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Chapter 1 (check it please)



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Sun May 13, 2007 4:32 pm
Firestalker says...



This the first chapter of my book please check it and correct it in.






Chapter 1

Chriss



It was midday in Felon. Felon was a small village in the middle of New.k a large continent. Even though Felon is surrounded by other cities and towns Felon was almost completely isolated from the surrounding settlements. They get essential resources like salt from the magicians. Chriss was up in his home up in a tree house, at the north edge of Felon. It wasn’t much of a house, it had a bed a table and a large drawer all stuffed in the only room in it. Chriss ate at Eddie’s house so he didn’t need to cook or eat in his tree house. His tree house was made on the branches of an oak tree. His mother had got the villagers to make the tree house and then one day she had left him alone in the tree house. She had left letters on almost everyone’s doors. Once Chriss became seven the villagers had given the tree house to him to live. It was hard for a fifteen year old boy to find a job in New.k (name of the country). He didn’t need money yet because unlike other towns in New.k almost everything was free for citizens under the age of twenty three, but Chriss knew that when he was older he would need all the money he had to make a living. Unlike other children Chriss only liked to do a handful of things like magic, boating and exploring, but unluckily the magician’s guild was for children over sixteen only and even then you had to have special qualities and there weren’t any boating schools in Felon because it was not even close to the sea or a large tank. It was next to the unexplored dangerous Nwens which was full of paranormal and mythical creatures. So the only thing Chriss could do was exploring. Chriss’s real name is Christopher Kingsley, but Christopher was always called Chriss by his friends and enemies so he made it his nickname. It took time but he finally mastered the clever fighting arts of zizan and fighting with his daggers. Chriss always wanted to have a sword but for citizens under the age of twenty three it was illegal, but even when he learnt to fight with his body Chriss could not fight against his enemies the bully’s. When Chriss was ten years old he had made solemn oath that he would become friends with a Ghost, but once he grew up he learnt that the citizens in Felon despised Ghosts and other mysterious creatures, but even then Chriss did not give up he still waits for the chance to find the Ghost. “Chriss! .... Chriss! .......where are you lad? I’ve got a job for you and I’m willing to pay you” came a rough voice which Chriss instantly recognized it to be Mr. Jarvis’s. Chriss’s eyes brightened it wasn’t usually that he got a job for money. “What is it Mr. Jarvis?” Chriss asked climbing down the tree house as fast as he dared “well…I’d like you to get these bags of cloud flour to Eddie’s shop” replied Mr. Jarvis “I’ll pay you five dollars if you do the job well”. Chriss’s face turned pale Eddies shop was the only bakery in town it used to be on tree road just next to Chriss’s tree house, opposite to Mr. Jarvis’s shop. But later Eddie thought of moving it to Prigs Street. Chriss had to carry two sacks of cloud flour up hill then turn right to Prigs Street and walk until he reached Eddies shop. Luckily for Chriss the flour he had to carry was not normal flour it was cloud flour. Cloud flour is a kind of flour made by adding some chemicals found in clouds to the flour which makes the flour light like a feather, but the reason Chriss’s face tuned pale was that he had to pass the bully’s’ house which belonged to the most ruthless bully’s in Felon and their half mad parents. The bully’s favorite children to bully were Chriss, Colin and Zack. Zack’s whole name is Zackuin Wilson but since it sounds like a girls name he introduces himself as Zack. Zack was very fearless (but not stupid to fight the bully’s) and forward. Colin on the other hand didn’t talk much except to Zack; he is a very smart boy and is so secretive no one in Felon even knows his full name. Surprisingly, even though they had much in common Chriss wasn’t friends with them. Chriss didn’t have any proper friends of his age since he was shy, secretive and silent sometimes (mostly in school) Chriss’s friends were hypothetically the imaginary characters in books. Sometimes when he talks to his imaginary friends he drifts into an imaginary dream world. Even though Chriss might get pulverized by the bully’s Chriss couldn’t say no to a chance like this so taking a deep breath he said “yes, I’ll do it Mr. Jarvis” So Chriss taking the money and sacks walked up the street. Once Chriss had sighted the bully’s house he started muttering “Their not here, their not …..” But Chriss could not finish what he was saying for suddenly a bully shouted “well look who’s here Master. Dumb where are you are going Master. Dumb of Foolishton?” But Chriss did not answer he just kept walking up the street “I said where are you going?” asked the same bully but this time his voice was harsher. Like always anger rose in Chriss’s mind and heart, but this time Chriss felt something snap as if his time had finally come. Before he knew what he was doing and to the bully’s surprise Chriss turned back and shouted “It’s none of your business where I go you downright dimwitted bully’s so just shut up and mind your own business” realizing what he had done Chriss started running for his life. The wind pushed towards him stopping him from running as fast as he could. He could feel himself slowing down. Chriss then heard a familiar rig of a bicycle bell and then it struck him. He knew he could run faster than the fat bully’s but they had automatic electric powered bikes with mini computers attached to them so the bully’s could stop the bikes by saying stop or start the bikes by saying start. The bike was voice activated so if some one else tried to ride the bikes they would be thrown out of the seats. What was worse than all of these things were that when the bully’s peddled the bike at a specific speed the bike would peddle itself until they changed the speed again. Pretty soon the Bully’s caught up the Chriss “so we’re dimwitted eh…well dimwit this!” shouted the biggest bully named Jhon. The bully’s punched Chriss in the chest followed by another 5 punches. 20 minutes later the bully’s teasing left Chriss with a black eye lots of bruises, his t-shirt ripped near the sleeve and his whole body aching. Luckily for Chriss he was used to being bullied so it didn’t hurt him like it used to. The bully’s were bullies and not thieves so they didn’t even glance at the cloud flour bags. “Well….off I go to Eddie’s shop” sighed Chriss taking the cloud flour bags lying near him untouched and unharmed. Chriss walked the rest of the distance muttering curses to the bullies under his breath.





