z

Young Writers Society


Hellfire chapter 3



User avatar
31 Reviews



Gender: Male
Points: 315
Reviews: 31
Thu Jan 19, 2012 9:58 pm
scifyfantacywriter01 says...



"The second comer"

"No" he says without any other words.

"Why can’t I?" I ask back.

"My road is a dangerous one. I'm not putting you in danger." he says crossing his arms.

"I don't care. I'm sick of this life. All I've been is a little girl. When my parents died I had to take care of myself and Chris. I can take care of myself." I reply. He lets out a sigh and puts his hands on the back of his head.

"...Alright. But you have to do everything I say to the letter. Alright?" he says with frustration.

"Alright, that sounds fair." I reply. "So where are we going?" I ask.

"We're going to the other villages to free them. I've already set Sectors A and C free. After this one, we'll head to D and we should be able to find out where the Dictatorship is from there. It's the only Sector that has communication with it." he explains. He starts to walk up the street to the right of the center building.

“Where are you going?” I ask him. He doesn’t respond. I chase after him and get to his side. “I asked where are you going?” I say to him.

“I’m going to the Guard Station. I need weapons. You should go home and pack some things we’ll need. Food, water, those sort of thing, and you’ll need clothes. So get to it.” He says without stopping or even looking at me. I nod in agreement and head back down the street and to my building. I get there and the lobby is packed with people, getting their stuff and getting out. I swerve through the crowed and make it to the stairs. They are just as crowed as the lobby.

I finally make it up to my apartment. Once inside, I go to the closet and grab all the clothes I can hold. I drop them on the bed and get a trash bag from the kitchen. I stuff the clothes in and then go back for another load. After I have all my clothes, something catches my eye, the picture that hangs over the bed. I walk over to it and lift it from the wall. My mother, her golden hair blowing in the wind on top of our apartment, my father holding me on his shoulders when I was only four, and my brother, just a baby, cradled in my mother’s arms.

I unlatch the back and slip the picture out. It’s the only thing I have of them all. I’m now all alone. No brother, no mother, no father, just me. I press the picture to my chest as my eyes start to tear up. After a second I pull myself together. I fold the picture down the middle and slip it into my pocket. I go back to the kitchen and open the small refrigerator but nothing is in it. I go to the cabinets and they are the same.Chris ment what he said. We didn't have any food. My hate for the Dictatorship resurfaced but I pushed it back down to concentrate on what I was doing. I go back to the bed and sling the bag over my shoulder and head out back into the hall.

The hall is so packed I have to carry my bag in my arms. Everyone is either carrying something filled with items or trying to get back to their apartment so they can. After about fifteen minutes I make it to the lobby and back to the street. I then decide to pay Mrs. Magwells and visit. I get to her shop and it is bare as a bone. I hear something in the back room and Mrs. Magwells comes out with a box in her hands. “Rebecca! What are you doing here?” she asks with astonishment.

“I was hoping you had some medicine you could spare. I’m going with Lion- I mean, the Stranger. He’s letting me travel with him.” I explain.

“Rebecca, that boy is going to free the World. Are you sure you want to travel with him?” she asks with a confused look.

“Yes. He said I couldn’t at first but he changed his mind, after I insisted.” I say with a smile.

“Alright, I have some antibiotics and some other things that should help.” She says putting the box down and going to the back. She disappears for a moment and then comes back with a bag of pill bottles, tubes of ointment, and other things. “Everything in here should prove useful. Most of it’s for burns, injuries, and other things like that. He should know how to use it I suppose.” She says handing it to me.

“Thank you. Even a little helps.” I say with a smile. She walks over and hugs me.

“I’m so sorry about Chris, Rebecca. I really am.” It was the first time I actually thought about Chris since we left our apartment. I put my arms around her and start to cry. I didn’t even mean to, but it was almost automatic. After a minute I finally let go and wipe away the tears. “You be safe alright.” She says lifting my chin with her hand.

“Ok.” I answer her. She goes back and lifts her box and I hold the door open for her. She starts off for the river and I head for the Guard Station. Right when I get to the opening of the street, Lionheart appears with four, large, metal boxes stacked on his shoulders. I stare at him as he walks up with them. They must weigh at least fifty pounds each. He bends down and lays them at my feet.

