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Hellfire



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Sat Dec 03, 2011 1:13 am
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scifyfantacywriter01 says...



Chapter 1
"The Decent"

I look up at the ceiling of our apartment. The sun has just barely risen over the horizon put I can still the see the grey ceiling tiles. Chris is laying to my right on the bed in our one room apartment, it's more of a mattress on the floor. I can see his bright brown hair in the dim light of the summer morning. I slide out of bed without waking him and head to the bathroom. I wash up and then throw on some fresh clothes. I head out the door of our building and head towards the elevator. My shift don’t start till eight so I have at least three hours, I think to myself. I don’t get many mornings to going walking by myself. With a 12 year old brother like Chris, he always wants to be with me, plus I don’t trust him at home with the stove. I’d probably come home one day and the place would be set on fire.
I get down to the lobby. Mr. Michaels hasn’t came to his desk yet. The dim light from the morning shines through the windows of the lobby and makes the lobby have a creepy feeling. I put a skip in my step towards the door and get out into the cool morning air. A thick fog covers the place to where I can’t even see the other buildings on the other side of our street, but I’ve walked these streets a thousand times. I start heading up the street to the square.
When I walk out, I see Mrs. Magwells outside her nursery. “Hey Ms. Magwells!” I yell over to her. “Hello Rebecca. Out for a walk?” she asks back.
“Yeah. Figured I get one in before my shift,” I answer her.
“Ok. See you later,” Mrs. Katwells has always been a nice woman. Out of everyone, she’s the nicest person in our village. Being the village healer, she kinda has to be. She has even a sweet face with her long curly blond hair, her young girlish face, even though she’s in her thirties. She’s always kind to everyone, even the guards who are cruel to everyone.
As I go through the square I notice there are no guards out. Usually they are always out and about. Usually just standing around with automatic rifles or shotguns. I hate most of the guards but some are nice to us when they can be. I haven’t even seen one guard though, there’s usually at least five out in the mornings. I don’t know. I’d rather not see them. In their crisp green uniforms with the seal of the Dictatorship on their shoulders, not to mention that they treat everyone in the village like animals, worse than animals.
As I get to the middle the square I try not to look at the death-van. It's just a big van that the guards use to hoist people up on to the street lamps to hang them. The only crimes punishable by hanging are theft and murder. You’d think trying to escape would be one but it's not. They don’t even bother going after the escapees. They know that if you somehow get over or under or whatever you do, the twelve foot high razor wire fence, you’ll just be easy prey for either the hawks or the wolves. The robotic aircrafts and dogs that roam the lands between the villages that are always hunting for people who have escaped from the village. If you're lucky, they’ll hit you with a rocket. At least you’ll be taken out quickly rather than shot to death by their machine guns, or sliced up with the wolves’ miniature buzz saw teeth.
I then pass the bird cages. The cages that hang about six feet off the ground that the guards strip people down and put them in to either suffer in the heat, or freeze in the cold. They don’t feed, water, or anything to those who get put in them and if anyone pays them any attention, they’ll suffer the same fate. The only crimes for the cages are disrespecting the guards. They don’t ask us to bow as they walk by or nothing but they do demand respect.
I finally get out of the square and head down the street to the river. The river is the only part of the village that isn’t fenced off. Only because no one's dumb enough to try and swim away. The waters are freezing year round and the current is so strong that it will drag you out to sea within minutes. The mine field at the edges of the river stop you from taking a boat. At least we can fish.
When I reach the docks I sit down and hang my legs off the edge and start to think. Mainly on how this village came to be. Why that subject came to mind I don’t know, but that’s what I came up with. From what I can remember, there used to be thousands of cities back a hundred years ago, now there are only five left. I live in the one that was called New York. The cities are now called Sectors. I’m in Sector B. The only one in the old continent of North America. A is in South America, C is in what I think used to be called Africa, and I think D is in…Asia. I don’t know. The Sectors are split into villages. Each village has a function. Here we have farming. It's not hard as you think to farm in a city. We just farm on the tops of buildings rather than on the ground and we have rope bridges to get from one farm to the other.
There are two other villages other than this one. I don’t know what they do. The guards don’t tell us anything about the other villages, or even the other sectors. No one knows why though. The other thing that we don’t know is where the main city is, the Dictatorship is what we call it. Its where everyone lives like kings. They don’t stare, or work, or anything. But that’s life. I don’t try to fight the Dictatorship. I just try to live while I can. Maybe find a husband one day and hopefully find a way to live a good life somehow…I don’t know.
The fog soon lets up to where I can see the sky finally. I lie down on my back and look up into the clear blue sky. Sometimes I wish I could just grow wings and fly away, but then I realize I’m no bird, I can’t fly. I get up and start to head back to the square.
When I arrive, the guards have finally came out. Not as many as usual but a few. Most of them stand at the corners with their guns thrown over their shoulders and just talk. Mostly they ignore us but they’re always watching. I then notice two men outside Ms. Magwells’s shop, whispering. I get a little closer to them and try to eavesdrop. “So did you hear what happened to that squad of guards yesterday?” one man asks the other.
“No what happened?” the other answers him.
