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FREAK



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Fri Apr 16, 2010 4:44 am
Jiggity says...



Hola! I have to be quick, I'm in a rush, but overall this is much improved!


She almost fell, but she had to keep moving. She had to get to the gate. If she stayed, she would be sent away. But if she kept moving...


Watch the needless repetition.


And she wanted to cry. Her lungs burned, her heart shuddered, and every step twisted her knees so that tears sprang to her eyes. When she finally came to the gate, it was all she could do but to keep herself from crying.


As with before.


It was a man’s voice, but she didn’t see him at first. The whitewashed apartments across the street stared down at her and trash fluttered down the street like an injured pigeon. And then she saw the car.


This simile confused me a little, not sure if it works with the plural of trash and the singular of 'an injured pigeon' - where your writing was perhaps too sparse before, her you have some forced, awkward imagery. Maybe pick a singular thing to focus on, a can, for instance.

A man stood next to the car. And his face shocked her. When he was younger, he might have been handsome, but now his jaw was drawn tight. He looked old. And yet, as old as he seemed, his face held no expression. He might as well have been wearing a mask. “So are you the freak?”
She curtseyed. “Please sir, are you my new master, sir?” Her voice was barely a squeak.
He glanced at her. “Maybe. How old are you?”
“Twenty, sir.”
“Twenty what?”
“Twenty years, sir.”


An old face shocked her? Why? Be specific, simple unexplained shock isn't enough. I didn't believe this passage of dialogue at all. Too indecisive and casual from him, not nearly enough from her. More direct, powerful lines from him. He knows what he's doing and he's not to be questioned.

"So Are you the freak?"

That she actually doesn't answer him here is implausible. She's supposed to be scared out of her wits and used to following orders with rote precision and never, ever, questioning, no? So, how is it that she is so bold to question someone so obviously, ridiculously far above her?

"Are you the freak?"

She curtsied. "Yes, sir."

He glanced at her. "How old are you?"

“Twenty, sir.”

“Twenty what?”

“Twenty years, sir.”


That's how it should read, I think.

When she said nothing, he said, “I was under the impression that I would purchase ordered the oldest freak here. The freak that helped out with the children. She was twenty.”


It's the same here, as well. Just a bit too conversational from him, from what I understand of his character, it just doesn't sit well. Maybe something more like the suggestion?


After a couple of minutes of silence, she peeked outside again. Everything was purple and distorted through the tinted glass and the buildings all twisted into strange shapes. She stared at this with wonder before turning back to the gentleman.


Starring back at her was the biggest house she ever saw. Tall and white, it loomed in front of her, peering at her curiously with large glassy eyes.


You used the glassy eyes line earlier in the chapter. Repetition, repetition!

“Well?” the man asked, as the driver left them and a sweet burst of wildflowers drifted past. “Are you ready to go inside?”
She glanced to the man, frightened. Carefully, she squirmed out of her seat, but her movements were too slow and everything hurt.
He sighed. “Here, let me help.” He bent down to pick her up. She whimpered and shrunk away at first, but he cradled her in his arms and took her to the door. Carefully, he set her down on her feet, holding her up until he knew she had the balance. She swallowed.
“Thank you, sir,” she murmured.
He opened the door. “Welcome home, Freak.”


Hm. Has he changed from what I remember? This all feels very strange. Later in the third chapter, he is more like what I remember, cold, decisive, in control. Powerful. In this chapter, I am honestly confused as to who he is. Is that intentional? His casual tone, his helpfulness, 'are you ready to go inside?' / 'welcome home, freak?'

So, I'm going to end this here and wait to see what you say about that. There's a lot more basic editing that needs to be done, a fair few sentences that need to be cut and tightened and mistakes that need to be corrected but I don't have the time to go through that right now, and I don't have internet at home for the moment, so I'll come back to this later. I will say that I found it to be a good deal easier to read, and I went through to the end this time, it's just a bit raw in places. Hope this helps!
Mah name is jiggleh. And I like to jiggle.

"Indecision and terror, thy name is novel." - Chiko





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Fri Apr 16, 2010 7:09 am
Snoink says...



