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Shocked



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Gender: Male
Points: 582
Reviews: 5
Fri Nov 18, 2011 5:17 am
PoetMan111 says...



Spoiler! :
Few comments for ya'll. Firstly, this is just the current version of the chapter. I already plan on going over it again, however, I'm devoting my time to moving forward with the story, instead of continually writing the first chapter over and over again. The violence will be toned down, I swear. Also, sorry about the formatting.



Chapter 1

Somewhere in New England


“Today’s mission is a simple retrieval. Get in, gather info on the locations of enemy outposts, and get out. Because this will be Shadow, Synk, and Connie’s first mission, we’re sending you on a joint mission. Shock, you’re leading this one so use it as practice for the future. The outpost has almost no defense, so it should be easy enough to avoid casualties. Any questions?” No response. Link continued. “All right. Take off is in twenty. Good luck.”

As Shock left the room, he saw Shadow, who was filled with the naïve excitement he himself had felt on his first mission. Even after three months of training, new Powers never knew what was coming. He waited just outside, letting him pass.

Hydro, the third member of Shock’s team, wore the same air of worry Shock himself was wearing. She had yet to be on a team that lost anyone, but she still knew the risks. Powers were killed often enough for her to know.

“Shock, Hydro.” Block was waiting for them at the door to his quarters. They made their way toward him “I know this probably isn’t the best time, but I have to tell you. I’m graduating in three months.”
“You mean…”
“I’m leaving.” Hydro stared at him blankly. “I’m sorry; I should have waited for some other time.” He started back into his Quarters.
“No, no, it’s all right.” Shock told him somberly.
“You should go,” Block instructed. He hung his head, dropping into his room.
“Block!” Hydro ran up to him, and hugged him tightly.
“You have a mission. Go on.” Pushed her friend. The two Powers departed.

“Shock?”
“Yeah?”
“You okay?”
“I’m fine.” His answer was cold. Distant. Very much like him. But Hydro knew him better than that. It had been about a year since she had joined. A year they had known each other. He had tried to fend off human interaction, but she still found a way to get close to him, in a way that Link, despite being able to read his mind in a more literal way, never could.
Shock was worried sick. He tried to not be emotional about the missions, but every time, he remembered his first assignment. It was a long time ago, but the images were still fresh in his mind.

“Shock, a word?” Link stood quietly at the end of the hall. Shock approached him. “You’re going to have to tell her someday. I don’t have to be a telepath to know how much it affects you. She deserves to know. You know she does.”

“I know.” The words sounded dead.

Link put his hand on Shock’s shoulder, “Good luck.”

“Thanks.” Shock ran out to the helicopters.

“Well, look who decided to show up,” Shadow joked as Shock jumped in.

Across from them sat Turtle, Connie, and Synk. Turtle was in charge of taking care of new recruits. Shock saw the same excitement in their eyes that he saw in Shadow’s.

The twins bounced up and down with excitement. “Hey .Calm down you two.” Turtle ordered.

“Hey. Calm down you two,” Connie mocked, demonstrating her ability to easily match Turtle’s voice. She and Synk giggled.

Turtle opened his mouth with an agitated response, but Hydro interrupted him. “That’s enough.” Connie submitted. Hydro was a people person. She often helped the seniors train the newer members in her spare time. If anyone up high had been paying attention, she wouldn’t be going out on missions.

The blades of the chopper finally began to spin. Shock could feel the craft lifting off the ground. Synk and Connie were giggling to each other. He could feel Hydro pressed against him. Nice little sardine can we have here, he thought tiredly. About a half an hour passed before anyone said anything.

