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Change and Survival: The Experiments' Story- Chapter 1



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Wed Apr 27, 2011 3:13 am
Silverdragon150 says...



The Prologue
Chapters 2 & 3

~Chapter 1~

Three. Two. One...
Zero.
At Hope’s command, she and four comrades fell from the trees onto the men with white coats. She latched onto one, wrapping her legs around his neck and taking him to the ground. She grabbed his taser gun off the ground and promptly shot him with it. He went limp, unconscious, and she looked up to see another one of her small band punch another white-coat’s face, knocking him out. Silence filled the air, broken by the let out of a sigh of relief.
“Is everyone alright?” She asked, looking around. She received nods and murmurs before leaning down to raid the guy’s weapons. Her friends followed suit, one giving out a whoop of triumph as he held up a current-looking newspaper. “Great. Now we've got something to call a success.” Hope nodded, flicking her brown hair back over her shoulders. “Alright, let’s hit it.” She hoisted the gun on her shoulder and leaped into the air, her brown wings stretching wide to catch the breeze.

Hope dove in through the roof of the tree house. She set down gently and tapped her leader on the shoulder. Turning, her silver wings came out a little bit. She grinned.
“Mission successful, I presume?” Silver asked, though she already knew the answer.
“Yep. We got a few taser guns, some more ammo, and a newspaper.” Hope smiled back and handed her the stuff.
“Nice haul, Hope.” She looked over the newspaper. “Hm, Grace will definitely want to see this too. Some of her people might be on here.” Silver closed the newspaper again. More of their band of fliers had gathered and were sitting around them. She looked up. “Now, our strike team has had a pretty good run today.” She announced, to which a few cheered. “We have a new newspaper, and I have looked at it. As far as I can tell, none of our families have disappeared that we didn’t know already. If you want to check, Zips will have it.” She tossed it up to a tall, skinny boy with sandy hair and fair complexion. He caught it with practiced ease. “But in five minutes, it’s out of here. Got it?” He nodded. “Alright. We need another food-gathering group to go gather a few things to last us the next week. Find what meat you can, but don’t kill anybody.” She pointed to a few people, and they flew off. “Astrid, get someone to help you take the guns to the armory, and then everyone can get back to whatever it is that we were all doing.” A pale winged girl nodded and lifted off. Then, they all dispersed, some leaning in to read the paper and squabbling over who should get the Funnies first.
Hope looked around and saw the familiar black and white wings of her friend, Faith, as she drifted down to her.
“Hey!” She called down to Hope.
“Hey.” Hope replied. “Was everything well whilst I was gone?”
“Yup, just dandy. Almost everyone has a hobby they enjoy. Oh, and a few of the Elementals came to visit today. Anna and Alexandra were chasing each other around playing hide and seek, until they were able to play some tricks on Luke and Chase. It was hilarious.” She chuckled and sat next to Hope. She imagined the girls, changed so they had control over plants, messing with some moody victims. Hope gave her a quick hug, because it was always good to know Faith was there for her. They sat there for a while; Hope was flashed back to when they had first met, back when they were total strangers. It felt like that had been years ago, when in all reality it couldn’t have been any more than a month ago, could it? A colorful hummingbird zipped past with a pack attached to it, and they knew that was Zips, off to deliver the newspaper. She yawned, very tired, and changed into a Peregrine Falcon. Faith, beside her, changed into her Swallow-Tailed Kite and they flew off to a nearby tree house, where they lived. After settling in for the night, Hope lay awake in bed for hours. Faith slept soundly, but it just wouldn’t come to her. She lay there, staring at the uncaring, unchanging ceiling.
Last edited by Silverdragon150 on Fri May 06, 2011 1:50 am, edited 3 times in total.
something something dragons something something open to conversation
Been quiet for a couple years, we'll see how this one goes.
  





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Wed Apr 27, 2011 5:20 am
Paracosm says...



Very interesting story! It was well written and the dialog was very smooth! I enjoyed reading this!
Review unto others as you would have others review unto you.

Don't panic!

Also, Shino!
  





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Wed Apr 27, 2011 5:53 am
freewritersavvy says...



I found this very different and interesting. I like your names. It was well written and easy to read.
Good Job!
~FW~
http://www.isiseiyr.com
~When you do the common things in life in an uncommon way, you will command the attention of the world. ~ George Carver

Writing...they claim it is a dangerous occupation... 'they' have no idea!
  





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Sat Apr 30, 2011 12:32 am
megsug says...



Hey,
I got around to your first chapter. I'm a little confused, but I'm not and... yeah. It's interesting. You just have a lot of characters that you've introduced. Sometimes they aren't even part of what's going on in the chapter. So it's all a little confusing. You did draw me into the chapter. I'm interested even more now.

Three. Two. One.
Zero.
If you're going to have zero a line own, I think it looks better with a ... after the one.

At Hope’s command, she and four comrades fell from the trees onto the men with white coats.
So... They're part of an experiment, but they have formed their own society and can attack scientists? Sounds... cool, but I'm having a hard time understanding. Anyway, I'm excited to see what you do with this.

He went limp, unconscious, and she looked up to see another one of her small band punch another white-coat’s face, knocking him out. Silence filled the air, broken by the let out of a sigh of relief.
There's repetition here. I think you could cut the first another, and we would still understand what you were saying.

“Are you all okay?” She asked, looking around.
This is complete opinion, by the way. Are you okay suggests someone's bent over in pain. Maybe, Is everyone alright? Or not. Just thought I'd point it out.

“Great. Now, we will have something to call a success.”
This is a real nitpick. We will sounds awkward here. I haven't noticed it before, so I'm going to assume this is a one time thing, but contractions are a wonderful thing. We'll sounds much better in this case than we will.

“But in five minutes, it’s out of here.
Out where? Why? If you're going to explain later, that's cool too.

Oh, and a few of the Elementals came to visit today.
What's an elemental? There is a group, but for every author they're a little different.

She chuckled and sat next to Hope. She gave her a quick hug, because it was always good to know she was there for her. She hugged back, and they sat there for a while.
Your use of she is confusing. I'd add in some names or something so we know who's doing what.

After settling in for the night, Hope lay awake in bed for hours. Faith slept soundly, but it just wouldn’t come to her. She lay there, staring at the uncaring, unchanging ceiling.
I like this ending most of the time, but we don't know why sleep is evading her at this point. Even if you explain it later, the effect is kind of lost on us.


Alrighty, I hope this helps. I really, really want you to continue, please. I'm intruiged.
Thanks for the reviews you've given me on The Masquerader.
Megsug
Test
  





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Wed Jun 08, 2011 7:16 pm
Indianwarrior12 says...



This is a very good story, I enjoy reading this. There are some places I would consider revising synch as
She looked up to see Another one of her small band punch another white coat
I would take out the first another and it would sound a lot better. It would also be better to replace "whilst" with while because it just seems kind of out of place. But other than that I really want to keep reading.
Personally... I kinda wanna take the dragon.
-Angel
  





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Wed Oct 12, 2011 10:19 pm
Adderstreaks says...



Awesome story, naturally. You're such a good writer, really. Must read the others 8D
  





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Thu Oct 13, 2011 6:55 am
Butterfly18 says...



This is a very interesting story.

The writing wasn't that bad either, just some of your sentences have few too many clauses.

I like the names, Hope and Faith. Sounds like the victims in this story need a bit of both. :)
  








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