All right, thanks! You're definitely right about the rawness... it is very new. It will be edited, so don't stress yourself too much about that. <3

Thanks for looking at Sadie's father! Something about him struck a wrong chord with me, so I'm glad I'm not hallucinating. I'll fix that. But it's good to know I'm on the right track! :D
Ubi caritas est vera, Deus ibi est.

"The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Master calls the butterfly." ~ Richard Bach

Moth and Myth <- My comic! :D





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Sun Apr 18, 2010 6:29 am
Jiggity says...



Yes, his behaviour definitely struck me as odd. So, I'm glad that *I* wasn't imagining that haha. Now, onwards and upwards, eh?

The freak gasped. The walls were covered in light green tiles and the floor was layered with such an assortment of mismatched towels that the colors were overwhelming. Elsa pushed the freak in, kicked away the towels, and turned on the bathwater. “Take off your clothes and get in. I’m going to shave your head.


I feel like you can do more with this. Rather than having her just say "I'm going to shave your head now" then proceed to do so with minimum of fuss, make an event of it. Have her suddenly grab the freak's head and start hacking off her hair -- I want to feel something from the freak here and I think it's a good opportunity for it. Surely the freak would feel something about it, some sense of horror - maybe her hair was the only thing she truly felt good about? Was it painful? There was bandaging involved, so I assume so. Make it rough and tough.

A large majority of the dialogue in this second chapter is insipid and truly hard to get through. All of the Dickensian 'Oh Miss, please' and 'Sir' that is incredibly annoying, especially in the middle. That was the hardest part to work through, so maybe give that a look over and try not to constantly ram down our throats the idea that she is a squeaky, weak little servant. She is 20 after all, not a child of nine.

It may kill instantly, but I don’t want the rugs to be stained with too much blood. The servants will complain; besides the rugs were expensive.”


This is another example of what I mentioned before. Would he really give a shit if his servants complained?

It may kill instantly, but I don't want the rugs to be stained with too much blood. They were expensive.


Now, it may be that he actually would care about his servants complaining and if that's the case, fair enough. He is allowed to be different, no mistake about that but just be aware that this opening is important to show people the basic elements - plot and character wise, we don't need to see every nuance of character, if that's what you were going for. Be direct and simple to begin with and build complexity as you go. At least, that's what I'd recommend.

The whole scene with the gun, mind you, is awesome. ^^ Glad you obeyed Chekhov there.

I really, really hope the freak - Beth if you will - loses the Oliver Twist voice and gets one of her own. And quickly. It's vital to readability.

Sarah clapped her hands. “Very well! How are you doing, Beth?”

The freak felt helpless. “Oh, Miss!” she said. “It’s a very pretty name, but I’m a freak!”


This, for instance, has to go. I absolutely despised that line.

“Tell him I’m not hungry.” Then, as an afterthought, she said, “Give the freak her dinner. She is my new maidservant.” Sarah turned and walked into her.

The freak heard a click of a lock.


walked into her door.

**

I was going to say that chapter two was weakest and needed the most work, probably because of all the 'Miss'-ing dialogue but that's not the case. I thought the gun scene was in the third chapter, luls. On re-reading it, it's the third chapter, which is just talking - boring talking nonetheless - that probably needs the most tightening. Nothing happens. Not really.

How old is Sadie by the way? Or Sarah - why she has two names is never explained, on that note. Her dialogue is quite hurried, blurted out a lot it seems - in the fashion of the really young. Which is fine if she is, but if she's a little older, maybe lose all the exclamations in the dialogue. But yes, that's all pretty much a lengthy way of saying, tighten it! Haha. Which you're no doubt doing anyway. Overall, it's still a stronger opening than before ---oh, and on that note I wanted to mention that I hope Beth's constant exhaustion is explained at some point -- so well done.
Mah name is jiggleh. And I like to jiggle.

"Indecision and terror, thy name is novel." - Chiko





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Sun Apr 18, 2010 9:29 am
Snoink says...



