Young Writers Society

1. Magic School
Tara closed her eyes and inhaled, her brow creased in concentration. She felt a slight breeze swirl around the room, winding its way across the open space. This, she tried to block out, instead, focusing on the slight tingle of energy in the air. She pictured a deep void. Swirling across this black expanse were shapes, each surrounded by one of four auras - green, yellow, blue, and red, all in slightly different shades. She reached out into this void, aiming to pluck one of the shapes from the void. She spotted the one she was after - one surrounded by a very bright and strong yellow. Her fingers closed around the indiscernible shape. She pulled her arm back towards herself and sighed when she saw that the shape that she had chosen was once again swirling away in the void.
Tara broke her concentration and opened her eyes. She ran her hands over her face and flopped to the soft, padded floor. "Still nothing," she said, her voice full of misery, "I still can't make out the individual symbols either, they all just appear as blurred shapes surrounded by the auras." A sigh escaped her lips. The tall woman standing at the front of the room looked down at her with pity.
"You'll get there," she said. Tara just shook her head, hiding her bright hazel eyes behind her long honey brown locks. The woman took three long paces forward and sat down beside her. She then put her arm around Tara's shoulders, providing what minimal comfort she could for Tara. Tara kept her eyes focused on the floor.
"It's hopeless!" she exclaimed, "I'm never going to be able to use the Runes. I'll be a magic-less nobody - no, I'll be worse than a nobody, I'll be an incompetent loser who nobody likes because she has no magic."
"You shouldn't think like that!" the woman scolded.
"But it's true."
"No it isn't!" Tara let out another sigh, struggling to hold in a sob. She'd do just about anything to be able to use the Great Runes and be a part of the magical community - the majority of people in the Kingdom of Cymus.
"I better go now, it's getting late," Tara finally said. This time, it was the woman who sighed, wrapping her golden locks around her delicate fingers. 'Maybe I could run away to Samath. From what I've heard, they don't have magic there. I could be normal there until I gain the ability to perform magic if that ever happens, then I could move back here,' thought Tara. She then pushed herself up off the floor and started heading for the door. The woman quickly followed, her light footsteps barely making any noise against the mat.

Tara walked through the front door, tracing her fingers along the fine wood as she passed. "I'm back!" She shouted, letting her father know that she was home. For a brief moment, she thought about her mother who died a not long after she was born. From what her father had told her, she had her mother's eyes and her soft rose-coloured lips, matched against her father's pale skin.
"Hey Tara!" her father called out. 'He's probably in the kitchen,' Tara thought, 'cooking dinner.'
"Hey!" she called out in reply, heading towards the kitchen. As she approached the door leading to the kitchen, the smell of roast chicken filled the air. Tara inhaled deeply, enjoying the scent of her favourite food. Then, her stomach grumbled loudly. She entered the kitchen and noticed that she was right; her father was in the kitchen.
"Any improvement today?" her father asked.
"No," Tara replied sourly.
"Don't worry, you'll get it soon enough." Tara bit her lip, not having the heart to give her father a sarcastic or snarky reply. Unfortunately, her father noticed the unhappy glint in her eyes. "Don't think like that." Tara just slumped down into an oak dining chair. Her father took the chicken out of the oven and started carving it up. Tara started tracing a pattern against the table's dark wood, not realising that she was tracing the shapes of the four Runes: earth, air, water, and fire - each corresponding to one of the four gods of Cymus. "Here, you can have some extra skin; I know how much you love the skin." Tara nodded her thanks.
After dinner, Tara walked up the stairs and into her room. She pulled shut her lilac curtains and sat on her bed, thinking about the day's events. In a few weeks time, the rest of her magic class would be graduating from second year to third year, moving onto a more practical side of magic, instead of the basics and a lot of theory work. She really had to catch up. Things are bad enough at the moment, a lot of the novices are doing better than she is. And even though he doesn't show it, her father is disappointed that she doesn't have his exceptional magical talents. Tara stood up and walked to her drawers. She then lit her candle, enjoying the light smell of oranges that it emitted. 'I wouldn't be surprised if I don't graduate this year,' she thought to herself, 'I probably won't ever graduate, instead, I'll be a drop-out. At least my regular schooling is fine. But in this society, that doesn't really matter.' Tara then went to the bathroom and brushed her teeth, preparing for bed. Just as she finished, a loud tune started coming from her pocket. She quickly snatched her phone out of her pocket and answered it. "Hello?"
"Hey, it's me!"
"Hey Michael, what's up?"
"I was just wondering, are you doing anything tomorrow night?"
"Why?"
"Well... Well I was wondering if you wanted to come to my place and hang out."
"Sorry, I've got work to do. Thanks anyway." Tara hoped her lie worked, wanting to avoid Michael's house because of its more obvious magical presence. She hated having to let him down, but she just couldn't stand having stare magic in the face like that. It sucked, A lot.
"Well that sucks. So I'll see you tomorrow at school then."
"Yeah, bye."
"Bye." Tara hung up then. She run her hand along the silver casing, trying not to think about the slight glow that it emitted, showing the presence of magic underneath. She then pocketed her phone and headed back to her room. When she got to her room, she changed into her pyjamas and got into bed. She pulled her sheets up to her chin and closed her eyes, allowing herself to drift into a hopefully peace sleep.

