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Bloody Angel: Prologue



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Thu Jul 14, 2005 7:11 am
astrogemini says...



Here's my story:

It was happening again...the dream...

I remember, it was a dark day, the darkest anyone had seen in a while. It was unusual even for this place. Only the worst dogs of men and those with dark dealings were out, making this dark day grim. Shadows were the only thing you could see, and only because of special lighting. Sure you could see a shadow or two moving occasionally, but you couldn’t see two feet in front of you, not very reassuring in this quadrant. And the heat, it was almost unbearable, so in the occasional beam of light I was sure I stuck out like a sore thumb sporting my cloak and hunting gear. It wasn’t yet noon, but it was already far past one-hundred degrees. As the sweat dripped I attempted to keep moving as if it were a cool sixty. If I looked confident then I had already won half the war. I don’t know what made me think those jeans, an undershirt, a black flawless zip-up with a vamp collar, and a mess of weapons was a good idea; but then again when you go hunting you don’t think about those things. I was sure to wear my black lenses too, sure they looked good, but they also kept them from seeing my eyes. As long as I kept those, on even with all this goofy gear, nobody would spot me.

Already there was a sliver of smoke. And there it was, the prize. It only took one shot to take it down. After that it was only a matter of a few kicks to the groin and a little bit of bloodshed before I was willing to listen to what he had to say. He tried saying something before I was ready, but I kicked him in the head and wiped the blood from my lips.

“Okay Lu, what the fuck is up,” I said, “oh and do be nice, I’m not having a good day.”

The poor thing was so scared I felt like killing him on the spot, but this wasn’t a pleasure run, I had a job to do. The crooked little creature stood up to his feet and spit on me.

“Always a pleasure Luvius,” I said.

At about the same time I pulled the beast to my chest, and said, “You know I really am enjoying this.”

“He…he’s looking for you, oh for the love of god, please stop,” Luvius whispered in a frightened voice.

To tell the truth the thought of that alien scum begging for his life made it all the more pleasurable.

“You, old friend, are coming with me,” I said in his ear, and added fear and excitement by licking the blood off of the tip of it.

I took him up to the top of the Magda Building, my current haunt, and negotiated with Lu. By the time we were finished he was squirming on the ground trying to crawl away. I just walked toward him slowly and as he moved closer to the ledge so did I.

“Oh, god, don’t kill me,” Lu screamed in a voice that demanded applause.

Then I finally saw what I wanted to see, the dumb ass jumped over the side. What I wasn’t expecting is that he’d sprout wings and fly off; I mean Lu could do a lot of things, but that was a new trick.

“Oh shit,” the words escaped my mouth before I had time to think.

I started in a dead bolt to my room; it was about three floors down. There was Lu…dead on my carpet, in my room. Provoking suicide was one thing; committing murder was another. Then another thought rushed through my mind, who or what was responsible.

It was then when I met the man who scared me beyond shitless. Count Scalisi. I don’t know what he did, and I don’t think I want to know, but he’s the reason that I was in that coma for the last two years. They said they found me bleeding on the carpet, and I was going through violent convulsions, and the look they said they never forgot it; it was like I had seen the devil, whatever that meant. I don’t remember what else happened on that day, just the sound of rain. And for a while that was the only sound I could remember. I don’t have most of my memories, so I don’t understand how I became such a sadistic bastard, but I’ve long since changed…
Last edited by astrogemini on Tue Aug 23, 2005 6:50 am, edited 3 times in total.
"If you were a ham...I would bake you."
  





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Mon Jul 18, 2005 4:41 pm
Rei says...



First of all, you need to divide the paragraphs properly. It's a real eyestrain when reading big clumps like this on the computer.

Second, you need a new way of opening it. Just saying that it was a dark day doesn't hook the readers interest.
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Tue Aug 23, 2005 6:51 am
astrogemini says...



Obviously my prologue was put together weird, so now that I have a few seconds, I'm repairing it...I think.

I'm trying anyways.
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Tue Aug 23, 2005 8:39 am
Ego says...



I like it.....

might wanna clarify for the reader what a "black flawless zip-up with a vamp collar" is
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Wed Aug 24, 2005 8:56 pm
astrogemini says...



The vamp collar is a short turtleneck only the zipper goes all the way up, so that when you unzip the...zip-up...it splits in two.

And a zip up is just a sweater with a zipper.

The flawless part comes from a lack of adjectives on hand when I wrote it.

I think that about sums it up.

Any more questions?
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Wed Aug 24, 2005 11:51 pm
Griffinkeeper says...



I don't think this is a proper prologue.

Prologues are normally done in third person and in past tense. This one made a big no no by switching between past and present tense. It also didn't describe the setting or any real background information.

Remember prologues aren't a direct part of the story, they are simply an introduction to the plot.
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Thu Aug 25, 2005 12:12 am
astrogemini says...



Maybe it should be an introduction instead.
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Sun Nov 06, 2011 2:19 am
Audrey718 says...



Well. It's okay. It doesn't have enough description for my taste. It only tells you whats happening. I can't imagine what's happening. I'm not in your character's shoes. And talking about characters, I want to know more about him (I think it's a male). It's a good start but it needs a lot of work if your looking to make this a book or novel.
And finally, you lost my attention a few times. You didn't hook me. The detail isn't great enough; and the character needs more development.
Audrey
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