“All right, time to go over the plan.” Turtle began.
“Again?” Synk moaned.
“Better safe than sorry.”
“Safe, sorry, safe, sorry.” Connie mimicked. She and Synk began to giggle. Turtle rolled his eyes.
Shock shrugged. “They’ll learn.”
“All right. Hydro, Shock, you two are going to take out the camera guards. The rest of us are going to make our way to the control room. Synk, that’s when you get into the mainframe and download the data we need. Shadow, you’ll take point, get rid of the guards.” Turtle instructed.
“Then we get out of there as fast as possible,” Connie finished.
“Then we set off the self destruct, and then we get out,” Synk corrected. She had a slightly longer attention span than her sister.
“Right you are. We meet on the roof, where the chopper will be waiting for us.”
Closing on outpost. Activating the radar cloak now,” sounded the vaguely mechanical voice of the auto-pilot.
“Anything else, boss-man?” Connie asked.
“No, ma’am. Unless anyone else has something to contribute.”
“No sir,” answered Synk. A few moments passed. Shock watched the landscape go by. He had never liked helicopter rides. They made him seasick. Not enough to distract him. Just enough to annoy. Hydro nudged him.
“Hey, leave me some guys this time, yeah?” Hydro teased.
“Huh?”
“You always take everyone out. Never leave anything for the rest of us, Mister Over-Achiever. Come on, Please?”
“All right. Fine.” Shock shook his head a bit, trying to clear it.
“The ride’s almost over, don’t worry.”
Two minutes to the outpost.”
“Well, this is it,” said Turtle, glancing down at his teammates, “First mission.”
“You too.” Hydro whispered to Shadow.
“Good luck,” Shock commented.
“Thanks leader man. Won’t need luck, though, will we?” he was beaming from the anticipation; bouncing in his seat.
“You never know.” Shock muttered quietly enough so that the words escaped all but Hydro’s ears.

“One minute to the outpost.”
“Thirty seconds to the outpost.”
“Landing now.


The six Powers got out. On the way to the door that led from the roof into the building, Shock grabbed Turtle’s arm. “Be careful. Take care of them.” His eyes were strong, piercing.
“I led you, Shock. Do you think I can’t lead them?”
“Sorry. You’re right.” Shock lowered his head in submission, the way he had when Turtle was still his leader, before starting toward the door.
“One more thing, Shock.”
“Yes?”
“You should tell her. She deserves to know. You know she does.” Shock bowed his head. He didn’t answer.
“Are you two going to join us, or should we go without our leaders?” Shadow yelled impatiently at the pair. Turtle shot Shock a small smile.
“Let’s do this.” The two of them went into the building.

Shock looked down the hallway, “It's clear.”
“There shouldn’t be too many.” Shadow interjected.
“But… they sent two teams?”
“You and Synk need training, Connie.” Turtle said sternly.
“So does Shadow.” Hydro lightly punched his arm. He eyed her menacingly.
Okay guys, it’s time to go Link announced from the base. Shock passed Hydro wordlessly. Shadow shrugged to her and kept moving.

“Shadow, c’mon!” Synk tugged impatiently on the Power’s arm. Shadow jumped, and instantly cloaked his body. Hydro followed Shock quietly. Shadow was probably with Turtle. It was not easy to tell, because he was now invisible. The twins eagerly rushed forward, leaving Turtle to run after them.

“Girls, slow down!” he commander. They slowed, and Synk gave an exasperated sigh. Turtle slowed down, peaking around the corner before ushering the girls forward. “Be careful,” he instructed, “this isn’t playtime.” They continued on, Shadow scouting ahead, making sure there they wouldn’t be seen.

Shock sped up, leaving Hydro behind him. He reached a corner, and snuck around it. He spotted a guard strolling down the hall, whistling some old-time jingle. The perfect target. He shot a small ball of solidified electricity at him. The man was thrown into the wall. The Power ran up to him, and flipped him over. The nametag that declared the man ‘Larry’ glinted as Shock swiped the key-card from his pocket. His ability allowed him to create something that was referred by the other Power’s and staff to as ‘solid electricity,’ or Sel. It was a unique ability. The concept of ‘Sel’ hadn’t even been theorized until Shock had used it for the first time, about four years ago. Back when Fri was still…

He was already outside the security room doors by the time Hydro reached them. The guards outside door had been taken out silently with a dulled strike from Shock. He stood waiting. “Just like you asked, I’m leaving you the guy watching the cameras.” Hydro glared at him.

Shock opened the door for her. “Larry, you're three minutes la-” The guard inside didn’t get to finish the sentence. The two Powers entered the room, and set themselves up, Hydro sitting in the swivel chair before the monitors.

We're good here Shock thought, letting Link that the checkpoint had been cleared, their presence undetected. He gazed into the monitor in front of him, standing behind Hydro, who was slowly swaying back and forth. She still faced the screen from the chair, spinning with child-like glee.

