Young Writers Society

Chapter 6
Asteroid 36N

***
A letter from Captain Fared Junior to his wife:
March 31st

Dearest Marie,
You have probably been watching the news recently, so I do not need to explain why I will not make it home for holidays. But this is not why I’m writing to you. There are some things you need to know, some things the news don’t know and probably, never will.
First off, there is no virus, no disease, so please do not worry about me. Though I ask you not to spread this information, because it’s in our interests to keep quiet. I know your head is full of questions, but you have to understand I cannot answer all of them. Not that I don’t trust you, it’s only that firstly I don’t know all the details, and secondly I am not allowed to share this.
Here’s all you need to know: there is no virus that can kill us by the thousands. But, it is something groundbreaking. A new, undiscovered species was found on that asteroid we dragged closer to Earth. We do not know what it is, or what it can do. But there is a lockdown, and noone is allowed out, you can probably understand why. I am not allowed out of sector 15, into the laboratories, it’s just our division simply sitting here and doing nothing.
I was on Atala, on that goddamned expedition to asteroid 36N... I wish I never even went there, so then I could be here with you.
I am afraid myself, we don’t know if this discovery will be beneficial, or disastrous, though it is too early to judge. I cannot say for sure when I can make it back. I send you my love, and please, don’t worry about me. I promise I will do everything just to see you as soon as possible.
I love you, Marie.
Wait just a little longer.
Fared.

***
A conversation between General McFlein and Kent Gand, a research professor (recorded on audio on March 31st, 21:47:26)

*sound of door opening*
GM: Got any news?
KG: Sir, we have told you everything we have found out. Research takes time.
GM: Well, there’s thousands of people out there who want to know what the heck is going on! We can’t tell lies to the public much longer. People are scared of this virus you made up!
KG: It’s not necessairly made up, general, because we don’t know what’s there.
GM: You do know what’s there! Right here, right now, tell me what you found, for Christ’s sake!
KG: .... Okay. Do you believe in the supernatural, general?
GM: This bullshit doesn’t work on me, Kent. Get to the point.
KG: I don’t know how else to describe it, sir.... It’s something untouchable... they look like smoke in a figure of a human, they make noises, but they are barely visible... they learn very fast, they can learn what we speak, how we move....
GM: ...Smoke figures?
KG: Exactly, sir. There is no other way to describe their appearance. They seem to learn from everything we’re doing... and we don’t know what they are, and how they survived outside their asteroid... yet. We need time, general.
GM: What about the lockdown?
KG: Keep it for now, sir. For now, we can let go of the people in all sectors, except sector 15. And, please make sure that they have no idea what we discovered....
GM: Please, don’t call them ‘supernatural’. Get on with your work, and I will sure do mine.
KG: General, I have a bad feeling about this.
GM: What?
KG: We don’t know what they are, they might be very dangerous. Very, very dangerous....
GM: It’s too late to do anything now, Kent. Money has been spent, lies have been spread. Get on with your work, please.

*sound of door shutting*


***
A speech made by Kent Gand on March 31st, 23:55:37

May I have your attention just for a moment.
I have an announcement to make.
I will get straight to the point here: every soldier and scientist from any other sector except this one may leave through the main doors of sector eleven, unless they wish to stay and help with the research. Can you pass this on, guys? Thanks.
Now, a message to the ones staying.
We have lots of work to do. I am very sorry you won’t make it home to your families, but we got orders. We have to find out what these smoky spirit-like creatures are. The sooner we know, the sooner we can announce this, the sooner people will know that there is no virus, the sooner we can become the famous scientists who found out what was on the asteroid. This can become a world-wide discovery. We will move science forward by miles. So, all I ask of you is to keep working hard, and please do not spread any information that we don’t have proof of.

Remember: we are innovators, discoverers, designers of a whole new concept in science.
That’s it from me.

***
Extract from a diary of a scientist in sector 15.
By Peter (surname edited out on request of family members)

March 31st
This is incredibly exciting. Kent’s speech really reminded me of what I am doing in this sector. I want to find out what the aliens are. This could be a breakthrough in science, and I will do my best to make sure it’s me who contributes to it as much as possible. Off to work now, night shift.

April 2nd
They are incredible. I have been writing reports day and night, and still my mind rebels at what I’m finding out every day. What they are, are shapeless figures made out of white smoke. But, they are quick learners - they learned how to look like humans, even how to talk, and communicate with us. The question that bothers me, along with all the other scientists with me - how are they still alive? They don’t eat, neither do they drink or sleep.

April 3rd
They are growing smarter and smarter. Along with that, they are losing their clarity, and colour. Some spirits that we’ve worked with become greyer than before, but as soon as we return the next day, they are white again. It’s very strange. Also, something that’s weird is that my friend Mark is acting very abnormal lately. He seems distraught, and like he’s in his own world. He says he’s just tired, but I guess we all are...
I am asked to move to another lab. Tomorrow, I will work alone with a spirit. Maybe, I will even talk to it. I am so excited, it’s unbelieveable. I have a great feeling about this.