LOL. Yeah... I cut out Chapter 1 and so Chapter 3 is now Chapter 2. It's much more streamlined!

Sadie's 15! I think that's young, but then again, that was almost seven years ago for me, so I might have missed my mark. :P In a previous version, I had her explain the nickname... maybe I'll bring that up. :)

Hm... a description of the bath? Part of me wants to get to the gun scene as quickly as I can, but I'll see if I can artfully make the bath scene into something else. The main reason that the freak is exhausted is she's basically been abused and neglected for the last whoknowshowlong, so maybe the bath scene can show this rather than having perpetual confusion ensue! I'll play with that.

As far as chapter 3 goes... yeah. I did tighten it up from what it was, but it's always been consistently disappointing to me. It needs more conflict, I think... more real conflict. I'll play around with that too.

It's kind of frustrating, actually, lol. The first ten chapters of FREAK are sooooo slow, but then it speeds ahead and it's really captivating (for me, anyway). So these chapters really need to be refined for some sense of consistency.

As far as Sadie's father goes, he's supposed to be a very bitter, disillusioned man whose coping mechanism usually involves a great deal of sarcasm. He tends to be a cool, rational guy who is generally patient, but he has fits of rage in which he can hurt people -- usually those that are closest to him. He kind of hates himself and because of this holds anybody who is close to him in disdain, including Sadie. The only way he'll respect these people is if they hate him to some extent; the greater the hatred, the higher the respect. In this way, he's highly masochistic, even as he's sadistic to the people close to him. To servants and the like (except, notably, Elsa), he is generally a very generous and likable man. He doesn't think much of this, however--he attributes this good impression as a lie of sorts and maintains that if they knew the true side of him, they would not be so pleased. With that said, he does have a notion of honor and strives to be more honorable, but again he thinks that, by striving for honor, he is essentially living a lie, thus hates himself even more. He wasn't always like this, but several key events (his first family being "sent away" as freaks for a political statement that he made, the time he spent in prison, and so on) have really soured him for life in general. His main motive for getting the freak in the first place was to get a slice of his old life back, but he doesn't really know what to do next now that he has her, especially since she's in such bad shape. She was not what he expected or hoped for, so this is just making him even more bitter and cool toward everybody. If that makes sense.
Ubi caritas est vera, Deus ibi est.

"The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Master calls the butterfly." ~ Richard Bach

Moth and Myth <- My comic! :D





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Sun Apr 18, 2010 9:59 am
Jiggity says...



Hm. Okay. Cool, well he's certainly the most interesting character thus far, it'll be interested to see him grow. I know about the frustration! I'm having the same thing with my story - it's so damn slow! I want it to get off the ground and start soaring already but the run off is proving to be long and staid, like a mule that patiently ignores my insistent heels. It is not amused. >_>
Mah name is jiggleh. And I like to jiggle.

"Indecision and terror, thy name is novel." - Chiko





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Sun May 02, 2010 3:25 am
Elinor says...



Hi Karina!

My goodness, I think I'm in love with this story. It's so unbelievably compelling, and the edits made it ten times better; I liked how you were able to condense the bits that dragged on for a bit too long and further focus on developing the story so it's not too long but still moves at a brisk pace. I like the added development for the character of Sarah that you were able to factor in; I'm curious to see where she leads. I really want to know more, I really do! I'm curious to learn more about the freaks, who exactly they are, and how they came to be and such.

Well, that's all I have to say for now! Keep writing this story. I WANT TO READ MORE.

-Elinor xo

All our dreams can come true — if we have the courage to pursue them.

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Sun May 02, 2010 3:29 am
vox nihili says...



My, this is quite something! At the very begining I was under the impression the character had been hit by a car or grievously injured in some way (becuase of the description of pain) but I still cannot figure out what, precisely is wrong with her...other than she's some sort of slave and genetically engineered in one way or another.

This is some other society, clearly, and I'm eager to learn more of it. Freak, or 'bethany'....my, what characters. i hope there's more!





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Thu May 06, 2010 5:06 am
Navita says...



Oh my God. I...this...

