Young Writers Society

My *counts* third attempt at a Sci-Fi. This is actually a knock-off from my first one. I do need a name so if you have any, I'm open to suggestions.
Prologue
January 23, 2950 1400h Earth, Milky Way Galaxy

The sun glared down from the sky as large crowd grew in front of the rocket that would take the first people from Earth to beyond our solar system. The year was 2950 and Earth was finally ready to search for life in other galaxies. Once the crowd grew to it’s full capacity and larger, did the famous men and women who would make this journey walk up onto the stage and they filled up twenty seats at the back of the stage. A single man walked up to the front of the stage and stared out into the audience. In a loud booming voice that sounded over the crowd and in every home on Earth, he said, “People of Earth, today marks a special occasion,” he took a short pause for emphasis and continued, “we are going to travel beyond our solar system.” The crowd erupted into a cheer that was deafening to hear. Once the crows settled down the man continued. “A group of twenty, brave astronauts have been selected for this perilous mission. They all have skills needed to achieve success. There are biologists, archeologists, doctors, engineers, and many more.”

“May I formally introduce you to these brave men and women.” He walked over to the twenty men and women. “William Hartman,” a young man in his twenties stood up as his name was called. His hair was as black as the blackness of space, but his eyes were blue as the seas on Earth. “He will Captain this fine and beautiful ship behind us: Earth Embassy.”

When the announcer moved on to the next person, William sat down and stared at the booming crowd. He couldn’t help but to smile. He was on a mission that would change the world. He and his crew of nineteen were off on years of discovery. They were about to put the first person to Pluto to shame.

Um. This could use quite a bit more description.

What did the crowd look like? Were there multiple nationalities there?

Did Willam look confident, annoyed, eager, what? Try answering those questions first.

Some of the remarks are for style. Others are for added or needed clarity. These remarks are in braces.

Prologue
{}
January 23, 2950{;} 1400{ }h{ours;} Earth, Milky Way Galaxy {The added stuff in this journal entry part is just for style and added clarity.}

The sun glared down from the sky{.} {A} large crowd grew in front of the rocket. {The craft} would {be} the first to leave our solar system{ – to leave Earth}. Earth was finally ready to search for life in other galaxies. Once the crowd {stretched beyond the launchpad perimeter}, the famous men and women who would make this journey walk{ed} onto the stage and filled {the} twenty seats at the back of the stage. A single man walked up to the stage{'s} center and stared out into the audience.
{Start a paragraph.}
{His} loud booming voice sounded over the crowd and in every home on Earth {How the heck is he being heard “in every home on Earth?” Is he being recorded and broadcasted globally? You didn't say so.} saying, “People of Earth, today marks a special occasion.”
{Start a paragraph.}
{H}e took a short pause for emphasis and continued, “{W}e are going to travel beyond our solar system{!}”
{Start a paragraph.}
{A deafening} cheer {shook the ground}.
{Start a paragraph.}
Once the crow{d}s settled{,} the man continued{,} “A group of twenty, brave astronauts have been selected for this perilous mission. They all have skills needed to achieve success. The{s}e are biologists, archeologists, doctors, engineers, and more. May I formally introduce {them to you}.” {The “May I formally introduce” is awkward. Is he looking for an apploss? Is actually asking for permission?}
{Start a paragraph.}
He walked over to the twenty men and women.
{He introduced the first one, causing the young man to stand, “William Hartman.} He will captain this fine and beautiful ship, Earth Embassy.”

{As} the announcer moved on to the next person, {the space-black haired, sea-blue eyed captain in his early/mid/late twenties took his seat. Mr. Hartman looked out over the enthralled crowd, unable to contain his smile. He and his crew of nineteen were about to put the first Pluto landing to shame.}

{As you can see, I've changed/added quite a bit. This can become really great, but you need to work on description (as Kyte has said). I'll be happy to check it out when you've looked it over a few more times. Thanks!}

Hello!

I think this is too short. The reader doesn't get a feel of the atmosphere or connect with any of the characters--you have twenty to work on and the only character you did name wasn't much use since you described him, we know he's captain, but how did he get to the top? He seems quite young to captain a ship, let alone a crew of nineteen.

There are a lot of other questions the reader would like answered so make sure you write the first chapter before posting =]

Myth

Hey, Ash. Let's see what I can do for you.

Whisper pointed out a lot of things I would have, so this may not seem as big as it sometimes is.

A group of twenty, brave astronauts have been selected for this perilous mission. They all have skills needed to achieve success. There are biologists, archeologists, doctors, engineers, and many more.”

This seems a bit blunt of a speech. I'm assuming the man speaking is a politician or someone of greater authority? One with experience in giving speeches? Make it sound a bit more formal.

Twenty out of [insert number here] nominated astronauts have been chosen for this perilous journey, possessing leadership, respect, knowledge, experience, and more that qualify them specifically for this mission. Biologists, archaeologists, doctors, engineers, and other scientists will bring their knowledge together to make this mission successful. Here, ladies and gentlemen, are the twenty chosen men and women who will leave this planet for the stars above! The ending is a bit lame, I think...you get the idea, though?

He walked over to the twenty men and women. “William Hartman,” a young man in his twenties stood up as his name was called. His hair was as black as the blackness of space, but his eyes were blue as the seas on Earth.

Was the guy speaking in a mic by a podium? That's how I pictured him, which means he can't introduce the man while he shakes his hand. He has to say the name into the mic before leaving the podium.

"William Harman has been selected to captain the Earth Embassy," the man continued. "Congratulations, Mr. Harman!" A round of applause broke from the audience as the man stood up to acknowledge his presence. His bright eyes, as blue as the Earthen oceans, sparkled from behind his space-black hair like stars in the sky. I'm getting a little carried away, lol.

They were about to put the first person to Pluto to shame.

They were going to put [insert name], the first man to visit Pluto, to shame. Or something like that.

Some of what Whisper said is very important, so make those changes as well. Otherwise, I think you're doing fine. I think 20 is a pretty big crew to send to space, but this is in 2900, so I won't say anything on that, lol.

I had no problems with your introducing the characters. In fact, you only introduced one, even though I don't know much about him. You're doing fine considering the character development.

I will agree that it's a bit short and I don't know what's happening quite yet, but it's only the prologue so I don't expect any conflicts to come out. I only know they're being sent into space.

I'm actually interested in what you have going on here, no matter what you think. Sci-fi is hard to write, though, considering it's all about the technology and scientific discoveries, blah, blah, blah. I love reading it when written well, and space is one of my interests. I love reading/watching about space.

Not much to say, except I'd like to know if that speaker's the president or something, since we probably won't see him again. I'll need more to actually say if this really has potential. At the moment, though, it does. Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!