“They found the squad completely torn apart. They were ripped limb from limb. They thought it was a wild animal till they found the words, 'death to the Dictatorship', carved into the side of their vehicle.” the first one says.
After hearing that I kept walking. There’s no way something like that can happen. It's too farfetched.
I head up the square to my apartment to get ready for my shift when suddenly I hear my name. Someone is screaming my name. I look over to the cages to see Chris inside one of the cages. My heart sinks into my stomach. “Chris!” I yell as I run to the cage.
I reach through the bars and rap my arms around him. His face his blood red with snot and tears running down it. “What do you think you're doing?!” I hear from my right.
I turn to see the Master guard, Richard Markson standing in front of me with his hands on his hips. He stands about six foot. A kind of handsome man with short black hair and green eyes. He was wearing a green uniform with the seal of the Dictatorship on his shoulder like the others but he wears a badge over his right breast.
“Why’s my brother in the cage?!” I ask with fury, turning to face the mountain of a man.
“He was found this morning trying to steal money from a guard and then attacked him when they tried to arrest him. He’s scheduled to be put to death tomorrow at noon by firing squad,” he answers me. My eyes widen with horror and fury.
“My brother would never do that! There must be some mistake!” I scream. I know my brother would not do that. I turn to Chris. “Chris what happened?” I ask trying to hold back my tears.
“We didn’t have anything in the apartment to eat. I went out to see if I could trade someone those bead necklaces you make but no one would take them. So…I…-” he stops. My eyes start to pour like a waterfall. I turn back to Richard.
“Please, be merciful. He’s just a boy.” I ask getting down on my knee.
“I’m sorry. But if I turn a blind eye to him then I must do the same to others. The best I could do was give him the firing squad. It will be quick.” he says look down at me. I could see he didn’t want to do this. The guards can be abusive but they are still human. Even they don’t like executing kids.
I get up and go back to the cage and hug Chris again putting my forehead with his. “I’ll let you stay as long as you want. It’s the least I can do.” Richard says turning and walking away. I could tell he was sorry but I would never forgive them for this. This was too much
Me and Chris didn’t speak. We just held each other. He is my only family. The only family I have left. Time seemed to pass so slowly but soon it was dark and the street lights were the only thing that allowed me to see Chris’s face. By noon tomorrow, my 12 year old brother will be executed, I thought to myself. Soon I’ll be alone and I’ll have no one.
Morning came much fast than needed. I didn’t even notice the sun coming up. I don’t even remember it going down. All I remember was Chris and I crying and hugging through the bars. My eyes burned with exhaustion. My felt like it was going to crumble like a stone column that has stood for years and is about to collapse. The guards came and pulled me away a good twenty feet away from Chris as they came to take him out of the cage. I fought back as hard as I could but it was no use. Before I knew it they had him at his knees, hands tied behind his back and blindfolded. A row of ten men stood ready with rifles.
“Chris! Chris! Chris!” I yelled several times as I tried to jerk free of the guards and rush to his aid. But it was no use.
“Ready!…Aim!…” I hear Richard command the shooters. My heart felt like it was going to come up with everything else in my body. “Fire!”
I hear the shots, I see the smoke, and after it clears, I see Chris. All my emotions disappeared in a moment. The guards release me and I run to my brother. I come to him and role him over on his side. Only one of the shots hit him. Right through the heart. All of a sudden my emotions come back. I start screaming and crying all at the same time. I start shaking Chris back and forth as in some useless effort to bring him back to life. Soon I just stop all together. I then hear footsteps from behind me.
“I’m so sorry. Really. I tried to spare him but there wasn’t anything I could-” I jump up and claw him across the face before he can finish.
“You could’ve done everything! Your Richard Markson, the head guard of this village! You could of spared him, but you didn’t!” I scream. I then shove past him and start to run. I don’t know where I’m running to or why but I was running.
I finally collapse at the docks. I lay on my stomach and just start to sob. I curl up as if I had just been struck in the stomach, that would probably feel better than this.
Then, out of nowhere, I hear an explosion. I look up to see smoke coming from the square. I get up and start to run back to see what’s going on. I get there to find people running in all directions. I hear gunfire, more explosions, screams. I see smoke, fire, guards shooting in one direction. I follow the guards guns to their target. From where the street goes past the triangular building of the square, I see a boy standing with grenade launchers in hand, firing back at the guards. He was shirtless with only a pair of boots and some dirty grey pants. He looked almost 18 with short blond hair, green eyes, and light skin.
Out of nowhere came three hawks. The V shaped machines must have been called in for support. How on earth can one boy cause so much destruction. The hawks fly over him and he turns his head to follow them. The guards retreated after seeing the hawks.
The boy then takes off running after the hawks. He starts off jogging, then running, sprinting, then going faster than I had ever seen. He keeps up the pace a then finally jumps on to the back of one of the hawks. My eyes widen with astonishment. He then grabs one of its wings and pulls it towards him until the machine begins to turn and fly right into the side of a building. It crashes and explodes into a ball of fire. The boy goes missing for a moment, but then reappears as he drops from the air and lands on his hands and feet. Who is he…what is he?
Last edited by scifyfantacywriter01 on Thu Dec 08, 2011 11:00 pm, edited 4 times in total.
When people think of beauty, they think of bright colors, purity, or goodness. When I think of beauty, I think of the darkness. Beauty has a dark side, and I like it. Light is pretty but darkness is passionate, sinister, and sexy as hell.
  





