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An excerpt



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Fri Dec 16, 2011 7:31 pm
dolwright says...



She could remember vividly what happened. It was the second semester of high school. She was this new transfer student in class, reserved and quiet and very unlike her sister, randy, who was the school's head cheerleader. Audrey was kind of the high school geek queen. She didn't have time for parties or dates, she would always be found doing what she loved the most, reading. She was getting her A's in the academic department, but not in the boyfriend department.
Something happened one day during maths class that was the beginning of something new, the maths teacher, Miss Sanders had just finished handing out the previous test results, as usual she had an A. Miss Sanders looked around the class, a disappointing look on her face, and said, "I'm not at all impressed by your performances, some of you think maths class is a joke, that it's a class for the nerds, well, YOUR WRONG!, in order to rule and be cool you need to be smoking hot-"yeah,like randy", a guy from the fourth row remarked. Half the class started to giggle and to murmur. Miss Sanders smiled, 'No, like Albert, like Tom here and certainly like Audrey, the smart ones are the ones who rule...alright enough talk, I hope it's clear to you students that you can't graduate without passing my class, well this is the last semester for this class and because I don't wanna be stuck with you guys next year, I've decided, for those that didn't do well, with grades below C, we're going to find you tutors; your tutors will be students from this class". She reached for her desk and brought what seemed like a list on a piece of paper, "Alright guys, now listen up!...Robert Zann, your tutor will be Tom Wikins, Jeffrey, you'll be tutoring Timmy, and Aaron Petroli, your tutor will be....there was a long pause as she looked around the class, patrice, a slim blond girl in the third row, exclaimed in excitement,' miss sanders, let me, I'll tutor him'. 'yeah', said Aaron, 'tutor my ass'. The class giggled in amusement.
"Alright, silence class, Aaron, your tutor will be Audrey Raymonds".
Audrey froze on her seat,' God, how could this be?', She completely zoned out as Miss sanders finished calling the rest of the names.
Miss sanders then addressed the class, 'these set of people are to be your tutors for the next three weeks, tutors, this students are your responsibility, if any of them fails, your grades automatically drops, and to the rest of the class, if you don't want to repeat the class and see my face one more semester, you would make good use of this opportunity, that would be all for today, goodbye class'.

Foots shuffling, lockers opening and closing, Audrey's head felt empty for a while, and then she felt hungry, she was about to leave for the school restaurant when she saw Aaron walking past her, she ran towards him and said,'hi, so it looks like we're gonna be stuck together for the next three weeks, so what do you say, we meet at my place by 3? Aaron looked at her with a straight face and said, 'yeah whatever', then walked on.
At the school restaurant, Ben, her best friend, came to her table, and said, 'so how do you like your new partner'
"Like!", Audrey exclaimed, it's suicide, it's like alum water and vinegar, put together, a catastrophe!"
"Nah, don't get like that, it can't be that bad". Ben said, trying to console her.
"You don't get it, it's like this, he's the coolest dude in school and I'm more like the high school nerd, we're complete opposites"
Ben chuckled,'that thing about opposites attracting". She gave him a look that meant, 'don't even go there'.
He smiled and made to leave, but before leaving, said,' good luck, you and your partner'.
Audrey smiled, somehow she didn't care, she just wanted the three weeks to be fast and over.
Last edited by dolwright on Sun Dec 18, 2011 12:57 pm, edited 2 times in total.
'when I'm gone, my words will remain...
your word is a weapon, either of destruction or re-construction, whatever you make of it,
It's your choice.'
  





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Sat Dec 17, 2011 11:22 pm
ScarlettWinters says...



you are a really good writer. Your sentence structure is excellent and you have done a fine job of developing the story.although i did like the way your story was put together i thought it a little cliche so far. I think you could really have somthing if you took a spin on the average highschool drama and give it some spark. your a great writer keep up the awsome work. cant wait to see where this story goes.
  





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Sun Dec 18, 2011 4:11 am
dogs says...



"Alright, silence class,"

I find that this line sounds kinda odd coming from a teacher. Maybe "quiet class".

"like!, Audrey exclaimed, it's suicide, it's like alum water and vinegar, put together, a catastrophe!"

This is a little odd because you didn't put a " inbetween the ! and ,. So this should be written like:

"Like!", Audrey exclaimed, "it's suicide, it's like alum water and vinegar put together, a catastrophe!"

Alrighty so dogs here with your review today! This is a good piece and it has a very simple plot line so far with a slightly predictable ending of the plot line, I'm guessing that they are opposites and it is going to start off awkward and then end up in love. Yes very predictable, if thats not your plot line (which I sure hope it isn't) then thats excellent! You want your story to be un-predictable, as soon as the reader thinks they know whats going to happen your writing becomes boring. Anyways so the only other big nit pick I have is that you should talk about why Audrey doesn't really care about her love life and what she thinks of those women who are "all over" guys. That would add more depth to your character and make her a little more interesting to read.

Well thats all I really have to say, Keep up the good work!!!


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