z

Young Writers Society


Battle Of The Hopeless (Chapter 5)



User avatar
80 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 333
Reviews: 80
Sat Jan 21, 2012 10:54 am
polinkacreations says...



Board Journal of ship «Atala», model 855-2-S
Capitain Fared Junior.


March 23rd, 12:06:35
Atala has left base in Sector 11 at 12:00 (GMT+2).

Aim of mission: examine the biosphere located on asteroid 36N, and collect samples of living organisms and soil.

12:30:05
Atala has left the Solar System, approaching asteroid 36N.
Predicted time of arrival: 12:59:58.

13:00:00
Atala touchdown at asteroid 36N. Collector bots sent out at 13:02:14.

15:24:06
Bots returned with samples. Course set back to home.

16:00:00
Samples returned to base in Sector 11. Investigation of samples needed.
Atala awaiting further instructions.

***

March 24th, 18:48:49
A piece of a report on collected samples from Asteroid 36N.
... though matter and living organisms collected from asteroid contain samples which differ from anything found on other asteroids. All samples have been classified and places in containers 1376-B.
One sample of soil components and one sample of plant matter has sent to laboratory in sector 15 due to an abnormality, which could not be identified by...

***

March 24th, 22:45:07
Extract from a letter sent by General McFlein to Capitain Fahed Junior.
... I suggest you classify this as an urgent request, though I ask not to alarm any members of your team, as we are still not sure of the details...
***

March 25th, 00:00:04
Atala has left base at Sector 11 at the request of General McFlein to repeat collection of soil samples on asteroid 36N.

00:40:46
Collecting bots sent for collection of soil samples for further analysis on main planet.

00:53:57
Bots collected samples of soil and living organisms. Pictures taken.

01:36:32
Samples delivered to sector 15.
Atala awaiting further orders.

***
Extract from a report investigating pictures taken:
03:50:20
...reveal several abnormalities, which can only be identified and explained once the asteroid is available for investigation. The living organisms and the structure of plant life is not common for asteroids at all. As this case holds such new discoveries, I suggest the samples need to be examined and sent off to another sector for...

***
Extract from a report of soil samples on asteroid 36N.
03:58:48
... upon further investigation, it appears that the soil contains an element previously unknown to our science, but we cannot learn more about the mysterious substance unless a full examination of the asteroid is made possible. The elements in the soil affect, or may be the cause of, the plants and living organisms on the asteroid...

***
March 30th, an extract from a newspaper article:
... an asteroid, the course of which has been adjusted to the orbit of the planet, is being investigated right now. We cannot make predictions on what the asteroid contains, as the journalists aren’t let into sector 15. What is so special about this asteroid? What could it contain? New forms of plant or alien life? It’s hard to think that there’s something the scientists haven’t discovered yet. We are awaiting details, but for now, all we can do is wait...

***
A letter from Capitain Fared Junior to General McFlein:
Sir,
The situation requires our immediate reaction. A new form of alien life has been found on the asteroid, which seemed unbelievable to me, as the asteroid is so small in relativity to others we have studied. But it is very true, as I have seen the creatures myself. Sir, I advise that we shut down the department from the general public.
***
An extract from the newspaper report, March 27th.
...Sector 15 was shut down this morning, and all the press is no longer allowed in a 20km radius. All the information we could gather was from a worker in the sector, who said that the scientists have found a virus which could be potentially very dangerous. Once again, all we can do is make assumptions - though I wouldn’t come close to the research sectors any longer. Find out what the doctors have to say about the situation on page 17...

***
A letter from General McFlein to Captain Fared Junior:
March 29th, 05:04:49

...Shut down access to all sectors.
"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." - Dr. Seuss
  





User avatar
167 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 7459
Reviews: 167
Sat Jan 21, 2012 8:12 pm
View Likes
confetti says...



I'm not a huge fan of this. Mostly because of where it is in the book. I don't really think this deserves its own chapter, especially this far into the novel. Where it would be most effective would be as a prologue. What this best accomplishes is foreshadowing, and so it would be best at the beginning.

So. What you've got here is a captain's journal, correct? Which is neat, and it makes sense, but then you go and throw in newspaper clippings and letters and in doing this, it seems to lose its effect. It becomes less organized and begins to feel like you just threw things together. Want my advice? I would stick to one area of reporting. If you want a captain's log, then have that and that only. If you want to branch out, you could have an entire newspaper article or an entire letter, but don't use small snippets. It gets jumbled and any important information goes through one ear and out the other.

To sum it up - stick with one area of literacy, whether it be a newspaper article, a few letters, or a captain's journal. As well, I highly recommend reconsidering its place in the novel. This would make for a good prologue, you know, hinting at things to come. Hope this helped (:
"So the writer who breeds more words than he needs, is making a chore for the reader who reads."
— Dr. Seuss
  








i got called an enigma once so now i purposefully act obtuse
— chikara