It was just wow. I don't know how else to say it. I am not a big fan of sci fi - but this definitely caught my eye, and strung me along for the ride the whole way. I can definitely picture it as a novel. As a saga, a bestseller. And you are NOT allowed to stop writing it.

I loved the rate at which you revealed things. It was mostly a 'show' going on - what the freak is, the relationship between Sarah and father etc - and it was perfectly zipped together - all tight and churning. The places where you threw me were during that scene with the gun - I didn't know the characters much to begin with, I only vaguely guessed what might happen - but the intensity of that scene, alongside with the amount I subconsciously learnt about the characters was breathtaking.

I'm sorry. I'm not going to be useful and tell you off for anything. You've clearly worked and reworked these many times, and just about everything is brilliantly put together.

There was just one bit where I felt myself skim-reading - maybe between the end of chapter one and the beginning of chapter two? Also - I believe you said 'strange look passed over his/her face' repeatedly. But it's a small fault, in comparison to the energy of the piece.

Can't wait to see the rest, in all its glory. :P





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Wed May 19, 2010 4:18 am
Jas says...



Hey :)

I actually read this on my phone when it was in the begining stage thing, when the old mistress was yelling at her and the maidservant lady gave her a bath and they talked about her blonde hair or something. I think I liked that version better. This was really good, I'm always hearing stuff about FREAK but I've never read it and now that I have, woah I've been missing a lot. I love the father charcter and Sarah but I hope the freak gets a little tougher as the story progresses. You really should put up more of this :D

~Jasmine Bells~
I am nothing
but a mouthful of 'sorry's, half-hearted
apologies that roll of my tongue, smoothquick, like 'r's
or maybe like pocket candy
that's just a bit too sweet.

~*~





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Wed Jun 30, 2010 9:15 am
Yuriiko says...



Hello there, Snoink!

First off, I'm very honored that I'm the 20th person to like this! hehe. :D
I was going to read this before, last month I think. But I didn't have the vacant time and it was already late.

Anyways, I say this is really a good read. You kept me entertained from the first word until the last statement of your piece.

I'll nitpick on something, okay?

Repetitions:
Repeated words are sometimes never fun to read and kind of annoys me a little bit, especially on the first two chapters; the 'glassy eyes'. Though I think 'curtsied' is forgivable. hehe. :wink:

A part Tell-y:
I have to agree with Rosey and Kara, you tend to chopped off sentences or something like that, which I think is not a good idea. I think you should be more show-y. :wink:

For my final thought or opinions, I find this really interesting and amused me every sentences. Personally, I hate the cliffhanger, 'cause this is really good and intrigues me to know what will happen next! :smt003
By the way, whenever I read the word 'freak', I would laugh. haha. I don't know why, really. :mrgreen:
PM me for questions, Snoink!

Keep up the good work!

Peace out!

~yuri
"Life is a poem keep it in the present tense." -Sherrel Wigal





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Wed Sep 08, 2010 9:43 am
seeminglymeaningless says...



Hey :) You helped me with my physics, and I hope I can provide some input for your novel :) From what I can remember of the old version, this has improved in terms of pace, but has also lost a lot of interesting back story. I guess you have to sacrifice one for the other :)

Chapter 1

She couldn’t get up at first. She could barely move. It took her two minutes before she tried to sit up and five until she finally did. And even then, the world lurched around her and the orange and gray sky devoured the rooftops, leaving behind blank buildings, which stared at her with glassy eyes. Behind her was the house, a peeling, two-story monster that she had lived in for all her life. And before her was the gate.

I understand that the repetition is somewhat necessary, as you don't wish to address her as "the freak" until she has been identified as such, but it's a tad painful to keep on reading those two forms of addressing a female. You could say, "the girl", "the young teen", "the adolescent", "the scantily-clad female" - anything to limit the usage of "her" and "she".

Other than that, I also found the beginning could be shortened a bit/be made less specific. Who times themselves getting up? "The girl could barely move. It took her several torturous moments to sit up, and then several more before she mustered the strength to stumble to her feet. The world lurched around her and the orange and gray sky devoured the rooftops, leaving behind blank buildings, which stared at her with glassy eyes. Gravel fell from her legs and her whole body ached."

