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Forty Degrees Celsium - Chapter 1



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Tue Nov 22, 2011 11:42 am
Wolferion says...



Chapter 1


Kate breathes deeply as she walks through a graveyard. The air after rain feels fresh, but here it carries a distinctive scent of sad flowers, that shortens the gap between living and dead. The atmosphere feels spiritual, but Kate isn’t a believer in the true meaning of the word; the rational mind doesn’t truly comprehend what it can’t explain. Her emotions however don’t let her rest, and so she’s come to ease her heart - at least she thinks so.

She stops at three new graves, staring at portraits of young faces, that are put into the white stone. Royal symbols engraved around the portraits are a sign of their honor and service to the country, namely to the king himself.
We all die one day, so let’s make it worth it. Isn’t that what you said, Sherry? We all agreed to it so easily...

“They made it worth it.” A familiar rough voice resounds behind her. She slowly turns her head around and notices a fairly young man smiling at her. His green eyes look sad, but determined too.

“Indeed.” She turns around, feeling more at ease thanks to his presence. She knows that he was hit the hardest, but he hasn't broken down yet, nor does he intend to, so neither can she.

“Now that’s a pretty gloomy face. Are your wounds better by now at least?” She can feel that he honestly cares, helping her to feel better.
“Not all of them, fortunately, but I suppose that’s fine.” She shrugs her shoulders as he lets out a slight laugh.
“Well, of course. Aside being human, want to tag along? I’m about to get some good cake for mood.”
“My, how convenient.” She replies with a similar laugh. One last glance at the graves and she walks away, following him through the city streets, as there’s nothing much else to do; she just doesn’t feel like doing anything.

They walk silent, so Kate continues thinking about her dead friends. They shared many happy moments, that now repeat in her head like an old movie of golden times. Thinking about it too much starts sinking her into depression again.

“Don’t think about it so much, Kate. They wouldn't want us to be depressed, would they?” His penetrating look startles her. She forces a smile, slightly shaking her head.
“You’re right, I know that, but it’s still hard to compete with emotions. Willpower isn’t everything, you know.”
“You can’t deny that it is crucial however.”
“Can’t argue with that.” She nods.
Still, it’s not enough.

A buzzy sound from afar reaches them. It sounds numerous, rather familiar and ominous. It doesn’t take long for Jeffrey to realize what it truly is. He grabs Kate and forcefully throws her into an alley nearby, rushing there afterwards.

A series of explosions follow, most structures get hit and their fragments become weapons themselves. Tons of rubble falls on the streets and dust spreads, rendering vision useless. It makes sense that panic settles in, but hearing the screams between the explosions is a horrible experience. The city no doubt got hit by the heavy artillery.

Some rubble falls into the alley too, but Kate’s barely hurt. Jeffrey, who’s lying on top of her, has probably somehow covered her from it. He’s bleeding from his head and probably body too, but Kate can’t see, all she sees is blood dripping on her.

“Hey, Jeffrey! Talk to me! Say anything!” She yells and tries to shake him, but it doesn’t help, he remains motionless. Fear kindles inside her; he might be dead, dead just like her teammates. She doesn’t want that, she has to do something.

She tries to push him aside, but it appears to not be so easy; his weight is great, it takes all her might to somehow free herself. But her task doesn't end there yet. She needs to treat Jeffrey, but none of them have anything med related. Finding a hospital in this situation is unthinkable and she can still hear the artillery rounds. What can she do?
Last edited by Wolferion on Sun Dec 04, 2011 12:12 am, edited 10 times in total.
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Tue Nov 22, 2011 1:13 pm
barefootrunner says...



Now that is scary. I loved it. The grammar was a bit jumbled, though, so let's sort that out first. If I'm very harsh, allow me to apologise: I don't mean it and these are mostly just opinions. I really like the story. So... *deep breath* here goes!

Kate breathes deeply as she walks through a graveyard. The air after rain feels fresh, but there it carries a distinctive sad scent of flowers.
There? Where? Maybe "here"?
There are many adjectives in one place here, so to unclutter it, try shifting one: "distinctive scent of sad flowers" even describes the flowers as depressed, so if you want to use it, it's a bonus!

Water drops remind her of tears, tombstones stand there silent like statues, and all together speak of centuries long cry.
That is so sad! I like it! But the structure is jumbled, I don't really know what you want to say, maybe: "all together they speak of centuries of crying."
Today it feels the closest to her, she wants to embrace it and be at peace, but that is out of her world. She’s to carry it along and she knows that.
I don't know in what context you mean "it feels closest" or "that is out of her world". The "she's" is not quite suitable. It must be written out in full: "she is". Also clarify "carry it along".

She stops at three new graves, staring at young faces.
Where does she find the faces? I imagine her staring at tombstones.
We all die one day, huh.

