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The beginning of us ( chapter title )



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Thu Dec 08, 2011 4:39 am
Boolovesyou says...



"The thing is Mom. Your opinion hold no value in my eyes, nor does your preacher’s or your husband’s. I will be whatever I want to be. I will be gay. I will be me, and you will have no part in my decisions or life.” I smirk at the ‘world is ending’ look that her eyes gave away all to easily. Her perfect lips let out a gasp, and my job was done. Little Miss Perfect let go of her composure.

“ You will not talk to your mother that way!” Her voice cracked as it let the words fall out of her mouth. Clumsily they all got up and walked away with no merit or meaning.

“ Whatever.” I picked up my army green duffel bag that had been packed since the day I turned 16. “ I’m gone.” With that I turned flipped my hair over my shoulders, and slammed the front door in her face.

Out on the dampened streets I stood; alive for the first time in my life. An old dented piece of metal sat in the drive way with the engine revving, and lights switched on. The cold air made the exhaustion visible as it floated up into nothing.

Her hair hung down over the steering wheel, as I watched her playing with the radio. This is it. This is why I’m alive. I smiled widely, admiring her sharp cheek bones and gentle eyes. She looks at me. Inside I’m screaming. Finally. I’m hers.

She smiles, I swear I die. I run to the car almost skipping, and slide in the passenger seat. “ April, I’m yours.” I try to remain solemn, but a giggle escapes my cracked lips.

Adele’s voice radiates from the radio speakers, ‘Hold me closer, one more time, say that you love me in your last goodbye.’

A tear falls over her sharp cheekbone, and runs down over her pink lips. I lean over the seat and kiss her lip, pressing my forehead against hers. Eyes closed, simultaneously we both sharply inhale. A light switches on from Little Miss Perfect’s house; I look up to see her standing at the door. Only for a moment, then she’s walking our way.

“ Drive, drive, drive!” I loudly yell. “ Mom’s got a bat!”

April slams on the gas backing up into two large green trash bins. She ignores them and shoves the gear in drive, turning over the curb. “ That could not have been good for my car!” She’s laughing so hard she can barely breathe. “ But your worth it Ashly.” her voice fades into a serious tone.

This was the right choice, I know it. I slide my finger in between hers, and lay my head back against the head rest. Watching the houses go by, all ordinary and exactly the same. I’ve never been like the houses on my block, and I will never be with April. My eyes revert back to the raindrops dripping down the passenger side window.



Her apartment was spacious, but this is an understatement. I looked around the main room. It was a medium sized room, with absolutely no furniture. Torn wallpaper hung from the wall.

“ It’s not that bad!” April squeals, dropping our bags on the dusty floor. A puff of dusty stirs up.

“ Baby it’s perfect.” I smile at her, which automatically makes her eyes light up with the thankfulness of approval. I kiss her lips gently, and pull her through a green chipped door to the bed room. A queen sized bed, with no sheets takes up 1/3rd of the room. The place was as bare as a babies butt. “ You did live here before I came, right?”

“Yes!”

“ Uh huh, is there any proof of that.” I grinned, noticing the absence of photos, furniture, and trash.

“ If you don’t remember I pretty much was sneaking into your room every night. There was no need to even come here.” April raised an eyebrow, “ At least, there won’t be anymore sneaking!”

“ Ah, yes, and no more mother.” I laughed. “ But seriously, we need furniture if this is going to be our place, and sheets.” I gave her a concerned look. “ With this mattress, I can’t believe you didn’t invest in sheets.” The mattress was old and tattered, probably infested with something.

“ Fine Miss Snarky.” April stuck out her tongue and strutted out of the room to grab the bags.

I sit on the corner of the bed looking around at my new life. My start-over. With no crazy mom, or ugly step father. A place I could just be me. Me with my best friend, girlfriend, and lover. The feeling of freedom was beautiful. I ran my fingers through my light brown hair, pulling out tangles as I was lost in thought.

“ Looooooooooook what I found!” April walked in the room holding a set of blue sheets, pillows, and a large comforter.

I snapped out of thought, “ Where did you find those, if I may ask?”

“ Oh they were in the closet I was just too lazy to put them on the bed before.”

I roll my eyes. “ Of course you were.”

“Squish it! Squish it!” April screamed, jumping onto the bed. I jumped; startled. Her thin body huddled in the corner as an eight legged spider crawled its way across the ceiling, spiting her. It was a tiny, little spider, the size of a fly. She clutched the sheets tight to her chest like they were her baby.