The way you've started is good, but I feel it could be condensed more. Those four paragraphs (and the one line one) could be made into two.

Regarding the house she used to live in - if freaks are not natural/rare, wouldn't they be kept in some sort of facility? Later on Sarah says, "What have they engineered you to do?" (or something alike, excuse my paraphrasing). If that's the case, as in, they've been biologically engineered, I'm wondering why this particular freak has started in this setting. Also the freak's name. Surely the dog tags would at least hold a number - if she was processed, then her package number/lot number/case number, and she could be called Eighteen-Fifty-Two, or something as opposed to being referred to as "the freak" all the time. I realize it's meant to be demeaning, but it's a bit annoying for the reader :)

The beginning is also at odds with the way the freak acts when faced with death in the gun scene. Here she shows determination and a strong will, whereas at the other point of the story, she is obedient and subordinate. Ad timid. The freak isn't a very likeable character :P

If she stayed, she would be sent away. But if she kept moving...

I don't get this bit. Staying = Sent away. Getting to the gate = Going away. Unless there is a critical difference, maybe it doesn't need to be mentioned here until much later.

She gritted her teeth, grabbed her silver dog tag, and stumbled forward.

Was it silver in the terms of metal, 925? Or was it silver in colour? If a freak can't have a name, can be killed without any investigation, I don't imagine they'd be allowed to posses silver.

A man had bought her yesterday. If she kept moving, she would have a home. All she had to do was walk to the gate. And she wanted to cry. Her lungs burned, her heart shuddered, and every step twisted her knees so that tears sprang to her eyes. When she finally came to the gate, it was all she could do but keep herself from crying. Slowly, she leaned on the gate, pressing her face deep against the chain links. With one hand, she clung to the rusty gate and with the others she fingered her dog tag, tracing the word “FREAK” over and over again.

Repetition.

“Freak?”

Are freaks easily identifiable? If not, why would he assume that she was the freak he was after? Where is her previous owner, seeing her off/giving the man the new dog tag? It all seems so random. Why was she on the gravel of the courtyard in the first place?

It was a man’s voice, but she didn’t see him at first. The whitewashed apartments across the street stared down at her and trash fluttered down the street like an injured pigeon. And then she saw the car. It was a black sedan, a beautiful car that shimmered with tiny silver flecks. And embedded in the grill was the tiniest sparrow, its eyes closed and its wings folded at an odd angle.

A man stood next to the car. And his face shocked her. When he was younger, he might have been handsome, but now his jaw was drawn tight. He looked old. And yet, as old as he seemed, his face held no expression. He might as well have been wearing a mask. “So are you the freak?”

Are those "And"s necessary? Also, why would a face that would have been handsome, but was old and expressionless... yet his jaw was drawn tight... and might as well be wearing a mask, shock her? If it's because she's never been in contact with a man before, mention that, if it's because she's never been in the presence of an older person before, say that.

“You smell like kerosene!”

This is such a random thing. You never mention why she smells like kerosene, and it just seems out of place. It's as if you've dropped us into the second chapter, and we've missed everything of the first and it's not explained later on.

Automatically, she shrank away. The man just stared. For a moment, it was quiet. Then, slowly, he ran his finger around her neck until he found the chain. He tugged the dog tag out. “You are twenty.”
“Yes, sir.”
A strange look crossed his face. “Come in.” He opened the car door and gestured to some rags. She curtseyed once more and crawled into the backseat of his car.
The man sat down next to her, signaled the driver, and leaned back. The car rumbled forward.
It was quiet.

As someone else said earlier, perhaps describe the car ride. Had the freak ever been in a car before? I know that my first airplane and train ride were exciting for the first few minutes. Also, now that I think about it, should she know what a Sedan is?

Finally, just when she was sure that they would crash into the silver mountains up ahead, they turned onto a country road that went and stopped.

They turned onto a country road that went and stopped?

