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Heal. (Chapter Three)



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Fri Aug 20, 2010 10:14 am
thegirlandthepen says...



Three

The Gardeners were a fairly young couple in their late thirties, they said they had always wanted children but Mrs. Gardener had always preferred them to be ‘ready made’. I was their first test subject, and they liked what they saw so far. They were both pretty house proud, everything was ideally immaculate. White or cream walls, white or cream carpets or laminate. No shoes in the house, no feet on the table, no mugs without coasters. That kind of thing, except that they were pretty nice, and average. They didn’t know about my ‘problem past’ Sue said she’d wiped the slate clean, said I deserved a fresh start. I deserved to graduate from High School, at the same High School.

Mrs. Magda Gardener was pretty, at least I thought so. She was the prettiest Foster Mom I’d ever encountered. Her hair was a honey blonde not un-similar to mine, quite alike that I thought about lying about being fostered, only for a second. I’d only ever lie about one thing, and I felt guilty about that enough. She always wore a full face of make up, not the slapped on kind mind, but her eyes were always fanned out with spidery lashes, and her lips were always a shocking pink. She always wore pearls, and she always wore bright colours. Mr. Peter Gardener, was a little different. He was slightly balding already, and his charcoal hair had silvery grey highlights running through, his watery blue eyes were warm, I could tell he was kind. When he smiled his eyes wrinkled in the corners, he certainly looked a little more weathered than she did, but they weren’t exactly an unattractive couple. I felt a little icky about making this distinction about my new foster parents. Moving on, he didn’t say much, Magda did most of the talking for him. But he told me that he really was thrilled to have me here, and I believed him. He was still at work when I got back.

After the usual how was your day, did you make any friends, did you meet anyone nice. The truth was, yes. I made a few friends in some of my classes, I sat next to a very over excitable girl in Chemistry, she said her name was Mindy, and she had long black hair and a brace. I became partners with a pretty, Asian looking girl called Sophie in Theatre Studies, and of course I met Sam. My first day had been a little too perfect, something was bound to go wrong. I made my excuses after dinner and retired to my room, I still had a few things to unpack, I wanted to line up my ‘Entertainment collection’ i.e. Movies in genre order, CD’s in alphabetical order if I could be bothered and Books in whatever order I felt like. In honor of my strange collision this morning, I put on some old Smiths music whilst I organised. I couldn’t tell whether I was pleased about how my day went or just enjoying sorting out my things, either way I felt strangely content and settled.

I hadn’t even realised that I’d took a little nap on the floor halfway through putting my books away, I wiped the drool from my mouth and rubbed my eyes. It was midnight, great. This means I won’t be able to go back to sleep properly now, I changed into some old pyjamas I’d brought along from the last foster home I’d been in. Which was just one for all the kids waiting to be ‘rescued’. Mrs. Gardener had kindly bought me a stack of new clothes she thought I’d like, but I had completely ignored them, feeling a little wary about her generosity, I wasn’t used to it. I decided to go down for a little midnight snack. The other Gardeners were sleeping, Mr. G rose at the crack of dawn to hit the gym before going straight to work, and Mrs. G was a lady of leisure. She didn’t need to work because he did, so she rose whenever she wanted and pottered around the house, probably having some kind of a leisurely lunch with her perfectly manicured friends. I took extra care in creeping down the pristine staircase - not a speck of dust to be found here - and tiptoed through the hall right into the big country style kitchen. My stomach rumbled before I’d even grasped the handle on the fridge.

This neighbourhood was quiet, possibly one of the quietest I’ve ever lived in. I remembered a house I spent a few weeks with years ago when I was ‘inbetween families’ which is basically when someone fosters you temporarily for like a week or so until they find you somewhere more permanent. It was in this ghetto neighbourhood. There were parties going on all over the street, fights breaking out. It was entertaining to say the least, I spent most nights hanging out of my window watching what was going on.

I was loading the dishwasher with a bowl I’d just eaten cereal out of, when I froze, rooted to the spot. I felt something. Not physically just, a sense. A feeling, of something. I was scared, but I wanted to find out what it was, and where it was. It was like, something bad was happening, or going to happen. And I wanted to find out what.

