Young Writers Society

Chapter 3
Delem

I slowly opened my eyes, and realised that I had no idea where I was. Moreover, I couldn’t move, as the strong ropes held my ankles and hands together, and my back was pushed against a wall. I took a deep breath, and had a coughing fit that very second - the air around me was full of ash, and cold mist. I shook my hair off my eyes and looked around. I couldn’t see further than ten metres because of the deep mist. But the thing that sent chills down my spine: everything was quiet. Too quiet. And I knew that if the soldiers were still here to execute me, I wouldn’t even be able to move. I tried pulling one of my hands through the rope to set myself free, but it was no use.
‘What is this place?’
It didn’t look like anything I knew before, but I couldn’t really judge, as everything drowned in the grey, heavy mist.
‘Will I be executed?’
That’s another question I couldn’t answer. I stopped trying to free my hand, and listened. If any soldiers were sitting in front of me, with their guns pointed at me, then why didn’t they shoot?
‘Am I dead?’
That thought shot through my head, but left as quickly as it came: the pain in my numb arms and feet was very much real, and, after a painful pinch, I also made sure I wasn’t asleep. Suddenly, I felt scared and helpless, and attempted to free my hand once again. My head was throbbing, and my hands aching, but after numerous attempt, I managed to slide my hand out of the rope. I shook my hands around, to get my blood to flow to fingers again, and untied my feet. Slowly, I stood up, leaning my shoulder against the cold wall, and looked around.
‘They couldn’t just leave me here, it makes no sense.’
I began to wonder if the soldiers wanted to kill me, but then showed mercy, and just left, telling the others I’m dead? That made no sense either.

Suddenly, I heard footsteps behind me, no further than a couple of feet behind me. I swung around, and slowly looked around the wall. There was no one. A sudden stream of wind quavered my torn shirt, but stopped that very second. Goosebumps ran all over my body, my legs couldn’t support my weight, and I slipped back onto the ground. I was starting to panic. If I didn’t know where I was, I wouldn’t know where to go to get out.
‘Maybe, there was a battle, and they didn’t have time to deal with me...?’
They didn’t need time, one shot and I would have been gone! Anger was building up, not at the soldiers, of course, rather at that my head was throbbing so much that even thinking was difficult. Then, I heard footsteps once more, this time to my right. My eyes quickly turned to the source of the sound, but I could make out nothing in the mist.
‘Who are you?!’ - I screamed, but the mist kept silent, just hanging above me, covering me, smothering me...

And then I knew. I sprang to my feet, and frantically searched for anything in the mist. The cold, the fog, the ashes in the air... It all made sense now. Adrenaline rushed through my blood, I felt a drop of sweat running down my temple, I tried to at least see shelter, or anywhere I could escape to...
‘The spirits are here’.
That was worse than death, worse than all tortures in the world. The spirits. That’s why the soldiers left me here. My heart rate was speeding up, my feet were urging to run, to carry me to somewhere safe, anywhere but here...
I could hear the footsteps again. This time, along with the sound of shuffling of feet, as the spirits surrounded me. There, I knew I could not wait any longer. I didn’t know too much about the spirits, but I did know one thing: as soon as you’re trapped, there’s no way out. You had to keep moving to stay alive.

So I ran. I ran, faster and faster. I guess that’s the only thing I’m good at. I was flying past outlines of burnt trees, buildings, but I didn’t have the courage to look back, and realise that I was actually in the middle of a destroyed city. That I only understood when I stopped to get my breath back, inside a small shack, with walls covered in holes from bullets and grenades.
‘Where are you running again? It’s about time to accept that spirits can move faster than humans - if they’re after you, they’ll get to you’.
But I wasn’t willing to give up without a struggle. Not that I am a hero, or someone worth saving, rather out of my egosim - it was too early for me to die. I took a deep breath again and glanced at the ceiling. The roof was burnt through, but the fire has died out already. There was a battle here, but not a long time ago. I stood up and walked into what was meant to be the kitchen.
‘Where do people keep guns...’
In a drawer next to the sink, in this case. Having checked that the gun is loaded, I took a deep breath and stepped outside.
‘Don’t show emotions. No emotions. I might survive for longer’.