The only thing we need to fear is fear it self
--
Who is not Insane one man ask, the answer being a fool.
Are you Insane the same man asks, - "Oh yes!. The Mad Hatter being saner!"
  





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Sun May 13, 2007 4:41 pm
Esmé says...



Hey, welcome to YWS. You're new, yes? No offence, but this is the wrong place to post your story. Move it to Fiction, you'll get crits over there.

Also, it's better to critique other people's work rather than post your own first. :D You'll get more crits.

Elein
  





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Sun May 13, 2007 4:43 pm
Poor Imp says...



Elein's right - if you want some good feedback, post in the Literary Forums; and it always helps to comment on other people's work first.


Moved to Other Fiction
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Sun May 13, 2007 4:53 pm
Emerson says...



I hate being one of the choir to just give tips and not actually critique, but, you should consider reading this: Before You Post...
“It's necessary to have wished for death in order to know how good it is to live.”
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Sun May 13, 2007 5:04 pm
Firestalker says...



Thank you all
--
Who is not Insane one man ask, the answer being a fool.
Are you Insane the same man asks, - "Oh yes!. The Mad Hatter being saner!"
  





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Sun May 13, 2007 6:39 pm
Archae says...



Hmm... May I make one, simple, perfectly normal suggestion?

Paragraphs my friend!

And thus, I am done... :roll:

Arch xxx
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Sun May 13, 2007 8:25 pm
Snoink says...



Eep! You must format your story into paragraphs if you want any helpful critiques. O_o
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Sun May 13, 2007 8:32 pm
Cpt. Smurf says...



Yes, I'm afraid I must agree, it is extroadinarily difficult for us to critique a piece with no paragraphs. The sooner you add them, the sooner I will come back to critique. :)

-Kaz
There's always been a lot of tension between Lois and me, and it's not so much that I want to kill her, it's just, I want her to not be alive anymore.

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Mon May 14, 2007 1:47 pm
Firestalker says...



One question
HOW THE HELL DO YOU SEPARATE A STORY INTO PARAGRAPHS????????????????????








The only thing to fear is fear it self.
--
Who is not Insane one man ask, the answer being a fool.
Are you Insane the same man asks, - "Oh yes!. The Mad Hatter being saner!"
  





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Mon May 14, 2007 1:56 pm
Firestalker says...



Check this out (I tried to seperate it)



Correct it!!!!








