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Five Heart Shaped Necklaces Chapter 1



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Fri Dec 26, 2008 7:59 pm
Writing for love is a pas says...



The lights were electrifying as my crew and I walked in. Everyone stopped and turned to stare at us with incredulous eyes. We were used to it.

I turned to Rachel to see what she was wearing. We had all come in separate cars, but we were leaving in mine. You know, to stay undercover. Rachel, having all of her 5'7 form, was wearing tight pants with a circle belt and a low cut tight red shirt. Her sleek chestnut hair hung wavy, all the way down to her butt. She caught my eye.

“They weren’t hard, were they?” asked Rachel.

“Quite easy.” I replied.

Already a line of men was towering over us, asking to buy as drinks. Only one caught my eye. He was in the one corner that the light could not reach. He looked at me, and caught me staring. I pretended to blush and look away, but I could still see him in my peripheral vision. He didn’t pay me much attention. Strange. I was wearing a short black mini skirt and with black heels and a purple shirt that went all the way up to my chest, so why in hell wouldn't he be looking at me?

My crew walked towards what looked like an important table. I wasn’t sure. The lighting was addicting, and it somewhat blinded me. I would say one thing for a club like this, the music was well stocked. I turned towards Amanda.

“I am going to dance, anyone with me?” I asked loudly, hoping to catch a worthy man’s interest.

“I’ll come.” Amanda and Carly said at the same time.

My eyebrows raised automatically.

"Are you sure that you will be able to dance in that?" I asked Amanda teasingly.

"What? I've danced in skimpier things!" She laughed.

Well, that much was true. She'd danced with nothing but a bikini on before. I won't tell you what the bikini looked like, for it still scars me to this day. At least she was wearing a short, electric blue dress with white heels today.

That left Rachel and Emily to the table alone.

“You guys going to be alright?” I asked suspiciously.

“Yeah.” Rachel replied, a wicked gleam in her eye.

I laughed and followed Carly and Amanda to the middle of the dance floor. They played a song and we took off, the music pulsing around our bodies like it was made just for us. In a minute tops we were surrounded by most everyone, even the people who danced like my grandma. We intoxicated them.

Carly caught my eye and we laughed, really pushing our strategy. Her tight black and red dress was almost over her head because she was moving so fast. I soon felt Rachel and Emily next to me, Amanda, and Carly. Our bodies pushed up on everyone, including our crew. It was fun, watching the unsuspecting people be abused be our power.
No one really understood us the way we understood each other. The song ended, and I was thirsty.

“I’m going to get a drink. Be back.”

I danced my way off the floor, flouncing a little, since no one had really jumped on their chance. I sat down and ordered, getting a martini. Tonight was slow. I might actually have to try, and it scared me a little.

Waiting for my drink, I stared towards my friends. We were all so close, it felt like we were sisters. Well, I guess we were, in a way not a lot of others were…

The bartender gave me my drink with a wink, and I winked back, leaning forwards as to catch his interest. This was quite fun. He leaned forwards too, and we were only inches apart.

“Slow night?” I breathed.

“Not anymore.” He leaned forwards, and I pulled back. He fell onto the counter, and I got up. Typical man.

I flipped my short messy hair as I walked away, turning ever so slightly to see his face fill with regret. I went back to the table, and sat, waiting, when then man in the corner caught my eyes again. I motioned him forward, hoping he would detach himself from that desolate corner. He did.

Trying was absolutely tiring.

He sat with a grace that no mortal man should have. I was suspicious immediately. My eyebrows shot up with my legs.

“BROWNIE!” I screeched, propelling myself a good ten feet backwards. Thank the gods that mortals could not see through the mist that covered their eyes to anything in the supernatural world.

My crew ran to me, and we formed a circle, clasping hands. Out of the corner of my eye I could see four other men joining the brownie. So he had friends. Interesting.

We chanted our words and in whirl of multicolor smoke, we transformed into our pixie forms. Our wings carried different assortments of deep and brilliant colors and sizes. Amanda's wings owned the most brilliant color of blue, Carly's wings had the most intricate shape, Rachel's were the biggest, Emily's was the one with the most sparkles, and mine were, well, the darkest, with the most shades of purple and black.All of our eyes matched the brighteset color in our wings, except for Emily, whose eyes were a bright orange color.

We lurched forwards at an unsettling pace, every innocent mortal here was in danger, and we didn’t need any deaths because of five brownies. My wings unfolded as I leaped up into the air and went for one of the brownies. I focused my energy to my fingertips, and focused my mind to be angry. I could feel time slowing around me as black power shot from my fingertips at the same time the girls' green vines, blinding white sparkles, jets of swirling water, and sinister red power did. It combined in mid air, and hit the brownies at the same time.