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31 Reviews



Gender: Male
Points: 315
Reviews: 31
Sat Dec 03, 2011 1:15 am
scifyfantacywriter01 says...



This is my newest project. I hope everyone enjoys it. Btw. For those of you waiting for my Utopia project. Im so sorry its taking so long. Been very busy. I'll have it soon though.
When people think of beauty, they think of bright colors, purity, or goodness. When I think of beauty, I think of the darkness. Beauty has a dark side, and I like it. Light is pretty but darkness is passionate, sinister, and sexy as hell.
  





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22 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 365
Reviews: 22
Sun Dec 04, 2011 12:51 am
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demib says...



Hello!
i Love your description but killing that young boy, Chris that is so merciless!oh my gosh that is so sad!i was crying on my keyboard when i read that! but that mysterious boy is so cute!compared to your words!keep that pencil Flowin! please!
"With everything that has been left unsaid,
They go with the tears you shed."
Don't shed your tears,for your words should not be left unsaid.
  





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31 Reviews



Gender: Male
Points: 315
Reviews: 31
Sun Dec 04, 2011 3:02 am
scifyfantacywriter01 says...



Thanks. Dang. Did not expect that at first
When people think of beauty, they think of bright colors, purity, or goodness. When I think of beauty, I think of the darkness. Beauty has a dark side, and I like it. Light is pretty but darkness is passionate, sinister, and sexy as hell.
  





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82 Reviews



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Points: 2557
Reviews: 82
Sun Dec 04, 2011 11:49 pm
TheClosetKidnapper says...



I loved this! I can't wait to read more from you!
I'm never what I like
I'm double sided
And I just can't hide
I kind of like it
When I make you cry
'Cause I'm twisted up, twisted up
Inside

Semiautomatic
twenty one pilots
  





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Points: 1189
Reviews: 24
Mon Dec 05, 2011 3:39 pm
ChibiGiraffe says...



Hey, ChibiGiraffe here. I haven't reviewed novel stuff in awhile, so please bear with me. :P
I'm going to review all the unfun grammar issues with this story first. I could rant about it, but I'm going to try and keep it short.
You need to start a new paragraph every time someone new speaks, and when you end your dialogue with a comma if there is no exclamation or question mark.
Example:
scifyfantacywriter01 wrote: When I arrive, I see Mrs. Magwells outside her nursery.
“Hey Ms. Magwells!” I yell over to her.
“Hello Rebecca. Out for a walk?” she asks back.
“Yeah. Figured I get one in before my shift,” I answer her.
“Ok. See you later.”

When I see a big block of text, I cringe.

Now, onto the actual reviewing.
I think you explain a little too much in this chapter. Try only giving what people need to know for now, and save extra details for later, it'll keep people reading and give them information they need to be able to understand what's going on.
Your vocabulary is very basic, try using a thesaurus or something to get new words and spice it up a little.
I find myself unable to sympathize with Rebecca, she's a very flat character. Try giving her some quirks or something to help make her individual.
What you have here is an okay story, but it could be so much better.
I'm sorry if I was too harsh. :( Message me if you have any questions :)
WARNING:My avatar contains copious amounts of Duke Devlin. Women with heart conditions are not advised to look directly at Duke Devlin. This also goes for women without heart conditions.
He's very pretty. See? See how pretty he is? He's VERY pretty.
  