Good to know said Link apathetically Shadow, do your thing
He watched Hydro rocking the seat from side to side; an oceanic movement seemed to graze her amber ponytail. He began to drift back, through his time with Hydro, though the first time they met, through the five Powers formerly on his team that had died or graduated before he met her. His mind settled on his first team. He shook his head; it was a bad idea to daydream in the middle of such a dangerous venture. The illusion in Hydro’s hair disappeared.

Shock watched the monitor as three guards outside the control room fell. Only thirty seconds or so had passed before Shadow’s confirmation of his completed mission of taking out the guards rang out.

Done and done he thought to the telepath.
Good. Now clear out the main computer room The invisible teen went into the research room, and took out the inhabitants, barely a beat being missed.
Secured.
Synk, that's your cue, move it.
Aye-aye sir.


Shock diverted his attention to the task at hand. The screens showed only about ten or so guards. There should have been more. He had never been to an outpost with only ten. “This is too easy.”

Hydro snapped her head around, as if coming out of a trance. “What?”

Shock was about to answer when the camera screens disconnected. Link’s voice followed, Synk? Damn it. I can't hear her!

What about the others? thought Shock, his shoulder’s tensing.

Connie, Turtle, Shadow. Nothing from any of them. Link’s voice was urgent.

“I hate it when I’m right.” muttered Shock, “Come on.” He gestured to Hydro. They had gone no more than two steps out the door before they were surrounded. A moment of silent communication between Hydro and Shock, and the guards were all drenched in an instant, and, before they could respond, Shock hit them with a bolt of Sel. The beam crackled through the uniformed men, and they were down in a split second.

They ran toward the control room. Just outside, Turtle was trying hold off the advancing guards, though a small hole in his leg, masked by red drenched pants, painfully crushed his concentration. Behind him, Connie lay over Synk, her tears spilling out onto the body of her dead sister, salty water mixing with the scarlet fluid already on the floor. A bullet was fired, and not a moment had passed before Turtle’s head ricocheted backward. Connie screamed and stood up, passionate anger lighting her eyes.

“Connie, no!” Hydro’s voice was lost as Connie tried to run at the guards. In an instant, the girl lay dead by her twin.

“We have to get out of here!” Hydro shouted. Link? She thought, Any help? No response. “They’re using a mental block!” They filed quickly into the control room finding about twenty guards and scientists on the floor, and a handful still standing. Shadow de-cloaked for a second before again becoming invisible. Shock killed the remaining guards quickly as they were distracted by the movement. He then went over to the main computer. A bullet hole had ruined the monitor. He saw something sticking out from the underside of the desk. He knew it was C4 in a second.

“Shall we?” he gestured toward the door, trying to keep his cool. Hydro headed out of the room. As she cleared the door, the bomb blew. Shadow was thrown out with the force of the explosion, becoming visible and colliding with the wall. He staggered to his feet, his left arm hanging awkwardly at his side.

Another handful of guards jumped out. Before any of the Powers could react the guards grabbed all three, dragging them off in different directions. Shock, finished him off with a short jolt of Sel.

A teenager a little younger than Shock rounded the corner. Shock fired a powerful shot at him, but the kid stretched out of the way unscathed. A slashing movement from the master of Sel hit the Power’s arm, and the new Power fell to the ground. Shock ran, managed to catch up to Hydro, and raised his hand. The guards fell to the floor. He started toward the roof, knowing that Shadow was already too far away to help.

“Let’s get to the helicopter,” he said, firmly as Hydro tried to see if she could spot the missing teen. “Hydro, he’s gone.” After a moment or two, she abandoned her search. They made their way up meeting only a few stray guards. They reached the roof. The stretchy kid was already on the roof. He made a bungee-cord like movement toward Shock. Hydro ducked down, and shot a jet at him. The Power dodged, but was forced to miss Shock, who used the opportunity to fire at the teen. Again, he was knocked to the ground, but this time Shock didn’t back off. A quick bolt ended the gruesome battle.

Shock took a breath as the Power breathed his last. The building shook; another explosion came from below them. They got into the helicopter, and it took off a moment after.