The next morning, Tara was preparing for an early magic class, hoping that today would be the day that she finally could use the Great Runes to perform the magic. 'I should try something very basic this time, something so easy that you only need a tiny scrap of magical ability to perform,' she thought. 'I think I should do a wind spell. A small movement of air using a soft yellow coloured symbol. It would even be good if the symbols were clear today. I can draw them all by heart; I just can't see them when I enter the Source.' These bright thoughts lightened her mood. "Today is going to be a good day," She said aloud, hoping that verbalizing the idea will help it become reality. Tara continued pulling a brush through her hair, untangling the mess and listening to the bird calls that filled the morning air.
After brushing her hair, she went to her wardrobe, choosing a pale blue blouse and some white three-quarter pants for the day. She quickly changed into these clothes and headed downstairs. Then, she went into the kitchen and poured herself a bowl of cereal. She added milk and sat down at the table. Her father was already there, reading the newspaper on his new block: a magic-powered device that acts as a portable word processer. "What's new?" she asked.
"The King is talking about plans for his son's official coronation as the Prince of Cymus."
"Cool, anything else?"
"There's some news circling about a new rule relating to magic."
"Ugh." Tara ate her last spoonful of cereal and then placed it in the sink. "I'm off to magic class now. See you later, bye."
"Bye Tara, don't forget to pick up some eggs on the way home."
"I won't!" Tara walked out the door, pulling her backpack over her shoulders as she did.

"Morning Ms. Hastings," Tara said, waving to her magic tutor. She waved back, her skin slightly glowing with magic. Tara wondered what spell she was using; obviously an easy one as she could still pay attention to the on-goings of her surroundings. I watched as the glow faded from her body. "So, what spell were you doing?" Tara asked.
"You should know. Didn't you pay attention to the colour?"
"Well, actually, no."
"Oh well. My friend was showing me the chocolate ice-cream sundae that she was about to eat." Ms. Hastings started describing the sundae. According to her, it was made from soft-serve vanilla ice-cream in a round, shallow crystal bowl. Chocolate sauce and chocolate shavings were layered on top, accented with more ice-cream. The chocolate sauce was a rich hot fudge with choc-chips mixed through it. The chocolate shavings were delicate precise, artistically placed. More chocolate chips were sprinkled on top. That sprinkling was covered with some light, wispy cream. Tara was sure that it would have been absolutely delicious to eat, much better than her bowl of cereal that she had earlier.
"I'm jealous of your friend," Tara replied.
"Me too. Okay now. Let's start with some light meditation to help you relax. So sit down and clear your head for a few minutes." Tara complied, gently setting herself down on the mat and closing her eyes. The calm came on easily - a result that came from lots of practice: an unfortunate side-effect of having all these extra classes.
Tara snapped back to reality at the sound of Ms. Hastings voice. "Stand up and focus on the Source. I want you to try and pull out a fire rune, one that will create a ball of fire to throw at an object." Tara closed her eyes and breathed in deeply. She was then once again in the endless void of the Source. The Runes were once again unrecognisable shapes. At this notion, her resolve faltered. Tara scrambled to regain concentration as white flickered across her sightless vision. She relaxed a little when the black void stopped flickering. She beamed internally at this small triumph, then stopped in her tracks as she noticed that all the symbols were gone, all except for the one that she was after. This symbol was floating stationary right in front of her, its image wavering slightly. 'Well this is new,' she thought. And then she lost it. Reality snapped back into place as she was forced from the Source. "What happened then?" enquired Ms. Hastings, "I saw you falter for a bit but then you recovered."
"I'm not too sure. I was losing my grip, then I refocused and it was different..."
"How was it different?"
"The void was still there but all the Runes were missing except one - the one that I was after. I could make its shape out - each individual line, but it was wavering. It shocked my quite a lot, then I lost concentration and "returned"."
"Interesting. I've never heard of that happening before." Confusion creased Ms. Hastings brow. Excitement turned Tara's lips into a smile. She was beaming at this unusual revelation. It wasn't everything, but it was something - something that she could really hold on to and start thinking that she might eventually gain magical ability. Her father would be so proud. Things were really starting to look up. Tara was so happy that it nearly brought tears to her eyes. "Well, anyway. Let's call it a day. You head home and I'll see if I can find anything about your little experience." Ms. Hastings waved her goodbye as they left the room.

I think I might rewrite a few of the later chapters.

Hey ninjas!

Just a couple of things...

Obviosuly, you are a good writer who knows how to take a simple story and to make something out of it. Tara, poor Tara, seems to have the magical aptitude of a gnat, which is highly unfortunate. And, maybe she's seen something particularly relevant in her last vision!

Anyway... a couple of suggestions:


1. Make the magic more fluid.

Right now, you have a bunch of visual descriptions of the magic. This is an okay start. But, one would think magic is more sensual than just visual. See if you can describe it in other ways than just the visual.


