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all the thoughts you wish weren't real



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Sat Mar 24, 2018 11:33 pm
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niteowl says...



Well, you know the drill. 30 poems, likely to be of questionable quality. It's been a while
since I've written, so I'm trying to get my soul back.

ETA: link to my Inspo thread so I don't have to keep hunting for it. clubs/2849/forum/77373
"You do ill if you praise, but worse if you censure, what you do not understand." Leonardo Da Vinci

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Sun Apr 01, 2018 9:58 pm
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niteowl says...



Poem 1

I'm sorry I didn't wipe my feet off

I heard a man on the radio
singing about an actress in mourning
who let her lover's footprints harden on the carpet,
and it took me back to that rainy mountain village
where I tried to put a ring on my heart
but you said not yet,
and I refused to wait.

Perhaps I believed our love was greater
than any grief, that my embrace
could make you abandon your tears.

Or maybe I was just a fool.

you're a half century and an ocean away,
so why do I wake up some mornings
seeing you in the woman lying next to me?

In my dreams, I fly to Tbilisi
and ride every taxi
until at last, I end up in yours.

Ramble about the inspiration for this poem enspoilered below

Spoiler! :
So you might be familiar with the Lumineer's song "Cleopatra". If not, you should listen, as it's excellent if kind of depressing. Anyway, it was inspired by a story he heard from an old taxi driver in Tbilisi. The love of her life proposed to her right after her father died, she couldn't answer and he ran away. I thought it would be interesting to think of the man's perspective, perhaps recognizing his own story when he hears the song as an old man. I'm not sure if I did the story justice though.
"You do ill if you praise, but worse if you censure, what you do not understand." Leonardo Da Vinci

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Mon Apr 02, 2018 11:38 pm
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niteowl says...



The Museum of Unrequited Love

When I walk in, it bombards me
with cologne and mish-mashed songs
and Polaroid memories
I should have lost by now.
Orange jackets and Kroger uniforms
are framed like championship jerseys,
though I never won a thing in this place.

I watch the boy with blue eyes
making out with whats-her-face
and I am fourteen again,
my face red-hot,
ignoring the caption that reminds me
that I spoke to him twice.

Then I'm in biology class,
gaining a practical lesson in my own desire
for the boy I've known since third grade
but am somehow seeing for the first time.
I taste envy as he looks upon the curly-haired sweetheart,
again ignoring the caption that says
they broke up in 2009.

Dingy brown carpet covers the hallway
full of college guys who fell in love
with girls that weren't me.
Despite my bold invitations
and love notes under doors,
I lie on the thinnest foam, still alone.

The next room plays a slideshow
of nights I was too drunk for shame.
A cigarette butt last seen in Dublin
is encased next to his name,
and to this day
it's the closest I've ever gotten
to a kiss I actually wanted.

The last hallway is almost empty
except for a tape recorder.
I don't need to read the caption
to know that you left
never knowing what you did to me.

I press play
and let my heart collapse in on itself.
"You do ill if you praise, but worse if you censure, what you do not understand." Leonardo Da Vinci

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Wed Apr 04, 2018 4:44 am
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niteowl says...



Poem 3-written with the help of the Creative Writer app

when the sky
and the wind began their song
i was young and bold as mars,
but the sun falls
and the night lasts long

it is not easy to outwit them,
and in the evening breeze
my life was claimed by forces from beyond.
"You do ill if you praise, but worse if you censure, what you do not understand." Leonardo Da Vinci

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Thu Apr 05, 2018 12:11 am
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niteowl says...



Inspo used: My resume is a poorly-formatted attempt to hide my flaws (from an old journal entry)

Poem 4

Some might say the problem
is with white space or bullet points
or using the wrong synonym in your description.

But no fancy format
can hide this fall from grace,
how I went from an almost-Ph.D.
to fired from my first real job
to a lowly temp just trying to survive.

Gaps between teeth can be charming.
Gaps in resumes are deadly.
"You do ill if you praise, but worse if you censure, what you do not understand." Leonardo Da Vinci

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Sun Apr 08, 2018 12:22 am
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alliyah says...



Hey niteowl, I've reread your April 2nd poem like 5 times now. And woah!

First of all, the concept is so smart - walking through a museum and just having to cringe past all of the old loves gone wrong.