Hydro watched the floor. Her tears fell and splashed at her feet, but Shock knew she was not seeing them. She had never endured anything like this, and she had been with them for almost a year. He remembered first team, his first mission, and shuddered. He tried to push the thought from his head, to not think of them, but it was too late. Siren and Fri had entered his mind. He had not known Siren long enough to care too much, but Fri… For Fri he could not stop grieving.
Hydro didn’t notice his gaze had fallen upon her. She stared out the window listlessly. A strand of hair fell down from around her ear, adding to the smudges, making her appear even more disheveled and drawn. The Power wondered what she was thinking of to quell her sorrow.

There was a ripping noise, and the helicopter fell out of the sky. Shock grabbed Hydro as he jumped out of the side. Air hit his face, and he pulled out his hand, trying to shoot downward to slow their descent. Because of his awkward position, and how he was holding Hydro, it only served to roll them to the side. He caught sight of something on the ground. Their fall slowed. Shock knew what was waiting for them.

“You know I couldn't let a helicopter crash be your end,” the boy on the ground said. It was him. Half his missions over the last two years, he showed up and made a mess of things. And here he was, once more.
“Neg. What do you want from me?”

Neg only jumped away, into the air. Shock wondered if the strange Power would ever leave them alone. Of course he knew the answer. Not as long as the NAU commanded him, and Neg took orders from the United Countries of Europe. Shock and Hydro were left standing for a minute, Hydro crying and Shock gazing at her blankly, unsure of what to do. “We should probably leave,” he said, cautiously.

“Right.” Her voice was cracked.

Hello? Shock asked in his head, hoping beyond hope he would hear Link’s voice once more.
Shock? You're ok? Link answered, relieved. Is anyone with you?
I’m here. Everyone else… Hydro couldn't finish.
Everyone else is dead.
Shadow escaped, he’s still alive. He's disabled the jammer. Neg seems to be following him, though.
Has he found a way out yet?
There's a car or two still at the base
, Link didn’t sound pleased. He never approved of the older machines.
Thanks, Shock said as he sprinted back to the base, which was about two hundred yards away, with Hydro close behind him.

Shock ran toward the car fast. Mid-run, they quickly spotted Shadow, waving for them, and went straight for him.
“Hurry up,” Shadow said urgently. Hydro climbed in, followed closely by Shock, who took the wheel from the untrained Power. He spun it south.

Shock glanced at the fuel gauge. The fuel was almost gone. He saw something flash out of the corner of his eye. Shadow was trapped in another car. Neg grinned at them before manning the steering wheel. The other car sped forward.

Shock stood up quickly. Hydro, understanding his plan, shifted readily over to the wheel and pressed the gas pedal before the Power jumped to the other vehicle, with a jet of Sel to push him closer to the other car. Neg faced him, one hand pointed at Shadow. Shock stared at the hand, seeing if it would relinquish its straightness. However, the hand stayed its place. That is until Shadow tried to roll out of the way. Neg was caught off guard by the sudden movement, and a quick, short burst struck the struggling Power. Shock turned away from the acrid smell of roasted blood filled the air.

Shadow’s body flew from the car as Neg jumped out, once more flying off. Shock saw the head of his fallen companion that remained in the seat. He spun away; back toward Hydro’s car in time to see the building they had once occupied collapse, hiding the evidence of its existence. And the bodies of their friends.

Shock took control of the car, and slowed it down. It skidded to a halt.

Link? asked Shock, his voice quiet even in his own head.

Yeah, I'm here… the Powers voice was equally quiet, mourning his friends.
Do you mind sending us a chopper or something? You know how far we are from home.
Yeah, give me a minute to...
the voice trailed off.

Shock joined Hydro. She had stopped the car, frozen in her seat. Shock knew the feeling well enough.

Once more he began to drift into his memories, knowing that his tears would stream even more rapidly than Hydro’s if he continued. He tried to focus on something else, but got nowhere. A few traitorous drops leaked from his eyes.

They remained seated in silence for almost an hour before the helicopter arrived. Shock straightened his back, regaining his composure. He helped Hydro get onto the bladed vehicle, and strapped her in himself. Once more their chopper took off, the AI in front guiding them back home.

Back to the Base.

Spoiler! :
The reason there are so many characters, in case you were wondering, is to introduce to the reader the idea that not a single character in this story has a guaranteed survival. Not the main characters, not the side characters, not the gay or straight characters, not the old or young. Whether your 11 or 111, you can die easily.