2. Make Tara not knowing magic more meaningful.

Right now, it kind of feels like, "Aw, Tara doesn't know algebra. Oh well." Why is magic so important? Make sure we know! For example using the algebra example, it would be one thing if Tara had a hard time learning algebra where the majority of people all knew algebra, but went on to be world-famous chefs. It would be quite another thing if she was expected to be an engineer... for that reason, the lack of knowledge of algebra would pretty much cripple her entirely.

We have an idea that most people use magic. But, why do they use magic? Is it just to know how to use magic, or is it something deeper? The way you have written it, it's not clear whether this is important. And I know that in most fantasies, magic is always important. But, I would argue that most of those fantasies are bad fantasies because they rely on presumptions that probably ought to be questioned. Why is magic so good? Why does magic have to be present in every individual? What if someone doesn't have this magic? Do they get rejected from society or something? Do they have anywhere to go? What is this magic used for, primarily? Secondarily?

You've probably answered all these questions already as you did your world-building. But, you need to have the answers to these questions pop out. So, they use magic for telepathy of sorts. But, not all the time because they talk with each other and they can presumedly see without the magic. So, this telepathy is just an added bonus, not something crucial to their society.

...are you starting to see what I am saying?

Make this important.


3. Why does everybody's life revolve around Tara?

Okay! So I get it. Everybody likes her because she's so nice, etc. But really? It seems like everybody's life is revolving around her. So, you have the private tutoring lessons, the father who is merely sympathetic, and the boy that probably likes her, but she can't stand because he has too much magic and she gets embarrassed. These people are not bad by themselves! Nor am I suggesting that you have to add more characters who don't like Tara and even hate her. But... why do their lives seem to revolve around her?

I don't know what your family situation is, but my parents and I (even though I am older) are pretty close still. My dad, in particular, cares a lot for me. But, even he doesn't just ask about me and then fade away in the background. Sometimes he'll crack jokes, other times he'll tell me about what happened with him... he is wonderfully alive! And I am kind of missing this feeling of life from your character.

Also. The teacher. I did private tutoring before. It's fun. And I can tell you that it's a lot of work and sometimes it's very frustrating. When you are tutoring, you are very much concerned with your student. So, I guess you could make it so that the tutor doesn't really have any life beyond Tara. Still, as a successful tutor... well... that's not a very successful way of teaching. At all. In fact, Ms. Hastings pretty much fails at tutoring. You have to be able to interact with your student. You have to be able to understand what is important (and not important) to the student in order to reach this student. In short, you have to know your student and have a solid relationship of trust with them. It's just essential. So, your students know (if only a little) about you so that they know you are human (an important thing, really!) and you know a lot about your student. You know about different learning styles and how to cater to them, and you can adapt to all of these learning styles.

Ms. Hastings? Yeah. She obviously knows nothing, otherwise she would suggest looking at the colors instead of the shapes, because obviously Tara is more in tune with her tactile senses (she touches the colors instead of perceiving them) and doesn't really help Tara at all in figuring out what she can do to offset this.

...rant, rant, rant.

It would be interesting to see what the boy was up to as well. I am guessing (or hoping) that he has ulterior motives for letting her in.

ANYWAY. I want more characters than just Tara! Right now, everybody seems to be reflections of Tara rather than real people.

Thanks Snoink. This will really help when I do a round of editing. I knew there was a gaping plot whole somewhere, but I just couldn't find it.

Hey, Ninja/Jaetwee!
I'm here as requested!

First impression: Well, this was interesting chapter. I can already feel sympathetic for Tara - already I know what it feels like. I'm behind with my photography coursework! However, I totally agree with Snoink here about the fact that there seems to be nothing wrong with not-knowing magic, especially that there's the option of going to normal society. In Harry Potter for example, it was a shame for some to not know magic. Surely there'd be something similar? I mean, what would the people who know that she doesn't know magic and she failed think?

But anyway... Nitpick time!

"Hey Tara!" her father called out. 'He's probably in the kitchen,' Tara thought, 'cooking dinner.'

Here, I think it'd be clearer if there was a separate paragraph, as the separate lines for separate speakers rule would probably still apply.

Second nitpick - at the beginning, you refer to the lady there as "The Woman". Who is the woman? It didn't seem necessary to call her 'the Woman' as there didn't seem to be any point to it.

My final nitpick is the purpose of the call. What is the purpose of it here? It seemed pretty out of place, to me.


So, Snoink made some pretty good points. I agree about the magic needing to be more fluid. About the magic, at the very end, I think I'd have liked to see Tara's reaction. She has a chance to be able to succeed now when before she didn't. Was she jumping home? Did she feel that all the guilt from not doing her family proud lifted off her? What was her reaction like? You could indirectly reveal a lot on the character on it.

Also, I'd have liked to see more on Tara and her family's relationship. How does he think about her not doing well?

Just a few thoughts. Anyway, I hope I helped and thanks for requesting!

Keep Writing!

-Mac