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Wed Jan 18, 2012 2:45 am
volleyball13 says...



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Last edited by volleyball13 on Mon Jan 23, 2012 1:40 am, edited 2 times in total.
"Crowded classrooms and half-day sessions are a tragic waste of our greatest national resource - the minds of our children."
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Wed Jan 18, 2012 5:33 am
RainyDay1119 says...



Hi, Volleyball13! First of all, I have to say that I love your story. I think the background(forest etc.) is great. The plot's quite okay, too. So, it's like horror, right? Well, I hope it turns out good.

Here are the things I noticed;

+ You don't need to actually listen to me, because I'm not an expert or something.

Chloe heard dead leaves on the forest floor breaking coming from her left


I think it would be better if it was; "Chloe heard dead leaves breaking." I don't think that the sound coming from her left is that important. And the forest floor would be better if it was "the ground", or maybe you could just exclude it.

Elena’s body began to contort itself in impossible ways.


Over here, I don't think the word 'itself' is necessary.

Chloe instantly regretted her decision to try to wake her sister.


I think it should be "Chloe instantly regretted her decision."

As Chloe fell into nothingness, she could hear something’s laughter echoing sinisterly throughout the hole.


I think you should say "someone" instead of "something".

She was holding a sharp knife and muttering a rhyme in a different language, possibly Latin.


It would be better if it was "muttering a rhyme in a foreign language"

she slowly stopped saying the rhyme and stared up at Chloe


This one would be better if it was "she slowly stopped muttering and stared up at Chloe"

She walked down the stairs, turning on the lights as she passed their switches, and walked to the kitchen.


I think it would be better if it was "went into the kitchen", since you've already used "walked"

“Oh, sorry Leslie. I thought you were my sister Elena.”


It would be better if it was "I thought you were my sister."

She heard noises coming from upstairs. She tried to ignore them by telling herself that it was just her mind playing tricks on her. Though she tried, it still sounded like something was upstairs. After five minutes, the sounds finally stopped.


I think you should describe more about the sound, and how Chloe felt.


I think you should add some more descriptions and the character's feelings, but it's generally awesome! :D
  





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19 Reviews



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Reviews: 19
Wed Jan 18, 2012 4:46 pm
volleyball13 says...



Thanks for such a great review. I know the end of this is kind of rough, I added it in last minute :) and the plot that is on here is a very quick and short one. (If I went fulll detail it would've been going on forever.)
"Crowded classrooms and half-day sessions are a tragic waste of our greatest national resource - the minds of our children."
Walt Disney
  





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Sat Jan 21, 2012 8:33 am
confetti says...



Here, as promised.

The nightmare was simple, but complex in its own way

Eh.. don't contradict yourself here. Either it's simple or it's complex. I get what you're trying to say here, but it's not a great opening line.
Chloe heard branches breaking behind her and when she whirled around she saw Elena looking up at her with an unusual devilish smile on her face

Who is Elena? I know you explain in a few sentences, but I think it would be better to put it in right away. "Her sister, Elena,"
In the center of the star was Cynthia.

Again - who is Cynthia? You can't throw names around and expect us to know them. You're telling the reader the story, so make sure we understand.


The word choice is bland, which makes for bland writing. The sentence structure is nothing special, and so your writing is nothing special. I think that's your main issue here (as much as I feel bad saying it) is your writing skills. But no worries, write more and you will improve.

As for the plot - I can't really say much. You haven't written enough for someone to really comment on the plot. As of now, it doesn't seem to be anything fabulous, nothing that I'll be remembering for years to come.

You have potential, so hold onto that and use it to your advantage. Write more, practice it, read, and skills will come. Then you can come back to this and rewrite it into the disturbing images you're aiming for. Hope this was a bit helpful, good luck!
"So the writer who breeds more words than he needs, is making a chore for the reader who reads."
— Dr. Seuss
  





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109 Reviews



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Mon Jan 23, 2012 5:21 pm
MysticalBlood says...



Hey! I didn't get to review your story! Never mind, next time you post something message me again. I'm sorry i didn't review it in time :( I feel so bad!
'This isn't funny Dean, the voice says i'm almost out of minutes!' - Castiel
~ Nothing is true, everything is permitted... Live by the Creed... Be Discreet...
  








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