Chapter 1

Chriss



It was midday in Felon. Felon was a small village in the middle of New.k a large continent. Even though Felon is surrounded by other cities and towns Felon was almost completely isolated from the surrounding settlements. They get essential resources like salt from the magicians.
Chriss was up in his home up in a tree house, at the north edge of Felon. It wasn’t much of a house, it had a bed a table and a large drawer all stuffed in the only room in it. Chriss ate at Eddie’s house so he didn’t need to cook or eat in his tree house. His tree house was made on the branches of an oak tree. His mother had got the villagers to make the tree house and then one day she had left him alone in the tree house. She had left letters on almost everyone’s doors. Once Chriss became seven the villagers had given the tree house to him to live. It was hard for a fifteen year old boy to find a job in New.k (name of the country). He didn’t need money yet because unlike other towns in New.k almost everything was free for citizens under the age of twenty three, but Chriss knew that when he was older he would need all the money he had to make a living. Unlike other children Chriss only liked to do a handful of things like magic, boating and exploring, but unluckily the magician’s guild was for children over sixteen only and even then you had to have special qualities and there weren’t any boating schools in Felon because it was not even close to the sea or a large tank. It was next to the unexplored dangerous Nwens which was full of paranormal and mythical creatures. So the only thing Chriss could do was exploring. Chriss’s real name is Christopher Kingsley, but Christopher was always called Chriss by his friends and enemies so he made it his nickname. It took time but he finally mastered the clever fighting arts of zizan and fighting with his daggers. Chriss always wanted to have a sword but for citizens under the age of twenty three it was illegal, but even when he learnt to fight with his body Chriss could not fight against his enemies the bully’s. When Chriss was ten years old he had made solemn oath that he would become friends with a Ghost, but once he grew up he learnt that the citizens in Felon despised Ghosts and other mysterious creatures, but even then Chriss did not give up he still waits for the chance to find the Ghost.
“Chriss! .... Chriss! .......where are you lad? I’ve got a job for you and I’m willing to pay you” came a rough voice which Chriss instantly recognized it to be Mr. Jarvis’s. Chriss’s eyes brightened it wasn’t usually that he got a job for money. “What is it Mr. Jarvis?” Chriss asked climbing down the tree house as fast as he dared “well…I’d like you to get these bags of cloud flour to Eddie’s shop” replied Mr. Jarvis “I’ll pay you five dollars if you do the job well”.
Chriss’s face turned pale Eddies shop was the only bakery in town it used to be on tree road just next to Chriss’s tree house, opposite to Mr. Jarvis’s shop. But later Eddie thought of moving it to Prigs Street. Chriss had to carry two sacks of cloud flour up hill then turn right to Prigs Street and walk until he reached Eddies shop. Luckily for Chriss the flour he had to carry was not normal flour it was cloud flour. Cloud flour is a kind of flour made by adding some chemicals found in clouds to the flour which makes the flour light like a feather, but the reason Chriss’s face tuned pale was that he had to pass the bully’s’ house which belonged to the most ruthless bully’s in Felon and their half mad parents.
The bully’s favorite children to bully were Chriss, Colin and Zack. Zack’s whole name is Zackuin Wilson but since it sounds like a girls name he introduces himself as Zack. Zack was very fearless (but not stupid to fight the bully’s) and forward. Colin on the other hand didn’t talk much except to Zack; he is a very smart boy and is so secretive no one in Felon even knows his full name. Surprisingly, even though they had much in common Chriss wasn’t friends with them. Chriss didn’t have any proper friends of his age since he was shy, secretive and silent sometimes (mostly in school) Chriss’s friends were hypothetically the imaginary characters in books. Sometimes when he talks to his imaginary friends he drifts into an imaginary dream world.
Even though Chriss might get pulverized by the bully’s Chriss couldn’t say no to a chance like this so taking a deep breath he said “yes, I’ll do it Mr. Jarvis” So Chriss taking the money and sacks walked up the street. Once Chriss had sighted the bully’s house he started muttering “Their not here, their not …..” But Chriss could not finish what he was saying for suddenly a bully shouted “well look who’s here Master. Dumb where are you are going Master. Dumb of Foolishton?” But Chriss did not answer he just kept walking up the street “I said where are you going?” asked the same bully but this time his voice was harsher. Like always anger rose in Chriss’s mind and heart, but this time Chriss felt something snap as if his time had finally come. Before he knew what he was doing and to the bully’s surprise Chriss turned back and shouted “It’s none of your business where I go you downright dimwitted bully’s so just shut up and mind your own business” realizing what he had done Chriss started running for his life.
The wind pushed towards him stopping him from running as fast as he could. He could feel himself slowing down. Chriss then heard a familiar rig of a bicycle bell and then it struck him. He knew he could run faster than the fat bully’s but they had automatic electric powered bikes with mini computers attached to them so the bully’s could stop the bikes by saying stop or start the bikes by saying start. The bike was voice activated so if some one else tried to ride the bikes they would be thrown out of the seats. What was worse than all of these things were that when the bully’s peddled the bike at a specific speed the bike would peddle itself until they changed the speed again. Pretty soon the Bully’s caught up the Chriss “so we’re dimwitted eh…well dimwit this!” shouted the biggest bully named Jhon.
The bully’s punched Chriss in the chest followed by another 5 punches. 20 minutes later the bully’s teasing left Chriss with a black eye lots of bruises, his t-shirt ripped near the sleeve and his whole body aching. Luckily for Chriss he was used to being bullied so it didn’t hurt him like it used to. The bully’s were bullies and not thieves so they didn’t even glance at the cloud flour bags. “Well….off I go to Eddie’s shop” sighed Chriss taking the cloud flour bags lying near him untouched and unharmed. Chriss walked the rest of the distance muttering curses to the bullies under his breath.
--
Who is not Insane one man ask, the answer being a fool.
Are you Insane the same man asks, - "Oh yes!. The Mad Hatter being saner!"
  