At first, the freak couldn’t figure out why, but when she looked out at the front window, she gasped and shrunk into the seat.

The freak does a lot of shrinking. She should be the size of a pebble at the end of the novel :P

Tall and white, it loomed in front of her, peering at her curiously with large glassy eyes.

You've used "glassy eyes" to describe windows once already. It's like saying someone has "limpid eyes" and noticing every single time that description is repeated :P Not that I'm comparing your writing to that of Tara's.

“Well?” the man asked, as the driver left them and a sweet burst of wildflowers drifted past. “Are you ready to go inside?”

Do you mean the smell of those flowers, or the flowers themselves? Someone before me said that Sarah's father's character wasn't consistent, and he's not. Here he is a gentleman, asking if she is ready, carrying her over the threshold. Inside he jokes with the housemaid (?) that the freak won't last very long, sounding like he almost wants her to die. And then later he takes a risk with the freak's life in the gun scene. The early father sounds like a completely different character to the later one.

The woman wheeled around, frowning. “What do you want?” Then she saw the freak. She stepped back, her eyes wide. “What is that?”

That seems like an abrupt way to greet the man who employs her.

The man turned to the freak. “Give me your dog tags.”
Instantly the freak’s hand shot up to her necklace. “Sir,” she began.
He sighed.Let me rephrase that statement in a way that you will understand: gGive me your dog tags or else I will send you away.”

If the dog tags are the only thing that identify a freak, wouldn't they be unremovable? Unbreakable?

The man laughed. “She’ll be a perfect maidservant for Sarah then! Cheapest maidservant I’ve had in years. Clean her up now and I’ll increase your salary by ten-percent this month. I’ll even give you an additional ten-percent for every month that she survives.”

This paragraph is a huge contradiction. First he says that he'll be saving a huge amount of money, then he doesn't care for money because he's offering to increase the maid's salary. A salary is a fixed amount of money paid to a worker, usually measured on a monthly or annual basis, not hourly, as wages, so this man is willing to increase the maid's income by a huge amount. Not only that, but he is going to increase that salary 10% more every month the freak stays alive. And he's doing this... why? If the maid is a maid, she should do what she's been told to do. And if being the task is to wash someone up, then the maid really shouldn't require further compensation.

Elsa scowled. “Fine. I’ll play your game. But I want twenty-percent.” She turned to the freak. “Come on, Freak, let’s go.”

lol, this just outrages me even more. 20%? By the father agreeing, she gets a initial 20% straight up, for washing the freak. Say her salary is $800 a month. That's $160 extra straight away, so Elsa gets $960 a month now. Suppose the freak lives for five months. That's an increase of salary of 100%. Either this family is extremely rich and the father throws his money out the window, or this is an old paragraph that you haven't looked at properly.

Chapter 2

The walls were covered in light green tiles and the floor was layered with such an assortment of mismatched towels that the colors were overwhelming.

Why was the ground littered with towels? If the house was the biggest house the freak had ever seen, I assume it is a mansion. And if so, then there should be more than one maid, meaning that there should be no mess.

Elsa pushed the freak in, kicked away the towels, and turned on the bathwater. “Take off your clothes and get in. I’m going to shave your head.”

As someone before me said, this was a bit too abrupt.

And it took hours. By the time Elsa was done with all the scrubbing and shaving and bandaging, her fingers felt like raisins. She rubbed her hands together while Elsa wrapped a fluffy pink towel around her shoulders.

So. It took hours for the drive to the mansion (but it was still light enough to see the blue sky), and it took hours in the bath (but not long enough for it to be dinner immediately). Time in this novel seems to run weirdly. Also the way this was written made me think that Elsa's fingers were like raisins, and Elsa rubbed her hands together whilst putting on a fluffy pink towel. And this scene also seems too cut short. Did the freak enjoy the bath? Was it her first bath? Was she entranced by the bubble bath?

When Elsa came back, she was carrying an armful of colorful clothes that was so tall that her head barely poked out of them. She dropped the clothes drop. “Here. Wear this,” she said, shoving a yellow lacey dress in the freak’s face.

