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Revil - Chapter 1



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Tue Nov 22, 2011 9:03 pm
kasimkaey says...



‘My name is Antonio Khan. I live in London. I have a hot girlfriend and a cool best friend. That’s all that you really need to know about me.’

‘So what do you think?’ He spoke into the microphone embedded into the bottom of the laptop, his eyes focussing on the girl’s reaction on the other end of the connection.

The girl on the other end of the line crinkled her button-nose in apparent disgust. And then laughed, her white teeth. ‘I’m not that hot Bug, really?’ She shook her head.

‘Yeah, because I’m obviously going out with you because of your amazing personality and brains.’ He said, the sarcasm dripping from his words.

‘Well why else would you? I mean, I am the perfect package.’ She shrugged her shoulders with an unconcerned expression on her face.

‘Yes. Of course, that is why I love you so much.’ A cheesy grin spread across his face, his nose crinkling in the process.

‘Love you too, you cheesy, cheesy person.’ She smiled back and then set her features into an expression of seriousness. ‘Now give me your Facebook password and I’ll make you a bio that’ll just be as awesome as I am.’ She stuck her hand up at the webcam, screwing her eyebrows together.

He sighed. ‘Fine. You only know how to do these because you’re such a chav.’ Typing his password on the laptop, he sent it to her.

‘Oh my God. This is not your password.’ She laughed at the screen. Seeing his face turn red, she shook her own in disbelief. ‘Oh Antonio, Antonio, Antonio.’

‘Shurrup.’ He stared at her with annoyance on his face. ‘It’s not like I’d ever forget that password so yeah. Shurrup. ‘ He glowered at her and then noticed a change in her expression. Her eyebrows bunched together and she bit her lip. A lock of hair fell across her face, hiding her eyes but he was sure he had seen them fill with tears. ‘What’s wrong?’ A concerned look ran across his face.

Changing her expression to one of confusion, he could see her brain whirring into action. ‘Nothing, I just miss you is all.’ She shrugged. ‘Can you blame me really?’ Her white teeth flashed again.

He looked at her suspiciously. ‘You’ll be back before you know it.’ Smiling, he couldn’t help but feel that there was something she wasn’t telling him when his screen went blank. Moving his finger over the touchpad, he hit the spacebar and then looked at the wire trailing from behind it. Understanding flickered across his face.

The charger wire was wrapped around the bed leg so much; it had been pulled out of the plug. Sighing at his father’s lack of organisation, he put the laptop on his desk and took his phone out. Sending her a quick text, he put his hands behind his head and stared at the ceiling.



Antonio Khan had the perfect life. Being mixed race, his father Asian and mother Caucasian, he was good-looking, in a relaxed way. His green eyes stood out from others, his raven black hair cropped short. His grades were above average and his girlfriend could be described the same.

Selena Khan was the girl that he was in love with. The two had met at their secondary school, meeting in the first year. It was from there that they had become friends and, finally, started a relationship with each other. She had beautifully proportioned features, her black hair and green eyes complimenting them.

Mustafa Mohammed was Antonio’s best friend. The two had met in tutorial at college and, even though they had only known each other for a year, they were inseparable. Selena detested him. She had seen how he acted around girls, how he thought of them; she didn’t like him.



‘Tony Montana!’ His father attempted an Italian accent, grabbing his shoulders and shaking them to wake him.

‘Daa-aadd! It’s the holidays!’ Trying to burrow under the covers, he kicked out at where he thought his father was. He missed.

‘That means nothing to me. It’s six in the morning. Time for the gym.’ Clapping his hands, he activated the blinds which opened up to reveal the sun, the brightness blinding Antonio. ‘I want you down in half an hour.’ Leaving his son half-blind, he walked down the stairs and waited in the kitchen, two gym bags waiting ominously.

6.25; Antonio slipped down the stairs, picked up the gym bag and walked towards the door. His father followed soon after.

For the past four years, Bug and his father had been going to the gym every morning at six thirty. It had become a tradition for his father to wake him up in the early hours of the morning and drag him to the gym for an hour and a half. During this time, both would do rigorous exercise. Going to the gym every morning for four years had its ups and its downs. Although he lost out on a huge amount of sleep in the holidays, he now had a body that most guys would kill for.



Getting back from the gym, he had a shower and sat on the side of his bed, his mind subjective to boredom. He didn’t have anything to do.