I grabbed Mrs. G’s long and expensive looking French style Mac from the coat stand next to the backdoor - the kind that the old detectives in old black and white movies used to wear - and slid the French doors open slowly, as quietly as I could. I didn’t even bother with slippers, it was a cool night. But something told me I’d need a coat, maybe not just for warmth. The back garden was huge, but it also has a gate that leads right out into the front and into the street. There was something telling me it was down, further down. At the bottom of the garden I’d find it, I thought.

The grass was wet with condensation, I skipped across, hoping I didn’t stand in any animal poop. The Gardeners didn’t believe in pets, the thought of all that excess fur and the smell probably gave Mrs. G nightmares, I made a mental note not to ask for a puppy for Christmas.

At the bottom of the garden was a very small lake, it ran out past all the other houses, it looked deep but it was narrow. Right on the bank was a small black bundle, I couldn’t make out what. I was wishing now that I’d brought out a torch, or maybe my cell phone to light the way. I almost tripped and jumped into the river after realising I’d stepped on a twig, it was almost as painful as stepping on a plug, I shoved my fist into my mouth to stem my cries, I cursed quietly instead, and made my way over to the bundle.

The bundle happened to be a black and white cat, it was perfectly still, but mewing ever so quietly. When I touched it, I felt something warm and wet.

Blood.

Then I remembered the feeling of danger was not unfamiliar, I had felt it before. I took off the coat, and done something very stupid. I picked up the cat and wrapped it in the mac, as best as I could, like a blanket. There would be blood all over Mrs. G’s coat, but I didn’t care. I felt like it needed to be done, and now. Surely she’d understand, I was pretty sure Mr. G would just buy her another one. Once I’d covered it all up and left his head out to peak, I carried it back into the house, cradled in my arms like a baby. I took extra care in not stepping on any twigs or stray branches this time, I think my feet would have thanked me for it.

Carefully back inside I could take a proper look at this poor kitten, it was in the in between stages of a cat and a kitten, I suppose what you’d call a feline teenager. I laid her on my lap on the couch, and began to unwrap the coat. There was a lot of blood alright, this cat had been in a fight of some sort. Whatever had got to it - maybe another cat or perhaps something bigger - had took a sizeable chunk of its ear out with it. The cat meowed like it was in pain, maybe it was hungry. I moved her over gently onto the couch, keeping it protected by the mac, not like the coat was salvageable now, I suppose you could have it dry cleaned. I knew there wouldn’t be any kibble, so I poured out some milk into a saucer instead. I thought about waking the Gardeners’ up, this cat needed medical attention, a vet could deal with this. I didn’t know what I was doing.

The cat was sitting now, on all fours, the scratches looked a lot better, that was odd. But she was mostly covered in blood so I couldn’t see them properly. She lapped up the milk gratefully, and I tickled her back gently. I didn’t want to think about things much.

“Well I can’t keep calling you it all the time, so what’ll it be girl. Midnight’s a little too obvious, perhaps Button? That’s cute.”

She meowed appreciatively, Button it is. Pretty soon the whole bowl of milk was done, she stood up and started to lick her wounds. I put the saucer in the dishwasher, figured that would be less to explain in the long run, maybe I’d just have to dispose of Mrs. G’s coat, pretend it just went missing. I thought maybe if I scrubbed with some hot water and salt it would come out, but to be completely honest I couldn’t be bothered. It was almost one in the morning and I could feel my eyes getting tired, my body slowly shutting down again, so quickly after I‘d just rose from a slumber.

Once the cat was done grooming herself, I ran my hand over her back, smooth as silk, if not a little damp with Kitty saliva. And then I realised she had stopped bleeding, completely. I couldn’t even feel any wounds anymore or scratches, the ear was still irreparable but every inch of her was completely clean and as good as new. It was like it had never even happened, but the blood on the Mac told me different, and from the amount of it, she was severely hurt. I blinked a few times, maybe I was dreaming. My body felt exhausted now, I wanted to go to bed.

“Well I can’t let you outside, because I’m worried what attacked you might come back. So what do you say to coming up with me? As long as you crawl under the covers no one will need to know you’re there. What do you say Button?”

Button meowed, and wasted no time in leading me up the stairs. I took the Mac with me, decided I was going to shove it underneath my bed, and hoped just like Button’s wounds and this night, it would all disappear.
Last edited by thegirlandthepen on Wed Aug 25, 2010 8:34 pm, edited 1 time in total.
"If you want to be a writer, you must do two things above all others: read a lot and write a lot. There's no way around these two things that I'm aware of, no shortcut." - Stephen King.