They exploded into dust, and landed on the ground at the same time that we did. Our wings went dissapeared into our backs, and our clothes changed themselves. We walked out the door, leaving the mortals, standing completely still, in an awestruck presence. We climbed in my black Ferrari, I guned the gas, and we never looked back. That was another club that we were probably banned from!
Last edited by Writing for love is a pas on Sat Dec 27, 2008 6:40 pm, edited 6 times in total.
No where to run...baby let's hide. Take her in your arms on a chilling winter's night. Watch the stars twinkle and glisten. Know that you've found the one person that will listen. ~*(ME)*~
  





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Fri Dec 26, 2008 11:16 pm
Poppy Mare says...



Hallo! T'is I, Poppy Mare! [Insert evilly meek luagh here.] xP

Thank for the update. I really like this chapter. I wasn't lost! D: ^^ As for your review....

We chanted our words and in whirl of multicolor smoke, we transformed into our pixie forms. Our wings carried different assortments of deep and brilliant colors and sizes. Amanda's wings owned the most brilliant color of blue, Carly's wings had the most intricate shape, Rachel's were the biggest, Emily's was the one with the most sparkles, and mine were, well, the darkest, with the most shades.

My eyes were a bright shade of fluorescent purple, and Rachel's were a glossy neon green, Amanda's were glittering blue, Emily's were a pure orange color, and Carly's were a sparkling black.


I don't know why, but their despcription, the one for the eyes, ought to be more mixed in, not in another paragraph...

I'd do more, but I have to help my mother with something. I'll be right back! ^^

-Poppy
I want to do many, many things with my life, but I'm way too scared to really say. Writing, I guess is a way of being able to so all the things I want and not worry about being hurt.
  





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Sat Dec 27, 2008 12:14 am
Writing for love is a pas says...



I fixed it...I think...maybe not....ughhh
No where to run...baby let's hide. Take her in your arms on a chilling winter's night. Watch the stars twinkle and glisten. Know that you've found the one person that will listen. ~*(ME)*~
  





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Sat Dec 27, 2008 1:12 am
LowKey says...



I’m back! Looking really good here, I love the descriptions of the characters. Now I know what they look like! Just a couple nit-piks and suggestions, nothing too major that needs changing here.

I was wearing a short black mini skirt and with black heels and a purple shirt that went all the way up to my chest.


Thinking maybe you should add an extra line at the end of that, maybe a remark about how he should all over her for looking so good. But you know, how your character would say it. ;) As it is, it’s dangling. It’s good for us to know what she looks like – we want to know – but the trick is to tell us without our knowing that you’re telling us. That is, you need to wrap it up, give a reason for telling us, other than telling us. :)

I won't tell you what the bikini looked like, for it still scars me to this day.


I laughed out loud at that part. Poor characters, haha.

We chanted our words and in whirl of multicolor smoke, we transformed into our pixie forms.


*Very* cool. Pixies and Brownies. :D I love it. Not something you see everyday. And the mist clouding the eyes of the mortals… nice touch. Definitely explains a few things and makes them flow through easier. :)


Nice ending. Much improvement from it’s previous version, and definitely an interesting story. It’ll be neat to see where you go with this. PM me when you get the next chapter up, yes? Don’t think there too much more to do with this, other than that mentioned above. See you around with the next chapter, aye? :)
Necropolis SB / Necropolis DT

Once was Dreamer, is now LowKey_Lyesmith.

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Sat Dec 27, 2008 5:30 pm
Mars says...



