Young Writers Society

Please comment on my story, I need reviews!!!


Prologue:

The dragon's low, moaning call echoed through the forest and faded into the shadows of the night. A cloaked figure trods away, and the last sound is his treacherous laugh. He cleans the knife and nods at the dying dragon lying in between two tall and thich oaks. he was a Northern Emerald, with a slim green body and enormous wings, now folded across his chest. He took his last breath and closed his eyes.




The cloaked figure, known as a shadowslayer in these times, had almost reaches the South fortress when a stout being leapt out in front of him and unsheathed his sword.

"Halt!" the man cried as he held the blade unsteadily in front of him. " Ye shan't go any further. State your name."

"I don't have a name."

The small man, who happened to be a dwarf, tugged the shadowslayer's robe. "Follow me.

He pulled away. " Now, my little dwarf, why on earth would I do that?"

" By order of the true ruler of Saratona."

"My apologies. Shalah would like to see me? I'm honored."

"Don't you even speak of his name. You're coming with me to camp Alavaa."

" Your king must be very weak. Sending a midget like you when he could have sent a troll."

"The traitors," muttered the dwarf.

"Now, wait a second, lad! The trolls betrayed you just a moon ago, is that right?"

The dwarf sighed.

"We are obviously the stronger side, my little friend. Soon Camp alavaa will be destroyed, along with King Willow and all of your people. Come with me, my boy, come to the stronger side, where all of your troubles will dissapear. Come now, come with me, my little dwarf. Come."

The dwarf shuddered, like just out of a trance, and spoke: "I will never join you, you soulless beast."

The shadowslayer chuckled. "You foolish young dwarf.." He drew his knife. "Why would you choose the weaker side?"

The dwarf gripped his sword and yelled, then stampeded towards the cloaked man. He swung his blade, but was stopped by the shadowslayer's knife.

"You murdered an innocent creature! Now you shall be punished with the same sentence!!" yelped the dwarf.

"You will do no such thing." The man swung his blade and nearly scratched the dwarf's neck. he yelled in anger at the missed attempt and tossed the knife, only hitting a slim tree. The dwarf ran over to the oak and pulled out the glistening knife. In his right hand he held his own sword, in his left the assassin's knife.

"Who's the weaker side now, eh?" He rubbed both weapons together, creating sparks. Surrender now. Or die trying to stop me."

With a swish of his cloak, the man sprinted through the forest, his life at stake.The dwarf pointed the knife at the shadowslayer and tossed it at him.

"Missed me, midget!" he called. " But thanks for the knife back, you foolish man!" He cackled and was gone.

Hello, I am Omar your first reviewer.

Let's begin with your lovely and very capturing starting paragraph.

The dragon's low, moaning call echoed through the forest and faded into the shadows of the night. A cloaked figure trods away, and the last sound is his treacherous laugh. He cleans the knife and nods at the dying dragon lying in between two tall and thich oaks. he was a Northern Emerald, with a slim green body and enormous wings, now folded across his chest. He took his last breath and closed his eyes.

I am a dragon's person so I love dragons. It certainly was capturing and made me want to read on, just the thing you want. First to kill a rather strong creature with a knife isn't so ... convincing. A short sword would do, or you could keep the knife and mention that the Northern Emerald was old / a youngling or that it was rather weak.

Let's move on shall we?
You have no choice anyway XD I am joking.

had almost reaches the South

Reached not reaches. Watch out for those mistakes my friend.

"We are obviously the stronger side, my little friend. Soon Camp alavaa will be destroyed, along with King Willow and all of your people. Come with me, my boy, come to the stronger side, where all of your troubles will dissapear. Come now, come with me, my little dwarf. Come."

Now if you just added something like "We are obviously the stronger side, my little friend. Soon Camp alavaa will be destroyed, along with King Willow and all of your people. Come with me, my boy, come to the stronger side, where all of your troubles will dissapear. Come now, come with me, my little dwarf. Come," said the shadowslayer, adding layers of magic in his voice.

That would explain the trance-like effect.

That's it! Keep posting my friend!