Young Writers Society

travel is the ultimate trust fall with
yourself, hoping that your past
will take care of your future, and
living with whatever results
you begin the equation to
before you can see the finish.

you have to believe that once
the zipper is closed there is everything
you need to survive and the suitcase
becomes schrodinger's cat of yes or no
double checking and tripping checking

until all you can do is fall and hope
the net you built yourself holds

— April 27, 2016

there is blood on your lips and
you don't even try to take care of it
(or yourself), the physical manifestation
of your mental voice telling you
everything you cannot handle at this moment
the most inopportune times to hear
how much you miss out from
needing more than everyone else
while simultaneously trying to consume
less in the hopes that other people
will be satisfied. i was not meant
to have my desires that was the job
for somebody else, to direct life
and keep me from worrying about
anything at all when the more that was
taken away the more scared i got
from lack of control, from lack of
knowing what is going on and if
my hands were not touching
everything that was happening then
the world would fall apart

i put on lipstick in an attempt
to hide the scab, a half hearted
act of self care, the only thing i
have ever been able to control

— April 28, 2016

the word childish follows you
every time you try to run away from it,
it hiding on the edges of every party
growing louder as you back away,
slowly, cautiously, trying
not to draw attention to yourself,
unable to say leave me alone
without it coming out as a whine
or not coming out at all. you do
not know how to excuse yourself
because this was not what adults do;
they found ways to amuse themselves
while a party drones on around them or
they force themselves to participate
on a loop of logic that does not have an exit
so you couldn't have one either.

depression spirals where the more you
excuse yourself the more you see
people's questions brewing beneath the
surface, wondering if they are the ones
who have done anything wrong and all
you want to tell them is how you cannot
transition into a party without knowing
exactly what to expect for each
activity, any sort of pressure to
do something a blue screen of death
and you don't always reboot in safe mode

sometimes you wish you could
upgrade your memory but then
you remember how it was it that caused you
all the problems in the first place

— April 29, 2016

beginning

yesterday i watched you open a new chapter
of your life and you invited me to hold the pen
(even though i did not sign anything) and write
my name next to yours, counting up
cities and airports in tallies beside one
another, maybe not the same but close enough
that i do not care (so long as you always remember
to tick a few back up to me)

you have taught me more than i can ever name
and first and foremost the word family
became known as synergy, those who bring
more out of each other than we could
ever do alone, writing partners who click
and find calm in chaos, white roses marking
new beginnings and i feel the opposite i thought
i would while waiting in an airport, after
seeing more of the states in five days than i had
in four years and i know that count will only
go up as i follow you as much as i can
wherever you go

you are the closest to heaven that i've ever been
and my vow to you is: so long as i am with you
i will not look down

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