“So, are there any cars we can use here?” he asks looking at me like he was somewhat annoyed. I point over to the Death van. He picks the boxes up again and heads for the van and I follow. When we reach the van, he goes to the back. "Open the doors would ya?" he says putting the boxes on the ground. I open the doors and he starts to load the boxes in two at a time. I throw my bag in and step back as he closes the doors. He walks to one side of the van and opens the door, nodding his head for me to get in. I do as he implies and he gets in behind the wheel.

"So, where do we go from here?" I ask him bulking the belt around me. He pulls a key from his pocket and puts it in the ignition. With a turn the van comes to slow purr, he lets his foot on one of the peddles and it starts to move.

"We're heading west to the next village. It's used as a repair station for the Dictatorship's aircrafts. We'll need it to get to D and we'll need a lot of weapons. Thank goodness they have plenty." Lionheart says going up the street on the other side of the center building.

"How do you know they have a lot of weapons?" I ask. He doesn't answer me as we approach some of the debris from his encounter with the Wolves and Hawks. When we finally get past the rubble, he says,

"Where the function of the village is repairing aircrafts, the villagers have to have a lot of tools. Tools that can do a lot of damage if used as weapons. So in case some villagers get brave, the Guards have to have better weapons and plenty of them." he explains. "Not to mention if some of them try to take an aircraft, they'll need big guns to shoot it down."

We drive for about an hour in total silence. Lionheart is obviously the strong silent type, but there's something else. I look at him and I see this dark secrecy in his eyes. Then I find myself just staring at him. Those glowing green eyes, his brown hair that hangs down just above his eyebrows, and his silky, light skin that sends shivers through me. I snap myself back to reality after a moment. What would a guy like him want to do with a girl like me, I think to myself. I'm nowhere near pretty enough for him. I'm only sixteen, I don't have much curves on me, my face at most is decent, and I don't even want to talk about my chest.

We soon draw to the West side of the fence. "Stay here." Lionheart says getting out of the van. He goes to the back and I hear him open one of the boxes from the back. He shuts it and then closes the door and goes up to the fence. I see he has something in his hand but I can't see what it is. He reaches the fence and then lifts up the object. It unfolds like a switchblade then on one side a straight line of blue pulses down the length of the device. He then jumps up to the top of the fence and brings the device down on it. As he comes down, the device cuts through the fence leaving a hot line of red. When he reaches the ground, he walks down the fence a little ways and does the same a second time. When he finishes the part he cut falls down flat in front of the van. He folds the device back up and slides it into his pants and returns to the van.

"What is that thing?" I ask him when he opens the door.

"It's a Lightning Cutter. It's like an electric saw. They use them to cut steel plates but they keep some at the Stations in case a someone locks themselves in their cells thinking they can't be executed or something." he says driving over the fence.

We get over the fence when he brings the van to a complete stop. He then looks at me with a serious look. "Alright, this is your last chance. If you want to change your mind, now's the time do it. You don't have to come with me and no one will think bad of you for doing so." he says keeping his gaze.

"No. I'm staying. The Dictatorship killed my brother and I won't let anyone else feel the pain I do now. Plus, you can't fight the World alone, no matter how strong you are. Someone's got to watch your back." I say matching his seriousness. He stares at me for a moment before going back to the wheel and letting out a sigh.

"And I thought I was stubborn." he says putting his foot back on the peddle. I let out a laugh.

"Lionheart, how old are you?" I say without thinking. I freeze for a moment. I meant to say I was a more then he'd ever be but that wasn't what came out.

"I'm seventeen. Why do you ask." he says not thinking much of it. I calm down and think of a reason.

"It's just, you look in your mid-twenties. Are you really just seventeen?" I let my mind ease when I realize what he just said. He's only seventeen. Yes! I might have a shot with him after all! I let out a breath of happiness, trying not to make it obvious as we pass through the now empty and forgotten part of the city.
When people think of beauty, they think of bright colors, purity, or goodness. When I think of beauty, I think of the darkness. Beauty has a dark side, and I like it. Light is pretty but darkness is passionate, sinister, and sexy as hell.
  





User avatar
739 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 32546
Reviews: 739
Sat Jan 28, 2012 4:46 pm
xXTheBlackSheepXx says...



