Young Writers Society

Chapter 1
I walked into the school gates. Being the new kid was never easy. I walked past all the cheerleaders. Oh what I would do to be popular. If you’re in ‘the group’ you’re the hottest thing around. I head to the office to get my time table.
I walked over to the counter. An old lady with grey hair walked over to me.
“What do you need?” She asked. She sounded mad and annoyed.
What’s her problem? What is with this school? Are all the teachers like this?
“I’m new”
“Name?” She asked
“Cleo Mililani” She gave me my timetable and I rushed to my first class.
I walked into my English class. The room was a mustardy kind of yellow and posters of books and documentaries hung on the wall. I sat in one of the seats at the back next to some guy. He was kind of shocked when I sat next to him but didn’t say anything about it.
Mr Williams walked in and started the class.
He was writing on the board about different camera angles when someone knocked on the classroom door. He walked over to the door and opened it.
“You’re late Spencer. Why is that?”
Spencer looked gorge. He had blonde sandy hair and the bluest eyes ever.
Spencer gave his explanation.
“Babe, sit here” A girl said moving her bag off the chair.
Of course a guy like him is into a girl like her. She’s perfect in every way.
While I was in my day dream I didn’t notice that I had bumped the guy next to me.
“I’m so sorry” I said moving my arm closer to myself
The guy sitting next to me looked up. I have to say he was cute to. His crystal blue eyes hidden under his black hair.
I looked over to see if I had done anything to his work.
“Wow that’s beautiful” I said looking at the picture that he had drawn.
“Umm thanks” He said
That’s the first time I have heard him speak. His deep but soft voice made my stomach get all fluttery.
“My names Cleo” I said holding out my hand
He smiled “Zeke” He shook my hand and we got back to our work.
After class I made my way to a shady grass hill next to the math class rooms. I opened my bag and pulled out my lunch. I started eating my apple when someone sat next to me.
“You must be the new girl Cleo” The girl pointed out. “I’m Chloe Lynette”
I smiled “Umm hi”
“Do you mind if I sit with you?” She asked
“No not at all” She sat down and we started to talk about random things like what school I came from and if I had any brothers or sisters. I’m an only child.
I zoned out while she was talking about her fishing trip with her dad. My eyes wondered to the little bench next to the art classrooms. Zeke sat there sketching in his art book.
“I’ll be back” I said walking over to Zeke
I sat down on the bench next to him. I took a quick look at the picture he had just drawn. It was a picture of a guy moving the small peaces of hair out of the lady’s face. It was beautiful.
“Why are you sitting here by yourself?” I asked finally taking my eyes away from the picture.
“No one likes me” He said looking up to me “And I would rather be by myself”
“Why?”
“It’s better than being hurt” With that he picked up his stuff and walked away.
I walked back over to Chloe.
“Why were you talking to that weird kid, Zeke?” Chloe asked
I don’t know what everyone’s problem is. To me he seems really nice and he looks attractive. What’s so different about him that makes people think he’s weird?