Two more bits:
Because I didn't warn YWS, I will keep this offer open to you for a short time. I have completed the first 4 chapters of the story. I'm looking for people to send in critiques of the story, so if you want, comment or leave me a message with your email, and I'll send you the first four chapters. If you want the NEXT four, however, you need to send in a critique. Obviously optional. It should be noted that I actually start to develop the characters a lot more in the seven chapters after this one.
NOTICE: I WILL NOT BE POSTING ANY MORE CHAPTERS ON YWS! THE REST OF THE STORY WILL BE SENT THROUGH EMAIL TO THOSE THAT REQUEST IT!
Last edited by PoetMan111 on Fri Nov 18, 2011 10:01 pm, edited 1 time in total.
  





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Points: 910
Reviews: 13
Fri Nov 18, 2011 9:51 am
zaid says...



Very awesome work done here. Keep it up. :)
Zaid.
Sincerely,
Zaid.
  





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Fri Nov 18, 2011 5:10 pm
AmethystNight says...



Firstly, WOW! I'm hooked. I love the idea so far for this story and the characters that you're building up have already started to interest me. Also, I love their names. I couldn't find any major problems with the story or the writing. There were a few spelling and grammar mistakes but I won't go through them all because that would just be me being picky.
There were a couple of places where I wasn't entirely sure who had said something like,
“But… they sent two teams?”

Just outside, Turtle was trying hold off the advancing guards, though a small hole in his leg...
Here, after guards, I think that you would be better off using a semi-colon. I think that would help the flow a little as well.
However, those were the only things I thought you should improve. I love your main character already and I would love to read more - I really want to know what happened to Shock on his first mission!!!
It's a great story and thank you for letting me read it. Hope I could be helpful.
  





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Tue Nov 22, 2011 5:01 am
Butterfly18 says...



Hello,

I'm writing a somewhat similar story in the way that it's sci-fi and I have what you might call, super soldiers.

I noticed this,

Today’s mission is a simple retrieval. Get in, gather info on the locations of enemy outposts, and get out.

And am wondering if using reconnaissance or simply recon, would be better than, retrieval, get in, gather info, and get out.
All that is basically covered in reconnaissance.

It is very long, and I skimmed to the last paragraph. I saw a lot of your sentences begin with pronouns, so like, names as well as, The. You should try to limit your sentence beginnings starting with a pronoun where you can.

Also, you use a lot of clipped sentences. For example,

No response. Pushed her friend.

Generally, there needs to be presence of a subject and verb in a sentence, to be called a sentence. These here are just fragments of sentences and you should use them, very, very sparingly.

Other than that, all I can spot is that there isn't really any description at all. I don't know what any of the characters look like, and I can't really picture where they are.

Otherwise, this was very intriguing, the parts I read, and I think you did a good job. :)
  





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Sun Nov 27, 2011 11:28 pm
nutmegan595 says...



First of all, sorry it took me so long to finish this but I've been busy. Next, awesome story beginning. I absolutely love that you killed off the whole team except Link, Shock, and Hydro. I'm really looking forward to the development of their relationship--especially Shock and Hydro. And I'm curious who Neg is. I'll give you my email tomorrow so you can send me the next few chapters.

Now for critiques. When the team is talking to Link the dialogue isn't always in itallics. That might not be your fault. YWS tends to eliminate itallics when you copy and paste unless you do their version of itallics. Besides I was able to figure out what was dialogue pretty easily.
I think you need to refer to individual people as "The Power" less often. I get you're trying to add variety, but like when Shock and Hydro are talking referring to Shock as "The Power" implies that Hydro is not a Power. I like how you'll call the team "The Powers" because we still get who they are.
After reading the spoiler I get why Connie, Sync, Turtle, and Shadow didn't have much character development. It bothered me while reading the chapter, though, because for a few chapters I wasn't sure if Turtle was a boy or girl. You also through a lot of characters at us in the beginning of the chapter--I'm fine with a lot of characters in the entire chapter, especially since half of them die, but there were a few paragraphs that were jam-packed and confusing.

Overall awesome story and I'm excited to see the other Powers and learn more about the characters. See you tomorrow.
  








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