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First Light - Chapter Three



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Sat Oct 01, 2011 2:45 am
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Butterfly18 says...



Spoiler! :
So after some revision, I have issues with this chapter which I think will only be solved once I get feedback from a fresh pair of eyes. This is the third installment of First Light. I have lots of issues with writing exposition and making it sound natural and not deliberately informative. A lot of my work is action-first and emotion comes in second. Still working on injecting emotions into my writing, without it being so obvious.

The one issue that I need a fresh pair of eyes, outside perspective and honest opinion on, is the conversation in the last scene between Ela and Tana, when talking about the explosion.
Does it come across as an info-dump?
Also, does the information I present need more of an explanation in this chapter, or does it seem fine to wait until the very next chapter for more of an explanation on what Ela and Tana are referring to?

Any and all help is appreciated for this bit, guys. :)



The hovertram hit a bend in the track and momentum threw her into Tana. It straightened and Ela sat upright. Travelling by magnetic levitation in a hovertram was the fastest way around campus. A smooth ride most of the time. The tram hit another curve, and Ela slammed against the divider between her seat and the door.

The tram began to slow down, she noticed. The trees outside began to take shape, no longer a green blur.

It came to a stop. “Please exit via the main door,” said the tram.

The girls grabbed their backpacks and stepped off the tram.

“Hey, Ela.” Trix turned from a group of his friends loitering outside the school complex gates.

As predicted, she’d finished the obstacle course in the bottom fifty. Everyone went for a warm shower while she and the rest of the losers ran drills in the mud.

“When we goin’a shave off those goldilocks?” Von asked her.

“Shut up, Von,” Tana said.

“Make me.”

“I will.” Tana shoved him.

“Fight,” Endon said. The other boys circled them. “Kick his arse.”

“Whose side are you on?” Von asked his roommate.

“No offence, mate, but she could kick your arse blindfolded,” Endon said.

Ela pulled Tana out of the circle. “Come on.”

“Oh, she’s scared,” one of the boys goaded.

“Say it again, skinny, I’ll snap you in half,” Tana said.

Ela struggled to drag her away as the group began pretend-fighting each other. Hurling punches and kicks that missed, and let themselves be wrapped into headlocks so they could wrestle each other to the ground.

“Idiots,” Tana spat.

***


“Assemble over here,” Coach ordered. “Come on, hurry up.”

Ela hooked the stirrup tights around her feet and joined the group, wrapping her hands expertly in black cotton.

“Hey, you hear the explosion yesterday?” Marcelle asked.

“Saw it,” Ela said.

“Well, I overheard the Marshal talking about it to one of the Sergeants. Serious shit starting again,” Sicili, Marcelle’s roommate, said.

“Yet they all act like it never happened and none of us saw it. Think we’re stupid,” Tana said.

“Zip it,” Coach yelled, and the murmuring ceased. She stood in front of the lined up students. A Replica stood behind her, pale faced and about three feet taller. “Up first: Ela and Tana versus Shana and Terra.”

Ela watched their opponents as she made her way to the ring. “You want to fight first?”

“Oh yeah.” Tana sanded her hands together, full lips stretched into a devious smile.

A wallscreen switched on above the ring, and the timer displayed, stood at zero. “Ready to begin,” Coach said. A glass cylinder rose from the floor and sealed them inside. “Start.”

The group erupted into a rumble. “Takedown, Tana,” Sicili shouted.

“Put her down.”

Tana, a well-rounded fighter – but extremely good on the ground – threw a punch and tripped her opponent. Shana on her knees, Tana wrapped her arms around her neck, fell back and squeezed her legs around her torso. Tana pulled her arm up into Shana’s neck, trying to force her into submission.

She struggled to slip out of the choke, pulling down on Tana’s arm in an attempt to wedge her chin beneath it. Shana tapped out.

“Tana is the winner. 27 seconds,” Coach said. The glass cylinder lowered into the floor.

“Nice job.” Ela high-fived her partner.

“You just have to kick her arse,” Tana nudged her head in Terra’s direction. “And we have ourselves a double-win.”