Chapter 2
It’s Saturday and Chloe thought it would be a great idea for us to dress up and go to the mall. I got changed into my black skinny jeans and white singlet. It wasn’t fancy, but all we were doing was going to the shops. Chloe walked out of the bathroom wearing a very, very short flowered dress. To me it looked pretty but I don’t think it’s the sort of thing to wear down the street.
“Ready to go?” Chloe asked
“Yep” I grabbed my hand bag from off my bed and walked out of my bedroom, shutting the door behind me.
When we arrived to the mall Chloe ran straight to a shop. I didn’t even know what it was called. I followed her. The shop was bright pink and it sold skimpy little bits of material that you had to try to cover yourself with.
“Umm…. I’ll be back” I told Chloe as I walked out of the store.
I rounded to corner and found a store that looked like something I would be into. I walked in and boy was I right. The walls were jet black and neon lights hung on the walls. I walked over to a rack and started searching. I picked out a pair of black studded short shorts and three new tops.
I walked over to the counter to pay for my clothes.
“That will be……” I casher started to say something but stopped
I looked up and saw it was Zeke. I smiled
“I never knew you work here” I pointed out
“Well I never knew you liked these sought of clothes, you seem like the type of person to you know..” He said sounding shocked
I laughed “I guess you don’t know me that well”
After we finished talking I payed for my things and walked out of the shop.
I found Chloe on a seat next to donut king talking to that Spencer guy and his friends. I walked over to them and took a seat next to Chloe.
“Hey babe” One of Spencers friends said to me.
I gave him a half smile and looked to Mary.
“So do you ladies want to come to a party tonight?” Spencer asked
“Yes” Chloe and I said at once
“Cool, can’t wait to see you there” Spencer said winking at me.
Spencer and his friends walked off and Chloe and I left to get ready for the party.
~~~
I walked out of my bathroom with ripped skinny jeans and a ‘black veil brides’ t-shirt on.
“You can’t wear that to the party” Chloe said.
Chloe invited me over to her house so we could get ready together.
“But I like it” I said looking down to see what was wrong with it
“Yer and I think my pjs are comfortable but I don’t wear them down the street” We both laughed
“But I serious you can’t wear that” Chloe said walking over to her closet.
She came back out with a black, short, tight dress. It was pretty but it looked like a dress for a 6 year old.
“Put it on” She demanded
She gave me the dress and I walked into the bathroom and put on the dress. I looked like slut and if I bent down to pick something up my ass would show.
After I finished trying to pull my dress down so you couldn’t see my ass I walked out. Chloe looked at me and smiled
“Ok let’s go” She said dragging me to the taxi outside.
We told the taxi driver the address. I felt uncomfortable, most because of the dress being too short but also because taxi driver was being a perve.
The taxi driver pulled up out the front of the house. I paid for the taxi and tried to get out of the cab without my dress showing anything.
“Awesome you made it” Spencer greeted us.
He handed us both a beer and walked off.








Chapter 3
This is the first time I have tried beer and can I say I f*cking hate it. How can anyone drink this shit. I walked over to the bin and chucked my cup into it. I walked around the corner and ran into Spencer.
“I was just about to look for you” He said nearly about to trip over.
“Need help?” I asked
He put his arm around my waist and we sat on the lounge. Spencer moved some of the hair out of my face and moved closer and closer to my lips. We started making out.
A girl walked over and pulled us apart. I looked up and noticed it was the same girl from English.
“Keep you slutty hands of my boyfriend” She said smashing her lips onto his.
I was shocked. No one has ever called me a slut before and he came onto me.
I got off the lounge and started to search for Chloe. I found her sucking face with one of the jocks.
“Chloe we got to go” I said dragging her to the door.
“CALL ME!” She yelled out to the guy.
~~~
The next day I decided to go for a walk. I walked to the park. I sat on one of the swings and started to think about what happened last night.
“What are you doing?”
I jumped and looked at the other swing.
“Zeke you scared me”
“Sorry” He said “So what are you doing?”
“Thinking”
“About?”
“About how annoying you are” I joked
“Why thank you” He smiled
I looked at the time.
“I better be going” I said
“I understand” He smiled and got of the swing
“I’ll see you at school?”
“Sure will”
“Can’t wait” I said smiling
I walked home, run right up to my room and jumped onto my bed. My phone started going off.
“Ellow?” I said answering the phone
“Hey” Chloe said on the other line
“Guess what me and Jake are dating now” She continued
“Jake is?”
“The guy I was making out with at the party, dah. Anyway do you like anyone?” She asked interested
“I think I might like someone”
“Oh my god, who?”
“I think I like Zeke” I said smiling
It was silent
“Chloe?”
“NO!”
“What?”
“You can’t date him, he’s a loser”
“But….”
“No buts ok, sorry I have to go”
I hung up the phone and thought about what I should do. I don’t think I can get over Zeke

_________________________________________
Not finished yet
Please tell me what you think
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Well hey there! I'm HockeyFan87 and I'm here to review your story!(: I am no expert so don't take anything I say to heart. If I offend you by anything I apologize. Since it is so long I am going to quote some stuff and then put my overall opinion at the bottom!(:

I walked into the school gates. Being the new kid was never easy.

Okay, so nothing wrong with this, but this hooked me because I just moved cross country this summer so I know what its like to be new. Anywhooo back to the review.