His girlfriend was currently on her way back from London and was asleep on the motorway. The best friend was supposed to be coming back from Italy. Although he had planned a surprise welcome back party for the both of them, it didn’t start up until six in the evening. He had a whole morning of boredom. And then an evening of partying.

But it was just a matter of waiting.

Ten’ o’clock…

Eleven’ o’clock…

Twelve‘ o’clock…

One’ o’clock…

He was just about ready to kill himself out of boredom when his phone vibrated with the strength of a jackhammer. Fumbling around in his pocket, he took it out to see that Mustafa’s plane had been delayed. Sighing, he replaced his phone back into his pocket for it to only go off again.

Nearly dropping it, he unlocked the phone and read the text.

Dude!!! Im back :)) meet up? i need to see ur face ;) two weeks of webcam just dont cut it :L xx

Almost breaking his phone in the process, he texted back as fast as he could and leapt down the stairs, took fifty quid of his mother and was out of the door before she could voice a protest.



Meeting his girlfriend had to be the highlight of his entire day and so, it was to no wonder that he raced to her house as fast as he could.

Panting on her front step, he texted her to come out and waited for a response. There was none. Not even a movement of the curtains from her room to see if he was there or not. Frowning at his phone, he tapped his foot with impatience, worry lines written on his face.

Five minutes later there was still no response from either his phone or the house. Thinking the worst he possibly could, he phoned her.

‘I’m waiting outside your house?’ He said, worry creeping in his voice.

‘I’m still in the car, give me five minutes yeah? And like you’re so cute when you’re worried.’ Laughing, she put the phone down.

Another five minutes passed, and he saw her dad’s car come down the road. A sleek BMW. But for now, he couldn’t care less about the car; he was just there to see the person within the car.

Stepping towards the car, he opened the door for her to come out. And there she was, the love of his life. Hugging her, he placed his hand around her stomach only to get a warning cough from her father. ‘Mr Khan,’ he said, putting his hand out for a handshake. Her father, it seemed, didn’t like him very much, as he threw a suitcase into his hand and pointed towards the house.

‘Still doesn’t like me very much does he?’ He whispered to Selena.

‘Not really. He thinks I can do better but I repeatedly tell him that I can’t. And even if I could, I wouldn’t.’ Smiling at him, she took the suitcase out of his hand and dumped it in the front room. ‘Me and Bug are going to go out for a bit OK Dad?’ Throwing a smile at her dad, she took Bug’s hand and dragged him down the road before her dad had a chance to even begin thinking of something to say.

As they walked down the road, Selena grabbed him round the waist and brought him next to her. Biting her lip, she looked into his eyes and kissed him. They stood there like that for a minute or so until she pulled away and laid her head on his chest. ‘Damn I missed you Bug.’

‘Yeah I have that effect on people.’ He said, smiling because he finally had her back. ‘Tell me again why you call me Bug?’

‘You know why! I called you Tony and then Ant. You didn’t like neither and ants are bugsss. So now your name is Bug.’ Smiling to herself, she moved away from him. Grabbing his hand, she pulled him as she walked up ahead. ‘You know I love you right?’

‘Yeah, I do.’

‘Good. Then you won’t hate me when I tell you that I went through your Facebook inbox and found out that you’ve planned a surprise party for me at 6.’ Winking at him, she ran up ahead as he tried to make sense of what she had just said.

‘YOU DID WHAT?!’ Running after her, he laughed. ‘I’m so gonna get you for that!’

Catching her after a few seconds, he picked her up and knocked her head with hers. ‘You’re so bad like that. Nosy!’ She winked at him again and then kissed him.

His life was perfect.



The party was going to take place at his friend’s house whose parents had allowed them to take it for the day. It was a huge four-storey house with its own swimming pool. The perfect place to host a party full of 16-17 year olds.

‘Alright, a lot of effort has gone into this party so act like you didn’t know? For me?’ He looked into her eyes.

‘Yeah, yeah okay. I’m leaving this party early anyway, and then me and you can go to your house and into the bedroom.’ Laughing at the expression on his face, she said ‘I’m joking, I’m joking.’ Wrapping her arms around his neck she ordered him to drag her to the party. Instead, he picked her up and took her there.

‘Ohhh groosssss!’ Yelled one of the people at the party as they entered. ‘Get a room!’