I’ll try. Ela stepped inside the ring, pulling her gloves on tight. A weak breath passed through her lips, realising how little padding there was to protect her knuckles. She lifted her arms to shield her face and clenched her trembling hands into fists. Now the focus of Terra’s menacing stare, a shiver ran down her spine.

“Start.”

Terra hit her with a low kick. “Come on, Ela. What’ve you got?”

Leg throbbing, Ela threw a punch but missed. She cursed under her breath. Terra attacked with a high kick. Ela blocked and countered, hurling a right hook to Terra’s exposed face. Fist connecting with Terra’s cheekbone sent a shudder through Ela’s hand. Ela shook it off, determined to shut her up.

Terra hurled her fist, missed, turned and hurled another punch. Ela blocked the first and second. She saw the third punch coming, but couldn’t react fast enough. It collided with her ribs. Knuckles dug into the grooves between the bones, and a sharp pain shot through her. Protective gloves did nothing to disguise the force of Terra’s fist. Instantly, the air in her lungs disappeared.

Ignore it. She blinked away a tear and straightened her back, forcing a painful exhale. Ela threw a right hook meant to miss and grabbed Terra’s arm when she attempted to block. Twisting it round her opponent’s back, she pressed her knee into the back of Terra’s and forced her to the ground.

Terra rammed her free elbow back into Ela’s ribs. The sharp pain struck her chest, tightened her lungs and heart, constricting them to tiny cages. She hit the ground. Her eyes watered, and she forced the tears to recede. No one needed to know she couldn’t handle this, that she was weak, pathetic. Turning, Ela got to her knees, and Terra appeared over her.

Ela threw a punch into her ribs, and Terra doubled over in pain. She wrapped one arm around Terra’s neck, the other beneath her arm and fell onto her back. Squeezing her legs tight round Terra’s torso, each breath shuddered through Ela’s lips. Seven, six, five … she counted in her head. Two, one.

“Ela is the winner. 1 minute 57 seconds.” The glass cylinder lowered.

Tana skipped into the circle, grinning like a kid eyeing candy. “You won.”

Ela managed a quick smile when pain shot through her, and she grimaced.

“Pity it’s the only thing you’re good at,” Terra muttered.

“What’d you say?” Ela ignored the pain.

“You heard me.”

Tana shoved her. “Back off, Terra.”

“Does the truth hurt, Ela?” Shana said.

Ela rammed her fist into Shana’s face, and the four broke into a fight. She managed to get in a few punches and a knee before a pair of Replicas tore them apart. Shana growled, spitting in Ela’s direction.

Damn clones, Ela thought. I could take her.

***


They entered the Assembly Hall searching for a pair of empty seats.

“Tana, Ela. Over here,” Trix called.

She spotted his slender arm waving above the rows of heads and manoeuvred through the frenzied students.

“Saved you guys a seat,” he said.

Ela dumped her bag by her feet, falling into the chair beside him. “Thanks.” Someone tugged her shoulder, and she turned round.

“Ela, you should’ve seen it last night. This guy got kicked in the nuts,” Von nudged his head backwards to Endon.

“Nah, man, he’s full of it.” Endon folded his arms across his broad chest.

Tana chuckled, turned and pointed derisively at Endon. “Liar.”

“And he cried like a little baby,” Von cooed, pinching Endon’s cheek.

Endon hooked his arm around Von’s neck, pulling him down into a headlock. “Take it back.”

Von choked, “–like a baby.”

The hall doors sealed themselves after the last lot of students scampered inside.

“Demant,” Tana shouted over the babbling hum of the crowded hall. “Demant,” she cupped her hands around her mouth to direct the shout. He turned round from a row near the front and held up a hand. Tana waved. Gabe looked back at what held his friends attention, and Ela looked away before their eyes met.

The hall went dim as bright lights focused on the stage. A fuzzy image of Headmaster Peterson appeared. The three-dimensional projection came to life, and she walked up to the podium. “Quiet down, please,” Peterson’s voice boomed.

Marshal Slaton’s projection stood behind hers, proud of his crew cut, stiff military suit, and medals adorning his breast.

“Most of you follow the rules, and this establishment is grateful. Those of you who disregard them are immature and in fact, a disgrace,” Peterson said.