“They made it worth it.” A familiar rough voice resounds behind her. She slowly turns her head around and notices a fairly young man smiling at her. His green eyes look sad, but determined too.

“Indeed.” She turns around, feeling more at ease thanks to his presence. She knows that he’s taking it the hardest, but he doesn’t break down, so she can’t either.
It would work better if it was: "She knows that he was hit the hardest, but he refuses to show it, so neither can she."

“Are your wounds better?” There’s a pleasant touch to his tone.
There is. Write it out.
“Not all of them, fortunately.” She shrugs her shoulders as he lets out a slight laugh.
Why is it fortunate that her wounds haven't healed?
“Well, of course. Aside being human, want to tag along? I’ve got a plan.”
“My, how convenient.” She repays the same laugh. One last glance at the graves and she walks away, following him through the city streets.
"replies with a similar laugh." could be more appropriate.

“Say, Jeffrey, should I look forward to it?”
“If you want to cry, no.” He says without even looking at her, he seems to be thinking about something. She doesn’t feel like bothering him now.
That is direct speech, so it must read: ... no," he says.
Try replacing the comma with a dash or a semi-colon, for good measure.


Geez, can’t talk back to him at all, not like... Eh, so we’re the only two alive now, damn it.

Don’t think about it so much. They didn’t want us to be depressed, did they?” His penetrating look startles her. She smiles, slightly shaking her head.
Is this a command, or is he saying "I don't think about it so much"?
If he is talking about the dead people, "wouldn't" and "would they" would clarify that.

“You’re right, I know that, but it’s still hard to compete with emotions. Willpower isn’t everything, you know.”
“You can’t deny that it is crucial however.”
“Can’t argue with that.” She nods.
Still, it’s not enough.

A buzzy sound from afar reaches them. It sounds multiplied, rather familiar and ominous. It doesn’t take long for Jeffrey to realize what it truly is.
“Artillery!” He grabs Kate and forcefully throws her into a narrow alley nearby, jumping himself afterwards.
Firstly, try to say something about the artillery, like: "Artillery! They're shooting at us!" or something of that sort.
The narrow is unnecessary: we know that alleys should be narrow.
The himself doesn't quite fit in the sentence, there. If you said "flinging himself in" it would work better.


A series of explosions follow, most structures get hit and their fragments become weapons themselves. Countless rubble falls on the streets and dust spreads, rendering vision useless. It makes sense that panic settles in, but the screams between the explosions and flesh are a horrible experience.
"Tons of" would carry the right ring, there. Countless doesn't really apply because rubble denotes a mass. It could be compared with "air".
I think you wanted to say: "but hearing the screams between the explosions is a horrible experience.


Some rubble fell into the alley too, but Kate’s barely hurt. Jeffrey, who’s lying on her, has probably somehow covered her from it. He’s bleeding from his head and probably body too, but Kate can’t see, all she sees is blood dripping on her.
"falls" would keep the tense constant.
"on top of" gives a better visual.


“Hey, Jeffrey! Talk to me! Say anything!” She yells, but it doesn’t help, he remains motionless. Fear instills in her; he might be dead, dead just like her teammates. She doesn’t want that, she has to do something.
"Fear kindles inside her" would be a better choice, otherwise, "fear is instilled" would correct the grammar.

She tries to push him aside, but it appears to not be so easy; his weight is great, it takes all her might to somehow free herself. Though, her task doesn’t yet end there. She needs to treat Jeffrey, but none of them have anything med related. Finding a hospital in this situation is unthinkable and she can still hear the artillery rounds. What can she do?
"But her task doesn't end there yet" would correct the structure.

I love the story, it seems appropriately scary and terrible, so work on the grammar and polish it! First, keep writing, don't be discouraged! I do terrifying reviews, but this is a good story! Nice, deep characters, shocking ending!
"Not everything that counts can be counted, and not everything that can be counted counts" - Einstein
  





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Sat Nov 26, 2011 12:20 am
Butterfly18 says...



Present tense. That's what I'm trying to have a go at. :)
Don't think I write it as good as you tho, haha.

Anyway, Shinda. Here's my thoughts.

Kate breathes deeply as she walks through a graveyard. The air after rain feels fresh, but there it carries a distinctive scent of sad flowers. Water drops remind her of tears, tombstones stand there silent like statues, and all of them speak of centuries long cry.

Okay, so first thing i noticed was, a graveyard. Is there a reason you don't say, the graveyard? If Kate knows what graveyard this is, and you the author don't want it to be some kind of mystery for the reader, then say the graveyard, and not a graveyard, as if its just some graveyard she's in and has no significance.

Second, there. When you say there in these two sentences, it seems like these things are happening, somewhere over there, where Kate isn't.