Second, the execution of this poem is just so well done. The imagery and wording is specific and succinct and I feel like I'm walking through these rooms of memories as you describe them and then they're somehow laced together in a way that's cohesive and thought-provoking at the end. I think everyone can relate to having that record player of their life playing back again and again in their mind, and you describe the anxiety of having to relive those awkward memories so well.

But the poem isn't just a reflection on the awkwardness of youth & love, but those last 2 stanzas (last 5 lines especially) are really tragic and heart-breaking no matter how I interpret them.

I don't need to read the caption
to know that you left
never knowing what you did to me.

I press play
and let my heart collapse in on itself.


The heartache and pain just hits me. Thank you for writing and sharing your poetry.
but i don't think i can ever love someone
who doesn't understand that teal
is a different color than
dark cyan.

  





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Sun Apr 08, 2018 3:43 pm
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niteowl says...



Thanks, @alliyah! I wasn't originally sure about having it be so long, but when I started writing all these details spilled out and I decided I liked it. I'm glad you did too!

Well it looks like I'm already a few days behind...whoops.

Poem 5 (inspo used: "There's echoes of you all around this place")

At 5 PM today, I left
for the last time.

I will no longer sit at my desk,
half-expecting to see you
every time someone walks by.

I will no longer drink coffee
in the room where I tried to pretend
I didn't see that tattoo on your hipbone
when you stretched.

I will no longer hear your name
and hope I'm acting well enough
that no one knows how badly
I wish you were more
than another almost-stranger.

I never said goodbye
that day you left with a nod and a wave.
I'm not sure what I would have said anyway.

Now that I've left,
I can finally start to let go.
I might even find a new crush,
the only sure-fire cure I've found
to this heartache.

But that doesn't mean I'll forget you.
And it doesn't mean this wasn't real.
Because it was.

Spoiler! :
ughhh this is garbage but I needed to get it out of my system sorry I'll start writing better things soon
"You do ill if you praise, but worse if you censure, what you do not understand." Leonardo Da Vinci

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Sun Apr 08, 2018 3:54 pm
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niteowl says...



Poem 6 (inspo used: "Time won't fly, it's like I'm paralyzed by it/I'd like to be my old self again, but I'm still trying to find it")

I must be somewhere beneath the debris

My body lies beneath the rubble,
still breathing.
It wants to survive,
but doesn't know why.

My bones are fractured
by the world that told me
I could be anything,
then beat me down when I tried.

My muscles ache
from carrying me through the darkness.
They ask me when this will end,
but my mouth cannot answer.

Somewhere beneath the debris
from pink slips and rejections,
behind all the wrong paths chosen
and before I ever heard no,
there was a girl who marveled at the stars.

I keep digging my way out
so I can find her.
"You do ill if you praise, but worse if you censure, what you do not understand." Leonardo Da Vinci

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Sun Apr 08, 2018 4:34 pm
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niteowl says...



Poem 7 Inspo used: I wanted to try a palindrome, so I did. It's not that great, but I tried.

I will never love again.
It was foolish to think that
I could find happiness
once you said goodbye.
Your love is all there is.
How could I believe that
my heart will fly once more?
Love swallows me whole,
but I cannot forget you until
a hand reaches out to hold mine.
In her blue eyes, everything changes.

In her blue eyes, everything changes.
A hand reaches out to hold mine,
but I cannot forget you until
love swallows me whole.
My heart will fly once more.
How could I believe that
your love is all there is?
Once you said goodbye,
I could find happiness.
It was foolish to think that
I will never love again.
"You do ill if you praise, but worse if you censure, what you do not understand." Leonardo Da Vinci

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Sun Apr 08, 2018 4:52 pm
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niteowl says...



Poem 8 (inspo used: http://bostonvoyager.com/wp-content/upl ... 616207.jpg)

I send my love from across the sea

I write in the sand,
imagining that the waves
will carry the words to my heart
that beats wildly in your chest.

My love, I can only dream
of a world where humble men
are not sent to stare down death
because some rich man commanded it,
the last kiss from their sweetheart
their only source of peace in the trenches.

I can only hope
that the waves that bring my message
crash upon you louder than the gunfire
and you will know that I am watching,
waiting for you at the shore
where we walked hand in hand for the first time.

Our bodies may be fragile
like letters in the sand,
but darling, our spirits
are fierce as the waves,
our love as eternal as the ocean.
"You do ill if you praise, but worse if you censure, what you do not understand." Leonardo Da Vinci

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Wed Apr 11, 2018 3:31 pm
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niteowl says...



