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Forty Degrees Celsium - Chapter 2 1/2



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Fri Nov 25, 2011 12:28 pm
Wolferion says...



Chapter 2


When Jeffrey regains his consciousness, he finds himself in a world of white and yellow. There is a seemingly endless variety of thin air rivers and layers colored in yellow, one layer clearly less visible than another, and all of them somehow resemble the city, but through transparent yellow formations with white as the background.

He barely recognizes the alley as he can see more than just one wall, the transparent layers just go on and on, forming rooms and halls inside the buildings, and what somehow looks like human bodies.

He quickly looks around himself, confused and lost in this brand new vision of the world, looking for Kate. He finds her, or what looks like her, kneeling next to a straightened body on the ground. Small glimmers of energy drop from her face, reminding Jeffrey of tears.

He tries to stretch his arm to her and say that she shouldn’t be so sad, but he has nothing to stretch and no way to speak. He apparently has no body, at least he starts to believe that as he can’t see any limb or move anything. Upon a desperate try to do something, he finds out that he can fly through the air with his will, but that’s it. This is not how he wished to end his life, but has he?

He turns to his body and clearly sees energy pump through it, just the energy, but it’s enough to convince him that he’s still alive; at least his body is.

Unsure what to think or what to do, Jeffrey remains still, trying to organize his timid thoughts and think of a plan, but there’s not much he can think of when he’s so shocked. Instinctively he decides to check out the energy as he doesn’t know what else to do.

He flies into one of the air rivers and immediately pulls back in fear. He has just heard screams, felt pain, sorrow, wishes and curses. It is no ordinary energy, truly it isn’t, and the scientist in him knows it shouldn’t toyed with.

It takes him some time to partially calm down and accept the reality, repeating his favorite phrase over and over again.
It is so, it can’t be different.

He looks at Kate and his body once again, but now his wish is clear and burning.
I want to go back. I want to live.

He flies into his body and horrible pain envelops his senses. It’s barely bearable, but he has to withstand it and go back - if anything is to work, then it has to be this. The longer he stays, the more world fades for him, and soon it disappears from his sight, sinking him into pure black. Soon the black slowly changes to black-orange.

He opens his eyes for the second time and sees the normal world. He screams from the pain, his mind is in disarray. Kate jumps up, childishly covering her mouth.

“Status!” His training speaks for himself. What his mind doesn’t remember, the body does.
“Severe internal damage, life signs normal, executing restoration program.” He hears the half-robotic voice of an AI sewed inside his body. Very soon the pain in his left arm becomes much clearer than the rest, signaling him that the AI has started using a small box with vials sewed into his skin. The pain starts fading away as he becomes numb.

Kate drops on her knees next to him, relieved, but still unable to speak. She has cried and Jeffrey can still see traces of hatred. She must have had it tough.

Forcing a smile on his face, Jeffrey tries to comfort her with a happy voice: “I’m back.”
There’s nothing better than being alive.
Last edited by Wolferion on Sun Dec 04, 2011 12:15 am, edited 7 times in total.
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Fri Nov 25, 2011 12:54 pm
barefootrunner says...



I like the direction this is taking -- it gets more complicated! Now I want to know more about the world that they are in and what's going on. Why is there so much destruction going on? Why are most of them dead? Who are they?

I liked the whole out-of-body part and the strange energy. You've subtly told the readers more about Jeffrey and I liked the way you did that. I'm not going to pick on grammar, but there are a few grammar mistakes. You've mystified me and I want to get unmystified, as is the nature of humans. Write on before I explode!
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Tue Nov 29, 2011 10:09 am
JabberHut says...



Hello again! I said I'd stop by, so here I am! :D

I like the continuation of this. In fact, the way you started the chapter into the dream sequence was intriguing! The intro was quite the contrast to the end of chapter one, so it certainly clued the reader in immediately that we switched gears. Well done on that part! It was still a bit confusing, but that gets into more grammar/structure again. You know what you're seeing, so it's just a matter of making it as clear as possible for the reader. (It wasn't very clear to me how to picture it, but it's also really late at night, so I could just be sleepy.)

As a whole, I'm a bit confused as to where this dream sequence ended/when we started flying/when we woke up in the rubble. I think working with the details like I mentioned before will help with that. I'm not quite sure how it all relates here and how it's significant. Tying it all together and smoothing the transitions from one spot to the next will help clear the confusion of the reader.

Unsure what to think or what to do, Jeffrey remains still, trying to organize his thoughts and think of a plan, but his scientific nature overwhelms him; he wants to find out more about this, he wants to figure it out and prove its usefulness for humanity.

He flies into one of the air rivers and immediately pulls back in shock. He has just heard screams, felt pain, sorrow, wishes and curses. It is no ordinary energy, truly it isn’t, and the scientist in him knows it shouldn’t toyed with.


A little nitpicky, but there was one point where Jeffrey mentioned wanting to figure things out. He didn't give me any sort of impression of being this huge nerd who's easily distracted by anything science-related. Basically, this seemed humorously out of character by a mile. xD Plus, I would think he'd be more concerned with the fact he's facing some weird out-of-body experience. At least, that all could be cleared up for me!

Finally, I love the technology thing explained at the end. I'm even more interested in where this is going. That all could be fleshed out more, I think, to make it flow better and the picture be painted prettier. Basically, it's another show-don't-tell thing. It's another great start though, so it only takes a bit of tweaking here and there to flesh that out!

Good work otherwise! I'm intrigued by these strange super-soldiers you've got. :D

Keep writing!

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Mon Dec 05, 2011 12:24 am
21WhiteRoses says...



your writing just blows my mind! I'm really loving this novel so far. I wanna know what happens next! My novel is really rather puny next to this haha!I adore your word usage and such! Keep rock'n :P
"But death and darkness in that instant closed the eyes of Argos, who had seen his master, Odysseus, after twenty years...."
  





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Sun Dec 11, 2011 2:21 pm
Deanie says...



Shinda!

Well I liked this chapter. Already things are processing. I'm left wondering what their world is like and what is going on. I want to know about their connection, but now I am also wondering about their whereabouts. I love your description, very detailed and everything. Having a complicated story like this you must watch out to make sure everyone understands what is happening, otherwise it might get too confusing and the reader my just give up... which is not a good thing.

So far, so good!

Deanie x
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Your username reminds me of a hotdog @Stegosaurus, 2015
Tried to make puns out of your username, but every attempt has been Deanied @Candywizard, 2015
  








grammar is hard and i dislike it immensely
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