z
  • Home

Young Writers Society


The Seed of Life



User avatar
39 Reviews


Gender: Male
Points: 1014
Reviews: 39
Sat Apr 24, 2010 1:46 am
Smilykid says...



Prologue: The Prince's Convoy


Prince Evan, meticulously sipped the white wine. He puckered, examining the converging flavors in his mouth.
"Fine quality, Joel." Evan set the wine glass, carefully on the metal table next to him.
"Only the finest for you, my Prince." Joel bowed low. The Prince rarely showed compassion for people. He had a select few with whom he shared all his secrets. Joel was one of those few. The old man had been hired for Evan when he was a mere five years old. Joel rose and walked toward the silver door. It automatically slid back and allowed him through. Evan lightly placed his palm on the smooth surface of his chair's armrest. The room dimmed dramatically and hologram with many arranged digital cubes was suspended in front of him. With the other hand, he tapped on the cube on the third row, labeled, "Classified". The former hologram disappeared and was replaced by a password box. The prince smirked. Or course his father would keep his most important files under tight lock. He thought hard. Then, it was obvious to him.
He leaned in closer to the password box. "Evan," he said.
The program hummed and a female voice synthesized, "Access Granted."
How sentimental , he thought.
His father, being the Head of the Space Endeavor Program (S.E.P.)shouldn't have time for petty things like family and sentiments.
"That is the very reason I plan to overthrow my father," he said to himself."My father is to weak. I will unlock his secrets and find the piece I need-" The folder of classified files opened. "for the checkmate."

Evan stared, his eyes cold and knowing. He had found more than he had expected. The hologram was now showing a changing diagram of a human body.
Evan leaned in closer. "A human super race, designed as the main attack force for the S.E.P. They're called the Rawrd." The holo was now showing a Rawrd holding a massive double-sided axe. The Rawrd was at least nine feet tall with biceps the size of soccer balls. Evan exited the file and found a gold file. He tapped on it and it revealed a hologram of rotating cylinder with a seed, levitating in the center. Evan grinned.
"This is the kind of secret I was looking f-" There was a knock on the door.
"Ahem, Prince?" It was Joel's voice.
Evan hit his hand on the armrest. The room lit and the holograms disappeared.
"Come in Joel."
The old man walked in. "We have rendezvoused with the convoy."
Evan looked out the window and into the depths of space. Joel then led him to the front of the ship, where the auto-pilot was on. In front of their shuttle were a whole fleet of freight ships.
"No one must know I am here, Joel."
Evan activated the communication link.

-Smilykid :D
"Imagination is more important than knowledge." -Albert Einstein




User avatar
25 Reviews


Gender: Male
Points: 2599
Reviews: 25
Fri May 28, 2010 11:25 pm
View Likes
ratdragoon says...



Intriguing... Needs a bit of work, though. For the most part it was tight grammatically. Just a few things I noticed:

My father is to weak
should be "too"

Prince Evan, meticulously sipped the white wine
You don't need the comma there, it makes the sentence really awkward to read. Just try reading it out loud, and you'll see. handy tip :D

I think it would help to have a little more description. The setting needs to be fairly certain from the word go, and the reader should get a picture of characters in their head fairly soon , just little things like what Evan's face looks like or the way Joel walks. Is Evan Handsome or constantly scowling... or both? Does Joel hobble or shuffle?

Another thing, I found it a little hard to keep up with the context. Prince, for me, alludes to a historical setting. Then the mention of the Space Endeavor Program shot me into the future. Maybe this would be explained later (in the next chapter or something) but the context felt a little shaken when the futeristic super-humans were depicted using battle-axes. However, I think that could be fixed simply with some setting of the scene early on.

Moving on, to some more positive things ^_^

I will unlock his secrets and find the piece I need-" The folder of classified files opened. "for the checkmate."
I really liked the metaphor here, worked very well, very nice :D

The plot is very clear, which is excellent. Prince, trying to take over father, super-humans, all in space. It read as something pretty unique, which is never bad! It finishes well too, and leaves strings loose to intice us to keep reading the next part (Hopefully you'll write more?)

Keep up the good work, I think you have a really good story here. I'll be looking out for part two :D







Do. Or do not. There is no try.
— Yoda