Young Writers Society

The sun was low in the sky, casting a gentle, tranquil glow over the world and creating the elongated shadows that, along with the light, characterized a summer evening. The cracked grey pavement flew beneath me as I passed through a familiar neighborhood of small gardens, shabby houses and faded American flags. Bright green leaves illuminated by the sun fluttered as I rode past, a fresh breeze lifting my auburn hair.

If only life was this simple, this pleasant. My old bike wavered slightly as I took the tiny dirt road leading to a dock. This was my only sanctuary, a small victory in the losing battle that had become the norm of my existence. At this particular moment, I had brought my dinner down here, nauseated by the smell of my stepmother’s cigarettes.

The water shimmered in the low sun, shivering with the soft evening breeze. It lay there marvelously, like a pool of melted silver, inviting me in. I sat casually on the old wood, slipping my toes beneath the cool surface and finishing my dinner in the serene purity of nature. It was a small lake, lined all around with swaying pines and scattered old docks harboring rusty rowboats and bright canoes.

“Hey there!” A smooth voice made me start and I nearly fell over the edge.

“Jesus Christ, a little warning would have been nice.” My cheeks flushed at the outburst when I saw him. He was older than me, probably in his mid-twenties, with deep brown hair and shining blue eyes. They crinkled around the edges when he smiled.

“Sorry to startle you. I was just passing by and thought you could use some company.”

No one had ever really shown interest in me, not as far as I could remember. My stepmother thought I was the devils child and hardly spoke to me. The only other humans in my life were those I passed on the street, and intimacy was never achieved. Ergo, I had no idea what to do in this situation.

“Uh, yeah. Sure. Thanks.” I mumbled, sliding over to make room. He sat down and leaned back, propping himself up on his elbows.

“I’m Ben.”

“Bridget.” I swished my toes nervously through the water, avoiding eye contact.

“Nice to meet you.” He chuckled, and my stomach twisted. “You seem anxious.”

“Well, I don’t really know you.” It was hard to describe, but something about this man spurned strange feelings in my core.

“Yes, I suppose that would be a general cause of uneasiness.” He pondered for a moment. “Just tell me if you’re getting uncomfortable, and I can leave.”

I was actually very uncomfortable, but if he thought I could say that to his attractive, smiling face, he was delusional.

“I’m fine.” My voice cracked and I could feel my face burning scarlet. He didn’t seem to notice, and I thanked God for the low lighting.

“Good. Cards?” He pulled out a deck of cards from absolutely nowhere, startling me again and laughing. “You’re still quite on edge, I see.” Apparently, my discomfort amused him. Well, I was determined not to give him any more satisfaction, and kept my chin up.

“No, I am not.”

“I think you are.”

“Well I don’t give a rat’s ass what you think. Deal the cards.”

He laughed. “Yes ma’am.”





We sat there for hours, watching night paint the world in black and silver. We sat there until my sides hurt with laughter, and the moonlight was our only illuminator. We sat there until I stood up on stiff legs, declaring that it was time I headed home.

“I’ll give you a lift.” I could see his smile through the darkness, and it warmed me beyond the abilities of summer air.

“It’s okay, I have my bike.”

“I have a truck. We can just throw it in the back.”

“Thank you.” I was relieved. Riding back in ink black darkness couldn’t possibly have ended well.

I slid into the passenger side, breathing in. His car smelled like coffee, leather, and cologne. He appeared in the driver’s seat, twisting a key in the ignition. The engine purred underneath us, a faint rumble passing through before we pulled out of the tiny lot.

“Okay, so my house is just at the end of that first street on the left.” I pointed, and he nodded, smirking. “Thanks again.”

“No problem.” We breezed by the turn anyway. I laughed.

“Oh! You just missed it.” He didn’t respond. “My street, you just missed it.” Still nothing. “Ben?” Nothing. “Ben, what’s going on? Please turn around. Ben?”

He kept his gaze straight ahead, unwavering, silent. My heartbeat raced and my breathing hitched.

“God damnit, Ben! Say something! Let me out of this car!” I was screeching now, slamming my palm on the door handle. It wouldn’t budge. “Ben! You’re scaring me. Just say something, please.”

“It’s going to be okay.”

A nervous laugh bubbled through my lips. “Well, you know, I was thinking more along the lines of, ‘Sorry, I’m deaf in one ear. Did we miss the turn? I’ll bring you back home, because I’m not really a psychopath.’ But, you know, that works too.” The sentence rambled on, my body’s way of trying to offset the panic shooting through me.

“I’m sorry, Bridget.” As I opened my mouth to reply, he reached over and shoved something at my face. A strong chemical smell overpowered my senses, replaced by a deep darkness that enveloped me like a warm blanket.

I knew it! I knew something was off ever since she said no one had shown interest in her. Don't get in the car. Don't get in the car. They never listen.

This was really dark, horrible some would say. Not horrible in that it was a horrendous piece of literature because it was actually very well-written. Imagery in the first few paragraphs was to die for. I see now that you tricked me into a false sense of complacency. I thought everything was too perfect, but I was ready to gag due to disgustingly perfect romance not chloroform. I liked it a lot. Liked probably isn't the best word, though. You got the reaction out of me that I think you wanted. I was thoroughly appalled by the ending only because your writing pulled me in. I actually found the main very endearing... The dialogue felt natural. Even Bridget's panic and reaction at the end seemed horribly genuine. It might be masochistic of me to say this, but I'd definitely want to read more of your writing.

One error to point out.

“Thank you.” I was relieved. Driving back in ink black darkness couldn’t possibly have ended well.