Back for chap 3 :)

"No" he says without any other words.
"Why can’t I?" I ask back.
"My road is a dangerous one. I'm not putting you in danger." he says crossing his arms.
"I don't care. I'm sick of this life. All I've been is a little girl. When my parents died I had to take care of myself and Chris. I can take care of myself." I reply. He lets out a sigh and puts his hands on the back of his head.
"...Alright. But you have to do everything I say to the letter. Alright?" he says with frustration.
"Alright, that sounds fair." I reply. "So where are we going?" I ask.


Alrighty, This definitely needs to be revised somehow. The best word I have to describe it is 'cliche'.

Girl: Take me with you!
Boy: Absolutely not.
Girl: (whines) But I'm so sick of being treated like a kid! I can take care of myself just fine!
Boy:... alright. But you better do whatever I tell you, OK?
Girl: (yay!)

It's just not realistic. If this guy was actually concerned about her safety, no matter of persuasion would've kept him from changing his mind. I certainly wouldn't blame him for deciding not to drag along some random girl while he goes and beats monsters up. She'd definitely be more of a burden than anything. Plus she'd bound to be mentally unstable after the death of her brother.

Try to find a way to make the girl persuade him better, have her say something besides 'I'm not a little girl and I can take care of myself.'


"So, where do we go from here?" I ask him bulking the belt around me.
buckling
We drive for about an hour in total silence. Lionheart is obviously the strong silent type, but there's something else. I look at him and I see this dark secrecy in his eyes. Then I find myself just staring at him. Those glowing green eyes, his brown hair that hangs down just above his eyebrows, and his silky, light skin that sends shivers through me. I snap myself back to reality after a moment. What would a guy like him want to do with a girl like me, I think to myself. I'm nowhere near pretty enough for him. I'm only sixteen, I don't have much curves on me, my face at most is decent, and I don't even want to talk about my chest.


I didn't like this paragraph at all. Girls don't just start getting shivers through them because a guy is good looking. Her maturity feels like that of a 12 or 13 year old girl, the way her thought process is. Thinking things like 'how could he possibly want me around if I'm not pretty' or feeling insecure about her lack of curves. It just isn't realistic for a 16 year old. I don't mean to say she can't be mesmerized by his good looks, but the way she thinks is just really immature.
"It's just, you look in your mid-twenties. Are you really just seventeen?" I let my mind ease when I realize what he just said. He's only seventeen. Yes! I might have a shot with him after all! I let out a breath of happiness, trying not to make it obvious as we pass through the now empty and forgotten part of the city.


Again, her thought process doesn't make sense to me, for many reasons. First, only a few paragraphs ago, she was talking like 'oh, why would he ever want me to tag along, I'm so ugly and he's so pretty' and now she's like 'yes! I totally have a shot with him now!'. Do you see how that doesn't fit?

Second of all, how could she even think of dating right now when she watched her brother get killed not 24 hours ago. Isn't she even a little traumatized? Why is she only looking at Lionheart romantically, and not like a partner/friend? Doesn't she want to save the world together? From what I can see, the only reason she wants to be by his side is so that she can date him.

So, by biggest complaint is that I am simply not buying the Rebecca/Lionheart romance.

Besides that, this chapter was good. I liked the moment where she takes the picture of her family and puts it in her pocket, and I like the scene where she breaks down in front of Mrs. Magwells when she gets the medicine. Those went very well.

Sorry if I sounded a bit harsh this time around, but I do think there are some things that need to be fixed here x)
The bad news is we don't have any control.
The good news is we can't make any mistakes.
-Chuck Palahniuk
  





User avatar
31 Reviews



Gender: Male
Points: 315
Reviews: 31
Sat Jan 28, 2012 5:21 pm
scifyfantacywriter01 says...



ok i messed up. I'm not a girl ok :P I dont know how you think. but thanks anyway. I'll just have to come up with something better.
When people think of beauty, they think of bright colors, purity, or goodness. When I think of beauty, I think of the darkness. Beauty has a dark side, and I like it. Light is pretty but darkness is passionate, sinister, and sexy as hell.
  








Powerful men have a way of avoiding consequences.
— Dr. Harrison Wells, The Flash