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Dreamland Chapter One



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Tue Oct 25, 2011 10:21 pm
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nutmegan595 says...



Celestial Level
Kara Madsen entered the ballroom through a cloud of smoke and instantly her mood was lifted. Someone handed her a glass of champagne, but Kara did not even see them. Everyone at the party was sipping bubbly drinks and breathing in the pure bliss that filled the room.
“Isn’t this the best party ever?” Anne Park murmured to the group of teenagers around her. Kara sat in the chair next to Anne and leaned forward to hear the conversation over the hum of the party.
“Last year’s was good too,” Kingston Gray replied. “But I think this is much more potent.” Kingston leaned back in his chair and smiled.
“It’s their newest formula,” Kara interjected. “I’ll get us each a pack for when school starts.”
“Good,” Anne replied. “That liquor store stuff is so lame. I have to be constantly smoking it to feel anything.” Everyone in the group nodded and took a few deep breaths.
“I’m so bubbly!” Kara suddenly exclaimed. She jumped out of her seat and grabbed Anne’s hands. “Let’s go dance!” Kara led her friend through the white fog. One wall was entirely a picture screen that showed dancing colors and abstract images. The speakers at the top and bottom of the wall blasted high energy music. The two girls screamed as they danced with their hands in the air. Their shouts were drowned out by the music; and everyone in the room was too involved with their own emotions to care anyways.




Tellurian Level
Sector 8
Sirens blared from seemingly all directions. Ector pulled his hood closer to his face. He stepped closer to the fire.
“Ector?” a voice came from behind the boy. “Are you okay?” Ector turned to see his mother standing a few feet from the fire pit. Her eyes were rimmed with red and her skin was tight and sunken. Ector grabbed his mom’s sleeve and pushed it up above the elbow. There they were: the little black dots that proved she had been shooting up. By the way her eyes kept darting around and her jumpiness, Ector guessed she had done a cocktail of whatever emotions she could get her hands on.
“Mom, you need to sit down.” Ector grabbed his water bottle and handed it to Elsie once she sat in front of the fire. Elsie suddenly burst into tears when Ector sat across from her. Ector shook his head, but he did not feel concern for his mother. He vowed to stay away from the drugs peddled on this level, so he never felt much of anything. His mother, on the other hand, wanted to feel anything she could—even the negative emotions that currently filled her system.
“Why do you buy that stuff?” Ector muttered. Elsie just sobbed harder.
* * * * * * * *

Ector ran his finger over the grooves in the desk while the teacher droned on. The teachers did not live on the Tellurian Level—most of them came from One or Two—and shuttled down every day. One time, a few students managed to get on the shuttle before the teachers boarded. They were on Level 1 for three days before the badges found them. The badges took them to Sector 1, never to be heard from again.
“Ector,” Isaac Waits whispered. Ector turned around and saw a bunch of tiny blue pills in Isaac’s open hand. “Want some?”
“No,” Ector replied firmly and turned back around. Isaac’s father was a garbage collector for Madsen Labs, so he had access to the old versions of emotions and the ones that did not work right. Isaac usually stole a few from his dad’s stash and would try them out in different combinations.
“It’s just tranquility,” Isaac said, poking Ector in the back. “The worst that can happen is you pass out for a few hours.” Ector stood up and walked out of the room. The teacher continued talking as if nothing had transpired because he had taken an extra dose of patience that morning.
Last edited by nutmegan595 on Wed Oct 26, 2011 12:32 am, edited 1 time in total.
  





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Tue Oct 25, 2011 11:26 pm
Madi says...



Little hard to follow. Have you posted part of the story before this one? I feel as though i've picked it up from halfway through and have no idea who the characters are. I think I get a bit of an idea about where you're going with this, and as i read it reminds me of something from Star Trek. I like how you've broken up the point of views. Good idea. :) I hope as it gets further into the story we learn more about the Celestial Level and the Tellurian Level and the whole layout of the place - if it is one place.... xD
  





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Wed Oct 26, 2011 3:40 am
Prissy4908 says...



Its a good story so far, but I think you need to tell us more about the characters. For instince what does Kara look like?
There is a lot of ways that you can go with a story like this. It has a lot of potential.:)
Prissy4908
  





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Thu Nov 03, 2011 3:43 am
SamiStaletic says...



personially i don't agree completely with what the others said. I actually really enjoyed that ^_^.. hehe... he took some extra patience that morning. Actually, I loved it! You should keep going, for my sake :P
Eyes, look your last. Arms, take your last embrace and, lips, O you the doors of breath, seal with a righteous kiss
A dateless bargain to engrossing death.
  





