Young Writers Society

keeleybeaver wrote:Chapter 2:

I opened my eyes, it was really early in the morning, and I was being carried down the street very quickly. We got on the street where the supermarket is located. My mother stopped walking and looked into my eyes, I looked into hers. She was crying. I don’t understand what was going on. Then she sat me down, kissed me, and ran away from me. I started to realize that she left me on purpose, and was not coming back. A tear started to run down my face. This is a good concept, but the way it is written out makes it hard to read. The paragraph is very choppy, and the conclusion too quick to be drawn. Maybe make her mother look into her eyes, and Lauren's wait for her mother to come back sound a bit more dramatic. For example "I waited, and waited.....but the longer I waited the clearer the inevitable became. My mother wasn't coming back." That's really my only issues with this paragraph, otherwise it's great!

Slam! Hunh Spelling error.? I jumped up and bumped my head on the top of my bed. “Ow,” I said this part is okay, but if you wanted to make it better you could space it out a bit better. Add some emotion. Or, instead of "Ow" say something like "The force of the blow gave me an instant headache, just proving that it was going to be a bad day.". I looked around. Where was Christina? Usually I was the first one up. I look at the clock. It was 7:00. I was usually up at 6:30, at the latest. My mind went into automatic mode: get up, take a shower, go up for breakfast. So I got up, grabbed my clothes and a towel and started to run down the long hallway to the bathroom. After my shower I walked upstairs to the kitchen. When I was almost up the last few steps, I heard something, so I looked down the stairs to see if someone else woke up. No? This paragraph, too, is good, but if you wanted to make it even better you could space it out a bit more. Explain the getting ready process, add some deeper words, and most important: make it sound a bit less choppy.

I ran up the last steps to the kitchen. “Christina, did you hear that?” I asked. She gave me a strange look and shook her head no. “Maybe Taylor’s up?” she replied. I shrugged But.....you were in such a hurry a second ago? this transition seems off to me.and helped myself to the eggs that Christina had made. I got some cheese from the fridge and put it on top of the pan to make the cheese melt. Just as I sat down, Courtney walked upstairs. “Where is the headmistress?” she asked.

“Don’t know. Why?” Christina asked.
“Someone is at the door and apparently doesn’t know how to use a doorbell.” Courtney observed.
"She looks kind of foreign."
“I think the headmistress is in the shower. Christina, you should answer it instead, since you’ve lived here the longest.” I said This line throws me off a bit. It seems like you explain too much here. The way I would do it is just automatically have Christina open the door, after everyone turns to look at her, and slowly over time and chapters explain that this is because she's the one that's been there the longest. Also, maybe she's the oldest? Maybe she's the most responsible? Maybe she's the closest to the headmistress? All of these things would be good key elements to slowly dole out into the reader's mind.
“Okay.” she replied as she headed downstairs.