Young Writers Society

Thunder clapped as the sounds of battle swarmed around the forest floor. Arrows flew through the air, and the sound of metal and scale clashing could be heard throughout the battlefield. Gahgnaugh swooped down to get a mouthful of human flesh. He flung them as far into the trees as he could. Then he spotted the commander flying upward, and did the same. As they couldn't hover,they circled around the battlefield, looking for a weakness in the humans defenses.

"We cannot win this, and you know it."said Gahgnaugh. The dragon suddenly seemed to age very quickly.
"We must prevail, or those foul beasts will rule the earth and it's many creatures. We will be forced to bow at their feet. I would rather die than have to experience such a thing." Gahgnaugh agreed. It would be a horror to see that happen. They flew back down into the battle.

The humans were knocking them down with ease, but the same could be said for the dragons. They were burning machinery like it was a chicks rattle. Suddenly, Gahgnaugh heard a scream and turned to see Artirius falling from the sky. O, did that make him angry. He flew down, fire spewing from his mouth. He saw the gears of a machine turn, a huge arrow heading for his chest, and in that split second before he died, he remembered things from his life.

The glorious rule of dragons when he was only a chick, the beggining of the war, when his father was to old to fight, and he had to go instead. Thhen when he took some time of to mate, and he had met her, jewel. He could almost see her glowing green eyes right now. Then there was that chick, drashet, and he had been forced to go back to war. He wondered if his own son would have the same fate as him. Then he prepared himself to die, and with a shriek that could be heard all across the land, he fell to the ground.

The great Gahgnaugh was dead.

Heylo drashet!


First off, spelling:

Arrows flew through the air, and the sound of metal and scale clashing could be heard throught the battlefeild

Should be throughout and battlefield.

I would rather die than have to experience such a thing

Should be experience.

The glorious rule of dragons when he was only a chick, the beggining[b] of the war, when his father was [b]to old to fight, and he had to go instead.

Should be beginning and too.

Then he prepared himself to die, and with a shriek that could be heard all across the land, he fell to the ground.

Should be shriek.

Sorry, but spelling bugs me. ^_^


So! Onto the main story. You had a lot of action going on here, which was very good, and you had a good pace, which is awesome. I really struggle with actions scenes, cause I can see it all in my head and it looks really cool, but it’s never the same on paper. *sigh* Anyway. Paragraphs. Paragraphs are good. You don’t have any, so this is one big block of text that doesn’t look very friendly. Formatting is really important, especially on the internet, so I’d suggest making it look like this:

Thunder clapped as the sounds of battle swarmed around the forest floor. Arrows flew through the air, and the sound of metal and scale clashing could be heard throughout the battlefield. Gahgnaugh swooped down to get a mouthful of human flesh. He flung them as far into the trees as he could.

Then he spotted the commander flying upward, and did the same. As they couldn't hover, they circled around the battlefield, looking for a weakness in the humans defences.

"We cannot win this, and you know it," said Gahgnaugh.

The dragon suddenly seemed to age very quickly. "We must prevail, or those foul beasts will rule the earth and its many creatures. We will be forced to bow at their feet. I would rather die than have to experience such a thing."

Gahgnaugh agreed. It would be a horror to see that happen. They flew back down into the battle. The humans were knocking them down with ease, but the same could be said for the dragons. They were burning machinery like it was a chick’s rattle.

Suddenly, Gahgnaugh heard a scream and turned to see Artirius falling from the sky. O, did that make him angry. He flew down, fire spewing from his mouth. He saw the gears of a machine turn, a huge arrow heading for his chest, and in that split second before he died, he remembered things from his life. The glorious rule of dragons when he was only a chick, the beginning of the war, when his father was too old to fight, and he had to go instead. Then when he took some time off to mate, and he had met her, jewel. He could almost see her glowing green eyes right now. Then there was that chick, drashet, and he had been forced to go back to war. He wondered if his own son would have the same fate as him.

Then he prepared himself to die, and with a shriek that could be heard all across the land, he fell to the ground.

The great Gahgnaugh was dead.

(I corrected the spelling and some grammar mistakes here too) With the spaces put in, it makes this a lot easier to read, and you’ll attract more reviewers. It’s very off-putting to stare for ten minutes at a huge block of text with no gaps in it. ^_^ Also, the spaces make it clearer who’s speaking when. Every time someone new starts talking, you should start a new paragraph.

Is there a reason why Gahgnaugh’s mate and chick don’t have capitalised names?

Another thing I would add is to put in more description. You mention they’re in a forest, so surely it would be difficult for the dragons to manoeuvre? Describe how the twigs and leaves tear at their wings, the colour of the trees—are they fresh and green with spring or are they burnt with dragon fire? Describe more how the humans look—do they wear uniforms? What kind of weapons do they have? You only mention machines and arrows a second before Gahgnaugh gets killed, so I was thinking, “Wait, they have giant arrows?” when I should have been thinking, “Aw, phooey, he died.”

PM me if you have any questions!

-twit

Thanks twit! I really needed someone to edit my stories. I will get those things fixed( after I'm done with my homework, that is.)

P.S. you have a cool avatar!