From there on, the party was a blur of people greeting Selena, people meeting Bug, laughing, joking. And then, there was one guy that always had to take it fun to another level by bringing some form of drug or alcohol. Tonight, it was Mustafa’s older brother.

Mustafa’s older brother was an 18 year old college drop out. Ever since he had failed his two years at college, he had used his parents’ money to buy drugs and became the towns ‘junkie’. They called him Asif ‘Crackhead’ Mohammed. Mainly because he was always high.

‘Asif!’ Shouted Bug. His younger brother may have been Bug’s best friend, but he had no feelings for him at all.

Grabbing him by the arm, he dragged him to the door and threw him out of the house. ‘Dude, you know it’s kinda funny how many times I’ve thrown your ass out. Now leave.’ The strange glint in his eyes forced Asif to leave.

Grabbing his arm, Selena came and brushed his hair out of his eyes. ‘You okay?’

Nodding, he took her hand and told everyone that they were leaving. Taking her out of the house, he stood her up against the wall and knocked his forehead up against hers. Stroking her chin, he kissed her lightly and then placed his hand on her face. Staring into her eyes, he realised that she was the one that he wanted, the one that he had to have for the rest of his life.

‘You love me right?’ he asked. Nodding her hand, she looked up at him curiously. ‘Good, good. ‘Cos I love you to, more then I ever thought I possibly could.’ Laying his head on hers, he thanked God for letting him have such a perfect life.



Returning home after the party, after walking Selena home, he walked into his house to find his parents sitting down in the living room. Sitting down across them, he smiled and waited for either of them to speak about how late he had come or how Selena was. But they didn’t.

His mother looked as though she was going to cry and his father was sat there emotionless.

Something bad had happened.

Reaching over, he touched his mother’s hand. Looking at her, he spoke. ‘What’s happened?’ She said nothing. He turned to look at his father. But he slowly shook his head, staring deadpan at the wall across him, as though he was trying to work out if there was a code imbedded into the wallpapering.

‘What’s happened?!’ He shouted, the tension getting to him.

‘Your mother has suffered a miscarriage.’ His father spoke with all the emotion of the sofa he was sitting on.

‘Wait, what? You have to be pregnant for that to happen?’ He looked at his mother and then his father. And then realisation crept onto his face. ‘So you were pregnant and now you’re not?’

His father nodded but his mother didn’t move, her face resolute.

‘Mom?’ The word left his mouth before he could stop it.

Hearing it, she turned her face towards him, her eyes brimming with tears. She slowly shook her head and then sniffed. Antonio got up and then made to walk out of the room. ‘I’m, erm, I’m sorry.’ His mind was blurry, his thoughts sluggish and slow.

Lying on his bed, his brain threw up images of Selena, of his mother, of his father. He sighed and then turned on his side, a tear falling down his face. Sniffing, he wiped it and closed his eyes.
  





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Tue Nov 22, 2011 10:06 pm
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annaseale1998 says...



My brain is literally on the verge of exploding with typos right now. Some of the things below arn't typos, but things I think you should change.

the other end of the connection.

The girl on the other end of the line

Here, you're repeating yourself. For the second sentence, I think it should be 'The girl on the screen'.

And then laughed, her white teeth.

This is a typo, it doesn't make sense. Were you trying to say something like: 'And then laughed, her white teeth shining in the light'?

‘I’m not that hot Bug, really?’

I think this should be: 'I'm not that hot, am I?' Or have a comma before 'Bug'.

‘Love you too, you cheesy, cheesy person.’

You have too many 'cheesy's. And it seems a little bit like an insult, and yet she loves him. I think she should just say 'Love you too.' Also, when Bug is being sarcastic, that seems like a MAJOR insult.

'Shurrup'

Please don't make Bug say 'shurrup'. I honestly don't know why, but how you've spelt this word just annoys me.

Selena Khan

If this isn't a typo, then you need to change it. It's too strange that they have the same surname.

The best friend

I think you should change this to 'his best friend'

Mustafa Mohammed was Antonio’s best friend...

In this section of the chapter, you have three paragraphs, each describing a character. This just seems like you, as the author, are telling us information outright, instead of linking it into the story. Maybe you should describe Mustafa when Bug is being texted. Maybe describe Selena at the beginning. Describe Bug throughout the entire story.