Maybe something like,
Kate breathes deep as she walks through the graveyard. The air feels fresh after the rain, but carries with it the distinctive scent of sad flowers. Droplets of water slipping from leaves remind her of tears, and by the tombstones they stand like statues, speaking of a centuries long cry.

I used deep, instead of deeply, because you don't want to use adverbs where possible. If you can forgo the adverbs it makes your sentences seem stronger. I put how the air feels before why if feels that way, because Kate would feel it first, then know it's because of the rain. The scent of sad flowers is obviously distinct to Kate because she knows it, so you call it the scent, not a, which would make it seem like a foreign scent.
In the next sentence you then say, they are silent like statues, but are talking. I don't know who they are, but assume its people or maybe something else, but whatever it is can't be silent and talk at the same time.

Also, water drops, I couldn't picture where Kate was seeing these water drops from what you wrote, but I just got the image of them slipping off leaves, since it'd been raining. That there also creates imagery.

Oh wow, that's a long ramble for a couple of sentences. Hope I don't annoy you with the rest of my rambling. :(

We all die one day, huh.
You could simply say, We all die eventually, instead of one day. I feel like, huh, takes away from the seriousness of the death. But then again, if she doesn't think of it that way, the huh can show her laid back view of death.

I see here you have different characters actions mixed with the others dialogue.

“Are your wounds better?” She can feel the pleasant touch to his tone.

“Not all of them, fortunately.” She shrugs her shoulders as he lets out a slight laugh.

It should be something like this,
"Are your wounds better?"
She can feel the pleasant touch to his tone. "Not all of the unfortunately," she shrugs.
He lets out a slight laugh.


I assumed you meant, unfortunately, because why would it be fortunate that not all her wounds are better?

Geez, can’t talk back to him at all, not like... Eh, so we’re the only two alive now, damn it.
The tone used here gives me the impression she didn't care much for whoever died.
“Don’t think about it so much, Kate. They wouldn't want us to be depressed, would they?” His penetrating look startles her. She smiles, slightly shaking her head.
But then this here, gives me the impression they knew who died and were friends, maybe good friends, so why does she seem so, oh well?

I only just started writing present tense, and half my manuscript so far is present and past tense mixed in together because I'm at the moment to scared to change it all incase I can't write present tense at all properly, but I think this is a slip in tense.

It sounds multiplied
Shouldn't it be, The sounds multiply?
Not sure about that. lol.

Ooh I like this,
Fear kindles inside her.

Okay, so after I've rambled for ages I assume, I'm sorry for that, but I thought I may as well do a thorough review since its not a very long piece. I like the intrigue you present and all the questions. I would like a bit of an explanation though about Kate and Jeffrey's relationship to the three that died. If I knew their bond was great, then their death would seem more significant.

For the first chapter, I don't seem to be able to identify genre, I'm thinking sci-fi, possibly fantasy, maybe a mix of both. Not sure. But other than what I mentioned, this seems like a really good start.

I really hope some of this is helpful to you, Shinda. And if not, feel free to disregard what I've rambled about. :)
  





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Sun Nov 27, 2011 2:15 pm
tinny says...



Hello there, Shinda!

The first paragraph of a novel is probably one of the most important, it's the thing that's got to hook us, lure us in to read more, where we tend to develop our impressions of the novel as a whole. So, let's break yours down c:

Kate breathes deeply as she walks through the graveyard. The air after rain feels fresh, but there it carries a distinctive scent of sad flowers. Water drops remind her of tears, tombstones stand there silent like statues, and all of them speak of centuries long cry. Today death feels the closest to her, she wants to embrace it and be at peace, but that is out of the world of living. She is to carry it along and she knows that.

The thing I get the most from this, is that it is phrased in a rather stilted and at times difficult to understand manner, as if at times you're putting the emphasis on the wrong places and forming sentences with strange structures. To point out the two that demonstrate what I mean the most:

The air after rain feels fresh, but there it carries a distinctive scent of sad flowers.

The order of this seems a little higgldy piggldy. I tihnk what you need to do is take a little more time to set the scene, expand this with a little more description for us. In this case, we're told about the freshness of the air before the rain that caused it when it might be a better idea to bring in the rain first, not only would it give us a greater image of the setting, but it would make the order of things a little clearer, if that makes any sense?

Water drops remind her of tears, tombstones stand there silent like statues, and all of them speak of centuries long cry.

Again here, water drops, what does it mean? Are they droplets of water still clinging to things, leaves, tombstones, blades of grass, or is it instead talking about rain that's falling? There are so many ways to take it that it leaves one a little stuck as to what it actually means. Both tombstones and statues are known for being both silent and made of stone, and are both often there as a form of memorial, so perhaps comparing it to something that's less similar would be a better idea? The 'speak of centuries long cry' part is a tad confuisng too, I'm really not sure what exactly it was that you were trying to conver there >>;;

She stops at three new graves, staring at portraits of young faces.

