Young Writers Society

I'm starting this in Dramatic Poetry because a) my poems tend to fall into the dramatic category, b) there are a few more of these threads here, and c) I'm welcoming reviews on these, as they're works in progress. (I just ask that you don't consider this my general standard of writing, considering that I'm churning out this high-quality literature at such an alarming rate, darlings!)

That said, if any moderator decides to move all of these to the NaPo subforum, so be it.
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1 April
For one reason or another, I'm in the habit of writing poems to my friends - at my friends? - which of course are never delivered to their intended audience. Which is interesting, since I'm not sure anyone else would appreciate them.
To Emily
There is something yellow and perfect about today
(probably the socks you were knitting in history).
Even though the New England boys didn't want us --
(we needed 4.0s and internships and more badminton) --
you still like the way I write in capitals
and I like the way you show up in the corners of
my pictures when I am
least expecting it.

So now as I sit and contemplate how I never
wanted to park my car in that stupid yard anyway,
your yellow socks flash upon my inner eye
in dancing sprightly dance and blissful glee
and I think how simple I am
and wonder how I'll ever cast off
without you.

Even though the New England boys didn't want us --

(Is it colleges?)

what a moron I am today

Too informal.


I liked this, overall. Simple yet quite complex. The beginning caught me immediately, but the second stanza was almost pointless. It really did render the poem a little empty of any meaning whatsoever, and it seemed sort of too subtle in a bold way. It was all over the place, bascially.

I liked all your allusions and inside stories. They helped flesh this out a bit.

Good job!

I love the voice in this poem; it really brings out the close relationship between the speaker and the subject. I especially like the attention to detail with the writing in capitals and the pictures...says a lot in a few words, no?

I agree with Gadi, though--'moron' is too informal.

Good luck with the rest of NaPoWriMo!
-Colleen

Thanks for the feedback. Will try and come up with an appropriate word there (though sometimes I feel like that's the only one that fits my temperament, heh. )

haha, that is an interesting conundrum, to be writing poems to someone who may not end up reading them.

I really liked all the little details that were added. They made everything seem so much more alive! The only thing that I didn't like so much were the parentheses; I thought they stopped the 'flow' (I feel silly using this word, but it is, actually, very descriptive, lol) of things a little awkwardly.

and I think how simple I am
and wonder how I'll ever cast off
without you.

I love knitting puns ^_^

While I might not appreciate this in the exact same way as your friend Emily, it still has a lovely quality to it.

Happy NaPo-ing

April 2:
Rabbit summer comes:
White clover smells sweet like rain
and looks like morning.

April 1: I love the theme of knitting throughout it and I think the voice of the persona is very strong. I'd suggest removing line four completely because I'm sure your friend already knows the reason you were rejected and it feels like a direct explanation for our benefits.

The attention to detail is good. I'd love to see you use a capital letter for capitals or something similarly artistic. Full capitals wouldn't work but maybe CapItaLs or CapitalS. I'm not sure. The capital C would probably be effective enough on its own and less of a distraction/ annoyance I suppose.

April 2: This one was okay but you're very restricted by the form and there isn't anything that immediately catches a reader's attention. It's a nice description and I'd love an expansion on the metaphor 'rabbit summer' but generally your choice of language and subject aren't dramatic enough to make such a short poem memorable.