April 7th
I am becoming increasingly tired. I cannot be bothered to write more than these lines. I need to get some sleep.

April 10th
I see no point in living. Life is grey. I don’t care about anything any longer....

April 11th
Something, something, something-g-g-g.... Laaaa-la-la-laaaa.... something is happ-pe-ni-ng!! I DON’T WANT TO DO THIS ANYMORE!!

April 12th
(pages ripped out)

April 13th
I have an urge. And urge that will not go away. It will not go. It will not go, it will not go!! I need to, I need to, I need to... get rid of this...
What the fuck is wrong with meeee?!!!?...

***
A conversation between General McFlein and Kent Gand
(recorded April 14th, 00:12:33)

*sound of door being swung open*
KG: Sir, we have to end this!
GM: Calm down, Kent. Tell me what happened.
KG: You want to know what happened? Two hours ago, one of our scientists broke a bottle full of acid, and used it to tear his co-worker’s chest and face to shreds, after running to his cabinet, and doing the same to himself. Mark is fucking dead. Peter is in hospital, he can’t speak, he can’t move, he keeps humming to himself, like a mad man! Peter has always been enthusiastic, humble, caring. He would have never fucking done that! It is the spirits. It’s those ... aliens, those demons, it’s them who have done it! They control us, our emotions...
GM: Kent, I can’t shut down the sector, what will people think?
KG: Do you think I give a shit about what people feel right now?! One of us is dead! We cannot go on like this, what if this happens again? Sir, I told you all along this was a bad idea!!
GM: I will restrict access to the spirits, but I cannot do more. All of you have to stay.
KG: Stay?! We all want to leave!! It was your damn idea to bring the asteroid closer, and now because of you, a man is dead!
GM: Kent.... I want you to continue the study.
KG: No way in hell.
GM: You are sick. So are all of you. You need to find out what’s causing this.
KG: No....no.... you can’t do this, you don’t have the rights...
GM: The hell I do. I feel sorry for Mark and Peter, but we have to keep going.
KG: You... you...
GM: We cannot turn our back on this project, worth billions of dollars. As long as you don’t get too close to the spirits, nothing will happen. Go back to your studies, and just don’t get close to the spirits. That is an order.

*incomprehensive screams of Kent, General calling in the security, Kent’s voice fades as he’s dragged out of the office*

GM: *on the phone* - Restrict access to spirits in sector 15. Don’t let anybody out of there, either. Make sure of that. I will visit the sector in ten days, and I want to see results.

***

Hey!
I'm here as requested

The format

WOW.

What a format! I've never in the history of ever seen something as experimental as that. And the plus is that it worked! It was incredibly effective, I really enjoyed reading it. I love how a mixture of mediums have been used here. Letters, recordings, diaries...

I do have a few nitpicks:

KG: Sir, we have to end this!

GM: Calm down, Kent. Tell me what happened.

This is very picky of me, but to see and understand it easier, could just these to lines have the names in full? Or perhaps when it says the conversation was between GM and KG, to put their initials in brackets.

KG: .... Okay. Do you believe in the supernatural, general?

Capitalise the 'g' in General.

April 11th

Something, something, something-g-g-g.... Laaaa-la-la-laaaa.... something is happ-pe-ni-ng!! I DON’T WANT TO DO THIS ANYMORE!!

This is... peculiar. It's as if this is being said, but it's written and I wouldn't really write this personally if I were him. The same effect in writing could be using an odd use of capitalisation, excessive exclamation marks - things about HOW it's written, not what's being said.

What the fuck is wrong with meeee?!!!?...

This is better

Kent’s voice fades as he’s dragged out of the office*

How could you tell? Because it's not normal narration, these little things need to be watched out of. You could add - as he APPEARS to be dragged out or sounds as IF he is .... etc.

Overall

Overall, this is a very interesting and COOL chapter. I thoroughly enjoyed reading it! I will say that you need to be careful about these chapters because they aren't narrative so you can't do all the normal things. But otherwise you did it brilliantly!

I loved it!

Keep Writing,
Mac

Hey Polink,

Sorry for my late review. Let me make it up to you.

Ahh... the scientific narration makes a come back. I like it, and it's for the same reasons I liked it in the fifth chapter (when I reviewed it, it was chapter 3) but gives depth to the mystery and creates that unmistakeable tension in the story. Because through a first person or a third person narration, you tend to give more details that necessary (which is necessary at some places) which usually takes away that looming darkness than when it comes to narrating the story through excerpts from different sources. And I believe that you have done well in using this method to narrate the story, as it's scientific and formal feel goes along with that part of the story.

Mistakes

I wish I never even went there, so then I could be here with you.

Should be "I could be there with you." Not "here"

I am afraid myself,as we don’t know if this discovery will be beneficial, or disastrous,

and I will sure do mine.

Correct this as, "And I'll be sure to do mine"

April 7th
I am becoming increasingly tired. I cannot be bothered to write more than these lines. I need to get some sleep.

April 10th
I see no point in living. Life is grey. I don’t care about anything any longer....

