Young Writers Society

I didn't see we had this section until late last night, so now I'm a day behind! Though I did write something last night.

I'm not an amazing poet, in fact I'm a terrible poet. But perhaps in 30 days I can improve? Of course I'm not looking for critiques or anything, perhaps encouragement? Poetry is the highest form of art, and as a result, it takes a lot of work!

1 April

The novels I write are forests,
Thick with characters and plot,
With which I can hide myself
From the rough rains of reality.

Each tree is diction, grammar, and flow,
Spreading its branches to blind the sun.
I pull apart leaves and snap stems
In the hopes that I will improve.

And yet, I can never see
The forest for the trees.

This is actually the second version of the poem. I accidentally lost the first version...

Hmm. I don't care much for your April 1 poem. I recognize the reference in the last stanza--were you trying to write the poem around that? I think the analogy about the forest and the books is a little childish for my taste; it's like the "Life is like a box of chocolates" in that you establish the metaphor and elaborate on it in a pretty straightforward way. I'd like to see you preserve the metaphor but go farther with the poem as a whole.

Good luck!
-Colly

I really like the last two lines!

were you trying to write the poem around that?

I was. ^_^

Thank you for the comments! I think the poem could be better if I had worked harder on it, haha. I like the general idea, but euh. I could find words. Thank you though!

2 April

Silly Boy

Your name doesn't shut up--
ear-splitting at the back
of my mind.

Can a kiss quiet
my sunken self-esteem?
Only in my dreams.

"Can a kiss could quiet"? Unless you were trying for some sort of weird play on words that I'm not getting...this is as bad as you writing "your welcome" on Facebook.

I would rearrange the first stanza:
Your name doesn't shut up,
earsplitting at the back
of my mind.
I think "Your name..." is a much stronger beginning than the other. This way the action, rather than the description, starts the poem off.

Haha. Wow. No, my brain must have been kind of ignorant to the fact that I didn't fix that line properly... Sometimes I miss things? wow. I can't believe I missed that. I've been having problems lately...


Thank you, Colly! Will edit.

I didn't really like April 1st -- I know you can have deeper thoughts that comparing your fiction to trees.

The 2nd was better, but seemed mostly incomplete -- pretty simply idea, too, and no closure, no real insight into what's going on. Challenge yourself a little more -- after all, you have to do 28 more of these. Just write for a little longer, and develop the theme as you go along the poem, and try and come up with some cooler phrasing. I have faith!

On 2 April,

I adore the last stanza, it pretty much rules. As for the rest of the poem, I really like how short it is, and at the same moment would like to see more.

I agree that April 1 could have been better but the idea is great and I like April 2. It would be better if you added another stanza or two, developing the emotions in it but the second stanza is pretty.

Can a kiss quiet
my sunken self-esteem?
Only in my dreams.

This metaphor seems a little vague; the word quiet makes me thing of something auditory, and self-esteem sinking is an action. The two together seem like they shouldn't meet. But maybe the point is that they do?

Did you mean ear-spitting in the first stanza, or "ear-splitting"? I like it both ways, actually ^_^

I like how short this is ^_^

All right! Well I put a lot more effort into this poem, and I have to say I'm incredebly happy with it. The first bits came to me last night while I was trying to sleep; I literally had to wake up and write them on a piece of paper in the dark because I feared loosing them! The hand writing wasn't so bad for being half asleep/dark either!

3 April

Diagnosis: Depression

Let’s lie in fields of feline flowers
where the blades pierce and the whiskers tickle—
........There, can you be free?
where the air is too black to breath?
Your lungs will suck dry
and your tortured tongue will swell thousandfold,
but with no gasp to scrape your vocal chords
you can’t scream I’m happy!

The Gawkers and Doctors use your bloody,
choking face for a target and claim death
though you haven’t even died.
Can’t they see your fingers
fishing for mine in the sea of festering stress?
It’s just natural, babe, just fractal, babe.
But I can’t convince you to take that breath
for the doctors’ gloves are the same ones
that suffocate your speech.

How I’d love for your lips to split apart—
For me to kiss and for you to speak:
It’s just life.

This is really great, Clau. I especially love the first line, and
"the doctors’ gloves are the same ones
that suffocate your speech."

Your use of language is brillaint, your imagery is great, it flows well, and teh theme is good.

I think the ending is a touch weak, especially the last line. It left me feeling a touch dissatisfied. Maybe try a longer stanza. I'd cut the shred of optimism, as I think it undermines what you're doing, but then again I'm a bit of a cynic (this is an understatement), so feel free to ignore me!

lol, I love those half-asleep moments of noting in the dark. Always interesting to read come morning! ^_^ This seems like a very whole poem, like it's something I can really sink my teeth into. Slightly macabre, as always, but beautifully and interestingly so, too.

But the air is too black to breathe

Aside from that typo, great job. I bow to your brilliant-ness. Keep it up!

Yay! The 3rd is delightful. Love love love the first few lines. However, get rid of the uses of "babe" it totally detracts from the whole experience.

But yes! I really liked this.