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untitled fantasy - chapter 1 (a novel in the works)



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Thu Apr 28, 2005 9:09 pm
mysterywriter says...



Chapter One:

The village of Mushuk stayed quite still on these hot nights. The purple moon shown down its soft light on the pink waters of the Ugor and the sound of a fiddle could be heard way off in the distance. Walah, an elf, was intently stirring the stew she had put on the fire for dinner, tasting a bit of it here and there to test its readiness. Her long dark hair was tied back in a bit of string and hung to the middle of her back in loose curls; deep green almond shaped eyes with long lashes complimented her olive toned skin. She tucked a strand of stray hair behind her pointed ear before she wiped her hands on her apron; then walking outside she called to her children, “Rinkas, Brumillian dinner is almost ready make your way inside please!”
She could hear the patter of little feet running, each time getting closer and closer and she smiled. She imagined that their little tummies must be quite hungry; they had been out playing since the early afternoon sun had risen in the sky. They loved to play on the banks of the Ugor, picking up rocks and skipping them across the water and when the dry heat set in they would take off their cotton dresses and cool off by swimming. Today must have been one of those days because their hands were quite pruned. Walah rolled her eyes as she urged them to the basin sink to wash up; both girls shared their mother’s bewitching features and lithe way and if not for the age difference it would be hard to tell the two apart.
Brumillian ran out and took her seat at the table; she anxiously banged her utensils on her bowl awaiting her filling meal.
“Mother, will father be eating with us tonight?” she asked as she chewed on a piece of her long, dark chestnut hair.
“I’m sorry brum, but your father has gone into the city tonight to take care of some business and he won’t be back until morning.” Walah answered.
Krankton, Walah’s husband and the girl’s father, was a Sefier whom made his living by helping the Nerm’s budget and pay their taxes correctly. He was a much-needed asset to them and so it was not looked down upon by anyone. As most people of Myriad knew, you must pay taxes here for nothing more than to prove that you were dedicated to the King.
“But mother!” Brumillian cried out; her deep green eyes pleading, “father never eats with us anymore, father is never home!” she folded her tiny arms in protest of her father’s absence.
“Oh hush up!” Rinkas retorted. “You are such a baby sometimes. Father goes into the city because he has to. It’s his job. You don’t want those silly nerms to send him home without money do you? How else will you get the clothing on your back?”
“Hrmp! Mother will sew me my clothing.” Brumillian shot back.
“Oh yes yes mother can sew but where will mother get her thread?” Rinkas reminded her matter-of-factly.
“She can borrow it from one of the neighbors.” Brumillian replied.
Rinkas rolled her eyes and took her seat at the table across from her unsatisfied little sister.
“Now you two stop your fighting. I will not have little angries at my dinner table.” Their mother scolded as she poured stew into each of their bowls; just then a bird flew in an open window and landed on a ceiling beam. Walah smiled and said “why hello Graphee. Joining us for dinner are you?” Rinkas and Brumillian giggled as they began to eat.
Graphee was a neighboring Sefier and Rinkas’s best friend. He often joined she and her family for dinner and so Walah was used to expecting different creatures to enter her home around this time of day.
“Lucky for you I have an extra place setting, now if you’ll kindly come out of my rafters you are welcome to some stew.” Walah added jokingly.


1.(page)


