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Blood Moon Chapter Three



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Tue Jan 08, 2008 12:52 am
enjeru says...



I keep to my human form as I walk through the town towards our meeting spot, a clearing just inside the forest with a small stream bed going through it. The sky is just turning dark when I arrive. Zach is already there, looking up at the stars. That’s how we usually find him at night. I sit down next to him.

“So, what’s it saying?” I ask lightly. He grins.

“You had pork chops.”

“And…you learned this…from the stars?” I’m genuinely puzzled.

“No, I can smell it on you.” He replies. I laugh in surprise, and he joins in.

The other three join us soon afterwards. James looks somewhat distracted, and Bryson and David are mentally arguing. Not good. James shoots a disapproving look at me.

You’re getting too close to him, He sends the message to me only, and it has a bitter tome to it.

I’m sorry. I’ll try harder, I answer back. There’s obviously something else on his mind, buzzing around, but he hides it before I can see what it is. Wait is what I hear instead. So he reminds everyone where they’re supposed to go. But no one moves, including me. We’ve all seen the something on his mind, and we wait for him to tell us. Instead, he says, “Zach, what do the position of the stars tell us?” He looks tense. Zachary suddenly goes pale. Not a good sign. Not at all. He knows something is up. We all do.

“It’s not good, James.” He replies, but for all of us. “Something evil is coming, soon. Major chaos. For us.” James sighs.

“Vampires.” He tells us. We all stiffen. Even the air around us seems to still, to die. I feel my blood run cold.

“I caught their scent. Not just one, but several. And close.” David peeps up.

“But how did you-”

“I just know, ok!?” James cuts him off. We all look slightly shocked, but make no moves or say anything. James puts a hand over his face and takes a deep breath, trying to calm himself. When he succeeds, he continues on.

“It’s instinctual, to know the scent. You’ll know it, too, once you smell it. Alright?” We nod, still quiet, still unmoving. “Which means you will still do your patrol. But, you will constantly be in touch. I will not have anyone out there alone. We will be there for each other.” I quickly interfere.

“You said only we were patrolling. What are you doing?”

“Tracking them. I won’t do anything yet, just find out specifics. How many, where exactly they are, that kinda thing.”

“So, you’re going behind enemy lines?” I ask. He nods. The immediate horror must be apparent even on our faces, because he adds, “Don’t worry. I’ll be careful.” He looks up at the sun-almost completely below the horizon save for the very tip. “We should leave now. They’re more active at night.” Pft. Like he needed to tell us that.

Immediately, all five of us phase, ‘go wolf’, mind you, and head off to our posts. I reach mine just as the last light escapes the sky.

Boy, this is gonna be a long weekend.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

It’s about three in the morning. No, I don’t have a watch, and don’t ask me how I know. It’s a wolf thing. There’s a full moon out, and I can feel the strength of it coursing through my body, multiplied by being connected to my brothers. Adrenaline rush times five. But it’s quiet. I’m still a wolf at this moment; I have been all night, waiting for action.

Then something rustles in the bushes behind me. Normally I wouldn’t do anything, because animals are awake, even at night. But this doesn’t sound like any animal I’ve heard. I’m instantly more alert. In my head, I feel everyone but James play on my emotions, ready to come to my aide.

Wait, I tell them, It just might be a false alarm. But then I see a flash of movement out of the corner of my eye. Now, if it were you, a regular human, you wouldn’t have seen anything, it was moving so fast. I whip around, back to my human form in an instant, and look for the source of the movement. Behind me, I hear a soft chuckle.

“It’s been a while since we’ve seen a werewolf, hasn’t it, boys?” a deep voice says. I am officially afraid as I turn around. I sense everyone rushing towards me. Well, except for James. In fact, he seems to be ignoring me.

There’s three vampires. All tall, taller than me. One has blonde hair, one brown, one red. Their eyes are black, contrasting horribly against their pale white skin that seems to glow in the moonlight. Their clothes are tattered and frayed, like they’ve been traveling for a long time. They are all unusually beautiful. And I am scared, absolutely frightened.