I think you meant riding a bike not driving here.

Good job. I hate you.

Hello dear,

I saw your post, and so, here I am; answering your call.

I enjoyed reading it to be honest. Your attention to detail at the start took me in, to the point where I wanted to sit on that dock myself. There are a few pointers to point out.

I know it may seem irrelevant, but a description of Bridget will be much appreciated by the readers. She is, after all, the main character of the story. Nevertheless, you could have left it out on purpose, I cannot really tell. Maybe you wanted the reader to put in the description of the girl by his or herself. The reader also could ask for a description of the dock, perhaps the sea or lake they we're facing, there's nothing such as too much detail.

Here you have a misspelling:

I was the devils devil's child

Some may argue that you can put the apostrophe after the 's', since the devil is well known, but I'd prefer it the old way.

As the reviewer before me said, concentrate on the idea of riding a bike, not driving it.

Keep up the good work,
May you always be drunk on writing

Oh damn.
Lol, I wanted to see some romance, being a girl I was more idealistic, but this story just kicks it right out of me.

I think its so amazing how you can turn the perfect guy into a creep, and I think it's also such a life lesson. The creeps are more likely to be suave and smoother than someone who's socially awkward. This was great, keep it up. Really, I want to read how Bridget gets out of this situation, or if she even does. T.T

I loved reading this, I was trying to find out what was going to happen at the end. She shouldn't have went in the car. I am NOT getting addicted *scans YWs for the rest of it*....

This has such a great storyline! Excited to read the rest.

Hi there,
I love to review intro's so here we go.

DrunkOnWriting wrote:The sun was low in the sky, casting a gentle, tranquil glow over the world and creating the elongated shadows that, along with the light, characterized a summer evening. Bright green leaves illuminated by the sun fluttered as I rode past, a fresh breeze lifting my auburn hair.

How man novels can you think of that start with scene setting - like exclusive scene setting and one tiny piece of character, auburn hair. The answer is plenty, but it's a trend that is certainly dying out. If you want to start a novel with these sorts of bland observations, the writing has to be exceptional, or you will lose the reader. Everything you dump on us in this intro can be subtly placed through out the piece. We don't need the intrinsic details of the setting before we can see anything else. And writing setting, character, dialgue etc. they aren't mutually exclusive, you can blend them all. So sort out this intro, you could scrape the entire intro and, let me tell you, it wouldn't be missed.

If only life was this simple, this pleasant. My old bike wavered slightly as I took the tiny('tiny' is a pretty flat. Is it narrow, or lined with shrubs? I don't know because tiny doesn't really imply much at all) dirt road leading to a, (the) dock. This was my only sanctuary, my small victory. At this particular moment, I had brought my dinner down here, nauseated by the smell of my stepmother’s cigarettes.

This is better. But, it is still very tell-y and if a novel starts this slow, you have to grab the reader with interesting character(s), who we can connect with. How did she feel in her sanctuary? I understand she is directly addressing the reader but you could still just drop in something subtle like:

Here I was calm, it was something about the taste of the salty air, the gulls call; this was my sanctuary.

Not fantastic prose but at least it incorporates more than one sense, and because we can see what she likes about the place, the taste of the air, we can see her motivation for going there and she becomes more relatable and more round.

The water shimmered in the low sun, shivering with the soft evening breeze. It lay there marvelously, like a pool of melted silver, inviting me in. I sat casually on the old wood, slipping my toes beneath the cool surface and finishing my dinner in the serene purity of nature.

Poetic and pleasant, but so slow it is almost yawn-worthy.

“Hey there!” A smooth voice made me start and I nearly fell over the edge.

smooth? how so? if it's so smooth why is she startled?

Ok. Let me say this does get a lot better. The dialogue is reasonably natural and I don't really have the time to go through it all right now. All in all, I think you need to sort out that intro. I would suggest jumping straight into the dialogue? I mean you don't offer much except some beautifully written scenes, which would do well in say chapter 15, but that sort of writing doesn't belong here. You lose readers fast with slow intro's. Get us hooked from the first line, dive into the story.

hope this helps,
JP

I'll admit, I was reading this, thinking about how cliche it was beginning to sound. But then I got to the end and I changed my mind. I'm actually looking forward to reading the next few chapters.

I suppose we'll start with comments on the writing itself. You really do write beautifully. I found that it was easy to get the images into my head and really get into the story. Sometimes the word choice made it seem a bit too formal, but I grew used to it as I read on. It just seems to be your style, really.

The story does start a bit slow. If I had picked this up at a book store and began to read the first bit, I'd be hesitant to continue. The writing is pleasant, but large descriptions of scenery right off the bat can be a bit of a drag. I won't remember what everything looked like (I can't even recall now without looking back), but I will remember things like "I had brought my dinner down here, nauseated by the smell of my stepmother’s cigarettes." It's bits like this that keep me as a reader interested, the little hints towards what her life is like.

Honestly, while reading I thought I would have to point out that it was strange of her getting into a stranger's car. But, well, you know why I won't have to say that anymore. I liked the little twist at the end, it's intriguing, and it makes me want to go to the next chapter right away. I probably will.

Sorry that I don't have much to say about this. It's a good start and there were really no jarring nitpicks to comment on, and so I don't have much advice to give. Nice work, I shall be reviewing more soon!

Wow! This is awesome! You really have an amazing talent for detail and it shows in this story.
I could criticize that she's a little open to this stranger and the fact that she was so easy going when this man approached her is a little unrealistic bu other than that, it was amazing and I can't wait for the next chapter!