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FREAK



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Thu Feb 25, 2010 8:26 pm
GryphonFledgling says...



Snoink wrote:Would you like having a firm picture of what the freak looks like for the beginning, and, if so, what sorts of descriptions of the body are you looking for?


I was a little frustrated at times not knowing what she looks like, but I don't know if it's necessary right now. As is, we are horrified enough at the situation. Maybe let things get a little further before really talking about how she looks? Make the impact all the greater? Sort of like hiding the villain in shadow until the great reveal?

It would be nice to get some description somewhere along the line though.

~GryphonFledgling
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Thu Feb 25, 2010 9:22 pm
Elinor says...



Snoink wrote:Eli>> I just rewrote a large chunk of Chapter 4 last night at an awfully late time and I would like to sit on it for a while before posting what is probably awful writing. So no FREAK for a while.


:cry:

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Thu Feb 25, 2010 10:34 pm
Firestarter says...



I remember when I first read FREAK years ago, and disliked the first few chapters, and it turned me away from the whole thing.

You seem to have really tightened your prose, and it's much more enjoyable now. Chapter 3 is a particular delight. Not sure I'm the biggest fan of Chapter 1 but the sections are so short these three are pretty much one together, and overall you have an easily readable style.

Can't wait to see it in print, one day :)
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Thu Feb 25, 2010 11:01 pm
Explosive_Pen says...



Hi Snoink!
I read it all the way through, and I loved it. I'm not a big sci-fi fan, but I do find myself wanting to read more. I like your characters; there's something intriguingly vulnerable about the freak, and that you give very few details about her former life makes me curious.
I agree with Gryphon. You were very straightforward with this, and I like that. No fluff, no beating around the bush, just story.
I have one nitpick though.
The freak glanced nervously at the door. The headmistress had promised to be back soon, but that had been fifteen minutes ago and she still hadn’t returned. From the room, she could hear the headmistress yelling at the little ones in the kitchen. They had tried to steal some food, but the headmistress had caught them. They would be sent away.

You say headmistress three times in three sentences. We know you're referring to the headmistress - you can call her "she."

I want more!
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Thu Feb 25, 2010 11:10 pm
Snoink says...



Karsten>> *freaks out*

No, but seriously, thank you. I thought you were only answering my question... I didn't realize that you didn't have any critique! It's highly flattering. :)

Grphyon>> Haha, all right! Your wish shall be granted... I think. There isn't really a description that goes, "She looks like this and this" so that's not going to happen, but there will be more (passing) descriptions of her later on. Or something! XD

Jacke>> Eek! I'm glad you liked the style! I cleaned it up a lot, especially when I found out my novel was too big for most agents to consider. At first, my artistic sense was offended, but now I think it's more elegant. So it works out.

I'm not a fan of chapter 1 either, actually. It's better than it was, but it was fairly awful before, so that's not saying much. There's something off about it to me and I never could quite put my finger on it. Could you tell me what you didn't like, in particular? I'm still brainstorming ways to revise it. :)
Ubi caritas est vera, Deus ibi est.

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Fri Feb 26, 2010 12:25 am
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CelticaNoir says...



Snoink, this was great. I read through the whole thing, and I liked it very, very much. The characters are pretty dynamic, and even if we don't really know much about the freak, she's very interesting. I liked that. :D Could you possibly send me a mail when you're done with the next part?

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Fri Feb 26, 2010 2:26 am
Snoink says...



Eek, Pen, I didn't see you up there! Thanks for the nit-pick! That paragraph is awkwardly written. I'll rewrite it soon! :) Hmm... Intriguingly vulnerable? Interesting description of her! I don't think you really get to learn the story of her former life that much, but hopefully that won't be a problem. ^_^

Leza>> Haha, yeah, poor freak! She doesn't really get to say much, does she? It's kind of amusing for me that you think she's interesting without knowing much about her. Maybe that's the interest? ;) Mailing is kind of awkward for me, but just keep on checking. I might alter the title if I update.
Ubi caritas est vera, Deus ibi est.

"The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Master calls the butterfly." ~ Richard Bach

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Fri Feb 26, 2010 2:51 am
Jiggity says...



I stopped a little ways into Chapter Two.

Chapter One bored me. Not bored me, actually, irritated is a better word. Mostly it was because of the interaction between the headmistress and the freak. There would be a line of dialogue and then a brief reaction. " " - The freak stared back. " " The freak's eyes widened. " " The freak sat down. " " The freak turned, alarmed. " " The freak shut her mouth. " " The freak quieted.

On and on and on and on. Well and truly irritating. The repetitiveness of it grated and it felt clunky to me because it was so rigidly set as dialogue/physical-reaction-no-matter-how-minute/dialogue. So, for me, a lot of those actions didn't feel natural. Why not just scrap the first chapter? It's very blegh. Start the manuscript from:

Behind her was the house, a peeling, two-story monster that she had lived in for all her life. It was surrounded by a rusty barbwire fence.


I think that's a much better starting point, although you don't need to change it the way I did there. Just a suggestion.

The car was much too ugly for to be his, she knew that


Also picked that up and one or two similar things here and there. It's good writing; I'm sure my own tiredness (I just woke up) had something to do with my stopping so early. Good luck with it.
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Fri Feb 26, 2010 3:21 am
Snoink says...



Ooooh... good idea, Jiggly! I'll play around with it. Thanks! :D
Ubi caritas est vera, Deus ibi est.

