Young Writers Society

Looking over the crowd, Luce's eyes searched for her next meal as she focused on the few appetizing men in her direct sight. After scanning for a few more minutes she eventually decided to find some younger and more tempting souls.

Moving past a few stores in the district she took notice of a bar, targeting people in their twenties, and decided to investigate it. While scanning the bar for a suitable meal, she noticed a small brunette boy stumbling to the exit. He was alone. A perfect target.

The brunette must have just turned twenty-one by the way he was so victium. She felt a heat coming from her chest and knew the boy was to be her next meal. Though usually she ignored the drunks, she could hardly help herself with this one. He was just so damn cute.

His dark hair was spiked and messy as though from waking up at a death metal concert and his pure olive green eyes added to his sexy demeanor. The boys tight black clothes looked old and worn complementing his slender figure in a nice way. Luce couldn’t see how a boy like that could go unnoticed. No way would she ever forget someone that hot.

Luce was about to make her attack when the brunette seemed to notice her and looked up from his drunken supper. He broadened his eyes as Luce approached him, trying to recognize her.

Luce giggled furtively as she beckoning the boy to follow her out of the bar into a side alley. The brunette came after the girl letting her obsidian, convincing eyes lead him away from civilization. The boy stayed silent as Luce lifted her hand to his chin leveling her gaze with his. Luce continued patiently to ask the boy’s name,

“T-T-Tristan A-A Angel”; he stuttered just in time for the girl to press her lips against his.

He moved into the kiss letting the girl dominate him completely. It didn’t take long for the brunette to complete the act and let Luce, who began to take his breath, entrap him in the kiss. She noticed the boy slowing and stopped letting him collapse into her arms.

She had been satisfied by the boy. Luce propped Tristan up against a garbage dump hoping that no one would care that he was there. Luce sighed inwardly allowing Luke to replace her.

Luke was her other self. He was like another person inside her or should she say that the other way around. Luce was a Soul Suceptor, a demon who stole the life forces of others away through kisses, and at the moment she was currently sharing a body with a boy named Luke. He frowned feeling extremely uncomfortable in the mini-skirt and tube top. He began to walk to where he had stored his more masculine clothing, wishing, to get out of the clothes as soon as humanly possible before he could get stopped by the cops for solicitation. He smirked at the thought humanly possible like he was anywhere close to human.

Luke stepped into the store and b-lined straight to the closed changing rooms. He opened the second door from the left and stepped inside. It was an average changing room to the untrained eye but to Luke it was a hiding place. He leaned over a bench and opened the lid. Inside he found his black skinny jeans, black t-shirt, and blue hooded sweatshirt along with some hair gel to put his hair up in its usual death metal fashion. Luce then decided to butt into his life and say, “Luke, what the hell is wrong with your hair? How can you even do that? It’s just not natural.” Luke scowled at her, thinking, “like its natural turning into a demon girl every night.” Luce chkkled letting the bastard know what she thought of his ‘not natural’.
Luke broke the silence in the room and spoke out loud, “Luce, why do you have to talk to me like this? It’s fine now since we’re alone but when I’m at school I can hardly contain you and I don’t what everyone thinking I’m crazy”.

Luce chuckled and answered, “Well it’s because as the princess I am. I should be able to have whatever I want when I want it.” Luke growled at her not appreciating the comment. “You’re no princess! Your a damn demon. You’re just some random disease-like creature stuck in my body”, he shouted unable to control his anger. It’s bad to show your emotions, Luke. You should be more careful in hiding them or others can use your weaknesses against you.

Luke wiped his face of feeling the complete truth of his words. It was bad to show any emotion what so ever. “Thanks’ Luce you really saved me there.” Luke could tell Luce was angry with his remark. She had been hoping to shame Luke, although if she did, she would never know it. Naturally, she was pissed. Luce growled at him and then shut up.

Luke sighed, thanking God that the store had been abandoned after the death of his family. He didn’t know what he would do if anyone ever learned his secret. He then left the store and headed off for home.

Though it was now empty, it was still something of value to him. Luke thought back to the boy. Realizing that he looked familiar Luke nearly fell over when he figured out that the brunette went to his school. He relaxed once he remembered the brunette was a loser hanging out with losers. He was also drunk.