If you’re in ‘the group’ you’re the hottest thing around.

The only thing with this sentence is that she doesn't know this for sure since she is new, but I may just have noticed that since I was the new kid. It is hard to tell who is popular and who is not just by looks. Maybe have her make a reference to her old school and how it was like that?

I head to the office to get my time table.

is this her schedule?

“What do you need?” She asked. She sounded mad and annoyed.

try making this one sentence, like "she asked sounding mad and annoyed." it just makes it flow better

What’s her problem? What is with this school? Are all the teachers like this?

the what is with this school part got me. she is judging the whole place on just one lady. make her maybe be like "I hoped all the teachers weren't this way or it could be a long year"

“Cleo Mililani” She gave me my timetable and I rushed to my first class.

for my school at least they gave me my schedule before the first day and if it was her first day her mom/dad would probably go in with her.

Spencer looked gorge

normally unless it is dialogue you don't abreviate stuff because it can confuse the reader. you did mean gorgeous right? if not I am confused, haha

He had blonde sandy hair and the bluest eyes ever.

and the bluest eyes I had ever seen or bright blue eyes just like the sea. something like that. use the show not tell rule.

Spencer gave his explanation.

I would have Spencer say what it is. otherwise the reader is left wondering what it is.

“My names Cleo” I said holding out my hand

holding out a hand is formal. maybe have her do something else, I don't know many people that shook my hand the first day, they smile and introduced themselves but not a handshake. unless you want her to be the formal type.

He smiled “Zeke” He shook my hand and we got back to our work.

maybe phrase it ""Zeke," he said smiling as he shook my hand."

“No not at all” She sat down and we started to talk about random things like what school I came from and if I had any brothers or sisters. I’m an only child.

instead of just blatantly saying I'm an only child, maybe be like "and if I had any brothers or sisters. I informed her I was an only child.

“I’ll be back” I said walking over to Zeke

this is a pretty bold move, ditching her one and only friend for a guy in a class. Maybe have her ask Chloe about Zeke and then Chloe say I have to go or something.

“No one likes me” He said looking up to me “And I would rather be by myself”

few guys I know would say 'no one likes me' maybe I don't have anyone else to sit with?
So before I go on anymore, because you are probably getting mad at all my comments, I want to say I really like this story. I am not trying to be mean and if I am I am so super sorry.

“Why were you talking to that weird kid, Zeke?” Chloe asked

Chloe had seemed nice before and now she is turning. If you want her to be nice later on have her say it nicer if she is supposed to be a biotch then its perfect, haha(:
done with chapter one! Onto chapter two!(: Yay(:

It’s Saturday and Chloe thought it would be a great idea for us to dress up and go to the mall. I got changed into my black skinny jeans and white singlet. It wasn’t fancy, but all we were doing was going to the shops. Chloe walked out of the bathroom wearing a very, very short flowered dress. To me it looked pretty but I don’t think it’s the sort of thing to wear down the street.

this paragraph was really tell instead of show. you want to show the reader what is going on instead of telling them. I have trouble with this when I am writing but its easy to see. Just pretend you are Cleo and write what she sees not what you are telling us. I hope that made sense, sorry if it didn't

“Umm…. I’ll be back” I told Chloe as I walked out of the store.
I rounded to corner and found a store that looked like something I would be into. I walked in and boy was I right. The walls were jet black and neon lights hung on the walls. I walked over to a rack and started searching. I picked out a pair of black studded short shorts and three new tops.

I don't think you should have her blatantly ditch her maybe say, while you look for stuff I am going to go to a different store. I''ll be right back makes it sound like she is going to the rest room or going to make a call, not go shopping.

“I never knew you work here” I pointed out

hasn't she only talked to him twice? and she never said anything about work so of course she wouldn't know.
After we finished talking I payed for my things and walked out of the shop.
o

that Spencer guy

it sounds better if you just say Spencer

I gave him a half smile and looked to Mary.

who is Mary?

Chloe invited me over to her house so we could get ready together.

since invited is past tense it would sound better as "Chloe had invited me"

“Yer and I think my pjs are comfortable but I don’t wear them down the street” We both laughed

didn't Chloe just insult her? Why is she laughing?

