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CoExistence (Chapter One)



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Fri Jan 06, 2012 4:00 am
RoryLegend says...



ANNIE

The whole town had been in upheaval all day. A storm was coming. And considering this was the year of the impending apocalypse this had to be the bitter end. Annie Grant didn't really buy all that crap. She thought that if she were in charge of the end of the world she would be very sneaky about it, and do it when people least expected it-like on a Tuesday. Meanwhile every grocery store and gas station in Plaino, Indiana was out of stock on bottled water and canned food. And her dad was late picking her up from school.

She could have driven herself or gotten a ride with a friend but Annie's dad always picked up her, it was normal. And since his mind had really started to go lately she wanted to hold on to as much of normal with him as possible. She could smell the storm roiling in the greenish-gray sky above her. She heard a low growl of what sounded like thunder and, with a sigh, was ready to duck under the small overhang from the school entrance when she turned to see a motorcycle approaching. There was only one person in town she knew with a motorcycle and he was, for lack of a better word, her tenant. John had showed up three years ago asking if they still had a room for rent and never left. Lately he'd been taking care of her dad, making sure he didn't wander off into a corn field or put tin foil in the microwave. But he and Annie barely interacted. Not that she didn't think about him. Constantly.

He pulled the motorcycle up along the curb of the loading and unloading zone and killed the engine, "Annie!" he called, waving her toward him as big, cold rain drops started to fall. She pulled the zipper up the rest of the way on her jacket, flipped the hood up and sprinted over to him.

She had to shout over the wind, which blew her hood off, "What are you doing here?" she asked. But he didn't respond, he just climbed off the bike and tossed her one of the backpacks he was holding, "What's this?"

"72 hour kit," he replied, rounding the bike and grabbing her hand, "we don't have time to make it back!" He pulled her towards the school but rain was coming down hard and sideways and they were both soaked by the time they reached the door.

"I think it's locked!" She shouted against the howling wind, trying to keep her now wet blonde hair out of her face. Every time she brushed it away the wind whipped it back, smacking her in the face.

John grabbed the handle and turned. The door burst open and they half jumped and were half pushed in by the wind. He pushed the door closed and locked out the noise, "No it's not," he replied, his voice echoing down the quiet hall. Annie looked down at his hand, which was still clasped around hers. He followed her gaze and dropped his grip immediately. She looked up at the wall of windows that was the front of the school. Not such a sound design choice considering. The wind and rain were pressing against the glass and knocking the trees together.

"Does this building have a basement?" He asked. She shrugged. Whenever they had tornado drills the teachers just lined everyone up in the hallways. Each grade had a hallway and each hallway had a set of thick, iron doors that were closed and locked, along with all the classroom doors. They all stood facing the walls as teachers took role. Then, after assuring everyone was there they would all sit cross legged and try to touch their foreheads to the ground, covering the back of their heads and necks with their hands. Going to the basement seemed more practical now that she thought about it, and easier. John sighed, "Alright, come on." He slung his backpack over his shoulder and started walking, Annie did the same.

"Is my dad alright?" she asked as they traipsed down the eight grade hall.

"I put him in the cellar before I came, he's got plenty of food and water, and a radio," he replied. They reached the end of the hall and he stopped.

"Why didn't he come get me?" They turned and headed back to the main hall.

"I think he forgot. He was really out of it today. He kept watching the news coverage of the storm. He was really excited." They got back to the main hall and all the windows. The whole sky was a shade of unforgivable black, curling with storm clouds, and covering the whole hallway in shadow. It reminded her of John's hair, which had curled up even more from the rain. He stopped and looked around at the front desk where you had to go when you came late to school.

The attendance ladies would sit at the desk and take your note or shake their heads at your lack there of and give you a pass, green if you have a note, red if you don't to get to class. Behind the desk was a hall way where all the administrators offices, the copy room, and the teacher's lounges were. They had just come from the right side of the school were kindergarden through eighth grade went, on the left side, the other side of the cafeteria, was the high school wing. The ninth through twelfth grade halls were there, plus a special high schooler commons, which Annie realized wasn't all that special once she started high school. Below the cafeteria was the gym which led out to the field. She figured the gym was the best option of finding any sort of basement as it was technically half way underground.

"This way," she said, leading John towards the gym. He followed in silence as they descended the stairs into the dark, hard wood floored gymnasium. There was a door for the girls locker room and one for the boys. The weight room, which they school gained during the renovations a few years ago, was on the other side of the gym and down the hall that no one liked being alone in.

They walked across the gym, their foot steps echoing on the floor and bouncing off the heigh ceilings and walls. She reached around for a light switch in the hall but found none. John dropped his back pack to the ground with a loud thump and bent down, rummaging through. He pulled out a flashlight and flipped it on while it was aimed right at Annie. The light hit her eyes and she blinked, seeing spots.

