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Motel 66 (chapter 5)

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Mon Mar 14, 2011 8:34 pm
Nightlyowl says...

Reni’s heart felt like it was on fire, it seemed as though Reni couldn’t get enough air into her contracted lungs. How did this happen? I was in that old house before… with Tyler… Tyler… she looked over at the bed quickly, nearly knocking herself onto the ground in the process. He was sleeping soundly in the bed. Exhaling, she peeked out the door. The manager, who told Chambers where she was, was still sitting at the front desk. What am I supposed to do now? The manager looked up at the television that was on in the lobby. She couldn’t get a good look at it, but she could hear what it was saying.

“A building exploded last night in the city, taking out three blocks in the fire. We don’t know how many were killed and how many were injured, but this freak accident might not actually be an accident. Detective Chambers, from the Child Service’s Juvenile Detention Center; has reason to believe that a child, Rennay Ella Woodman, and her brother; Tyler Alexander Woodman are the cause of all this destruction. It is not the first time a disaster has been on their hands, two years ago; Rennay killed her own mother, Cassandra Fay Woodman, in their own home. Cassandra’s body was never found…”

Reni stopped listening. Lies. It was all lies. She hadn’t blown up that house; she didn’t even know how to make a bomb. And she certainly didn’t kill her mother. That Shadow Warrior had taken her, which was why the police had never found her body. Reni’s mother would sort this entire mess out, as soon as Reni got her back. She closed her door and locked it, shoving the towels in the linen closet under the door. She didn’t want to hear it, they would list a whole bunch of accidents that happened whenever she was around, but she didn’t do any of them. The last one listed would be the death of that man in New York, they thought she did something to him because her fingerprints were all over his stuff, but that was only because she had stolen his wallet, nothing more.

She bit her lip and looked at Tyler. What to do, what to do. “You’re famous,” a voice said from the window. Reni turned around; it was that boy with the silver marks, Finch. “So you’re name’s Rennay, do you know how rude it was for you not to introduce yourself the last time we met?” he grinned and the feeling of hate crushed her confusion.

“My name isn’t Rennay, its Reni, and what do you want this time?” she snapped.

He shrugged and came into the room. He approached Reni and as he did, he pulled his sword out from its sheath and pointed it at her. “I’m here to kill you, I’ve been watching you,” confusion crossed over Reni’s face again. “Don’t think I haven’t, just because I left didn’t mean I was done with you. You didn’t answer all my questions.”

Before he could continue Reni interrupted. “Then why didn’t you help us out in the desert?” Reni had lost her temper again, why did he keep doing that? She couldn’t believe that they had been in trouble and all he did was watch them.

“You seemed to have it under control. Speaking of, that was quick thinking with the quicksand,” the blade drew blood as Finch pressed it into her throat a forced grin on his face. Reni held her head up high and didn’t flinch, she could tell that he still didn’t want to kill her, it was all just threats. “That Shadow Warrior has been following you too, not just me. It was there in the desert, it walked by so that you would spot the quicksand, and it saved you and your brother when that house caught on fire. Why was it helping you? What are you to it?” He stepped closer and more, warm blood slipped into the collar of her T-shirt.

“I’m nothing to it, I don’t know why it saved us or helped us; but from what I see, you’re the true demon, because it has done more for us than you ever did,” she spit at his feet. “All I’m doing is trying to get me and my brother into the Tunnel of the Damned, so that blade is at the wrong person’s throat,” Reni looked him right in the eye.

“No its not, that thing would never help a human unless it had a reason to,” Finch shook his head stubbornly.

“Maybe it does have a reason, I don’t know. But you’re not sure that it has anything to do with me, otherwise I’d be dead. And even if you know you were right, and you still haven’t run me through, that makes you a coward and a bad Guardian.”

Finch sliced her collar bone and sheathed his blade. “Why do you want to get into the Tunnel of the Damned?”

“What the hell, you cut me!” Reni held her hand to her bleeding neck. “Why did you do that if you weren’t going to kill me, you jerk!” She threw the closest thing she could at him; it was a pillow.

“You were getting on my nerves, count yourself lucky that I didn’t kill you, because then you’d be in terrible pain.”

“Go to hell, I’m not telling you anything!” She punched him in the stomach. Rather she tried to, because he caught her fist in his hand, she stumbled when he pulled her to the left wall and slammed her against it.

