Young Writers Society

Evenslily and I are co-writing this story. This is her Chapter!

Chapter 2

Marriage. What is it? I mean, what actually is it?

"it's a bounding life contract, that's what it is! Never will I ever give a man that kind of power over me" that was my best friend, Kylie. she's a little nuts, a feminist and a doctor in archaeology.

"I don't know Kylie... I think it's alright. Tell you what, you marry a rich man and divorce him in a couple of weeks and hey, you got yourself a pension... Like Kim Kardashian!" that amazing answer was from bubble brain Amanda, who enjoyed the simple things in life, such as being a secretary and drinking herself into oblivion.

"Amanda, don't encourage her! Listen, look at this from my point of view Sienna" that piece of heavenly advice was from non other than my bestie Hyewon, she was originally Korean but had lived in America half her life, she knew me, she still knows me. "you love Eddie, we all love Eddie and he's so good to you. Your young, your beautiful, everything will be okay, trust me" and I would, with my life.

"you look a bit in your own world sea... Are you sure your okay? You've been a bit distant all morning." asked Eddie sticking the last of the boxes in the back of our new shiny Volvo.
"no, I'm fine just thinking" Eddie slammed the car boot shut and had concern written on his geeky face, Eddie had huge glasses, shiny curly black hair and a loving smile. He walked over to me and held my hand in his.
"I know this is a bit rushed and I know that this wasn't exactly what you wanted but this will be great... you'll see"
"I just didn't think it would be so quick you know? I mean, we got back from our honeymoon yesterday"
"hello, Sienna! You think you can leave before saying goodbye?" my Grandma took the stairs leading down from the house one at a time, holding onto her walking stick she carefully smiled at me and and brought out her wrinkled hand for support. When I touched her hand, I felt the familiar warm feeling I always got when she touched me, my Grandma was the thing I would miss more than anything.
"I'll miss you Grandma" I said, folding my arms over her and taking her into an embrace.
"I'll miss you too Sienna. PAUL GET OUT HERE!" She shouted, my Grandpa merrily flew down the stairs and was holding something in his hands. He smiled as he took me into his arms, he fell back and looked at me for a moment.
"Your parents would be so proud" I remembered when he told me that as he walked me down the aisle with tear in his eye, i felt myself go red as I looked to my feet. I felt my Grandma thrust something into my hands, the something my Grandpa had been holding.
"Sea, I made you a carrot cake, oh! And remember to bake cookies when you first get into the house, that way when people come to welcome you, it will smell nice"
"Okay Grandma"
"Oh, and organize your time, you need to remember to make that schedule I showed you about unpacking, you need to paint too, and for heaven sake remember to wear your dungarees when painting! The last thing you need on top of moving and unpacking is more laundry!"
"Grandma" my grandpa and I both said at the same time, we made eye contact and laughed.
"Family hug?" he asked, my grandma , grandpa and I all put our arms around each other.
"I'll miss you baby" my grandma cooed.
"I'll miss you too"

***

Nearly the whole drive, we were silent as we dove further and further out of New Orleans and too Appledown Drive. Everywhere I looked I could feel my dreams of Broadway flying out the window, goodbye New York. Even the radio seemed to agree with me, when Rihanna's Desturbia came on, I swear she was saying suburbia instead.
"Sienna, you haven't said a thing" Eddie said in a worried voice.
"I'm just tired Ed, it's been a long day"
"It's only midday"
"Yes Edmund, I'm aware it's 12 o'clock" I snapped, I immediately regretted it. "I'm sorry Eddie"
"No, no, it's fine. It must have been bad saying goodbye to your family, while we're moving closer to mine"
"Eddie can we talk about something else?"
"Err, sure..."
The rest of the car journey didn't change, just small talk and uncomfortable silences.

***

When we reached, the suburban areas of Appleton I nearly had a heart attack. It looked like it was off the set of Desperate Housewives, how was I going to cope with this? The cocktail parties, the bitchiness, the cliques, it felt like high school all over again. My heart skipped a beat when we turned left and hit Appledown Drive, the whole street was lined with beautiful apple trees and it seemed the sun was hitting it in the ultimate way and the house's where huge.
"Wow Eddie" I gasped as we turned into a house with a SOLD sign. The house was shinning yellow, with a patio going all around the house and white shutters where covering the spotless windows. When I heard before my wedding day that Eddie had to chose the house on his own because I was going to be doing the final night of the play, I had no idea he would chose a house like this one. As I got out of my seat and opened the car door, the new car smell was gone and the whole air seemed to smell of sweet apples, what was it with this town and apples? As I stood there I heard Eddie laugh.
"I prayed you'd like it"
"Oh Eddie, I love it!"
"I'm so happy" I hugged Eddie and I started to feel the slightest bit better.

