S'io credesse che mia risposta fosse a persona che mai tornasse al mondo, questa fiamma staria senza piu scosse. Ma per ciò che giammai di questo fondo non tornò vivo alcun, s'i' odo il vero, senza tema d'infamia ti rispondo.
I watched the fog creep its way down the mountains, drift between the trees, settle over the asphalt, sink into the night that covered up everything but the headlights of cars roaring down the interstate far below me
and part of me kept looking out the window because I was afraid that the building, and everyone in it, would go tumbling down the hill (then I checked my phone and tried to forget that my semester had ended almost as soon as it'd started)
S'io credesse che mia risposta fosse a persona che mai tornasse al mondo, questa fiamma staria senza piu scosse. Ma per ciò che giammai di questo fondo non tornò vivo alcun, s'i' odo il vero, senza tema d'infamia ti rispondo.
you taught me a lot of things . you taught me that I couldn't walk right, because I walked like a woman (whatever that was supposed to mean); that I couldn't run right, since my legs flailed around; that I could stop having a panic attack if I ignored what was in my face; that I could grow out of my asthma if only I ran more; that I couldn't bowl right because my posture was never straight; that I couldn't play pool right because the stick always slipped between my fingers; that I couldn't swim right, because I never got the rhythm right.
you taught me that I was too loud, that I was too emotional, that I needed to bury my feelings deep inside me, that I needed to never complain, never say anything against you, that crying was for children, that growing my nails out was girly, that I needed to be the perfect student, that I needed to be the perfect writer, that I needed to be the perfect swimmer, that I needed to be the perfect pool player, that I needed to be the perfect archer that I needed to be the perfect runner that I needed to be the perfect son before you would pay attention to me at all (because god forbid you had to encourage me, god forbid you had to do anything other than tell me I was doing something wrong, whether I was or not. god forbid you have to listen to me now when I tell you that I don't need your advice, that I would like to learn on my own for a change, find myself for a change).
you never taught me how to use a knife, probably because you didn't trust me with it; what could I cook that would be better than anything you cook?
what could I do that would be better than anything you do?
S'io credesse che mia risposta fosse a persona che mai tornasse al mondo, questa fiamma staria senza piu scosse. Ma per ciò che giammai di questo fondo non tornò vivo alcun, s'i' odo il vero, senza tema d'infamia ti rispondo.
every hour of the day I hear the ambulances howling in the distance, racing up and down the street outside of my window, darting through the intersections in front of me, parked outside the dorms while I adjust my backpack and walk past them so I can go to class to learn about Huygen's principle or something or another that I can't remember by the time I get back home
and it's so empty in the library when I finally make my way over there that my brain likes to make up voices and figures wandering between the concrete columns and the beige carpet, flitting in between the shadows as the sun sets dimly through thick windows, and always watching what I'm doing or yelling at me that I'm making too much noise
or yelling at me that it's only a day before I head back north, before I trade these library shelves and chairs, buildings and streets and crowds and classes for a few square feet, a bed, and a couch to hide behind.
S'io credesse che mia risposta fosse a persona che mai tornasse al mondo, questa fiamma staria senza piu scosse. Ma per ciò che giammai di questo fondo non tornò vivo alcun, s'i' odo il vero, senza tema d'infamia ti rispondo.
see the lightning like a camera flash through the blinds
catching you sitting with your laptop, you thinking the storm won't come here right before the rain begins to pound against the____window, the_____hail begins_______to_______pound against_______the_______window
leaving behind a layer of what you almost wished was snow on the ground (because winter would be warmer than this, but it wouldn't be alive)
S'io credesse che mia risposta fosse a persona che mai tornasse al mondo, questa fiamma staria senza piu scosse. Ma per ciò che giammai di questo fondo non tornò vivo alcun, s'i' odo il vero, senza tema d'infamia ti rispondo.
i think i know the fire will destroy me, but i can't stand at the edge of this city forever, hands clutching books and pens as the hot asphalt under my feet destroys my shoes, and the stone walls close in around me
what is the point letting the carpet in this room tear up my knees; what is the point waiting for messages i'm too afraid to respond to; what is the point writing stories that all sound the same
when i know in the city you are waiting for me to walk with you hand in hand into the funeral pyre.
S'io credesse che mia risposta fosse a persona che mai tornasse al mondo, questa fiamma staria senza piu scosse. Ma per ciò che giammai di questo fondo non tornò vivo alcun, s'i' odo il vero, senza tema d'infamia ti rispondo.
if only you knew how quickly they will forget your name
they will tear your pictures off the walls, let them fall into the trash.
your legends will fade away, left to die among huddles of believers whispering them by the fire in the back of the alley
your songs will disappear from the tongues of all but the old, their voices wheezing out notes not for your sake, but for the sake of the childhood that you gave them, that you took from them
your statues will crumble to dust, blow away in the wind (assuming they aren't torn down by people paid just enough to care that you exist for the second your face hurtles to the ground)
your walls will fall, your wealth will fall into the hands of the poor, your barbed wire will rust, they will read your story between the lines, they will bury your guns, they will fly another flag
you will not save anyone else
life will forget you, and then death will forget you
S'io credesse che mia risposta fosse a persona che mai tornasse al mondo, questa fiamma staria senza piu scosse. Ma per ciò che giammai di questo fondo non tornò vivo alcun, s'i' odo il vero, senza tema d'infamia ti rispondo.
i keep refreshing the screen and reading through my classes (you registered on, you registered on, you registered on) because i'm afraid that they'll slip between my fingers when i'm not looking.
because i'm telling myself that i couldn't be lucky enough to get what i wanted, could i?