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Mon May 14, 2007 8:17 pm
Writersdomain says...



Paragraphing tips:

1. Whenever you change speakers, new paragraph
2. Whenever you change ideas in your narration, new paragraph
3. To format paragraphs on YWS, hit the 'enter' button until an extra line exists between each paragraph, then submit.

In example:

Unlike other children Chriss only liked to do a handful of things like magic, boating and exploring, but unluckily the magician’s guild was for children over sixteen only and even then you had to have special qualities and there weren’t any boating schools in Felon because it was not even close to the sea or a large tank. It was next to the unexplored dangerous Nwens which was full of paranormal and mythical creatures. So the only thing Chriss could do was exploring.

Chriss’s real name is Christopher Kingsley, but Christopher was always called Chriss by his friends and enemies so he made it his nickname. It took time but he finally mastered the clever fighting arts of zizan and fighting with his daggers. Chriss always wanted to have a sword but for citizens under the age of twenty three it was illegal, but even when he learnt to fight with his body Chriss could not fight against his enemies the bully’s.

When Chriss was ten years old he had made solemn oath that he would become friends with a Ghost, but once he grew up he learnt that the citizens in Felon despised Ghosts and other mysterious creatures, but even then Chriss did not give up he still waits for the chance to find the Ghost.

“Chriss! .... Chriss! .......where are you lad? I’ve got a job for you and I’m willing to pay you” came a rough voice which Chriss instantly recognized it to be Mr. Jarvis’s.

Chriss’s eyes brightened it wasn’t usually that he got a job for money. “What is it Mr. Jarvis?” Chriss asked climbing down the tree house as fast as he dared

“well…I’d like you to get these bags of cloud flour to Eddie’s shop” replied Mr. Jarvis “I’ll pay you five dollars if you do the job well”.

Chriss’s face turned pale Eddies shop was the only bakery in town it used to be on tree road just next to Chriss’s tree house, opposite to Mr. Jarvis’s shop. But later Eddie thought of moving it to Prigs Street. Chriss had to carry two sacks of cloud flour up hill then turn right to Prigs Street and walk until he reached Eddies shop. Luckily for Chriss the flour he had to carry was not normal flour it was cloud flour. Cloud flour is a kind of flour made by adding some chemicals found in clouds to the flour which makes the flour light like a feather, but the reason Chriss’s face tuned pale was that he had to pass the bully’s’ house which belonged to the most ruthless bully’s in Felon and their half mad parents.


