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The Cold One (Part 2)

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Fri Jan 08, 2010 1:49 pm
Inkdropsonpaper says...

I was sitting on a bench in the hospital, it was a cupple of minutes to one in the morning and I had over heard a nurse saying what room Jack was in. I wiped my jeans with my hands as I stared at the clock above Jack's room. No one made eye contact with me, no one was noticing me. Suddenly there was a beep, I looked above the door of the room and a sign with a read light on it saying "Open for visiters" had illuminated. It was my chance to see Jack and see if he was ok.I took the slow steps to the room, I reached out and pushed door gently which swung open.

" I didnt even push it that hard." I thought.

I walked into the poor light of the room and saw Jack laying there almost lifeless. I sat next to his bed and touched his hand his hand was so warm. Scratches apon his face were going to make deep scars.I scratched my head as I looked on, his eyes were dull and dark around is sockets, his face as white as the snow outside. His hand clenched on to something, I slid it out of his grasp and noticed it was a picture of me. I turned the image around, I noticed that there was writing I began to read it.

"Hareiet- Summer 1992-
Dear Jack, This is a picture of Harriet. I kept it and I wanted to give it to you to hold. She always loved you.
Yours and Harriets best Friend (Always)- Kayleigh"

"And I still do" I smiled

I placed it back into his hand. I stared out into the corridor, no one had visted. It was strange that I didnt see Kayleigh when she visted late last night, and she would have come up to me if she saw me. I knew this for sure. I impatiently waited hoping Jack would wake to see me. It was 9:30 and the sun was risen. Jack was beginning to wake up,excited rose from my seat.

" Hareiet?!, Harriet!?!,"
"I'm here, its ok, I am hear. I love you" but he continued to shout out my name.
The nurse came in and calmed him down. I sat back in my chair confused and frightened.

"Where's my girlfriend. Where is she?" he said


The nurse took a long pause before speaking again.

"Jack, I dont know how to tell you this, or how to put it easier for you to understand. Harriet... She didnt make the crash. I'm sorry."

"What!?!" I thought, my eyes filling up with tears.

"No. I... I dont believe you. Your lying. Your a liar. She couldnt have. I was in the front I was supposed to die. It wouldnt of happened like that, it couldnt have."

"I am sorry. It did" The nurse left him crying

"No...Harriet I need you. I need you."

He picked up the photo and read it. My eyes were swallen with tear which was streaming from my face. Was I dead?. I loved him, we were going to get married. I could have died.

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Fri Jan 08, 2010 6:38 pm
KaylaLovesATL_x says...

This is a very intriguing story!
There should have been a bit more punctuation, but apart from that I thought it was well written :)

I will definitely be keeping an eye out for Part 3 :D

~ Mikayla x

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Fri Jan 08, 2010 7:22 pm
Nick101 says...

Oh my God. And I thought Part 1 was amazing! This was even better! You potray emotions very well, that's a talent that some writers take a while to learn. You have some typo errors but I know you can edit that later. I thought this story was wonderfully written but sad. I loved it!
PM me when you post the next installment!

And welcome to YWS!
I follow four rules when writing
1. Don't think. Just write.
2.Never take the pencil from the page when writing
3.Don't erase. Even if what you wrote didn't make sense
4.No need for grammar,punctuation, or spelling when writing

And when your done writing you stop and break all the rules

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Wed Jan 13, 2010 2:08 pm
Sophia_x says...

I really really liked this :)

you write with such emotion i don't think you even realise it. I like how she processes the the thoughts about what happenned with the crash and the fact that she's dead. All of the responses to things were really well thought out.

I can't wait til part 3. put it up already! :)

When life gives you a hundred reasons to cry, show life you have a thousand reasons to smile.
For instance, you still have chocolate :P

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Thu Apr 01, 2010 9:28 pm
Ikafe says...

Oh...I love it...you put so much emotion in to it. Oh I want to read more. When is the next chapter coming out. I actualy nearly started to cry. Oh such a love story, they were supposed to get married and now she's dead, life is so not fair...But it's such a good story... :elephant: :elephant:
"Even in the darkness, my heart will you..."
"How do you escape from yourself?"
"...open your eyes, and see..."


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Thu Apr 01, 2010 11:26 pm
EmiAnne says...

I like your story a whole bunch!

:D I like how you progress up to her being dead, from her worrying all the way up to her yelling at the nurse, then realizing the truth.
:arrow: Go back and revise for grammar and spelling. Maybe just copy/paste into a word document and let it do that for you... but it was sort of distracting to see so many little typos.
:?: So even though she is a ghosty-thing, she can pull a photo out of Jack's hand? Huh?
Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, "I will try again tomorrow"
-mary anne radmacher

To be a master of metaphor is the greatest thing by far. It is the one thing that cannot be learnt from others, and it is also a sign of genius.
— Aristotle, Poetics