EDDiE. :]

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Fri Aug 20, 2010 10:55 am
AngerManagement says...



Hello,

I'd just like to say that I don't see how this is in Romantic Novels, but I would love to see the development.

For a first chapter this was pretty good one, It was gripping and caught my attention from the beginning to the end.

This means meant I wouldn’t be able to get to sleep properly now
0_o...You changed tenses.

And,

It was in this ghetto neighbourhood. There were parties going on all over the street, fights breaking out. It was entertaining to say the least, I spent most nights hanging out of my window watching what was going on.
This bit seems a bit unrealistic, if there was a 'Swap' I doubt the government would send the kid to a ghetto neighborhood.

I like your MC's voice and your MC, she seems to be shrouded in mystery...What was her problem past? (Tell Meh >.>)

I would have liked for there to be a bit more dialogue, just a bit more interaction between your MC and the other characters, to make her seem a bit more solid and stable.

Also Buttons appearing from absolutely nowhere is a bit random, I hope this is explained in latter chapters. Do try and continue posting this, I really enjoyed reading it.

Anger :D
Dont tell me the moon is shining, show me the glint of light on broken glass.

Anton Chekov




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Fri Aug 20, 2010 5:33 pm
SporkPunk says...



Hey again Eddie! Here as requested. :D

Grammar:
Only thing I could find to nitpick was some Anger pointed out. You switched tenses quite randomly there, from past to present then back to past. I'm fairly certain it was a typo. :]
Oh, wait, one other thing. You abbreviated the Gardener's names in the story, which personally, I didn't like much...and I'm unsure if abbreviations of that sort are proper in a piece like this.

Plot:
I like this. Quite a lot, really. Your character seems have depth, though she is mysterious. I'd like to know about her troubled past. The Gardeners seem like an interesting couple, though not nearly as interesting as your MC. I'm also wondering if the Gardeners are characters in their own right, or if they're simply there as a plot convenience.

Overall:
Grammar is mostly superb, the plot isn't clear from this excerpt, which could be quite good as it's only the beginning. I like this, and I'd like to read more of it. Good job :]

PM me if you have any questions, if you would like an elaboration, or if you just feel like it. :D

Remember, if you need another critique, just stop by my thread! :] Or, again, PM me. xD
Keep Writing!
~Sporky
Grasped by the throat, grasped by the throat. That's how I feel about love. That it's not worth it.

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Mon Aug 23, 2010 10:22 am
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Yuriiko says...



Hey there!

Here as requested.

I haven't noticed any grammatical errors here, maybe because I think this is pretty well-written. Though I agree with Anger in some particular terms. It's like while reading this, I was asking myself what probably is the connection of this chapter to the other chapters of Heal. And so I hope my curiosity could be answered within the upcoming chapters.


In my opinion, the randomness you've written here is what helped me to understand the whole plot easily. I mean, I could easily relate to that kind of situation you're character is experiencing, since we've commonly seen a lot of that in other books or even to movies. Also, I feel like there's not enough excitement you're creating here but I say well done for grabbing my attention to read the whole chapter. I also want to say that your characters are getting pretty realistic and the flow itself was average- you didn't make the pace too fast or too slow.

All in all, I don't think I won't say much since the plot is good but you might want to spice this up, because in my opinion, this sounds a bit cliche'. I thank you for the good read. Hoped I helped and PM me for questions.

Keep writing!

Peace out!

~yuri
"Life is a poem keep it in the present tense." -Sherrel Wigal




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Fri Mar 25, 2011 7:44 pm
Abocreature says...



Great job. You've gone back to gripping me like you did in the first chapter. Very few grammatical mistakes besides what was already said, and I can feel a lot more depth to the story than just "boy-meets-girl".

My only complaint is the first paragraph. It didn't really catch my attention. It just seemed like back story, which I believe should be put in later, after the story clenches you, to bring about interest.

And also, it seems as though she adjusted to going from a ghetto home to this rich suburban paradise a little too quickly. I doubt she had the luxury of going down stairs at midnight for a snack in her other place. I think it would be better if she were a little anxious about such things, despite having been given permission.

All in all, I really liked this chapter. I can't wait to find out the connection between this and the first chapter - particularly her powers.







I don't think so alliyah, but don't quote me on that.
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