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Thu Nov 03, 2011 10:33 pm
MrSherrington says...



I have some issues with loyalty.

Leading with a full name introduction never gets my rooting juices going. I always feel that authors should worry less about what their characters are called, and more about why I should care about their white fictional asses. Cocktail parties while nice are not making me feel like Miss Masden needs my concern, especially when she seems to be riding the 9.30 High Train to Drugtown. However I may guess that you're trying to contrast her cotton-esque existance with the lower echelons of your world. If so, I'd try to get me to care about lil' ol' Ector first. Have you ever seen "Kiki's Delivery Service"? It makes us fall in love with a dear old grandma who Kiki busts her ass for, to help make her grand-daughter a mother-f***ing pie for her birthday (Even though Kiki has a date!) and one broken oven, ruined date, and one soaked and aching heroine later; the pie gets delivered. Only to have it rejected by the stuck up cow, causing the audience to shout "F***ing B**ch!" at the top of their voices, if you want hatred...make a pie...a metaphorical one.
  





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Fri Dec 09, 2011 5:49 pm
Cadi says...



Hey nutmegan,

First up, I love the concept behind this piece. Emotion drugs are a very interesting concept, and there is a lot of room for you to play with them and their effects. I like how you're contrasting the two ends of society and how the emotions affect each end - I'm guessing the rest of the story here will play with both parts, and link them up somehow later on. I'm interested to find out how that works out.

Ok, so. I love the ideas, but I've got a few pointers on how you could improve the way you convey the ideas to the reader. The main idea here is that old and somewhat cliché-feeling mantra, show don't tell. Just saying it feels a bit worn, but it really is an important idea to keep in mind.

In terms of applying the idea to this piece in particular, I'd point to places such as the last paragraph of the Celestial Tier section, and Ector's interaction with his mother. In the Celestial Tier section, you've written an interesting dialogue-exchange that briefly introduces the Celestial characters' attitudes well, but then you cram all the action of the scene's end into this one paragraph. If you spread this out a little more, and perhaps show us the picture screen and the speakers through the characters' actions, you could make it feel a little less info-dump, and really drag the reader into the scene.

I'd also like to suggest splitting up some of these paragraphs. As a rough rule of thumb, it helps to start a new paragraph when the action changes significantly. For example, at the start of the Tellurian level:

“Ector?” a voice came from behind the boy. “Are you okay?” Ector turned to see his mother standing a few feet from the fire pit. Her eyes were rimmed with red and her skin was tight and sunken. Ector grabbed his mom’s sleeve and pushed it up above the elbow. There they were: the little black dots that proved she had been shooting up. By the way her eyes kept darting around and her jumpiness, Ector guessed she had done a cocktail of whatever emotions she could get her hands on.


Here we have several things happening: Ector's mother speaks, Ector sees that his mother has arrived, we describe Ector's mother, Ector greets his mother and discovers she's been shooting up. This is quite a lot to cram into one paragraph, and a casual reader might miss important bits of this (because for the most part, readers don't intently take in every single word on a page). I would start a new paragraph when we move from introducing Ector's mother to Ector grabbing her sleeve, for example. Because this is an action-change from "Action One: Mother's Arrival" to "Action Two: Ector Greets Mother", it makes sense to put a break in.

So, those were my main points. Other than that, just a few little comments:

-- Other people have mentioned that you're introducing a lot of characters in a very short space of time. I read this as focusing on Kara and Ector as the main two, and assuming you plan to develop them more in the story to come, I wouldn't have too much of a complaint about the many names, although if you could make the main ones stand out from the others a little more, it probably wouldn't hurt.

-- Then, on an almost line-by-line basis: the exchange between Anne and Kingston could use a little clarity. At the moment, Anne starts a conversation about the party, and Kingston responds with a comment about the potency of the emotion-drugs. A couple more words in these sentences could clear up the ambiguity.

-- And finally, one little thing that bugged me slightly: Kara's line "I'm so bubbly!" feels...forced. It doesn't feel like something a person would naturally say. Something like "I feel so fidgety!" or "I really want to dance!" would feel a bit more natural. Try saying lines of dialogue out loud to get a feel for what would seem realistic, perhaps.

Overall, though, as I said, I really like this. I hope you're planning to write and post more!
"The fact is, I don't know where my ideas come from. Nor does any writer. The only real answer is to drink way too much coffee and buy yourself a desk that doesn't collapse when you beat your head against it." --Douglas Adams
  








We are all broken. That's how the light gets in.
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