Noticing that he had been holding his breath the blond allowed himself to breath. He unlocked the door and went to his bedroom, giving himself time to think about his day.

Luke couldn’t help but hate Luce though he relied on her as she had been with him most of his life and he needed her support. No matter how crude or blunt she was, Luke believed that in some way they were friends. He then relaxed himself onto the bed and closed his eyes allowing his body to do its work as he drifted off to sleep.

-TxL-

“Shit!” Tristan thought taking in his surroundings as he tried to stand up.

He staggered a bit before he was able to pull himself off the ground. He groaned and put his hands to his temple, trying to keep away the headache from his getting from his most apparent hangover. Pyro started laughing as the brunette finally understood his predicament.

Pyro was his other. His second self. His best friend and enemy. The demon he carried within himself at all times.

He had been in a back alleyway, unconscious, and his body ached all over. He had either gotten into a fight or mugged. Tristan groaned. “Trust, stop being an idiot. You know I wouldn’t have let that happen to you… at least not without my consent first.”

At this comment Tristan growled, sending Pyro into fits of laughter. “So if I wasn’t mugged, what happened? I must have blacked out after the party but you’re always lucid so tell me.”Pyro was obviously enjoying tormenting the brunette and didn’t want to stop. “Pyro you bitch are you trying to be sadistic right now.”

Pyro smirked inwardly at the boy. Yes, I was so sure by now you understood by now that I was actually starting to consider you a masochist. Tristan wished that he could bring the demon out of his body and beat her to a pulp, but knowing this would never happen ,he settled on ignoring the fox instead. “Idiot” ,she concluded then shut up.

Tristan let out a breath and sat back down on the ground. Why did she have to be such a bitch all the time? Tristan put his head between his knees and rocked, hoping to ease the pain. About ten minutes later, he realized he had school the next day and needed to get back to the dorm before they found out he was gone. Tristan got up and stilled for a second letting his body become accustomed to his new actions before walking slowly out of the alley to find that he wasn’t very far from the bar he had been at last night.

The boy grinned at the memory. He, Seen, and Turquoise had finally gotten fake IDs so that they could do such a thing and he was pretty sure they were all as wasted as he had been last night. Though they were probably in their own beds.

Tristan continued walking until he found a bus he could take to the dorms and hopped on. As soon as Tristan got to the dorms he ran straight up to his room to find a new change of clothes and an Advil. As he opened the door to his room, Seen nearly tackled him as he pulled the idiot into a hug.
Tristan was so shocked by his friend’s behavior he must have looked like a fish with his mouth open so wide and his eyes almost exploding out of his face. Seen, of course, like the jackass he is, burst into laughter.

“Sorry Tristan but that face was priceless. I mean where were you? I was looking for you all last night you idiot, you might have been dead.” Seen just sighed and went into the kitchen to grab the brunette some pills while Tristan tried to explain himself, “…and then I woke up in an alley with a really bad hangover”.

The idiot finished as Seen walked back in the room with some water and Advil. Tristan put the pill in his mouth then swallowed it after filling his mouth with water. Seen stared at him, “What?”, Tristan asked, “Is it that hard to take a pill?”

Seen frowned at the boy, “Trust, you just told me you woke up in an alley and you don’t expect me to be confused?” He thought about it and then realized that Pyro had never actually told him what happened. Tristan started to glare, hoping the demon would understand he was pissed at her.
Instead, Seen backed away slowly thinking Tristan was mad at him. “Sorry Seen, I just feel kind of upset I don’t really remember what happened to me... Sorry“. Seen sighed accepting Tristan’s apology and then went off to his room to think.

A few minutes later, Tristan could hardly contain himself as the pill started to take effect, and he finally felt the relief he needed from the hangover. Afterwards, feeling hungry he went to the kitchen to find some food. Finding some left over lasagna he grabbed a bowl and took it to his room to eat.

He laid down in his bed putting the bowl on the bedside table and pondered over the events of that day. He could barely remember anything so he looked up to clear his mind. On the ceiling was a painting of his dead mother and father he had done during his second year of high school. The thought made him shiver, Arrow, his godfather, had taught him how to paint when he was very young. Although the thought made Tristan happy to remember the good times, he would never forgive his godfather for what he had done to him.