It was pretty but it looked like a dress for a 6 year old.

does the size or the look of it remind you of a six year old?

She gave me the dress and I walked into the bathroom and put on the dress. I looked like slut and if I bent down to pick something up my ass would show.
After I finished trying to pull my dress down so you couldn’t see my ass I walked out. Chloe looked at me and smiled

all of a sudden she is swearing? she hasn't sworn this whole book and then suddenly BAM swearing. you see what I mean?

dress being too short but also because taxi driver was being a perve.

pervert not perve. the reader may not know the slang you are using and therefore not understand what is going on.

This is the first time I have tried beer and can I say I f*cking hate it. How can anyone drink this shit. I walked over to the bin and chucked my cup into it. I walked around the corner and ran into Spencer.

again with the swearing. she is just confusing me now. her character I mean.

“I was just about to look for you” He said nearly about to trip over.

trip over what? or do you mean fall over?

I hung up the phone and thought about what I should do. I don’t think I can get over Zeke

I think she is being a little melodramatic she has talked to this guy all of five minutes and can't get over him. it kinda makes me relate to her though.
Done!(: Okay, overall I really liked this story. Although just for future when you upload chapters do them one at a time otherwise people may not take the time to review it all. Yeah, I liked it though. Just work on the show not tell thing, its hard but it'll come. You're really talented and I look forward to reading more of this story. PM me when you post more, please(:

Hello there! It's Lydia here to review!

This was quite a long piece - in future you should really post one chapter per topic or it put's people off reviewing. But anyway I liked it, I'm going to do nit-picking first and then general comments. Also any comments I make here are just my opinion on how this can be improved you don't have to take them at all you can just completely ignore them if you like.

Chapter One Nit-Picking

I walked into the school gates.

I have to disagree with HockeyFan87 here. For me this opening line wasn't particularly inspiring. This is the first thing your reader is going to read of this novel so you want to hit them with something quirky something that hooks them in. I's suggest cutting this line completely and just launching in with your second line because that's a lot more interesting and people can relate to it!

I walked past all the cheerleaders. Oh what I would do to be popular. If you’re in ‘the group’ you’re the hottest thing around. I head to the office to get my time table.
I walked over to the counter. An old lady with grey hair walked over to me.
“What do you need?” She asked. She sounded mad and annoyed.
What’s her problem? What is with this school? Are all the teachers like this?

You seem to have a little bit of short sentence syndrome here! There are a few places where you could definitely elaborate in this paragraph and this would also help it to flow. For example the cheerleaders, we know you walked past them but we've no idea what they're like - a little sprinkle of description would liven that sentence up! Something like 'I walked past all the cheerleaders, they were sat in a group talking and laughing without a care in the world.'

“I’m new”
“Name?” She asked

Full stop after new and asked Or again some elaboration eg. She asked, without looking up.

He was writing on the board about different camera angles when someone knocked on the classroom door.

You said that she was in an English lesson? So why camera angles? And also would a student who's late really knock? Usually people just walk in.

“I’m so sorry” I said moving my arm closer to myself

Comma after sorry. You do in fact not put commas in after speech quite a lot, as a general rule if you're adding something onto the end of a line of dialogue like he said etc. That is still part of the sentence and you need a comma. 'Moving my arm closer to myself' doesn't really make sense maybe something like 'moving my arm away from his' would be better.

I have to say he was cute to.

Too not to

I looked over to see if I had done anything to his work.

'Done something' is a bit vague maybe you could say 'made him smudge' or 'wrecked' or something. And also you could add a justification on the end like 'ready to apologize' to give her more of a reason for looking over.

Zeke sat there sketching in his art book.
“I’ll be back” I said walking over to Zeke

'Walking over to him' would sound better in the second sentence as you've already mentioned his name.

“No one likes me” He said looking up to me

Looking up AT me And would anyone really admit that no one likes them? You could show that to the reader later on or even just before she walks over to him by simply having some other kids walk past him as she watches and laughing at him that tells us that no-one likes him without him having to say it.

I walked back over to Chloe.