As soon as I was outside, I noticed that the mist got thicker. That could mean anything but good news, so I knew I had to keep going.
‘All settlements have to be connected, somehow... If I were a highway, where would I be?’
It wad extremely hard to make out anything at all in the grey darkness, so I was creeping through cracks between houses, trying to find out any kind of road, but still staying closer to houses. Finally, I could see something in the distance, resembling a barrier. Could that be it? Careless because of my excitement, I did not notice a rock underneath my feet, which in turn, sent me flying forward, and I hit the cold ground, lined with sharp stones - with my arm, which I thought was healed by now. I shut my own mouth not to let out a scream of agony, shut my eyes, and gently rolled from side to side on the ground, waiting for the initial pain to pass.
‘Are spirits like sharks, do they sense human blood? Can they see me?’
If it wasn’t for my fear of the spirits being nearby, I would have probably stayed on the ground for longer. But I knew I couldn’t, so I got up, but stumbled to the side.
‘Damnit, get up. This is far from over’.
Suddenly, I froze in place. Same sound. Same footsteps. I slowly pulled out the gun I ‘borrowed’, and started moving again, pushing my arm closer to my chest, as if trying to keep the pain inside, and stop my heart beating so fast. Finally, the barrier became clearer. Near it was a small booth in which guards would usually sit, and a plaque with something written on it. I sped up, eager to read what it said.
‘Lanetown?!’
I took a deep, painful breath.
‘I don’t even know where that is... Which only means I am too far away from anywhere I’d know...’

The pain from my arm was spreading, my legs became weaker by the second, my head was still throbbing, hands still sore from the itchy ropes, I felt heavy as if my body was full of metal... I was running out of hope, out of energy, out of will to carry on. As soon as I stumbled again, I couldn’t physically get up. All I could was to stand on my knees, in the beginning of a long tarmac road, and stare into the distance.
I breathed in, savoring the cold air, the warmth of my body. I closed my eyes and prepared for the world to end, for me to give up.
‘This is how spirits prey upon humans... they wait for them to be exhausted...’

I swept my tear away, from my dirty cheek, and breathed again. Of course, the footsteps didn’t keep me waiting. But now, I could finally see where they were coming from. In the distance, in maybe two or three miles, I could catch a glimpse of a figure. It was almost transparent, only the outline of its head and slim body were seen. It slowly turned its head towards me, and our eyes met. That is, if those holes in a white face could be recognised as eyes. It was a terrifying sight, even more now, that I knew that this is the sight people usually see last. I shut my eyes, but then, nothing happened.
The spirit suddenly moved towards me, and the breeze it created caused me to open my eyes again. I tried ever so hard to consume my fear, I kept repeating:
‘No emotions, no hope, no energy...’
I couldn’t resist looking into its empty eyes. The figure was a boy, not much older than I was, tall and slim, with very thin, straight hair, and huge eyes. He was staring right at me, as if wanting something from me. His body looked drained, thin and bony, his hands long but weak, his legs barely keeping him on the ground. He was slightly shining white, as if he had a visible aura around him. Though, it looked more like there was white smoke surrounding him, consuming him, as if the smoke became a part of him. Suddenly, his mouth opened, and out came the words that sent chills right down to my bones. I thought my blood froze for a moment, as I heard him say:
‘Can you see me? Can you... see me?’...

this is very good

Hi Polink,

Ahh, now the plot is starting to make a lot more sense. I did have a hunch before, but now it's all clear. At least, up to this point that is. Basically, what made this a lot interesting is because of the descriptions you've added. You clearly made it your point to give every single detail, thus, I was able picture everything you wrote in this chapter as clearly as you wanted them to be, and I'm sure the other readers would find it the same. So, good job on that.

Mistakes

as the strong ropes held my ankles and hands together,

Correct this, "as strong ropes were holding my ankles and hands together," As you don't mention the strong ropes before, don't use "the"

I took a deep breath, and had a coughing fit that very second

I think it sounds better to say, "I took a deep breath, and immediately had a coughing fit."