Bug

Antonio. Bug. You need to pick one. You keep switching, and at the moment, they seem like two different characters to me.

6.25

You really just don't need this. It's more information than your reader needs, so it's unnecessary.

‘My name is Antonio Khan. I live in London. I have a hot girlfriend and a cool best friend. That’s all that you really need to know about me.’

I think you should put this in itallics, because he's not really telling someone this, he's reading something. It's a little confusing as it is.

:L xx

I know from PMs that this is you speaking, not your character. Replace it with something else, or chuck it, I think.

of his entire day and so, it was to no wonder

*of his entire day, and so it was to no wondor

he phoned her.

I think you should change it to 'he called her' because you've used the word 'phone' a lot of times. This is just a minor thing, though.

‘I’m waiting outside your house?’

Change the ? to a .

‘Damn I missed you Bug.’

'Damn, I missed you, Bug.'

‘Tell me again why you call me Bug?’

Again, this seems like information for the sake of telling the reader something. You should have Bug asking this question, or having the narration say this at the beginning, or as soon as Selena calls him bug.

‘Yeah I have that effect on people.’

'Yeah, I have that effect on people.'

‘YOU DID WHAT?!’

Lower case, so it seems more like he's joking around and not actually mad with her.

bugsss

Just 'bugs' will do here.

Mainly because he was always high.

This is implied, you don't need to spell it out for your reader.

have been Bug’s best friend

I thought Bug was still friends with Mustafa?

knocked his forehead up against hers.

You've already used this phrase. Try not to repeat yourself.

Something bad had happened.

This is completely obvious. You don't need to say it.

‘Wait, what? You have to be pregnant for that to happen?’

'Wait, what? I thought you had to be pregant for that to happen?'

Ok, so my main problem is that it wildly differs from your prologue. But I suppose that just intrigues me, I'm interested to see how the two characters' lives get intertwined. I'd go through all the great stuff, but that'd take ages. Great job, Kasim, but you need to take more care with your grammar. There are more mistakes than the ones I've listed above.
"For whether a place is a hell or a heaven rests in yourself, and those who go with courage and an open mind may find themselves in Paradise." - Eva Ibbotson (Journey to the River Sea)
  





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Tue Nov 22, 2011 10:27 pm
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StoryWeaver13 says...



‘My name is Antonio Khan. I live in London. I have a hot girlfriend and a cool best friend. That’s all that you really need to know about me.’ Ha ha, I love this beginning. I'm very picky about beginnings, and will even sometimes stop reviewing after the first 3 paragraphs if I'm not drawn in. You've succeeded in grabbing my attention in a few tiny lines.


‘Yeah, because I’m obviously going out with you because of your amazing personality and brains.He said, the sarcasm dripping from his words. I love your nice witty dialogue between these two. Just a couple grammar issues that are pretty commonplace, that I don't feel like fixing throughout the story. I do want to know why you don't use real quotation marks while they're talking though. I can't really find a reason for it.


You mention the girlfriend/wife/whatever their current situation is with his last name. Since you introduce them in their high school years, you should probably bring her in with her maiden name, because without it it made me think "sister," not "girlfriend." But then, he's addressed with the last name Montana....I'm kinda reviewing this as I read, so I suppose this might just be one of those "you'll-understand-in-a-minute" things.

Meeting his girlfriend had to be the highlight of his entire day and so, it was to no wonder that he raced to her house as fast as he could. This line just seemed a little unnecessary to me, since it's kind of back-tracking and maybe even playing down what's already been said. Just a nit-picky thing again.



‘I’m still in the car, give me five minutes yeah? And like you’re so cute when you’re worried.’ Laughing, she put the phone down. Gives off an air-headed vibe. I know I say "like" a lot myself, but there are just certain places where "like" can't be said without sounding a little ditzy. Unless that's the intention.



‘You know why! I called you Tony and then Ant. You didn’t like neither and ants are bugsss. So now your name is Bug.’ Smiling to herself, she moved away from him. Grabbing his hand, she pulled him as she walked up ahead. ‘You know I love you right?’ The name explanation didn't completely make sense just because of the phrasing of this line.


I don't understand the point of introducing Asif for such a short amount of time. It would've been interesting to see a deeper amount of conflict between him and the other characters, to kind of get a feel for him and the vibe of the situation, before you sent him away.