That's a bit direct again there's room for a bit of description. 'I wondered back over to Chloe thinking hard about what Zeke had said' for example.

What’s so different about him that makes people think he’s weird?

I liked this, I thought it was a nice end to the Chapter.

Chapter One General

I thought that this chapter could be better. It is the opening chapter of the book and in this critical first chapter you need to introduce your MC's without giving everything away, introduce the setting and start introducing little snippets of the plot to come to keep a readers interest.
I thought that your main character Cleo needed a bit of fleshing out, we don't really know anything about her yet other than she wishes she could be popular and she's an only child - though we've no idea how she feels about being an only child. You can afford to give away a few more details. Zeke I thought was definitely more rounded and I liked the mystery you created with him I don't think you need to elaborate any further on him just yet! Then there was Chloe who makes just a brief appearance at the end of the chapter, if your going to do this you need to let her enter with a bang a real spark of character - later on her personality started to come out in other chapters but you can afford to bring that in more in the first chapter. Stephen makes such a brief appearance that we cannot gauge his character at all and if I'm perfectly honest I'd forgotten he even existed by the time he appeared again. With a bit of fleshing out though this has the potential to be a great chapter!
Don't forget to have a proof-read through and iron out any grammatical points - a few of which I pointed out for you!

I'm sorry but I don't have time to review the other two chapters right now! I'll be back though to do them later on.

For now,
Keep Writing!
Lydia

Hello there.

I see that Hockey Fan has pointed out quite a few things concerning the story, so I apologize in advance if I repeat some of it myself. I've read it fast just so I got an idea what she would talk about in hers, in order to make mine a little bit different, but I might be saying things she already pointed out.

I walked into the school gates and past the pack of cheerleaders that were talking by it. Being the new kid was never easy. Oh what I would do to be popular and like them, to fit in easily for once,, I thought irritably. . If you were in ‘the group’ you were the hottest thing around. I sighed and head to the office to get my time table.

So this is the first paragraph. I realize, just by looking at the first few sentences, what your style is, and that it has a little problem with the flow. You make very easy and simple sentences, which is great and good, but in this case, you might want to soften everything up. It's something easy to do, you'll see.
So you can see all the red parts I've added and I got rid of some periods to make the sentences blend together.

I quoted the whole thing from now on because I thought it might be easier to review. Corrections are in red and comments are in bold.

CourtneyDarling wrote:Chapter 1
I walked into the school gates. Being the new kid was never easy. I walked past all the cheerleaders. Oh what I would do to be popular. If you’re in ‘the group’ you’re the hottest thing around. I head to the office to get my time table.
I walked over to the counter. An old lady with grey hair walked over to me.
“What do you need?” She asked comma, sounding mad and annoyed.
What’s her problem? What is with this school? Are all the teachers like this?
It's a direct thought, therefore it should be in italics.
“I’m new”
“Name?” She asked period.
“Cleo Mililani period.” She gave me my timetable and I rushed to my first class.
I walked into my English class and instantly noticed the mustardy kind of yellow that covered the walls as well as posters of books and documentaries hung on the wall. I sat in one of the seats at the back next to some guy. He was kind of shocked when I sat next to him but didn’t say anything about it.
Mr Williams walked in and started the class.
He was writing on the board about different camera angles when someone knocked on the classroom door. He walked over to the door and opened it.
“You’re late Spencer. Why is that?”
Spencer looked gorgeous with his blonde sandy hair and the bluest eyes ever.
Spencer gave his explanation.
“Babe, sit here” A girl said comma, moving her bag off the chair.
Of course a guy like him was into a girl like her. She was perfect in every way.
While I was in my day dream I didn’t notice that I had bumped the guy next to me.
“I’m so sorry comma,” I said comma, moving my arm closer to myself period.
He looked up, looking me in the eyes for a few seconds. I have to say he was cute to. His crystal blue eyes hidden under his black hair. Right now, I'm trying to make it flow a little better at certain parts, so don't worry when I add bits... And of course, if you don't like what I put in, you don't have to use it, I'm just trying to give you ideas.
I looked over to see if I had done anything to his work.
“Wow that’s beautiful comma,” I said looking at the picture that he had drawn.
“Umm thanks comma,” he said
That’s the first time I have heard him speak. This sentence seems a little bit awkward since she has only been at this school for what, half an hour? It's not that surprising that she hasn't heard him talk yet. His deep but soft voice made my stomach get all fluttery.
“My name's Cleo comma,” I said comma, holding out my hand
He smiled comma, “Zeke period.” He shook my hand and we got back to our work.
After class comma, I made my way to a shady grass hill next to the math class rooms. I opened my bag and pulled out my lunch. I started eating my apple when someone sat next to me.
“You must be the new girl Cleo comma,” the girl pointed out. “I’m Chloe Lynette period.”
I smiled period. “Umm hi period.”
“Do you mind if I sit with you?” She asked period.
“No comma, not at all” She sat down and we started to talk about random things like what school I came from and if I had any brothers or sisters. I was an only child. It's always better to keep everything in past tense even though it could be in present because that is normally when people mess up and it confuses the readers.
I zoned out while she was talking about her fishing trip with her dad. My eyes wondered to the little bench next to the art classrooms. Zeke sat there comma, sketching in his art book.
“I’ll be back comma,” I said comma, walking over to Zeke
I sat down on the bench next to him while I took a quick look at the picture he had just drawn. It was a picture of a guy moving the small peaces of hair out of the lady’s face and it was beautiful.
“Why are you sitting here by yourself?” I asked comma, finally taking my eyes away from the picture.
“No one likes me comma,” he said comma, looking up to me “And I would rather be by myself period.”
“Why?”
“It’s better than being hurt period.” With that comma, he picked up his stuff and walked away.
I walked back over to Chloe.
“Why were you talking to that weird kid, Zeke?” Chloe asked period.
I didn't know what everyone’s problem was. To me he seemed really nice and he looked attractive. What was so different about him that make people think he was weird?