The red-haired one speaks again. “Aw, what’s the matter? Is the little puppy afraid?” he mocks me, with a slight Scottish accent. A fierce snarl escapes my throat, and involuntary reaction. They all laugh.

“Still the savage beasts, I see. Though, I think you can help us. We’re looking for a traitor.”

I scoff. “I can’t help you.” I spit out, plain and simple. I notice they don’t stray an inch from where they are, right outside our boundary line, so I can’t reach them.

“Are you sure?” Scottie continues, “I’m pretty positive you saw him.” He takes one step forward- into our territory. “Of course, we could just forget this all, for a little snack.” I gulp. He means me. The others follow behind. My heart races, and I know they can hear it. I’m rooted to my place, entranced by his flawless face, grounded by my fear. Where are my brothers? They should be here by now. The vampires take another step towards me.

Several things happen at once then. First, a tawny streak-James-knocks me over, his bass snarl vibrating the air. Second, three other streaks-red, light and dark brown- attack each of the vampires. All three of the said vampires then vanish. Apparently, we scared them out of their wits.

After a few seconds, when he decides it’s safe, James returns to his human form and picks himself up. The others follow suit. I, however, remain curled up in the leaf litter. James kneels down next to me.

“Asriel?” he says softly. Only now do I notice that I’m whimpering like a pup. I feel a few tears roll down my cheek.

“Asriel, it’s over. It’s ok now.” He tries again. I don’t budge. He turns to give a look at the other three. They disperse, probably going back to their posts. James tries again.

“Asriel, you can get up now. Nothing’s going to happen.” I eventually, slowly, pick myself up, struggling to form coherent words. My fear melts into anger as I do.

“This is your fault,” I finally say. My voice is low and icy. James actually looks shocked.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about…” he says calmly. But I can feel the anger welling up inside him.

“You damn well know what you’re talking about!” I’m yelling now. “You almost got me killed! A few more seconds and I would’ve been a dry husk on the ground!” I twitch, trying to keep myself under control, to keep from phasing involuntarily. “It’s all your fault!” I move to push him, to punch him, to make any kind of threatening physical movement to prove my point, but he catches my wrists at the last second. I fight to free myself, but to no avail.

“Asriel, look at me.” I listen. I have no other choice but to. “We had to make sure they were completely focused on you, so we could take them by surprise.” He tells me, “Because that’s the only way we could get them. You saw how fast they reacted.” He lets go of my wrists. “Do you understand now?” I say nothing for a few moments. Then I slap him, across the face. Hard.

“You could’ve said something to me,” I say, meaning to send it to me mentally.
“I’m sorry, I guess I should have," he says back, rubbing his face where I hit him. “But then again, ignorance is bliss.”

I growl at him, but I know he’s right.

“I need to be going now. If you want to leave, you can. I’ll understand.” I shake my head. No way am I going to chicken out. “Well, then, I’ll see you later.” He strides off, quickly disappearing back into the forest. I immediately block my mind off to everyone. My thoughts are scathing as I pace back and forth the forest floor. I can’t hold my temper long, though. I pick up a nearby fist-sized rock and throw it as hard as I can. It hits a tree and shatters. Bits of the rock embed itself into the bark.

A figure appears by the tree. “Nice arm.” He says.

Another vampire.
Last edited by enjeru on Wed Jan 09, 2008 2:29 am, edited 1 time in total.
"To look into the eyes of a wolf is to see your own soul."

-Aldo Leopold




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Tue Jan 08, 2008 5:31 am
~nariel~ says...



Yay! *claps* Another chapter!

Okay, one: this was still a little bit choppy, jumping from one scene to the next. Try slowing down a bit and making things flow easier. There weren't any major grammatical or spelling errors that I could see, so that's good. Next, I think that you jump a little bit too quickly from your main character being really scared to all of a sudden whimpering on the ground. It moved a little bit too fast for me there. You should make her fear more drawn out until *bam* she collapses. What you're telling me is that: boom, she's scared, then all of a sudden she's on the ground. Does that make sense?

Again, I like your fast pacing, but try to make it less choppy. That's all for now and good job!