But the thing that sent chills down my spine: everything was quiet. Too quiet.

Another sentence that would be better as, "But the thing that sent chills down my spine, was the eerie quietness. It was too quiet."

but I couldn’t really judge, as everything drowned in the grey, heavy mist.

Better to say, "shrouded in the grey, heavy mist."

but after numerous attempt, I managed to slide my hand out of the rope.

"Numerous"

rather at that my head was throbbing so much that even thinking was difficult.

I think it would be better to write this as, "but rather at my head, which was throbbing so much that it even thinking was difficult"

Adrenaline rushed through my blood, (period)I felt a drop of sweat running down my temple, (A drop of sweat ran down my temple, as I tried to at least see shelter, or anywhere I could escape to...

Punctuation

my feet were urging me to run,

That I only understood only after when I stopped to get my breath back, inside a small shack,

Sounds better.

I noticed that the mist got thicker.

"I noticed that the mist had become thicker."

All I could was to stand on my knees,

Write this as, "All I could do was kneel on the ground,"

I tried ever so hard to consume my fear, as I kept repeating:

Plot

Well, you succeeded in making me impressed. This chapter was full of cliff-hangers, tense moments and plain emotional parts where we actual connect to the character. Also, I like the mysterious way you had written this, keeping our curiosity in it's peak till the end of the chapter. I also love the way you first described the spirits as a thick grey mist, rather than outrightly telling the reader that they are the spirits. The cliff hanger at the end was also well timed and written, as it ensures that our interest remains high until the next chapter. I have no guesses on where the story or plot is going because every idea that you had put to words here are unique ones that I have never seen before. So, great job on the plot and I hope you keep it up.

Descriptions

I have to say, this chapter with the best descriptions. You had written every detail that would paint the colours of your story. Needless to say, you had actually written a picture when you wrote this chapter. Because I can picture the character and everyone of his actions perfectly. So I basically watched a movie when I read this chapter, not read a chapter. I have no fault under this topic, so well done.

Character Development

Now, this is the second time we are meeting Delem, and I expected to see some physical description, so that it'll be better to imagine him as all the other descriptions are perfect. Try to add some description regarding his features, because after you mention the character a few times in several chapters, it'll be too late to change the appearance the readers had imagined. So, you would want to add those descriptions as early as possible.

Emotional descriptions were perfect. I say this because I could actually feel what he felt. The fear of the spirits, the hopelessness, the emotions felt when he actually gave up trying to live, they were written in a way that everything felt real and true. As if the story was actually making us feel the same way. Believe me, only few stories can do that. But you've succeeded in doing that and I'm impressed. Great job.

Overall

I'd say the best chapter after the 2nd chapter. I'm really interested to read the next chapters.

Good luck

- C -

Hey Polinka! Back again!

It's good to see Delem again! I really like that this chapter included more about the spirits, but I'm still wondering what exactly is up with them. The boy apparently didn't think that Delem would be able to see him, yet aren't the spirits at war with the humans? Or at other people at war and the spirits are just there too? These are things that really ought to be cleared up. Questions are good, but not when there are so many questions it keeps the reader from fully experiencing the story.

That being said, I think this chapter would actually fit rather well as a part of the first chapter. So, the first chapter + this chapter = one chapter. The events follow rather directly from the events at the end of the first chapter, and getting to know more about the ways the spirits are affecting the characters right from the beginning would be really helpful. Like I said, the biggest problem I keep having is not really understanding the context for the situations of the story.

Maybe, even, it would help to include a short prologue that solely gives information about the war with/involving the spirits. Just to give the reader something to go off of in order to better understand the story.

Other than that, another great chapter. I don't notice any problems with grammar or construction, and I love the voice of the narrator. You're a talanted writer!

Keep writing!

-Lauren-

PS If you'd like me to continue to review if/as you post more chapters, just shoot me a PM or stick a message in my WRFF thread and I'd be happy to!