Chapter 2
It was Saturday and Chloe thought it would be a great idea for us to dress up and go to the mall. I got changed into my black skinny jeans and white singlet. It wasn’t fancy, but all we were doing was going to the shops. Chloe walked out of the bathroom wearing a very, very short flowered dress. To me it looked pretty but I don’t think it’s the sort of thing to wear down the street.
“Ready to go?” Chloe asked period.
“Yep period.” I grabbed my hand bag from off my bed and walked out of my bedroom, shutting the door behind me.
When we arrived to the mall comma, Chloe ran straight to a shop. I didn’t even know what it was called but I followed her anyways. The shop was bright pink and it sold skimpy little bits of material that you had to try to cover yourself with.
“Umm…. I’ll be back comma,” I told Chloe as I walked out of the store.
I rounded to corner and found a store that looked like something I would be into. I walked in and boy was I right. The walls were jet black and neon lights hung on the walls. I walked over to a rack and started searching. I picked out a pair of black studded short shorts and three new tops.
I walked over to the counter to pay for my clothes.
“That will be…” a cashier started to say comma, but stopped period.
I looked up and saw it was Zeke. I smiled
“I never knew you work here” I pointed out
“Well I never knew you liked these sought of clothes, you seem like the type of person to you know..” He said sounding shocked
I laughed “I guess you don’t know me that well” This whole conversation doesn't really make sense for me because they never really got to know each other, right? If they did, you might want to hint at that at the beginning of the chapter.
After we finished talking I payed for my things and walked out of the shop.
I found Chloe on a seat next to Donut King comma, talking to that Spencer guy and his friends. I walked over to them and took a seat next to Chloe.
“Hey babe comma,” one of Spencer's friends said to me.
I gave him a half smile and looked to Mary. Who's Mary?
“So do you ladies want to come to a party tonight?” Spencer asked period.
“Yes comma,” Chloe and I said at once period.
“Cool, can’t wait to see you there comma,” Spencer said comma, winking at me.
Spencer and his friends walked off and Chloe and I left to get ready for the party.
~~~
I walked out of my bathroom with ripped skinny jeans and a Black Veil Brides t-shirt on.
“You can’t wear that to the party comma,” Chloe said.
Chloe had invited me over to her house so we could get ready together.
“But I like it comma,” I said looking down to see what was wrong with it
“Yer and I think my pjs are comfortable but I don’t wear them down the street period.” We both laughed period.
“But I'm serious comma, you can’t wear that comma,” Chloe said comma, walking over to her closet.
She came back out with a black, short, tight dress. It was pretty but it looked like a dress for a 6 year old.
“Put it on comma,” She demanded period.
She gave me the dress and I walked into the bathroom and put it on. I looked like a slut and if I bent down to pick something up comma, my ass would show.
After I finished trying to pull my dress down so you couldn’t see my ass comma, I walked out. Chloe looked at me and smiled
“Ok let’s go comma,” she said comma, dragging me to the taxi outside.
We told the taxi driver the address. I felt uncomfortable, mostly because of the dress being too short but also because the taxi driver was being a pervert.
The taxi driver pulled up out the front of the house. I paid for it and tried to get out of the cab without my dress showing anything.
“Awesome comma, you made it comma,” Spencer greeted us.