S'io credesse che mia risposta fosse a persona che mai tornasse al mondo, questa fiamma staria senza piu scosse. Ma per ciò che giammai di questo fondo non tornò vivo alcun, s'i' odo il vero, senza tema d'infamia ti rispondo.
two chickadees perching on a branch on a tree while I sit playing the piano and watch as they fly away
S'io credesse che mia risposta fosse a persona che mai tornasse al mondo, questa fiamma staria senza piu scosse. Ma per ciò che giammai di questo fondo non tornò vivo alcun, s'i' odo il vero, senza tema d'infamia ti rispondo.
(r^2 - 6r + 9): neverending same-old story (april 3rd)
you wouldn't lock anyone out, would you, would you make a friend cry; you wouldn't do your homework, would you, would you skip class today; you wouldn't wash your hands, would you, would you make your parents sick; you wouldn't do that, would you, would you be a monster; you couldn't do that, could you, could you be a failure; you shouldn't do that, should you, should you really let them know this fear will last forever
S'io credesse che mia risposta fosse a persona che mai tornasse al mondo, questa fiamma staria senza piu scosse. Ma per ciò che giammai di questo fondo non tornò vivo alcun, s'i' odo il vero, senza tema d'infamia ti rispondo.
((2 + 2 - 2 + 2)/2)* (2/(2/2)): and I must go (april 4th)
well, it was the end of the world and i could finally live out my childhood dream of running off into the mountains to hide in the pines and nettles (i was a very strange kid)
except the world wasn't ending, and i didn't do anything more than walk down the concrete sidewalk and walk the dirt trails winding up and down the creek, skirting around the mountains, bridging a construction site and the highway
and i did that until i ran out of water, i ran out of breath, or i ran out of time (and i didn't have enough of any of those)
S'io credesse che mia risposta fosse a persona che mai tornasse al mondo, questa fiamma staria senza piu scosse. Ma per ciò che giammai di questo fondo non tornò vivo alcun, s'i' odo il vero, senza tema d'infamia ti rispondo.
it's like someone punches you in the face, but you only feel it a couple days later, and it knocks you onto the ground
it's like you eat a destroying angel; first you feel sick, then you feel fine, and that's when you know you're going to die
it's like having a heart attack, but you barely even feel it and you keep pressing your fingers against your neck waiting for the moment you stop feeling a pulse
(remember how you always grip the car door a little tighter whenever someone turns too sharply)
it's like standing out in the snow, your breathing fogging up as you wonder if you should dive into the blanket under you feet and wait for the night so your tears freeze up and you don't have to worry about crying
S'io credesse che mia risposta fosse a persona che mai tornasse al mondo, questa fiamma staria senza piu scosse. Ma per ciò che giammai di questo fondo non tornò vivo alcun, s'i' odo il vero, senza tema d'infamia ti rispondo.
the integral from negative infinity to infinity of 6 * d(t - c): burned out
an hour, it was only an hour, it was only sixty minutes, three thousand six hundred seconds, three million six hundred thousand milliseconds between the deadline and when I learned about it
you and I both damn well know why I never say I'll never make that mistake again; the most I can do is catch it a few seconds faster, and accept it
S'io credesse che mia risposta fosse a persona che mai tornasse al mondo, questa fiamma staria senza piu scosse. Ma per ciò che giammai di questo fondo non tornò vivo alcun, s'i' odo il vero, senza tema d'infamia ti rispondo.
the inverse laplace transform of 7/s: long after midnight (april 7th)
took me way too long to figure out both radio stations were playing the same thing, because I was a little too busy checking the lock on the bathroom door, because I thought I heard someone trying to open it (even though nobody in this house stays up as long as I do)
spent too long after midnight with fire racing through my veins while I stared up at the ceiling and thought about how nice it'd be to go to sleep early and wake up early in the morning, because I also couldn't stop thinking about the person who told me about the time they'd been afraid to go to sleep
grabbed a book, wrapped myself in blankets, and tried to wait for the sun to tell me I'd failed, because I couldn't imagine what I'd do if it turned out I hadn't
S'io credesse che mia risposta fosse a persona che mai tornasse al mondo, questa fiamma staria senza piu scosse. Ma per ciò che giammai di questo fondo non tornò vivo alcun, s'i' odo il vero, senza tema d'infamia ti rispondo.
1 * 2^3: I took a year of organic chemistry to get to this lab and all I got was this lousy B (april 8th)
you told me you thought I was obsessive, that I couldn't stop studying, that I'm fixated on time
that's a laugh coming from the mouth of a freshman in computer science to a sophomore in chemistry who's spent too far long trying to break up acetic anhydride when he was never given the mechanism, or anything like it; when he was given salicylic acid, a couple days, and some aspirin to take while reading about how to make aspirin
S'io credesse che mia risposta fosse a persona che mai tornasse al mondo, questa fiamma staria senza piu scosse. Ma per ciò che giammai di questo fondo non tornò vivo alcun, s'i' odo il vero, senza tema d'infamia ti rispondo.
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