This novel, I'm telling you now, has serious potential. It's easy to follow, and fun to read. These are the qualities to a future book hit. The only thing, though, is your grammer and capitalization mistakes. In one part, 2 sentences in a row wern't capitlized. When it comes to serious writing, you always have to be careful to make sure to do that to impress your reader with good grammer, capitalization, and great verall story. Keep on writing, you have poential!

This was good, pretty powerful writing, but I would be careful of TV series references, especially if you want to reach wider audiences. There was not enough visual input for me to form a clear picture of everything and the descriptions were very dry.

The grammar was mostly correct, but do some research on writing in direct speech, because you often left out key punctuation, capitalisation etc. Good work on the development of the story - a gradual slope which works well with this type of work. I have no complaints about the characters, plot or anything else. This work is brimming with unreleased potential energy - take care how you use it

Keep writing!

Hi TheWritersDream Evenslily, so this is a good piece, but like TaylorTheGreat said it has lots of grammar problems. I am going to quote the whole piece and review as I go so I can help you fix those problems.

Marriage. What is it? I mean, what actually is it?

"It's a bounding life contract; that's what it is! Never will I ever give a man that kind of power over me!" That was my best friend, Kylie. She's a little nuts, a feminist, and a doctor in archaeology.

"I don't know Kylie... I think it's alright. Tell you what, you marry a rich man and divorce him in a couple of weeks and hey, you got yourself a pension... Like Kim Kardashian!" That amazing answer was from bubble brain Amanda, who enjoyed the simple things in life, such as being a secretary and drinking herself into oblivion.

"Amanda, don't encourage her! Listen, look at this from my point of view Sienna." That piece of heavenly advice was from non other than my bestie Hyewon; she was originally Korean but had lived in America half her life. She knew me; she still knows me. "You love Eddie; we all love Eddie, and he's so good to you. Your young, your beautiful, everything will be okay, trust me" and I would, with my life. Should be: You're young and beautiful; everything will be okay. Trust me." I would, with my life.

Okay right here I feel like you are coming back from a flash back or something, maybe? I am confused about that. I think maybe you need to make it a bit more obvious. Was she remembering saying good bye to her friends and now Eddie talking to her has brought her back?

Also, I don't really like your method of introducing her friends here. First you have to ask yourself if these characters need to be introduced this in-depth at all, because she is moving after all. Also, if you are going to introduce them so many at once isn't the best way to go about it. This is too much information about them all at once. I won't be able to remember any of them. Introduce one at a time and make it a way where we will be able to remember them because they effect the main character in a big way. For example you could do a shared memory or something and we would remember how that person had effected the main character.

"You look a bit in your own world sea... Are you sure you're okay? You've been a bit distant all morning." asked Eddie sticking the last of the boxes in the back of our new shiny Volvo.

"No, I'm fine, just thinking." Eddie slammed the car boot shut and had Replace this with a comma to make the sentence flow better. concern written on his geeky face. Eddie had huge glasses, shiny, curly, black hair, and a loving smile. He walked over to me and held my hand in his.

"I know this is a bit rushed, and I know that this wasn't exactly what you wanted, but this will be great... You'll see"

"I just didn't think it would be so quick, you know? I mean, we got back from our honeymoon yesterday."

"Hello, Sienna! You think you can leave before saying goodbye?" My Grandma took the stairs leading down from the house one at a time, holding onto her walking stick she carefully smiled at me and and repeated word brought out her wrinkled hand for support. Should be: My Grandma took the stairs leading down from the house one at a time. Holding onto her walking stick, she carefully smiled at me, and brought out her wrinkled hand for support. When I touched her hand, I felt the familiar, warm feeling I always got when she touched me; my Grandma was the thing I would miss more than anything. I would say: my Grand ma was the person/ friend/ family member I would miss more than anything. 'Thing' just seems a bit to cold and unfeeling. It almost compares the Grandma to an object like a TV!

"I'll miss you Grandma." I said, folding my arms over her and taking her into an embrace.