He handed us both a beer and walked off.








Chapter 3
This was the first time I had tried beer and can I say I f*cking hated it. How can anyone drink this shit? I walked over to the bin and chucked my cup into it. I walked around the corner and ran into Spencer.
“I was just about to look for you comma,” he said comma, nearly about to trip over.
“Need help?” I asked period.
He put his arm around my waist and we sat on the couch. Spencer moved some of the hair out of my face and moved closer and closer to my lips. We started making out.
A girl walked over and pulled us apart. I looked up and noticed it was the same girl from English.
“Keep you slutty hands of my boyfriend” She said comma, smashing her lips onto his.
I was shocked. No one has ever called me a slut before and he came onto me.
I got off the couch and started to search for Chloe. I found her sucking face with one of the jocks.
“Chloe we got to go comma,” I said dragging her to the door.
“CALL ME!” She yelled out to the guy.
~~~
The next day I decided to go for a walk. I walked to the park. I sat on one of the swings and started to think about what happened last night.
“What are you doing?”
I jumped and looked at the other swing.
“Zeke you scared me period.”
“Sorry comma,” He said period. “So what are you doing?”
“Thinking period.”
“About?”
“About how annoying you are comma,” I joked Period.
“Why thank you period.” He smiled and I looked at the time.
“I better be going comma,” I said period.
“I understand period” He smiled and got of the swing
“I’ll see you at school?”
“Sure will period.”
“Can’t wait comma,” I said comma, smiling period.
I walked home, run right up to my room and jumped onto my bed. My phone started going off.
“Ellow?” I said comma, answering the phone
“Hey comma,” Chloe said on the other line period.
“Guess what ? Me and Jake are dating now comma,” She continued period.
“Jake is?”
“The guy I was making out with at the party, dah. Anyway do you like anyone?” She asked comma, interested period.
“I think I might like someone period.”
“Oh my god, who?”
“I think I like Zeke comma,” I said comma, smiling period.
It was silent on the other end of the line.
“Chloe?”
“NO!”
“What?”
“You can’t date him, he’s a loser period.”
“But…”
“No buts OK? Sorry comma, I have to go period.”
I hung up the phone and thought about what I should do. I don’t think I can get over Zeke period.

_________________________________________
Not finished yet
Please tell me what you think
I also wrote this on quizzaz so if you have a quizzaz please follow me
http://www.quizazz.com/25373606

Overall it's a great beginning. I love how we can already see the beginning of the plot, which is her choosing between the guy and the life.
I saw that you had a bit of problems concerning the punctuations, which doesn't seem like a big deal, only you forget it sometimes. You should try to make it it's there when you proof read it. Also, when there dialogue, normally there is a comma after the person's done talking when there's a specification on how the person in question said it or just the normal 'said', 'answered', responded' etc...
BUT, if the sentence that follows the dialogue is something about the character or the setting or an emotions or something of the sort, then there should be a period. For example, if I say: "Hi." I smiled at him. There's a period. But if I write: "Hi," I said, a smile making it's way onto my lips. There's a comma. It's basically the same, but it's not.

Also, please separate the three chapters so there's only one in a thread. Three in one thing is way to much.

Okay, so I think I covered it all! Keep on writing, I would love to read the next chapter.

-Other One