Hello Again
i want to start by saying sorry that it's took me so long to read this but i'm here now and late is better then never. I love this chapter:) i think that the plot of the story is starting to make sense in this chapter and some points are starting to fit together
Firstly i like the fact that you have all of Delem's thought's in italic's as it gives the reader a bit of a insight into this character which is always nice for a reader. I'm a big character person, i think that if the reader cant make a connection with the character then it's hard for them to feel certain points in the plot. I think that Delem's character is coming across but i think you could push it even more. but the basics are there and that last push would really make the reader feel for him in the end of the paragraph.

The pain from my arm was spreading, my legs became weaker by the second, my head was still throbbing, hands still sore from the itchy ropes, I felt heavy as if my body was full of metal.

I love this but of description it shows the agony of the character.

from my dirty cheek,

i like this line because you are using your setting to add to the description of the character.

Finally i love the end of this chapter it really leaves the reader wanting more and also wanting to know more about this spirt.

Overall i think your really progressing i think all that you need improve is making your character's easier for the audience to warm too so that they can feel the emotions as they read the story but otherwise well done

Hello m'dear, I finally got free time, and so here I am. Nitpicks first.

I took a deep breath, and had a coughing fit that very second

Awkwardly phrased

It didn’t look like anything I knew before,

*I've ever seen (?)

and, after a painful pinch, I also made sure I wasn’t asleep.

Aren't his hands tied behind his back? I have a hard time getting this image into my head.

My head was throbbing, and my hands aching, but after numerous attempts, I managed to slide my a hand out of the rope.

I shook my hands around,(no comma needed) to get my blood to flow to fingers again, and untied my feet.

‘They couldn’t just leave me here, it makes no sense.’

Change 'couldn't' to 'can't'. Characters may tell a story in past tense, but their thoughts would still be in present tense. You dig?

I began to wonder if the soldiers wanted to kill me, but then showed mercy, and just left, telling the others I’m dead?

Awkward sentence. Also, end it with a period.

Suddenly, I heard footsteps behind me, no further than a couple of feet behind me away.

A sudden stream of wind quavered my torn shirt, but stopped that very second.

You did it again. You said "that very second". Don't make a bad habit of doing this a lot, it still sounds awkward.

My eyes quickly turned to the source of the sound, but I could make out nothing in the mist.

There's something off about the way that sounds. Maybe, "but I couldn't make out anything in the mist." (?)

‘Who are you?!’

Just use an exclamation mark

Adrenaline rushed through my blood, I felt a drop of sweat running down my temple, I tried to at least see shelter, or anywhere I could escape to...

This sentence should be broken up. You could try something along the lines of:
Adrenaline rushed through my blood, and I felt a drop of sweat running down my temple. I looked around for some kind of shelter, or anywhere I could escape to.

It wad was extremely hard to make out anything at all in the grey darkness,

All I could do was to stand on my knees,

I swept my tear away, < This is one of those instances where you use commas in the wrong way. There is no need of the comma there from my dirty cheek, and breathed again.

I liked the ending. Actually being able to see the spirits felt like a treat, and you described it pretty well.

Some thoughts:

I still don't like the constant "..." I truly believe that it does nothing but make your story seem childish, but if that's your style, I will respect it. Which is why I didn't really point any of them out.

I liked that this story had a lot more action than rambling. It was easier to read when something interesting was happening and truthfully, I enjoyed it. Regarding the writing, I think you could find smoother ways of saying things. All the instances of awkward phrasing (some of which I may have missed) really breaks up the flow of the chapter.

I like the thoughts he's having, it makes relating and getting to know the character much easier. I don't think you need the ' though. Italicizing the thoughts are enough for the reader to understand that they are indeed thoughts.

You use commas in wrong places too often. It's okay to have shorter sentences without commas. In fact, in most instances, it will give your story the flow it needs. I'm pretty sure you have commas in the majority of your sentences. Commas give a short pause when reading, and so this will make your story choppier than it needs to be. Don't use them unless it's necessary.

To sum it up, I think it's the writing more than the plot that needs work. But that's good. It's much harder to improve the idea of the plot than it is to improve the writing itself. the bones of the story are relatively solid, but the muscle needs some work. Hope this helped!