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Young Writers Society


a collage of mismatched contemplations



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Mon May 01, 2017 1:38 am
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Aley says...



Looking at some of your other poems, poem 31 feels like it's got the right rhythm and tone, but you're using a couple repeat things that sound a little trite, might want to watch that.

"if the heaven watches earth, like the earth watches
the heavens, they would have seen a spark"

This sort of palindromic logic sounds amazing, but often ends up meaning something pretty shallow. If we look at what this really means it just means that If these two things actually watched each other, if the watching was reciprocated, then the heavens would have noticed something they would have commented on.

And the comment it would have made would have been the classic "who are you?" snark.

Honestly, I love the tonality of the poem but the meaning feels a little flat. Some of your other poems have very good meaning and tonality so I know you can get all of this together with the right mood.
  





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Mon May 01, 2017 1:49 am
alliyah says...



Thank you, Aley! <3 *hugs* :)

And I appreciate your suggestions as well!
you should know i am a time traveler &
there is no season as achingly temporary as now
but i have promised to return
  





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Mon May 01, 2017 1:56 am
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niteowl says...



I'm with Aley, that last one is so heartbreaking.

Also, your unintentional theme of being in love with the sun made me think of the Panic! At the Disco Song "When the Day Met the Night".

Congrats for surpassing NaPo! And for actually commenting all throughout the month (as opposed to someone like me who just decides to binge-read and comment at the end :P).
"You do ill if you praise, but worse if you censure, what you do not understand." Leonardo Da Vinci

<YWS><R1>
  








When you cut pieces out of the truth to avoid looking like a fool, you end up looking like a moron instead.
— Robin Hobb