z

Young Writers Society


chapter 1 of Calisan and the Lantern of Deceit



Random avatar


Gender: None specified
Points: 915
Reviews: 1
Mon Jan 02, 2012 4:44 pm
dallascow222 says...



Deleted.
  





User avatar



Gender: None specified
Points: 1144
Reviews: 4
Tue Jan 03, 2012 5:30 pm
PersephoneMary says...



dallascow222 wrote:The moon was shining as bright as its sister, the sun, had just a few hours before. Calisan moved up a little bit closer to the antiquated oak tree. He leaned in closer to firmly press his ear to the trunk. The bark smelled of fire. There were no leaves just dead branches. Calisan looked up at the sky. It had an eerie taste to it tonight. A score of stars were visible in just this tiny window of light. It was not usual for this many stars to be shining at once. At that moment he saw something run across a fallen tree directly to his left. He slowly turned his head with extreme attentiveness. He did this because he has heard of stories of strange beasts that lurk the woods of Starrowyn Forest
He pulled out an arrow out of his back, his ears slowly twitching in the wind. His eyes widened at the sight of what he saw.
The eyes were of feint silver with a thin tinted blue. The body was riddled with a silver flesh. Its mouth smelled of an urgent need of hunger. Calisan guardedly took cover by that same oak tree.

The beast didn't fully see him.


This is all great stuff!!! The imagry throughout the entire chapter is great, but I wanted to pick out the first paragraph because that is what most people struggle with! I think you have executed this very well. The line at the end of teh quote doesnt sound quite right, but I wouldn't worry. perhaps "The beast did not see him in his entirety, but it could sense him" something like that, just the 'fully' is a little colloquial. Again only a minor detail but just have a think about it. There are a few other examples of this, but they are so minor I wouldn't worry. Try reading it aloud to yourself and seeing if it flows well, which I am glad to say 99% of this does :D Also in the line 'He pulled out an arrow out..." You don't need both out's, but I do that all the time when I am writing so again don't worry :D It is a great suspensful start to what should be a mystical and exciting story :) A great way to start a novel is with fast paced suspence, especially fantasy. Well done!!!
Mary x
  





User avatar
565 Reviews



Gender: Male
Points: 1395
Reviews: 565
Thu Jan 05, 2012 11:00 pm
Stori says...



I noticed that you sometimes switch to present tense. It shouldn't be hard to find and correct. Also, arrows are kept in a quiver; he wouldn't pull one from his back unless someone had shot him.
  





User avatar
37 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 805
Reviews: 37
Fri Jan 06, 2012 1:41 am
JudyG710 says...



I really do like the story. The concept is great, and I like the characters and the descriptions that were in there. The beginning line I had a minor problem with, and a few of those beginning sentences could probably be combined to make them seem less like run-ons. That's just how I see it though. Overall, I truly did like the story. If there is more to come, I can't wait to read it. Anyway, keep writing, and may the Force be with you.
"Always believe in yourself. Do this, and no matter where you are, you will have nothing to fear." - Baron Humbert von Gikkingen
JudyG <3
  








No man or woman who tries to pursue an ideal in his or her own way is without enemies.
— Daisy Bates