Nariel

PS: I just got New Moon. I'm very happy.
It's the very witching time of night.




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Tue Jan 08, 2008 9:25 pm
Dark Maiden says...



Yay!!!! I liked it very much and I have a feeling that the traitor they are looking for is the one at the end. Hurry up and finish the next!! I really want to see what happens!
(Have you read Twilight? I am kinda guessing you like the lovely werewolf Jacob more than Edward...hehe *sigh*)
"I've noticed that everyone who is for abortion has already been born." ~Ronald Reagon




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Wed Jan 09, 2008 2:21 am
enjeru says...



thanks, nariel. i'll work on that. but, she doesn't just collapse...James knocks her over, trying to defend her. did i not make that clear??? (not trying to sound mean or anything...>.>)

and dark maiden...thanks. ^_^ actually...i like them both. (shhh...don't tell them...>.>)
"To look into the eyes of a wolf is to see your own soul."

-Aldo Leopold




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Wed Jan 09, 2008 2:31 am
~nariel~ says...



*smacks head* Oh my gosh! I'm sorry! I must have looked over that. Yes, you're right. James does knock her over. Oops. :oops: Keep up the good work then.

Sorry again,
Nariel
It's the very witching time of night.




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Wed Jan 09, 2008 11:42 pm
enjeru says...



lol. that's ok, nariel. everone makes mistakes. i forgive you!
"To look into the eyes of a wolf is to see your own soul."

-Aldo Leopold




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Thu Jan 10, 2008 1:10 am
Lucky_Duck says...



Hey enjeru! Another chapter, I see. It was good and, like nariel said, it was just a little choppy. I like Edward better (after New Moon, I wanted to kick Jacob pretty hard, but that would've broken my leg.. he he) Anyway, I loveed it, hope to hear from ya soon!

--Lucky




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Wed Feb 06, 2008 12:16 am
Wolf says...



Hey enjeru! I'm here for chapter three. :)

“No, I can smell it on you.” He replies.


Instead of the period after 'you', put a comma.

James looks somewhat distracted, and Bryson and David are mentally arguing.


I think that last part sounds a bit awkward. You might want to try saying 'arguing mentally' for a better flow.

James shoots a disapproving look at me.


That also sounds kind of awkward. Maybe: James shoots a disapproving glare in my direction.

You’re getting too close to him, He sends the message to me only, and it has a bitter tome to it.


1. 'tome' should be 'tone'. :wink:
2. Instead of the comma after 'him' put a period.

Wait is what I hear instead.


I'm a little confused by this. Is he thinking 'Wait'? If so, you should put it in italics, and place a comma after it.

“I just know, ok!?” James cuts him off.


1. 'ok' should be 'okay'.
2. The question mark should probably come before the exclamation mark. :wink:

There’s three vampires. All tall, taller than me. One has blonde hair, one brown, one red. Their eyes are black, contrasting horribly against their pale white skin that seems to glow in the moonlight. Their clothes are tattered and frayed, like they’ve been traveling for a long time. They are all unusually beautiful.


No, no, no! I'm sorry, but that is completely identical to Twilight. You can get away with the other similarities, but this... no, just no. Here's why:
- In Twilight, Edward has reddish hair.
- In Twilight, Jasper has blonde hair.
- In Twilight, Emmett has brown hair.
- They all have black eyes when they're hungry.
- They all have pale white skin.
See? Your vampires and Stephenie Meyer's are identical. That's probably a bad thing. >.>

A fierce snarl escapes my throat, and involuntary reaction.


'and' should be 'an'. :wink:

First, a tawny streak-James-knocks me over, his bass snarl vibrating the air.


I think you should put 'in' after 'vibrating'.

-----------------------

This is good! You use more description than n Chapter two, which is great. But the similarities to Twilight kind of kill the good aspects of this; it's similar enough to be fan-fiction. =_=

I'm glad that you give Asriel a downside. She can't always be perfect, and so it was good to show her fear and temper.

I agree with the others that it was kind of choppy, but asides from that, kudos! I'll crit Chapter four A.S.A.P. :)

Cheers,
Camille
everything i loved
became everything i lost.


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