Graphee flew down from the ceiling beam and landed on the floor; they laughed playfully at him struggling to morph back into himself. Usually when Sefiers morphed it was in a very fast spinning motion and from their feet to their head they would change leaving a cloud of sparkling dust hanging in the air after them; Graphee however was still young and grasping the concept of it and so it took him a bit longer to get back to his former self.
“I wish you would use the front door Graph, then we wouldn’t have to wonder if every animal that came meandering on in here was you.” Rinkas said to him in between bites of stew.
“Ah, but if I use the door then I will lose part of my magnificent charm.” Graphee responded coyly. His sandy blonde hair was quite a mess from the morphing fiasco; he ran a hand through it smoothing it down. His eyes were a light blue and he was a little short for his age, which wasn’t unusual for a Sefier. They were known to start out small and grow into themselves when they reached adulthood.
Walah shook her head, if this is how Graphee held himself now at this young age what would he be like in a few years when he became a man? Walah knew she need not worry because Graphee was the most kind being she had ever come in contact with, even over her own children at times. She was sure enough that he would grow up to be quite a man.
Graphee eagerly sat down at the table and joined the family for dinner. “Where’s Mr. Krankton on this fine summer’s eve?” he asked.
“He’s in the city.” Brumillian mocked.
“Young lady do not take that tone.” Walah reminded and then turned to Graphee and answered with, “Krankton went into the city earlier this afternoon to take care of some business and won’t be returning until morning.”
“He’s always in the city.” Brumillian mumbled.
“I heard that Brum, now don’t make me send you to bed without finishing your dinner.” Walah snapped.
“Well Brum,” Graphee began, “It doesn’t mean he wouldn’t rather be here with you.” He finished softly rubbing her small hand.
“I know but I miss him and I hate that he spends all of his time in the city.” She responded on the brink of tears. She sniffled as she pushed her bowl away from her.
“Now, now Brum. Dry those tears.” Her mother cooed as she wiped away a few stray tears that had found their way down her youngest daughter’s face. “Father wouldn’t want you a mess like this now would he? So cheer up, he will be back before you know it.” Brumillian nodded in agreement as her mother led her upstairs to her bedroom and started to put her to bed.
Downstairs in the kitchen Rinkas and Graphee were both practicing their morphing skills. Rinkas was part Sefier while Graphee was a full bred. She could only morph into living creatures; Graphee on the other hand could morph into anything he wanted living or non. They both started laughing as they turned into frogs, dogs, cats, rats, bats, they were constantly trying to outdo each other and usually Graphee won and only because he had more things to morph into.
“Graphee!” Rinkas cried as he turned into a broom. “That’s not fair!”
And as the broom he said, “Why not? It’s not my fault you’re only part Sefier.”
“Turn back this instant or I am never speaking to you again.” She threatened.
“Oh Rink you are so dramatic.” Graphee sighed as he began to turn back.
Just then Walah walked into the living area and put her hands on her hips looking at the both of them in disapproval. She tapped her right foot sternly against the wood floor and said, “What did I tell you about playing this morphing game in the house?” They both looked at her with sorry eyes. She smiled partly and added, “Okay now no more of this game, Graphee it’s late you best be getting home to your Mother and Father before they worry about you. Rinkas it’s time for you to come to bed.”

2.(page)


“Alright.” Rinkas complained as she walked toward her mother. “Goodnight Graph I will see you tomorrow.”
“Night Rink. Thanks for dinner Mrs. Walah.” Graphee called as he walked out the front door.


3. (page)
  





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Fri Apr 29, 2005 12:23 am
ohhewwo says...



I didn't really get into this.

If more was available to me, I might, but it's not. But it's good that you didn't post too much at one time, as I may not have read it then.

So, are the Sefier elf-like at all? Because if they are, then I really don't like the names you have for them. Character names are completely the writers choice, of course, but the names you chose sounded really crude and Orc-ish. Just a thought.

How is Graphee short for his age if it's normal for boys his age to be his height? That dosen't make sense!
  





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Fri Apr 29, 2005 1:36 am
Rei says...



I also didn't get into this. It was really lacking in several areas. Your opening paragraph were good, but once the dialogue began, the quality of the narrative dropped considerably. The world you've created didn't feel real to me because I felt like it was being explained rather that just existing. The dialogue itself . . . not good. Doesn't sound real at all.

Does it really matter that these characters are elves, though? Elves are supposed to be very different from humans, and these characters seemed rather human to me, apart from they way they look.
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Fri Apr 29, 2005 4:10 pm
mysterywriter says...



hey thanks for the crits. 8)

when i said graphee was short for his age i meant compared to other boys, not sefier boys. i suppose i should elaborate on that or just take that part out all together. but you are right it doesn't make sense the way it is now! thanks for pointing that out i probably would never have noticed.

and i realize that the elves seem human, that is the way i wanted to portray them. since elves are fictional characters i didn't want to use the same old same old for them. if that makes any sense. i didn't want them to be small and i didn't want them to be immortal (lord of the rings). but i did want them to have the same aspect as the lord of the rings elves in the way they looked. those elves looked and acted a lot like humans and i believe the only thing that separated them was their immortality.

also, i am not sure why you don't think the dialog seems real. it's a fantasy world so they can talk in pretty much anyway they want. you can't base it on what humans would say. you know?
  





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Fri Apr 29, 2005 5:01 pm
Rei says...



Actually, there were a lot of things that made those elves different from humans.