"Sorry," he said, aiming the flash light down. then back up at the doors. The first room had "Boiler" printed across it in bolded letters, the next three were numbered, and the last door was the weight room.

"I'm sure we'd be fine if we just stayed here," She looked back into the gym. The only windows were at the very tops of the walls and they were the kind that couldn't be opened, "I mean, worst case scenario, we camp out under the bleachers."

He straightened up, "as appealing as that sounds, I'd rather not take any chances." As if on cue a loud crack of thunder erupted through the sky, reverberating through the whole building.

"What?" She teased, "afraid of the big bad storm?" Another roar of thunder made her jump, she hadn't expected one so soon after the other. John laughed, something he rarely did. Annie smiled at him but the moment faded.

His usual serious expression returned, "We really should find the basement."

"Fine," She sighed, following him past the weight room. The stark white hall curved into a part of the building she'd never seen before. She rarely ever came to the gym since she opted out of PE last year. There were more numbered doors and a janitors closet but still no basement, "Maybe there isn't one," she said.

In the dark Annie could see the outline of John's profile as he chewed on his lower lip, "Can you think of anywhere else it would be?" he turned to her and she shrugged, trying not to look at him for too long, "We should look again." She followed John back out of the hallway and into the gym. Whatever small amounts of light that usually came in through the windows had given way to the dark clouds completely. Now the only light source came from John's flashlight. Thunder was still rolling and she was sure lightning was going off like a strobe light outside. An extremely loud wham of thunder struck the air and John stopped.

"What?" she asked.

He muttered his response and all she caught was "soon". Then, suddenly, everything started to shake. Annie was thrown sideways and knocked off her feet. She looked up to the see the hanging lights swinging in the rafters, cables snapped and fell and the rickety bleachers started to splinter and get tossed across the gym as if by their own accord. The floor seemed to be rolling like ocean tides and she couldn't think what to do besides curl into a ball and shut her eyes as tight as they would go. Then she heard screaming and realized it had to be John, he must have been hurt. Annie opened my eyes and tried to look around but everything was in constant motion and blurring. She imagined it was something like what being drunk was like.

She saw John a few yards away and tried to crawl towards him where he was slumped over in front of the bleachers, clutching his head, flashlight still in hand. As she got closer she realized he was bleeding, blood was all over his shirt. But then she stopped because she realized that blood couldn't glow-and John's blood seemed to be doing just that. The shaking stopped and John sat up, still screaming, and his blood, or whatever it was, was still glowing. And it seemed to be spreading, curling around his arms and legs, climbing up his neck and covering his face in an intricate design. She wondered if it was burning him and that's why he was screaming, but she had no idea what to do.

The screaming stopped and John slumped over, passed out.
All you need is 20 seconds of insane courage, and I promise you something great will come of it.

-Benjamin Mee
  





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Sat Jan 07, 2012 2:54 pm
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StellaThomas says...



hey Rory, Stella here!

I. NITPICKS

The whole town had been in upheaval all day.


I'd love to see the town's name at this point.

like on a Tuesday.


I love this phrase- but what makes this an unusual day?

picked up her, it was normal.


picked her up, perhaps?

"I think it's locked!" She shouted against the howling wind,


small s

"Does this building have a basement?" He asked.


Again, small h. Confused by dialogue punctuation? Check out this article by the fantastic Demeter.

facing the walls as teachers took role.


Get a second opinion, but I'm pretty sure it's "roll"

were kindergarden through eighth grade went,


where

II. THE SCHOOL TOUR

My main issue here is that the bulk of your chapter is describing the school as they go through. It's mundane to us, and imagine how dull it must be to Annie. She goes to the place every day. She probably knows every inch of the hallways, and we can all imagine it. So there's this huge middle portion of your story that I feel is a little redundant. We don't need a map of the school. What we do need is an atmosphere. Is it eerie being in the school by themselves? Can they hear the wind outside? How does Annie feel? Right now it just seems that she's bored. And if your character's bored then your reader probably is too.

So my advice is to change up what you have in the middle of this chapter. Consider cutting it out altogether. Instead think of dialogue- or Annie's thought process if there's no conversation. Live in the moment, and let us see the corridors she's passing through rather than giving us this bird's eye view of the school.

III. OVERALL

This was an interesting opening! The whole thing about glowing blood was intriguing- I think you need to put a little more emphasis on it. I like how you weave in the oddities concerning Annie's father- although I'd like to see a little more of Annie's own personality, not to mention John's, shining through. But mostly, I like how you introduce this!

Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!

-Stella x
"Stella. You were in my dream the other night. And everyone called you Princess." -Lauren2010
  








You unlock this door with the key of imagination. Beyond it is another dimension: a dimension of sound, a dimension of sight, a dimension of mind. You’re moving into a land of both shadow and substance, of things and ideas. You’ve just crossed over into… the Twilight Zone.
— Rod Serling