Hello! First of all, your story reminds me very much of a series called Daughters of the Moon (with girls fighting demons, or in this case brownies, etc) which is very cool. :) So, plot-wise, I think you're doing really well, and I only have a couple of nit-picks, beginning with:
Character descriptions. Wow! You did a great job of describing, I can see each character clearly, but you didn't infodump. And I was skimming above, where one reviewer mentioned the eyes, and I think you did a good job of fixing that. But I noticed that each girl's clothing and wings and eyes all matched, colorwise, and if you wanted to you could describe, for example your narrator: "...mine were, well, the darkest with shades of purple and black that matched my eyes" instead of "...with shades of purple and black. My eyes were a bright shade of fluorescent purple..." You know? That would just integrate your description a little more. And, if you do keep the second sentence, ditch the word fluorescent, since it means the same thing as bright. ;-)
Other things that sounded a bit weird and/or threw me off.
Quote: Already a line of men was towering over us, asking if we wanted a drink.
I see what you were trying to get at, with the men buying them drinks, but this sentence just conjured up a strange image. Also, 'we' is plural and 'a drink' is not. So some rewording is in order here; perhaps 'towering over us, hoping to buy us drinks' or something.
Quote: even the people who you could not see dancing.
Okay. So I actually like the second-person you used before this (the 'you know, to stay undercover' part), but this phrase sounds off. It could be easily rephrased to omit the 'you': even the people who could not be seen dancing. There! Besides the second-person, though, I wasn't sure what you meant: like, those people could not be seen dancing because parts of the club were so dark? Or, they didn't seem like the type of people who would be dancing?
Quote: and sat, waiting, when he caught my eyes again.
At first I thought you meant the bartender. You didn't, right? Anyway, it made me think the bartender was the the corner-guy, and then the bartender was the brownie, and then I realised that they were two separate people. So you need to make it clearer who the 'he' in this sentence is.
Quote: and focused my mind to be angry.
Tiny nitpick: change it to 'focused my mind on anger'. Sounds better. :)
Quote: black power shot from my fingertips at the same time green vines, blinding white sparkles, jets of swirling water, and sinister red power did.
Kind of makes it sound like all this is coming from your narrator. So, you could go with 'black power shot from my fingertips combined with the other girls' green vines...' Hm. That still sounds awkward. But the meaning is clear, now, right? Just play with the words so that it's understandable and easy to read.
Quote: Our wings went back into our backs, and our clothes changed themselves.
The meaning is clear this time, but it sounds weird. 'Our wings went back into our backs'? How about retracted? Or disappeared? Just a little rephrasing there.
Okay, I'm finally done! This was quite good, just needs to be read over a couple of times: the best writing is usually rewriting! Definitely continue this, because it has a ton of potential. And you know what to do if you need another critique. *points to signature*
xxxxx
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Sat Dec 27, 2008 7:17 pm
zankoku_na_tenshi says...



Okay, I’m going to guess that this is a re-written version of the prologue, and this version sounds even better. I liked that the characters’ personalities were coming out a bit clearer and that the plot was quite a bit easier to follow, while you still kept the atmosphere and the faint air of confusion and mystery working for you.

The best thing about this new version was that my reaction to reading it involved saying “huh?” a lot less, but I’m still pulled in by the story. A lot more of the plot makes sense now, but I still want to know things, and that’s a good thing. I’m still curious about the pixies’ strange power to lure in everyone and about what makes the brownies so dangerous, but now I’m curious about it on much less vague terms, if that makes any sense. XD

I also though your addition of dialogue and description here helped make the characters a lot more individual and relatable. Now they don’t seem to all blend together. I can detect a bit more personality in them; a faint trace of arrogance in the main character, for example. Oh, and I also felt like you’re showing us rather than telling us now how close the main character and her friends are, through their interactions, the teasing between them, things like that. It’s definitely working in your favor.

Sometimes, though, I did feel the description got to be a little info-dumpy, for example, here:
We chanted our words and in whirl of multicolor smoke, we transformed into our pixie forms. Our wings carried different assortments of deep and brilliant colors and sizes. Amanda's wings owned the most brilliant color of blue, Carly's wings had the most intricate shape, Rachel's were the biggest, Emily's was the one with the most sparkles, and mine were, well, the darkest, with the most shades of purple and black.My eyes were a bright shade of fluorescent purple, and Rachel's were a glossy neon green, Amanda's were glittering blue, Emily's were a pure orange color, and Carly's were a sparkling black.

I agree with a previous reviewer that this would probably work better if you wove it in bit by bit rather than telling us all at once. As is, the reader isn’t likely to remember any of this, or really care: they’re interested in the battle, not in the color of people’s eyes or the relative sparklyness of their wings.

One quick grammar critique:

it combined in mid air, and hit the brownies at the same time.

Capitalize the i in “it.”

Oh, I also thought I kind of preferred the old last paragraph-or-so to the new one. It had a bit more impact, maybe not despite but because of it’s simplicity. Eh, probably more a personal stylistic thing than anything. *shrug*

Anyway, I see a lot of improvement with this version, and I’ll be moving along to chapter two post-haste! ^_^
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Tue Jan 27, 2009 11:42 pm
Threnody says...



It looks like everyone's caught the grammar mistakes. I thought this was a very clever story! I loved the concept and the how well it flowed. The idea was cool. I liked your description of the characters although you could have done a bit more, as that's what beginnings are for. I agree with most of the statements from Dreamer and Mars. Again this was a very nice start and I can't wait to read more.

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