Poem 9

A glowing consolation

The cerulean filter fits
into the shield of the fluorescent bulbs,
our facsimile of the summer sky.

Even a child would not have
the gullibility to believe
that he could fly in those balloons,
reaching altitudes unknown
until he melts into the stratosphere.

No azure skies reach this sterile dungeon;
no cumulonimbus clouds storm upon us.
The only stars we know are cylindrical,
masked by the illusion of a summer afternoon.

Okay this wasn't that great either. This is an attempt at a different style, using a richer vocabulary and imagery than my normal style. I was inspired by my trip to the dentist yesterday, where I noticed that the fluorescent lights were covered by one of those filters that's a picture of some outside scene like this:
Spoiler! :
Image


Like what is the point of these? I don't get it, but I figured there had to be a poem in there somewhere. :P Anyway, if nothing else, I've learned that I should probably stick with my usual 5th-grade-vocab poems haha.
"You do ill if you praise, but worse if you censure, what you do not understand." Leonardo Da Vinci

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Wed Apr 11, 2018 3:51 pm
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niteowl says...



Poem 10 [inspo used: "I wish I loved you like I miss you"]

I wish I loved you like I miss you

I hear the simmering rage in my voice,
hardly cooled by your stammering apologies,
until it boils over and my throat aches from yelling.

I don't remember what the commotion was all about.

I see the filtered highlights of old acquaintances
taunting me from the phone screen
as I rest my head against your chest
like you were just a really warm throw pillow.

Hawaii isn't as warm or gentle as your touch.

I hate how my tongue
turned into barbed wire.
I hate how your smell
became something I wanted to scrub away.

Now all I can hope
is that she is gentle and kind
and gives you everything you deserve
the way I couldn't.

Spoiler! :
Okay so this is sort of real-life inspired, sort-of not. Like I've never been in a relationship, but I've been kind of irritable and treating people like crap, and it's got me thinking that I'll always be this way and I'd be awful if I ever did try the whole relationship thing. It just seems so easy to take people for granted sometimes, and then when they're gone you wonder why you didn't appreciate them more.
"You do ill if you praise, but worse if you censure, what you do not understand." Leonardo Da Vinci

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Thu Apr 12, 2018 7:50 pm
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niteowl says...



Poem 11 (inspo used: "I wish the snow could freeze my heart/Just like it does my bones"-From another crappy poem I wrote in December about loneliness)

I wish the snow could freeze my heart
Just like it does my bones.
I wish my smile could play the part
Of being happy all alone.

I wish my eyes would look ahead
and not wander all day long.
I wish my cheeks would not turn red
When I listen to love songs.

I wish that loneliness could be
enough for my monstrous soul.
I wish I did not long to feel
love that in this place cannot grow.

Spoiler! :
...and there's our token attempt at a structured poem for the month lol
"You do ill if you praise, but worse if you censure, what you do not understand." Leonardo Da Vinci

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Fri Apr 13, 2018 3:44 pm
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niteowl says...



Poem 12 “I do not know how to skate away from the past” (inspo used: http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-vSwHzxz2xRU/T ... 2_1989.jpg)

Life is won by the liars,
those who can smile and skate away
from the broken glass
as if they never fell,
never bled,
never scarred.

I am stuck with a tongue
tied to honesty
and hands that only know the feel
of freezing ice and rough shards.

I try to stand,
but only hear voices
saying I do nothing
but fall
and fall again.
"You do ill if you praise, but worse if you censure, what you do not understand." Leonardo Da Vinci

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Mon Apr 16, 2018 7:16 pm
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niteowl says...



Poem 13 (inspo used: https://i.pinimg.com/736x/3f/79/79/3f79 ... tional.jpg)

(cw: allusions to suicide)

Spoiler! :

I stroke the jagged edges
of where my mistakes have cut me,
longing for the days
when I was smooth and shiny.

Being whole is but a memory now.

Some days I drive over bridges
and think about jumping,
forgetting my failures
for the last time.

But then I would be broken forever.

So I drive on,
holding on to a dream
that one day my edges
will find a purpose again
and I can move on from this pain.

I will find a way to live again.
"You do ill if you praise, but worse if you censure, what you do not understand." Leonardo Da Vinci

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