I found this odd. She returns with a whole heap of clothing, and then immediately just chose one dress for the freak to wear.

She took out a moldy mouldy green hat, wiped it on her apron, and handed it to the freak.

I can't imagine green and yellow looked very nice together. And where would a mouldy hat come from? Why would the maid give the freak a mouldy hat after she spent hours cleaning and shaving the freak's head?

Also, when Sarah meets the freak for the first time, she doesn't say anything about the freak's lack of hair. Unless that is a common hair style for women in your story?

“Yes, Miss.” The freak wished her voice were stronger. “I’m sorry,” she added, curtseying again.

Which makes me wonder how the freak could help take care of children from the previous place she lived in. The kids would have trodden all over her, kicked her in the face and spat at her and the freak would have curtsied and whispered that she was sorry.

The freak blushed and curtseyed anyway.

lol, I don't know if you were trying to make the freak absolutely cringe-worthy, but you have :P

He looked down and sighed. “I am very busy now, daughter. Why are you here?”

Earlier he guessed that she was there to try and get rid of the freak. Why would he, a man who appears so sure of himself only moments later, second guess himself?

The freak choked and turned to Sarah’s father, watching his face carefully.

Seems a bit contradictory.

He didn’t look up and Sarah paused strangely before going to the desk.

Are you sure that you meant Sarah paused strangely?

“The freak. Your maidservant, as you call her. Point it at the freak’s chest, straight at her heart, and shoot. Do not point it at the freak’s head as that method is too messy. It may kill instantly, but I don’t want the rugs to be stained with too much blood. The servants will complain; besides the rugs were expensive.”

First, another contradiction. Earlier he didn't care about money, now the rugs are expensive. Two, the heart is the organ that aerates the blood - shooting it would sever the aorta and the vena cava, resulting in a fantastic spray of blood. The freak would leak blood on the rugs regardless, as she fell to the floor and it would be a while before anyone would move her.

The sound was loud; the freak could hear her ears ringing and not much else.

Do you mean, "she could hear ringing in her ears and not much else."?

The couch had a new deep hole in it, dust particles dancing in the air around it. Sarah’s father looked at it with a frown. “Pity, I liked that couch.”


Chapter 3

“I’m sorry about what I said back there. I didn’t realize who you were.”

Did you mean "who", or "what"?

“So you’re a freak,” she said. “That’s why you couldn’t give me your name. You don’t have one.”

Here would be a good place to tell the readers why freaks don't get names.

“My father!” She stood up angrily and twisted her hands. “Of course he would call me that! He wants to ruin it. He’s ruined everything else. I hate him!” She turned to the freak viciously.


Sarah ignored her. “Do you want a name?”
“That’s illegal.”

The thing about names seems to be a never ending loop.

Sarah snorted. “So what have you been genetically modified to do? Can you swim underwater without breathing? Light yourself on fire without burning? Fly?”
The freak looked around the room nervously. “I can crochet.”

lol :P

The freak opened her mouth, confused, but before she could speak, Sarah quickly said, “I know, it sounds like I’m being judgmental judgemental, but it’s not that! It’s not just his looks! It’s the circumstances around the whole matter—they seem fishy. When my father made the arrangement, my mother wasn’t consulted and she didn’t learn about it until everything legal had been signed. It doesn’t make sense.”

Speaking of Sarah's mother, where is she?

“What does he want?” the freak asked.


The freak hesitated. But before she could say anything, Elsa came in the room, carrying a bowl of porridge. The freak jumped up and curtseyed. Elsa ignored her.
“Dinner is ready, Miss Sarah,” she said, shifting the bowl in her hands. “Your father is waiting.”

At first I thought you had made a mistake - porridge for Sarah's dinner? But then you clarified. It makes me wonder why the servants would be given different meals though. Wouldn't going to the extra effort of cooking something bland for the freak outweigh the cost of giving her some decent servants food?

The freak stared at her food. “Will I be sent away?”
Elsa flinched at these words. “No. Never.” Elsa stood up and rubbed her hair.