Tristan yawned and turned over, forgetting the bowl of hot cheese and spices to his right. His thoughts drifted off to a better place, a place of warmth and compassion. A place that only existed in his dreams.

-TxL-

Luke woke up feeling completely refreshed. Although he hated the way Luce gained the energy. He couldn’t help the way it made him feel more alive. He stretched out his arms and then got up from his bed, hearing the small creak it gave from the sudden change in weight.

He could tell he wouldn’t need to eat for a couple of days and he felt unnatural, inhuman, like a being that shouldn’t be alive and the feeling of being truly human is something that he could never reach, no matter how bad the desire. The only time I’ve felt like this was when Luce decided she needed to kill someone to keep herself alive and she took their entire life force. He had barely even skimmed the surface of the boy and he was already like this.

He continued to think as he got dressed for school and headed for the bus. Inside the bus he felt claustrophobic from the sudden closeness of all the people around him. It wasn’t that he was it was just that Luke didn’t like people or at least the ones he didn’t know. He tried to ignore the bodies pressing against him and began to feel sick.

Luke attempted to think of his happy place. A place where his family was alive and loved him but he knew it would never be true. His family was dead. His father believed him a disappointment, his brother was an arrogant prick, and his mother had no feelings of love for either of her children. He sighed letting the thoughts go and began to think about Luce. She was the only one he had left. Even though she never showed it he knew she thought of them as brother and sister. He couldn't help but hated his brother he couldn’t help but feel love for him at the same time while remembering all the years he had looked up to his brother, guiding him to reach all of his ambitions.

Raina Night

Luce has two selves?

You've got me interested.

I was hooked at the first line. Hope to read more of your postings!

So far, you have a very flowing style.

Question: So Luce and Luke have two different lives entirely? Do they interact with each other? Kind of lost... please explain.

So far I admire the way you introduce your characters gradually. You pull it off really well. I want more information on your character's pasts though, however I assume you'll get into that more later. Maybe through flashbacks?

Dear Moon,

Luce and Luke are one in the same. Luce is a demon that has been possessing Luke since childhood and because of a past curse she must take pieces of peoples souls to survive.

The way Luke and Luce interact is that one of them is on the inside and the other on the outside. They can not both be in control of his body at the same time. They can talk to each other in their mind and the one on the inside is always conscience of what is happening to their other.

I am hoping to soon explain Tristan's past through dreams in the next few chapters. Luke's past however will be show through multiple, short flashbacks relating the past to the present.

Thank you for being the first to respond. Hope you like the story so far,
Raina Night

Hey, Raina, Firefly here for a review!

As I typically review while I'm reading, let's just jump right into it!

(Blue words) represent my personal comments
Green words are corrections to spelling/punctuation/etc
Red words that are struck out should be removed entirely

Now, on with your review!

Moving past a few stores in the district, she took notice of a bar, targeting people in their twenties, and decided to investigate it.

Typically, bars are restricted to those who can legally drink, so this bit is unnecessary. Also, the "it" at the end is repetitive, as the reader already knows that the main character is referring to the bar.

While scanning the bar for a suitable meal, she noticed a small (Try using a more descriptive word, like thin; unless of course, he's a short guy ) brunette boy stumbling to the exit. He was alone; a perfect target.

The brunette must have just turned twenty-one by the way he was so victium (Huh?).

She felt a heat coming from her chest and knew the boy was to be her next meal.

You've used and, consequentially, abused the word "meal" too many times this far into the chapter. Try wording it differently, like: "and she knew he was the one." The reader won't be confused, since they already know she's on the prowl for some chow, and by changing it up you avoid being repetitive.

Though Usually she ignored the drunks, but she could hardly help herself with this one; he was just so damn cute!

The "!" at the end adds some emotion to the passage. If, however, you weren't looking for emotion, then the period is alright, too.

His dark hair was spiked and messy, as though from waking up (Try phrasing this differently; it sounds too weird) at a death metal concert, and his pure olive green eyes added to his sexy demeanor. The boy's tight black clothes looked old and worn, complementing his slender figure in a nice way (Unnecessary; it's basically repeating what we readers already know, that his outfit complements him). Luce couldn’t see how a boy like that could go unnoticed. No way would she ever forget someone that hot.