Oh boy, Ela thought, sliding down in her seat to hide. Hanging with a group of rebels her entire life, she’d realised something. The rules don’t apply if you’re willing to break them, but you have to be smart enough to not get caught.

“Last night at 2100 hours, students broke curfew and snuck into Training Sector A.”

Ela glanced sidelong at Tana who looked ahead innocently. Video footage began to play on the wallscreen behind Peterson and Slaton, and Ela knew it was Tana’s mocking feminine shadow doing an Egyptian dance across the field.

A wave of laughter swept through the hall. Peterson glared out at the rows of students and it ceased.

Another shadow, masculine and lean, walked a handstand behind Tana before it disappeared from the camera’s view. Trix. The surveillance footage minimized, and the campus seal sat in the centre of the screen.

“This type of behaviour is unacceptable. If anyone knows who is responsible, turn them in. That is all.” She and the Marshal switched places.

“Sit up straight,” Slaton ordered. His voice was rasp and always stern.

Ela sat up, and all the students obeyed. She smacked the back of her hand to Tana’s chest.

“Ow,” Tana said through clenched teeth, still slumped back lazily in her seat.

“Sit up,” Ela hissed.

Tana sat up, huffed and crossed her arms.

“Graduation for third years is in Spring,” the Marshal began.

“Aren’t they going to address the explosion out west?” Ela whispered.

Tana shrugged her eyebrows. “Why do you think I spend so much time doing recon?”

“You gunna’ start using that word instead of, spying?”

“That’s what we called it when we were ten. How old are we now?”

“Well, you’re still ten,” Trix said.

Tana ignored her brother. “Me and Demant were recon-ing last night. Some of the security guards were gossiping on their break. Apparently, everything from vehicles and aircrafts, to hand weapons and software have all been overhauled, by all four alliances. Some were thinking campus might come up on one of their radars.”

“We’re third generation. They’ll demolish and downsize this joint once we graduate. It won't be detected.”

“That’s two years away, Trix,” Ela said, biting her lip. She didn’t want to end up a million minute particles in the epicentre of one those explosions. They’d wiped out entire cities in the past. Now they could wipe out an entire state in one massive blow. She stared at the podium where Slaton still stood.

“So push through your training. Remember, you’ll only have each other out in the real world.”

“No shit,” Trix said.

Everyone stood upon Slaton’s order.

Ela stood and yanked Tana up out of her seat. Marshal Slaton spoke the Campus motto, and the students repeated in unison after him. “Have no weakness; know no fear,” Ela said.
  





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Sun Oct 02, 2011 10:06 am
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RenGrey says...



Brilliant once again. God I love this so much. Haha yes I lied and I decided I'd read one paragraph and well haha I made it through the entire page. I don't know what else to say. It was flawless. The characers are amazing the story line is uncomplicated and easy to follow. I was hooked from the title and the first chapter. Now I am sad since this is the last chapter you will posting. Oh woe is me what shall I do? I'm serious this is going to be a hit some day mark my words. Forget vampires that sparkle? This isthe new bstseller. I'll be siting grinning happy to say I read it before publish and was apart of your amazig creativity being born. Keep at it love. Your amazing your writing is a gift. And you use it well! <3
A Balanced Diet Is A Cookie In Each Hand
  





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69 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 3549
Reviews: 69
Sun Oct 02, 2011 10:51 am
Butterfly18 says...



Aww, well thank you for your kind words.
Though you love it as it is, there's still so much work to be done.

I'm going to finish the second draft like it is, emotion-scant. I'm on chapter fourteen at the moment, Act 2, which is like almost twice as big as act 1, so lots of writing ahead of me. I should be finished by Christmas. Haha.
But once I've done that, I'm going to work on my narration and exposition, and then bulk up the manuscript with the emotion and, sort of, soul, that its missing right now.

Even after that, will probably need at least one more whole re-write and a tonne more edits before it'll be ready to even consider getting published.

But yeah, I'm glad you love it. And I can't wait for the day it's published either. Haha. Will be a proud day for me.

:)
  








Perfection is lots of little things done well.
— Marco Pierre White