What is this, "sent away" business? Sent away where? Back to the factory to be reset? I realize you're probably going to explain it a bit later somehow, but it's a tad annoying knowing nothing about anything.

Then, in a kinder voice, she added, “Don’t bother yourself about Sarah. She’s not worth it.”
The freak frowned and nodded before sitting down. She began to eat.

Not worth what? Why would the freak be bothered?

- - - - - - - - -

So :D That took a while.

Things I didn't like
- the repetition of "the freak"
- the way everything is so mysterious and we, the reader, know nothing
- the inconsistencies of the maid and the father
- the lack of descriptive paragraphs
- how time seems to travel so fast, and yet nothing is happening
- not knowing what Sarah or the freak look like

Things I did like
- the storyline/plot. I'm really interesting in seeing what happens next.
- the way none of the characters are likeable. I hate them all :3 That's a good thing and a bad thing. If I begin to hate them too much, I'm going to drop the story like a hot potato. However, I keep reading because the characters disgust me so much.
- the setting. It's so remote. And yet there seem to be people in many of the rooms.
- the way you describe things when you decide to do so

You've taken on a very difficult task. Your main character is not only small, (ugly?) and a freak, but she's retarded (as in slow), she is basically worth less than a slave and she accepts this life as what is normal. I feel like hitting her :3 Your other main female character is bossy, up herself and obnoxious, betrothed to a rich man with much power. Her father has no name and no consistent character.

And yet... And yet you've managed to make it all work in such a way that many people are enthralled by your work, and some in awe. You've got plenty of writing talent, and I'd love to see this revised in a way that removes all contradictions and makes it far more lively. Was the scene where Sarah is shown to be obnoxious necessary? Could her father had called her down to meet the freak after her bath? I don't know, I'm just trying to think of a way that these three chapters can be shortened/merged into one, or two. Chapter One = a very descriptive drive etc to the mansion. Chapter Two = the bath, the gun scene and the dinner (or lack thereof in Sarah's case).

Hope I have helped :) I enjoyed reading it, and in the end, I only concentrated so hard on finding mistakes/conflicts because I knew that's what you wanted, because you want this to be a flawless manuscript.

- Jai

PS, my exam went kinda well :P I forgot Atwood's Mechanics, so I lost 5 points there (gaaaarrr, the formula just eluded me at the time), but I hope I receive at least 10% out of 40% :P
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Fri Oct 29, 2010 12:46 am
Dragonet says...



Where did I stop you ask? I didn't stop at all, I read all of it, and that my dear is amazing. Considering that I didn't even plan to read any of it at all. I was busy and was just going to glance over it, but you got me hooked. You're an amazing writer, that's all I can say.

PS. I especially like the way you described the house.
I'm a JESUS FREAK!!!

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Thu Apr 21, 2011 7:27 am
Alexwriter says...



You asked where I stopped reading? Well.... I didn't! I'm pretty damn hooked on this :D
Plus i love the title FREAK (as a Freak, I can completely respect that)
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Sun Jun 26, 2011 12:26 am
Razcoon says...



I'm going to be completely honest here. It bored me at first, but it managed to catch my interest a little later on. I read this because it was recommended to me, by Ellie, actually. I have to agree with everyone who said it was repetitive and tell-y. I have a very hard time, personally, reading (or writing) things that aren't show-y enough.

Your idea is fantastic, but I didn't enjoy it as much as I think I could have. I enjoyed reading the idea, but I didn't have a clear enough picture in my head. Add more imagery if you want this to be easier to read and comprehend.

The main question that's sticking in my brain right now is...What's a freak? I hope to find that out in later chapters. Happy writing!

>>Annie<<
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Sun Dec 18, 2011 11:52 am
noninjaes says...



I've been hearing about this story for ages now. I have been wanting to read it, but had never gotten around to it. So when I do finally start reading it, I find that only the first three chapters are up because the story is in the process of being edited. I read all of it. The chapters have really pulled me in. Can't wait to read the rest.
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I was promis'd on a time, To have a reason for my rhyme: From that time unto this season, I receiv'd nor rhyme nor reason.
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