Some of the narration paragraphs are very tentative, as I don't know how you want to separate idea,s but I hope that helps a little. :wink:
~ WD
If you desire a review from WD, post here

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Mon May 14, 2007 8:23 pm
Royboy says...



Hey yeah, everything they've said. Also, you can press edit at the top of your original post to fix it up without having to post an entire new comment with your story. We only need to see it once on the thread! I'll come back another time to actually critique. =]
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Tue May 15, 2007 3:39 pm
Firestalker says...



THANKS a lot specially Writersdomain

Keep posting if anyone has any new tips or helps


See ya soon



The only thing to fear is fear it self.
--
Who is not Insane one man ask, the answer being a fool.
Are you Insane the same man asks, - "Oh yes!. The Mad Hatter being saner!"
  





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Wed Aug 27, 2008 5:09 am
RowanHowler says...



Hello,


Comments:


This piece is really rich with interesting ideas. being friends with a ghost seems potentially an important part of the story. Instead of throwing all this backstory as your first chapter, my suggestion would be to take one of these ideas and just start with some action and then weave facts in. Have Chris talking to a ghost and then have him hide this from the rest of the town. Dialogue and action are the best way to begin stories, in my opinion. You can introduce most needed facts through speech which at the same time will characterize your MC.

Chriss’s real name is Christopher Kingsley, but Christopher was always called Chriss by his friends and enemies so he made it his nickname. - This seems like unnecessary emphasis on his nickname, which most people have. Christopher Kingsley, Chris for short, blah blah (another sentence.) Some things should just be blended in instead of getting their own sentence unless it is important that he goes by chris.


I think this chapter was cute but there never seemed to be much at risk since the MC didn't even mind being beaten up much. I think this could be developed into a much more compact piece and work on bringing out some of the more interesting facets of the piece. For example, knife fighting, the other fighting skill mention,more about his tree house and what he does in his spare time if he has absolutely no friends. I look forward to reading future drafts.



Suggetsions:

First things first, press Edit and go ahead and put a space between each paragraph of the original writing, not the second post. SOrry you keep getting flack for this, lol, it's hard to adjust and I learned the hard way too.

t was midday in Felon. Felon was a small village in the middle of New.k a large continent. Even though Felon is surrounded by other cities and towns Felon was almost completely isolated from the surrounding settlements.- repetition here, consider "It was midday in Felon, a small village in the middle of the continent of New.k. Even though Felon was surrounded by other cities and towns, it was almost completely isolated from the surrounding settlements.

how is it isolated? trees? Water?

MAIN SUGGETSION_ try really hard to stay in past tense (did, was, had . . .) rather than switching back between that and present ( do, is, has). This gets really confusing. This happens a lot so I won't point them all out.

MAIN UGGESTION try to get rid of unneeded words. eg- His mother had got the villagers to make the tree house should be "His mother had the villagers to make the tree house" This also riddles the story.

MAIN SUGGESTION- don't repeat words if at all possible. If you are writing about a noun, like tree house, don't take a separate sentence with that same word in it for ever separate comment about it. try to condense. eg- The tree house was new. The tree house la on the edge of the town. The tree house was spooky. can be "Jared's new spooky tree house lay just outside the town. Or, if that is too packed make part of it more of a subject. eg- Jared's new tree house lay on the edge of town. The mist hung in a perpetual veil around the wood, creating a damp chill despite Jared wrapping up in his warmest clothes.
whenever possible you will want to show instead of tell. Make things into scenes with dialogue if you can instead of just stating them. This is a really hard part of writing and I have trouble with it as well. It's also, unfortunately, very very important to keep reader's attention.
Is it any wonder I'm tired?
Is it any wonder that I feel uptight?
Is it any wonder I don't know what's right?
Keane
  





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Wed Aug 27, 2008 5:14 pm
Lord Anzius says...



I think that in the start of the chapter when you jumped from straight from the VERY short explanation of the setting to the actual story was a bit irritating to put it blunt. It confused me that you just jumped so fast without any kind of spacing in between to the next subject, I would have liked to know more about this new.k place.
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