And so what if it's a fantasy? The dialogue still has to sound natural and real, even if it is different from contemporary North America. This just sounded so fake, and didn't have much personality to it. One author I can recomend that has good examples of dialogue that is different from our world but still sounds real is TA Barron.
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Sat Apr 30, 2005 3:27 am
Snoink says...



It's funny how you choose which stories you critique and which ones you don't. Since you critiqued my brother's stuff, I'll critique yours. Lately, my critiques have been getting ignored or trampled on, but it may have some use to you.

First of all, and I know this sounds silly, but your style is a little bit lacking. Why? Because you aren't using grammar. I know, I sound really silly, but proper grammar can make all the difference in a story. Now, onwards!

mysterywriter wrote:Chapter One:

The village of Mushuk stayed quite still on these hot nights. The purple moon shown down its soft light on the pink waters of the Ugor and the sound of a fiddle could be heard way off in the distance. Walah, an elf, was intently stirring the stew she had put on the fire for dinner, tasting a bit of it here and there to test its readiness. Her long dark hair was tied back in a bit of string and hung to the middle of her back in loose curls; deep green almond shaped eyes with long lashes complimented her olive toned skin.


I believe the proper word is "complement." Look it up.

She tucked a strand of stray hair behind her pointed ear before she wiped her hands on her apron; then walking outside she called to her children, “Rinkas, Brumillian dinner is almost ready make your way inside please!”


The semicolon isn't needed. If anything, split it into two sentences. Also, "then walking outside she called to her children..." is rather awkward. You're trying to make it sound pretty, but it isn't working, partly because of lack of grammar. When you split a sentence with a semicolon, the two parts of the semicolon whould seem complete. For instance, I can write this:

He saddled up the horse; the saddle fell off.

Notice that if I split up the sentence, it sounds fine. "He saddled up the horse. The saddle fell off." If you do this with your sentence, it sounds awkward. Why? Because you use the passive tense: "then walking outside she called to her children.." Prefer the active over passive. Active tense would sound like: "She walked outside and called to her children..." Better put, plus not so confusing.

For your dialogue, remember to use punctuation and grammar. Whenever you would pause for a breath, put a comma. For instance. Whenever you pause an entire moment, a period should be there. Therefore: “Rinkas, Brumillian dinner is almost ready make your way inside please!” should be: “Rinkas, Brumillian, dinner is almost ready! Make your way inside please!”

This isn't bad dialogue, but the lack of grammar makes it all the more confusing. Add grammar in it and ye shall be rewarded.

She could hear the patter of little feet running, each time getting closer and closer and she smiled.


This sentence slightly needs to be revised. I would revise it like this: "She could hear the patter of little feet running, each moment getting closer and closer. She smiled." Of course, you decide how you would like to put it.

She imagined that their little tummies must be quite hungry; they had been out playing since the early afternoon sun had risen in the sky. They loved to play on the banks of the Ugor, picking up rocks and skipping them across the water and when the dry heat set in they would take off their cotton dresses and cool off by swimming. Today must have been one of those days because their hands were quite pruned.


Use specific language. Quite pruned should be pruned. Why? Because quite is an ambiguous adjective which doesn't help.

Walah rolled her eyes as she urged them to the basin sink to wash up; both girls shared their mother’s bewitching features and lithe way and if not for the age difference it would be hard to tell the two apart.


This is a run-on sentence. Seperate them into two or three sentences.

Brumillian ran out and took her seat at the table; she anxiously banged her utensils on her bowl awaiting her filling meal.


Filling? This adjective doesn't help and makes the scene less interesting.

“Mother, will father be eating with us tonight?” she asked as she chewed on a piece of her long, dark chestnut hair.
“I’m sorry brum, but your father has gone into the city tonight to take care of some business and he won’t be back until morning.” Walah answered.


Capitalize all names, even if they're nicknames. Also, memorize the following:

Dialogue Grammar

Memorize the following rules:

“That sucks,” he said.

“That sucks!” he said.

“Does that suck?” he said.

“That sucks,” he said, slapping his knee.

“That sucks!” he said, slapping his knee.

“Does that suck?” he said, tilting his head.

“That sucks.” He slapped his knee.

“That sucks!” He slapped his knee.

“Does that suck?” He tilted his head.

Anything which isn’t being said gets a new sentence. Anything which is being said is on the same sentence. Follow the same structure and you will be a happy writer.