"I'll miss you too Sienna. PAUL GET OUT HERE!" She shouted; my Grandpa merrily flew down the stairs and was holding something in his hands. He smiled as he took me into his arms; he fell back and looked at me for a moment.

"Your parents would be so proud!" I remembered when he told me that as he walked me down the aisle with tear in his eye, I felt myself go red as I looked to my feet. I felt You say 'I felt' too many times too close together. my Grandma thrust something into my hands, the something my Grandpa had been holding. This is repeating yourself; we already know that he had been holding it.

"Sea, I made you a carrot cake, oh! And remember to bake cookies when you first get into the house, that way when people come to welcome you, it will smell nice"

"Okay Grandma"

"Oh, and organize your time; you need to remember to make that schedule I showed you about unpacking. You need to paint too, and for heaven sake, remember to wear your dungarees when painting! The last thing you need, on top of moving and unpacking, is more laundry!"

"Grandma," my grandpa and I both said at the same time; we made eye contact and laughed.

"Family hug?" he asked, my grandma. Grandpa and I all put our arms around each other.

"I'll miss you baby." My grandma cooed.

"I'll miss you too."

During the whole scene above Eddie sort of disappeared. Where is he? Wasn't he with her just a moment ago? It is just a thought. I also thought your description of Eddie was a bit rushed. His character seems a bit 'blah' so far. Give him some spice. Have him make a silly comment. Make his language match his character. Is he from the South? Make him use slang. Does he have a weird sense of humor? Make him come to life!

I got a bit confused in this scene about who was talking. Maybe you can add some tags. Simple 'he said' and 'he said' phrases should work, but if you do too many they can get a bit boring. Try to use more creative ones like this site provides: List of words instead of Said

***

Nearly the whole drive, we were silent as we dove further and further out of New Orleans and too Should be 'to'. Appledown Drive. Everywhere I looked I could feel my dreams of Broadway flying out the window, goodbye New York. Even the radio seemed to agree with me; when Rihanna's Desturbia came on, I swear she was saying suburbia instead.

Farther refers to length or distance. It is the comparative form of the word far when referring to distance.

Further means "to a greater degree," "additional," or "additionally." It refers to time or amount. It is the comparative form of the word far when meaning "much."

So, where I highlighted 'further and further' in blue above you really want 'farther and farther'.

"Sienna, you haven't said a thing." Eddie said in a worried voice.

"I'm just tired Ed, it's been a long day."

"It's only midday."

"Yes Edmund, I'm aware it's 12 o'clock," I snapped; I immediately regretted it. "I'm sorry Eddie"

"No, no, it's fine. It must have been bad saying goodbye to your family, while we're moving closer to mine."

"Eddie, can we talk about something else?"

"Err, sure..."

The rest of the car journey didn't change, it was just small talk and uncomfortable silences.

***

When we reached, take this comma out. the suburban areas of Appleton, Add a comma here instead. I nearly had a heart attack. It looked like it was off the set of Desperate Housewives. How was I going to cope with this? The cocktail parties, the bitchiness, the cliques, it felt like high school all over again. My heart skipped a beat when we turned left and hit Appledown Drive; the whole street was lined with beautiful apple trees, and it seemed the sun was hitting it in the ultimate way. Plus, the house's where huge.

"Wow Eddie," I gasped as we turned into a house with a SOLD sign. The house was shinning yellow, with a patio going all around the house and white shutters were covering the spotless windows. When I heard before my wedding day that Eddie had to chose the house on his own because I was going to be doing the final night of the play, I had no idea he would chose a house like this one. As I got out of my seat and opened the car door, the new car smell was gone and the whole air seemed to smell of sweet apples. What was it with this town and apples? As I stood there I heard Eddie laugh.

"I prayed you'd like it."

"Oh Eddie, I love it!"

"I'm so happy." I hugged Eddie, and I started to feel the slightest bit better.

In this last scene I wished you would give more description of what your main character is thinking and feeling. You said that she thought the new town was like the show 'Desperate Housewives'. Explain why she thinks that. Go into more depth!

Well, I hope I helped! You need to work on your grammar and drawing out the originality of your characters. I thought this would alright, but it could be improved! Personally I liked chapter one better, but that is just my opinion. I love how you guys are working together on this! I think it has novel potential!

Feel free to P.M. me.

Thanks a bunch,

Calli