I think it's better to add atleast one day in between, because it's quite surprising to see a person go from "I'm feeling tired" to "I don't feel like living anymore" So, make the change more subtle but keep the tension high. Adding one more day would not hurt the story.

April 11th
Something, something, something-g-g-g.... Laaaa-la-la-laaaa.... something is happ-pe-ni-ng!! I DON’T WANT TO DO THIS ANYMORE!!

Rather than writing this, show the strangeness through the actual words written. Like a jumble of words, with a few words which are discernible. Because even a psychiatric patient won't include dots in his/her notes.

April 12th
(pages ripped out)

Love the intensity.

Plot

Well, I'm a bit confused now. Because it seems like these spirits are malevolent evil spirits rather than the one that Felix became, although both spirits seem to exhibit the same characteristics. So, now I'm confused that there are two types of spirits in this story. Or is Felix a horse of another colour?

Also, the timeline here is affecting the story again. Is this before or after the war, although I'm guessing this is before the war, but I cannot connect this to the main story yet as it seems behind the timeline of the other chapters.


Descriptions and Character Descriptions

Although you can't actually go into the descriptions in a scientific narrative, you have used what you've got to make it as realistic as possible. Such as this,

By Peter (surname edited out on request of family members)

April 12th
(pages ripped out)

So, I'm glad to see you continuing on the with the same level of skill in this unique way of writing as you have with the other chapters. So well done.

Overall, this was a great chapter, but a little confusing nonetheless mainly due to the timeline of the story, but otherwise, it is unique and was well written.

Good luck and I hope to read the next chapters as well.

- C -

Hi Polinka! Here again for another review! It seems I've reviewed some of these out of order, and I apologize! I'll catch up and make sure they all get a review from me.

*sound of door opening*

GM: Got any news?

A few notes about the format of this part.
1. Considering this is in the format of a script, stage directions should be in italics. So: sound of door opening or even, Door opens.
2.To designate who's talking, it would make more sense for it to be McFlein or Grand rather than GM or KG.

GM: Please, don’t call them ‘supernatural’. Get on with your work, and I will sure do mine.

It seems this line ought to have come closer to where Grand actually referred to the spirits as supernatural. Where it is now, this comment seems odd considering a few more lines of conversation has passed since the mention of the supernatural.

A speech made by Kent Gand on March 31st, 23:55:37

Where is he making this speech? And who is he speaking to? It's suggested in the actual speech, but it would seem this official line here would state that.

Can you pass this on, guys? Thanks.

This doesn't sound very official to be in a speech like this, from someone so supposedly superior to the people he is talking to.

Something, something, something-g-g-g.... Laaaa-la-la-laaaa.... something is happ-pe-ni-ng!! I DON’T WANT TO DO THIS ANYMORE!!

If this is written, it doesn't seem like someone would write as if they were stuttering. Their writing might become sloppy/unreadable, but I doubt it would appear as if a transcript of someone stuttering.

I just have to say I love the formatting of this chapter, of all the chapters. It's unique and I think it works really well for this story. I'm really enjoying reading this and can't wait to get to the next two chapters! I don't really have anything else to say about this chapter, other than ramble about how much I enjoyed it, so I'll move on haha!

Keep writing!

-Lauren-

I can't deny that this is a unique way of telling the story. But what I can say is that I don't think it's working. Like the last chapter, I can't help but feel like this is in the wrong place in the story.

All these journal entries and conversations (etc) are happening before the war, before everything that happens to Felix and Delem, correct? So why put it here? It really is in the most random, pointless spot in the story. I can't see any rhyme or reason for placing this type of information here.

As well as what I said before, I think it's hard to enjoy these chapters because I want to see more of Felix and Delem. The last time you featured them, you left us off on an interesting part. I'd just begun to get into the story, know the characters, before you ripped it all away and replaced it with these stray outbursts of information. By doing this, you're going to lose your readers quickly.

If you really want this part in (and I mean, it does shed some light on the background of the story), then I would suggest starting with it. If you aren't a fan of that, there are other options, too. Your characters could stumble across these journal entries and newspaper clippings (etc) and learn for themselves what the spirits are all about. If you ask me, it would add suspense and plot development much better than what you've done here. I know it may sound like a lot of work, but I think it would be well worth it. You've got a good foundation for a story, a great idea, but you need to execute it better than you've been doing. As a reader, I couldn't care less about this chapter and the one before.


Also, I think I had all of one nitpick throughout the story:

April 11th
Something, something, something-g-g-g.... Laaaa-la-la-laaaa.... something is happ-pe-ni-ng!! I DON’T WANT TO DO THIS ANYMORE!!

I'm sure you can see what's wrong with this. You've written it as though the character is speaking, as though they're stuttering and raging. BUT, this is a written entry, and nobody is going to write like this. It's a nice thought to show the affects of the spirits, but I don't think you executed it as well as you could have. I think making the freak-outs more subtle would have a better effect. Not so subtle that it goes unnoticed, but less 'in-your-face'.