“Babe, it’s fine” I pulled a tissue out of my pocket. Its hot in my hand as I jumped on the bed. On a mission after the spider. A soft squirshhh sound came from it as I smushed the spider under the tissue.

“ Ewwww...” She fell back down on the bed with a loud sigh of relief. “ He would of eaten my face off! I swear it!” A soft smile lit April’s face. I giggled, jumping on top of her, and sliding her fingers through mine.

“ No worries, April, I’ll protect you!” I playfully nuzzled her. “ I am your princess in shining armor!” I grinned and laid next to April. “ I would look good in an armor suit.”

Her blond hair cascaded across the pillow before she picked up her head to look at me. “ Of course, you are, and I’m the princess in the tower with my long, luscious hair. I’m way too girly to be on a horse!”

We both giggled, and laid back starring at the fan as it went turning around, around, around... and around....
Last edited by Boolovesyou on Thu Dec 08, 2011 12:56 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Milestiba uzvar visu, Milestiba ir upuris.




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Thu Dec 08, 2011 5:13 am
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MandaPanda1031 says...



I absolutely loved this, WRITE MORE! The only thing I noticed was this.

Boolovesyou wrote:You didn't finish the quoation marks.>"The thing is Mom. Your opinion hold no value in my eyes, nor does your preacher’s or your husband’s. I will be whatever I want to be. I will be gay. I will be me, and you will have no part in my decisions or life.” I smirk at the ‘world is ending’ look that her eyes gave away all to easily. Her perfect lips let out a gasp, and my job was done. Little Miss Perfect let go of her composure.




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Fri Dec 09, 2011 1:54 am
SmylinG says...



Hey there, Boo. :]

Well, I suppose for the most part I only have a few basic critiqueful things to toss at you, so here we go!

I want to say that for the most part, you have a pretty decent angle and direction for your story. The idea of leaving behind something (in this case, family) that is troubling, and moving on to something else that makes you happy, it's solid and it's malleable. You can really do anything you want with this kid of straight forward approach. What you don't want, however, is to be so straight forward that your story begins to lack substance.

I have to say, I might've expected to uncover a little more conflict reading this. Everything seemed just a tad bit too easy. The story became flat in dimension because you gave it little definition. I understood this ordeal about the character moving out because her parents were not accepting of her orientation and choice of lifestyle. I understood that this was something she'd been anticipating for a long time. What you don't include is any real proof in the emotion of your main character as to what this all truly meant. It seemed in essence a bit happy-go-lucky and naive. There was only a briefly defined bitterness toward her mother that I could take in. There wasn't a shed of after thought toward the MC's old life in comparison to that of her new one. Which wasn't very mindful of the narration.

Once these two reach the apartment, the idea of life before this big change becomes such a distant remnant of what their lives use to be, it's almost as if it never was. You don't want to immediately let go of that. Otherwise the significance of the relationship these two girls have loses its sheen. You never speak of how difficult the road was before they got to where they are now. It's simply you plopping two characters into a scene of being together, as if it was always so easy. But I know it couldn't have been, so elaborate on the different difficulties both these characters face in the shedding of their old lives to their new ones. Pack the scene with a bigger punch by backing it up with some form of further significance.

The scene nearing the end, I'm not so sure how I felt about it. I guess because it drew no satisfying conclusion and that's mainly what I expected to take away from it. It was just two people who care about each other giving away cute back and forth exchanges. Which there is no problem in portraying. The audience should see how these two interact with each other. The whole beginning though was shrugged off somewhat as nonchalant. I know if I had left my home behind, a place I always knew as home, I'd be a bit more emotionally invested in the lack of clarity to be sought out in the looming future. But how did the main character feel about her new life? What expectations did she have for herself now? For her relationship?

Apart from these few basic flaws, I might suggest for you to try reading back through and polishing things up a bit before delving into any further editing, as I wasn't in the mind to nitpick. :3 I also think that with a little more thought and feeling, you could most definitely turn this piece around to be a bit more emotionally invested than where it currently stands. Let the audience deeper into the minds of your characters! I feel as if I've only grazed the surface. Try making them more three dimensional.

I hope any of this helps! And I sincerely hope nothing I've said was worded too bluntly or harsh. I fear I may have, but in any case, it was unintentional! :mrgreen:

Good luck with this piece and happy writing to you!

-Smylin'
Paul is my little, evil, yellow bundle of joy.







Colorless green ideas sleep furiously.
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