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Reviews: 739
Wed Dec 07, 2011 10:22 pm
xXTheBlackSheepXx says...



Hey scify, the description of this novel really caught my attention so I'm going to give this a shot.

I look up at the ceiling of our apartment. The sun has just barely risen over the horizon put (but) I can still the see the grey ceiling tiles.


I'm not usually picky when it comes to grammar errors, but having such a trivial mistake in only the second sentence of your story just gives me the impression that you didn't proofread this x)

I get down to the lobby. Mr. Michaels hasn’t came to his desk yet. The dim light from the morning shines through the windows of the lobby and makes the lobby have a creepy feeling.


you say 'lobby' three times in this part. Try using some different words to describe it. It feels like you have a small vocabulary if you use the same words all the time.

Usually they are always out and about. Usually just standing around with automatic rifles or shotguns.

Combine these into one sentence.
Usually they are always out and about, just standing around with automatic rifles or shotguns.
I'm not sure why you split those sentences up like that.

There are a few questions I have about this. I'm wondering why the New York sector is required to do farming, when obviously that isn't the smartest choice for it. I'm sure it would be much better if they would farm at some other location. There's just no logic to this.

Next, if the guards really did have strict orders, wouldn't they have punished Rebecca for talking to her brother while he was in the cage? Isn't that a huge offense to be doing that? How come she got off completely free?

And also, it just seemed weird that out of a whole firing squad, only one of them managed to hit the mark on a stationary target. That just doesn't happen.

This is definitely an interesting story. I would be willing to read on, but I think there is still a lot you can edit in this first chapter. There are a lot of small mistakes. A comma that was left out, or a mispelled word. But the ending really grabbed me, and I'm curious to read more about that hawk guy at the end, and more about the guards.

If you want another review, let me know! Keep writing :)
black
The bad news is we don't have any control.
The good news is we can't make any mistakes.
-Chuck Palahniuk
  





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31 Reviews



Gender: Male
Points: 315
Reviews: 31
Thu Dec 08, 2011 10:53 pm
scifyfantacywriter01 says...



I understand your questions. The reason for the farming is because it's the only city left in North America. There are other villages but their also part of New York. They farm on the tops of buildings. It should be in there. And it is but the head guard lets her by with it because he didn't want to kill the boy anyway. It was the least he could do. Thanks for the feedback. Always need more
When people think of beauty, they think of bright colors, purity, or goodness. When I think of beauty, I think of the darkness. Beauty has a dark side, and I like it. Light is pretty but darkness is passionate, sinister, and sexy as hell.
  





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739 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 32546
Reviews: 739
Mon Dec 12, 2011 11:04 pm
xXTheBlackSheepXx says...



Ah, I understand now x) So it's not just the city, it's a whole area of the country that they dubbed 'New York'.

Hm, I probably missed the explanation, but how come they couldn't farm on the ground? It doesn't take a farmer to know that you need a decent amount of dirt to get crops growing. So you'd be hauling truckloads of dirt up from the ground to be poured onto the tops of buildings... It just seems like a lot of work to me lol

...Unless there's some new kind of technology in this world, which would be a good explanation.

Be sure to leave me a message when you post more! :)
The bad news is we don't have any control.
The good news is we can't make any mistakes.
-Chuck Palahniuk
  





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31 Reviews



Gender: Male
Points: 315
Reviews: 31
Mon Dec 12, 2011 11:51 pm
scifyfantacywriter01 says...



Yeah there is tech. There should be a section where it talks about the Hawks and Wolves. They're machines that guard the lands between the villages. The Hawks are like unmaned jets and the Wolves are mechanical dogs with machineguns and other weapons. Thats why they don't stop them from trying to escape the village. They do, they die. Yeah it's just somewhere they call New York. I'm trying to get people to imagine the Square like Times Square. Thats kinda what I wanted it to look like. The main reason they make them farm in the city is just because it's harder. It's like the Dictatorship saying, "We can make you do anything we want and you can't do anything."
When people think of beauty, they think of bright colors, purity, or goodness. When I think of beauty, I think of the darkness. Beauty has a dark side, and I like it. Light is pretty but darkness is passionate, sinister, and sexy as hell.
  








What's stopping you?
— David Mamet