Krankton, Walah’s husband and the girl’s father, was a Sefier whom made his living by helping the Nerm’s budget and pay their taxes correctly. He was a much-needed asset to them and so it was not looked down upon by anyone. As most people of Myriad knew, you must pay taxes here for nothing more than to prove that you were dedicated to the King.


This paragraph doesn't seem to fit in the story. Shorten it and maybe it'll fit in better.

“But mother!” Brumillian cried out; her deep green eyes pleading, “father never eats with us anymore, father is never home!” she folded her tiny arms in protest of her father’s absence.


You don't have to explain what she is protesting about twice. Delete the "of her father's absence."

“Oh hush up!” Rinkas retorted. “You are such a baby sometimes. Father goes into the city because he has to. It’s his job. You don’t want those silly nerms to send him home without money do you? How else will you get the clothing on your back?”
“Hrmp! Mother will sew me my clothing.” Brumillian shot back.
“Oh yes yes mother can sew but where will mother get her thread?” Rinkas reminded her matter-of-factly.


I wrote this in an article about writing:

Once I was very much ignorant to this fact. I was told that you had to vary your words. So I looked for a lot of definitions for said.

These include:
exclaimed, proclaimed, grumbled, mumbled, muttered, grunted, roared, yelled, shouted, screamed, berated, teased, chuckled, laughed, told, coughed, whispered, and asked.

The only two words that are okay to use are whispered and asked. The rest of the words you should avoid, or, if you must use them, use them sparingly. And there are some words you should avoid totally. You don't cough out your words. And unless your character is a lion, most likely he isn't going to roar either.

“Exclaim” might be okay, but “said” is still a better word than that, hands down. Why? Because exclaim takes away from you're dialogue and focuses the reader's attention to exclaimed. Use said.

Enough said?

Sadly not. You see, most writers promise they will not use exclaim, proclaim junk, but they use an even WORSE method. The evil -ly.

Now what is an evil -ly? Simple. Words included are:

nastily, brazenly, slinkily, slimily, gently, any adjective that ends with an -ly.

Cut out these adjectives out.




Okay, I'm at the point where any other critiquing would probably annoy you very much. Plus, I would just keep repeating myself again again, which is never desirable.

The main thing that could use improvement is the grammar. Too often writers are interested in the story and forget that the way they say it affects the whole production. Grammar is essential in the story and can make this story very powerful. Get yourself a grammar book or two (I can recommend a dozen or so, if you want) and read it through.

As far as the story? I am under the belief that it doesn't matter how horrible your story it is, it matters the way you tell this story. Concentrate on using grammar throughout the story (not just the descriptive parts!) and you will have a wonderful story.
Ubi caritas est vera, Deus ibi est.

"The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Master calls the butterfly." ~ Richard Bach

Moth and Myth <- My comic! :D
  





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Mon May 02, 2005 4:04 pm
mysterywriter says...



thanks for the grammar crits. i admitted when i first posted this story that grammar was not my forte. that's what they make editors for i suppose. :lol:

also, i don't even know who your brother is. im not really sure why you think it's funny which stories i crit or don't crit. i crit the ones i have time to read. i can't possibly crit them all, there are far too many. you say that like you think that i have it out for someone on the board, which i don't...i definitely don't agree with the way some people crit, but hey to each their own.

but i do appreciate your crits because they were grammatical errors. those kinds of crits are helpful to my writing. thanks.
  





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Tue May 03, 2005 4:05 am
Snoink says...



Lol.

By "you critique" I was just commenting how many writers (not specifically you) critique other people's work if they've seen them around. I just use second person too much. It seems friendly to me, for some strange reason. By the way, my brother is Griffinkeeper. We're twins! XD

Ah, editors are very nice, but having edited a few books myself by other various writers, I can tell you that good grammar is essential for a story. We editors do not want to spend too much time fixing up grammar mistakes and I will not publish something with too many grammar and structure mistakes. It's not the writing style that makes the writing piece unattractive; different writing styles can be wonderful to read. But grammar and structure? It's just one of those things writers must learn.

My favorite grammar book of all time is called "The Elements of Style." It is refreshingly short and chockful of good examples. Plus, it will help your style immensely. Try it. It's by Strunk and White.
Ubi caritas est vera, Deus ibi est.

"The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Master calls the butterfly." ~ Richard Bach

Moth and Myth <- My comic! :D
  








Of those who say nothing, few are silent.
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