“I’ll let you go when you promise not to hit me,” he swore.

“Shove it,” she snapped. “I’m not telling you anything, it ain’t your business.”

He put his face right next to hers and whispered. “It is, you see, as a Guardian I’m supposed to keep people out of the Break, which means I have to keep them out of that tunnel. Besides, I could always ask your brother,” he turned his head and smiled at Tyler, who was now up and glaring at Finch’s back. “Hey buddy, how’re you feeling, I saved you and your sister from that burning house you were in.”

“What are you doing to my sister?” he asked coming closer.

Finch chuckled. “She thought I was going to hurt you two.”

“He’s lying, Tyler,” Reni said struggling to break free, Finch was so much taller and stronger than her, he also had the upper hand because she was under weight.

Finch let her go and then sat at the table. “Look, I can help you whether you want to believe it or not, but I need to know why you want to get into the Break.”

Reni rubbed her wrists and then brought her hand to her neck. “I don’t need your help, I’ve been taking care of us for two years, and I can still do it, we’re close, I know we are.”

“You are, I’m not telling you otherwise, but you can’t expect to make it passed the Devil, all the traps, and the Shadow Warriors in that portal without the help of someone who can actually kill the creatures inside the tunnel.”

“Reni, he has a point, you never told me what we were gonna do once we got into the Break,” Tyler whispered to his sister. “Besides, he knows his way around, and I have the feeling that we should let him come.”

“He just tried to kill me, and you want him to come along?” Reni demanded.

Tyler nodded. “He didn’t kill you though, and he was only doing his job, he thought we were with the Shadow Warrior that helped us.”

“How do you know about it?” Reni asked. “Have you been awake this whole time?”

“No, but I saw the Shadow Warrior lay you down next to me, he smiled and then left.” Tyler said. A stern look was on his face as he thought back to last night. “He said something too… ‘go back to sleep Tyler, watch out for Reni, she needs help even if she thinks she doesn’t.’” Tyler looked at his sister.

“No, I don’t need help. I’m fine, and I don’t need looking after, especially by you,” she snapped.

Tyler pouted. “He said you would say that.” Tyler turned to Finch. “You can come along. We need help finding our mother.”

“We can’t trust him!” Reni said placing a hand on her brother’s shoulder.

“Maybe not, but, the Shadow Warrior told me that we should keep him close; he said we couldn’t get to mommy without his help.”

“That Shadow Warrior took mom, and you want to do as it says?” Reni was losing her calm.

Tyler looked at his sister with a blank, even face. “Yes, he showed me what happened that night. Reni you have to actually remember what happened, not what you think happened, and you have to remember all the events that happened that night… because Reni, he never took mom.”

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Sun Aug 28, 2011 2:56 pm
borntobeawriter says...

Ok Nightly. Back for another.

You're going to have to work on your descriptions a little more. We don't get a real sense of who your characters are.

Twice in a few chapters you mention that she loses her temper which she never does. That's telling us, not showing up. I don't feel like I'm getting into the characters head at all, when 5 chapters in, I should be.

How does she feel? Is she mad, does she feel dragged down by her brother? Why isn't she panicking more about being back in the motel? Why in the world would she agree to start a fire in the old decrepit shack? You could have her say no, explain the reasons why, and have Tyler plead with her. Have her had a thought process here. We'd see she's responsible, but can't resist her brother.

And why, when Finch gets into her room, does she not think of Tyler right away, wanting to keep her voice down and protect him? No. She just loses her temper at him, and forgets about her confusion and panic. Um, huh?

I get the impression that she's a very passive character. She reacts to events, instead of creating them herself. Even Tyler seemed more mature than her in this chapter. In the last, he was a lost little boy, needing his big sister. This one? He's making decisions, going against her best judgment, which is what has kept alive.

Again, if you follow their thought process here, you could have Tyler saying that they need help. They should find someone and try to explain everything. After all, they can't be the only ones who know about the Break cracks. And then you could have Reni feeling guilty or sad. Maybe she thinks she's failed him somehow if he wants someone else's help.

Do you see? It brings the characters alive. We have a feeling of who and what they are. We get thoughts and emotions. And that is how your readers will relate to them.

Hope this helps!


I was promis'd on a time, To have a reason for my rhyme: From that time unto this season, I receiv'd nor rhyme nor reason.
— Edmund Spenser