Then, you end on another strange sort of curb-ball. Suddenly, your parents have announced a miscarriage with a child no one knew they were expecting. This doesn't seem to have much place in your story, and honestly if you want to make this an aspect of where your story's going I would wait until we've built a connection with the parents and possibly even seen their initial excitement about expecting another child. It's hard to have a sudden fall when nothing's risen yet.

Anyway, I think this has potential. What really makes this interesting is the two main characters, who have a really interesting relationship. I would say play around with this story a little and sort out what direction you're aiming for, but this definitely has potential.
Keep writing,
StoryWeaver
Reading is one form of escape. Running for your life is another. ~Lemony Snicket
  





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Tue Nov 22, 2011 10:34 pm
kasimkaey says...



@storyweaver - thank you for the analysis of my chapter. However, I would say that this novel ha already been written? (If you check, I've uploaded the prologue if you want to read that) and I'm going to be gradually uploading all of it chapter by chapter and it'll become obvious (I hope) why I haven't spent much time and detail on the starting because it's not all that important in terms of the novel as a whole.
Again, thank you for your thoughts and suggestions.
Kasim.
  





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Thu Jan 05, 2012 9:12 pm
Blues says...



Hello, Kasim!
I'm here as requested. Let's get started!

After reviewing the last chapter, I'm interested to see what'll happen in this. I'd love to know all the motives and what was the story behind it. I'm intrigued, and I've not even read chapter one yet XD *Reads chapter*

My first impression: This was good. I don't think it was as good as the last one. It didn't feel as polished as the last one as there were a few mistakes etc. but I can see the purpose of this chapter, and I like how things begin to go wrong at the end.

Nitpicks
forget that password so yeah. Shurrup. ‘

Up there, that speech mark at the end was facing the wrong way (how nitpicky XD)

You missed commas a lot. For example:

‘Still doesn’t like me very much, does he?’

‘Me and Bug are going to go out for a bit, OK Dad?’

‘You love me, right?’

I'm not going to point them all out, but do watch out.

Also, here, it feels like you're trying to tell the reader this piece of info. It doesn't feel... right:
‘Tell me again why you call me Bug?’


I'll be honest, it's an interesting nickname, but I wasn't really interested to know this. I was more interested to know what happened in the last chapter than the nickname at the moment. I'd like to know at some point, but here it doesn't feel ... natural.

buy drugs and became the town's


Missed an apostrophe there.

‘Mom?’ The word left his mouth before he could stop it.

Earlier, in the last chapter you said they were in London. This should be 'mum' because it's dialogue and they're speaking and they're British.

So, my main issue is that there seems to be a bit of info dumps about the best friend etc. I can understand about the town's junkie because it's relevant, but otherwise, we really don't need to know. It overloads the reader and is telling, instead of showing. We'd learn way more about those people if we saw their actions.

Also, I think the party scene is a bit short. I'll admit. I think it could've perhaps been made a bit longer. It was over before I knew it.

But, apart from that, well done. Keep Writing! :)

-Mac
  





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Fri Jan 06, 2012 12:20 pm
Benrobertringrose says...



Hello,

Overviews on the slight mistakes have been dealt with; I’m poor at that anyway so that’s a relief. So I'll focus on aspects such as my overall impression of the chapter. The start is interesting, a good insight into the characters personality. Again flows really well and your writing style is still impressing me. Enjoying your description of the characters, I have a vivid image of each of them, which as you know is always key. Your dialogue is believable, relatable for young people. I admire you for this, I find dialogue tricky at times. Its not a strong as the prologue but that’s to be expected. The ending was a shock, strangely out of context with the rest of the story which is a good thing. I’m still fully engaged and if it was a book I would be reading on! :)

Ben
  





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Sun Jan 15, 2012 11:27 pm
AllessandreP says...



Loved this one too! I'm curious to see how this guy turns into the killer later (if he does) Poor Mama,miscarriages are horrible, but it's kinda weird they did't tell their son...anyway, what exactly is secondary school?
Allessandre P
I was on here as Allessandre, but I changed my email and forgot about this site for a while. By the time I came back, I'd forgtten my password. My old account
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Sat Jan 28, 2012 3:34 am
AlfredSymon says...



Hey, I like it! Funny how things go from good to thrilling. Great twists, by the way! I simply love it! I can't stop waiting for the next!
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