"The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Master calls the butterfly." ~ Richard Bach

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Fri Feb 26, 2010 12:31 pm
Nutty says...



Hey snoink ^^
Interesting idea, I haven't read a subclass story in a while. I don't really have a real picture of what 'freaks' are yet. I guess that's because it's only the first three chapters. >.>
The first chapter was probably my least favourite. Nothing stood out, it was all pretty much on the same level. It didn't really make me think "wow", which I know you are very capable of doing. Though the fact I had no idea what freak was made me curious, I must admit. I think that alone would be enough for me to keep reading. (I read the whole thing, by the way)
The second chapter was better, and freak's perspective was interesting. I didn't get much off her emotionally, but I think this is on purpose?
The one thing that bothered me was the fact that she showed very little surprise or curiousity about the car. After twenty years of sitting in a house, you would think she would show more interest/fear/curiousity about car rides and the outside world than she does. It's not until she has... trouble opening the door? that it even is apparent that cars are not familiar.

The third chapter is probably the best, though I still get no real emotional impact off what should or would be a scary, exciting or at least unfamiliar experience. Apart from her prancing and stammering, there is very little life from the freak. Nor did I find much tension in the ending scene, was there supposed to be?

Iunno. The story is promising, the idea is great, but the character doesn't do anything for me. >.>
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Fri Feb 26, 2010 1:01 pm
Lava says...



I'm not sure if a firm intro would be better, but I do think, as Jiggsy said, you should try playing with chapter 1.
~
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Fri Feb 26, 2010 3:59 pm
Pretty Crazy says...



You made me overcook my Kraft Dinner. :(
But seriously, I could not stop reading this! Read the whole thing.
I love the setting in it and the flow of the writing. However, I wish you would clear up a few basic things. Like where is this at and what time in history? Earth or another world? And what exactly does the freak look like? I had a really hard time picturing her.
Well, that's all from me.

So reading the next chapters.
~ Crazy :P
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Fri Feb 26, 2010 7:08 pm
EmmaJane says...



Where did you stop reading?

I didn't. I read it all. Stopping was an unbearable thought. C: Even if you had posted loads of chapters I doubt I would have stopped reading it.

Please get it published! And make sure it gets published in the UK too. ;)

I pictured her as medium height, with ash blonde hair -tied up, but with lots of loose curly bits at the front, like in some period dramas. I don't know why I picture this, I just do.

I felt "the freak" got a little bit repetitive in the scene with the headmistress. But that's just a small thing, lost in my desperate need to read more! Please post more!

~Emma
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Fri Feb 26, 2010 7:11 pm
Stori says...



Hey Snoink! You'll be glad to know I read the whole post.

Ok, instead of quoting the passage directly, I'll just point some things out.

First of all. When you describe the freak, it's unclear whether the
colors she can see are her clothes or her actual skin tone. I realize it's
a bad mirror, but still.

Second. The gentleman suddenly calls Sarah "Sadie." I was mentally
scratching my head and thinking "Who is Sadie?"

I liked how you described the "purple room." It shows how
the freak is only used to seeing the color in a bad light:
"the purple of a healing bruise" or "the dark color of a black eye."
*gives points*

The last thing I want to say is, please give the freak a name. At least
in her own mind.





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Fri Feb 26, 2010 10:19 pm
asxz says...



Okay, so I've already read Chapter 1, and I just want to stop there to say: EMOTION! You need to have more emotion in your writing! There's such little... I dunno... Omph! It kinda sounds like I'm reading a dialogue, or a playwrite. I get why you've done this - to make the headmistress seem stern and the freak seem like a worthless posession, but I just don't picture this in my mind's eye. It needs more description, like describe what's going on inside the freak when the headmistress tells her 'you're hideous'. Does she recoil at the words, or has she heard them so many times that it's almost like her name?

Also, it feels kinda tell-ish to me at the moment. Like, your begining paragraph/ few paraghraphs. They just say that she's the oldest and she's been sold. Does she feel happy about that? She just says that she's not meant to be sild. Would she rather die than continue to live like a freak?

In chapter 2, you've put: Beyond the fence there was a row rundown apartments. Just add 'of' in there.

You've also said:
The air that came from inside was cold and as soon as it touched her skin, goose bumps erupted all over her arms. She backed away, hoping to get away from the cold when she saw a man inside, blinking out at the sun. When he saw her necklace, he frowned. “Well? Aren’t you coming?”

I would change some of this, becuase goose bumbs don't erupt all over your skin, they come slowly. They don't just... apppear, which is what I get from this. Also, The guy's blinking at the sun. A minute ago, there was no sun and she was staring up at cloudy skies.

Chapter 3 finished. it wasn't that long, actually. i didn't mind reading it all, ut I wouldn't buy the book. still, there isn't enough emotion. Try adding more feeling to the freak in chapters one and two. She's leaving the only place that she's ever lived her entire life. Is she sad? Happy? Terrified? And the headmistrass... she seems... Well, she's telling us everything. I thought she didn't care about the freaks - why would she say: 'You know being sent away is a fate worse than death?" and stuff like that. Have the freak be happy when the father doesn't want to send her away, orr have her react in some way. Now... she doesn't do anything. I know she's supposed to be dumba nd looked down upon, but doesn't she feel for her rights? Doesn't she think that it's unfair?

Well, that's me done. I suppose I want to know what happens, but I still wouldn;t buy the book. Sorry if i was harsh.
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