The last sentence implies that Luce has been to the bar before. If she hasn't, then the sentence isn't necessary; if she has, maybe you could mention the bar by name and hint to the reader that she's had past dinners there.

Luce was about to make her attack when the brunette seemed to notice her and looked up from his drunken stupor?. He widened his eyes as Luce approached him, trying to recognize her (Is he trying to remember if he knows her, or trying to get a better look at her?).

Luce giggled furtively (Try using a smaller word here; not all readers may know what "furtively" means, and hardly anyone wants to drag out their dusty old dictionaries to look it up) as she beckoned the boy to follow her out of the barinto a side alley. The brunette followed the girl into a side alley, letting her obsidian, convincing (Pick a different word, or rephrase this part) eyes lead him away from civilization. The boy stayed silent as Luce lifted her hand to his chin' leveling her gaze with his. Luce continued patiently, asking for the boy’s name.

She noticed the boy slowing and stopped, letting him collapse into her arms.

Luce sighed inwardly allowing Luke to replace her.

Whoa, hold the phone! Who's Luke? What happened to Luce? This transition from Luce to Luke, although made clear later on, is confusing to the reader when done so suddenly. Try to drop hints of Luce's abnormality in your earlier passages by bringing up a mysterious voice in the form of thoughts, almost like a conscience (which, I'm assuming, is what Luke acts like when Luce is in control and vice versa), that way the reader isn't caught completely off-guard.

Luke was her other self. He was like another person inside her or should she say that the other way around. Luce was a Soul Suceptor, a demon who stole the life forces of others away through kisses, and at the moment she was currently sharing a body with a boy named Luke.

This paragraph, though very informative on who and what Luke and Luce are, is just that: informative. As a piece of fiction and, more importantly, as fantasy fiction, you as the writer are the creator of this world. You create everything from the characters to the setting to the origins of this fantasy world to the plot, and sometimes it is easier to tell rather than show, because YOU know what's going on. But telling is not enough! Here, let me give you an example:

"I sat there, dumbfounded, and watched as the front of my boyfriend's car crashed into the tree trunk. I was thrown through the windshield, and knew instantly that I was dead. What would my mother think?"

Or:

"Even in my drunken stupor I knew that we were rounding the curve too fast. 'This isn't right!' I thought, panic filling my lungs and stealing away my voice as the car's tires wailed like frightened kittens in the silent night air. But we weren't slowing down; we couldn't!

'The rain!' I vaguely remembered that it had rained early today. Funny, the things you remember when staring death in the face. As the front bumper of my boyfriend's car kissed the tree trunk, I thought of my mother and younger sister. I was hardly the perfect daughter, and I had yelled at my sister the other day for washing my socks with her clothes. I had been so rude, and over something so small! I never did make it up to her, and now I feared I would never get the chance to. Would they miss me when I'm gone? Would I be gone? Does it hurt when you die? Am I going to die?

These were the thoughts racing through my mind, the last thoughts I remember thinking as my body was flung through the front windshield--I hadn't buckled when we left the party. I had thought that I was invincible, that we were invincible. Oh, how unfortunately wrong I was."

Both of these are describing the exact same thing (a young girl involved in a tragic car accident), but they are also two separate stories altogether. The difference? One is telling while the other is showing. And while both of these formats are correct, only one of them elicits more emotion from the reader than the other.

In the first example, the reader is told what is happening but is left in the dark on why their car is wrecking and what the main character is thinking/feeling/etc. There is no emotion behind her tragedy, and too many unanswered questions leave the reader feeling empty. However, the second example not only gives the reason behind the accident, but it also lets the reader in on the MC's thoughts/feelings/even her regrets and fears. Such description can be a powerful tool for you as a writer; it can hook the reader and draw them in deeper, making them eventually feel what your MC feels. It's hardly an easy task and makes info-dumping (such as example one) seem so much easier, but in the end a reader is more interested in feeling and learning the MC's secrets over time rather than being told upfront and left feeling numb.

If I continued on from there, the rest of my nit-picks would mirror those that I've already addressed: comma placement, repetition, verb tense, show vs. tell, etc. I love the idea behind this and believe that your story has great potential, but i also feel that it's held back by a lack of showing.

I hope my review helped. If you have any questions or would like me to clear some things up, please feel free to PM me. I look forward to more of your work.

~Firefly