As in, portraits on the gravestones themselves? I didn't think that was a particularly common practise. Perhaps it's something that you're wanting to bring in, something that happens in the world you're creating, but as a reader it doesn't really mean anything. You could always use some of the other signs of a new grave; freshly turned soil, a multitude of flowers in memorial, that kinda thing.

Reading this through, it's clear that you have a well developed world here, and have a clear idea of what's going on in it, how it works, what the backstory is, and what's going to happen. The problem is that, as a reader, we don't know any of this and I think that's what's making this a little difficult to understand, and it leaves me feeling like I've missed out a chapter or something because I feel a little in the dark. Perhaps it would be a nice idea to try and slip in a few of the little details as to what happened, it sounds like those three graves belonged to some people that she cared about, so why not elaborate a little as to who they were, what they meant to her, and what it was that happened to them. Were they involved in the same accident that left her injured?

“Well, of course. Aside being human, want to tag along? I’ve got a plan.”

In a similar fashion, this line raises even more questions. Why is the speaker mentioning that she's human, is he not one himself? When he was introduced, I naturally imagined him to be a regular man, and now with the implication that he's not, I'm left a little stuck. What is he, exactly, if not human. An automotan? And extraterrestrial? And if so, what exactly does he look like?

So! While I understand that this is the first chapter and you don't want to give the whole game away, I think that this needs expanding, and a little more explanation, and a little more description. Show us what it is that you see, when you play this out in your minds eye. I know it can be tricky sometimes because when you read over it, that all happens naturally and it's easy to skip some of the details that the readers need to see it in the same way that you are.

Anyway! I hope that I've been of some help to you c: if you have any questions about anything I've said or whatnot, feel free to shoot my a PM or hit up my wall.

-Tinny
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Tue Nov 29, 2011 5:28 am
JabberHut says...



Hi, Shinda! Sorry for the wait. You wouldn't believe how many things decided to get in the way!

I like where this is going. I especially love how it jumps right into the action, ending the chapter on a mighty cliffhanger. It keeps me interested, as a reader!

Concerning your question earlier, I think I understand what's going on here. First of all, I think the grammar didn't really help much! (This includes sentence structure as well as basic typos/mistakes.) Some things were phrased awkwardly, some words were skipped, and the way it's written doesn't flow together well. It takes practice before one realizes there's a stark difference in styles concerning grammar.

But besides thaaat, with the description, I think you're actually on the right track. This is really a great start, and the general concern probably lies with explaining the... wrong parts? For instance, walking in a graveyard is good. The crisp air, sure. This all sets up the setting nicely. She's looking at three tombstones. This is good to know! But of all this scene-setting, we don't get any foreshadowing/idea/clue about why she's there and where this is going. It leaves the reader somewhat... bored, I guess. There's nothing to go on, nothing significant seems to be explained. That's where the claim for more detail would come in.

Try to tie in the purpose of all this into the scene-setting. It takes some playing with sentence structure as well to be able to fit it all together nicely. Foreshadowing is extremely useful and, basically, what's asked for. The readers want to know where this is going, so point out the significant parts of everything. Those three tombstones? They seem to be really dear to the MC. This is a wonderful example of what readers are looking for. However, why did the story start in a graveyard? Why are they walking away? It leaves the reader confused and almost frustrated that they can't make their own hypothesis.

So your description is great! It really is! We can probably just consider directing your talent into the next level. Show some significance in what you're describing. The majority of what happens in the story has something to do with the plot itself, and usually it all ties together very nicely in one way or another. Try to do that here. Sew it all up with the rest of the novel and lead the reader into a world they can understand/get a feel for right away. Taking half the novel to get used to the world isn't a good sign, but understanding perfectly what's going on by just the first chapter is incredible. That's what we aim for!

Hopefully that gives some insight into what you're concerned with. Just let me know if I was unclear! With the story itself, I'm intrigued anyhow, and I'll keep reading into the next chapter to see what happens!

Keep writing!

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Mon Dec 05, 2011 12:17 am
21WhiteRoses says...



Wow I can tell you really put a lot of work into this. you really have a natural talent! I loved this story from the very first sentence!Your word choice is really good and you describe everything perfectly. It really sets a vision of what is going on in my head. i certainly wish my stories could turn out as well as this! I would love to read more! Never quit writing!
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Sun Dec 11, 2011 1:51 pm
Deanie says...



Hey Shinda!

Well I decided to read your novel from the start as I am not one to jump into things. I liked the beginning and I love how straight away there is action. I'm interested to see how Kate knows Jeffery. You did a good job of building suspense there because we hope that Kate can save Jeffery but we already fear that she might not. Hope and fear are the key elements and I think you displayed them really well.

Deanie x
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