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Young Writers Society


Sydney, Lies, Jilian and Spies



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Gender: None specified
Points: 915
Reviews: 1
Mon Jan 02, 2012 5:47 pm
emilyg9 says...



Prologue


Her father was a traitor.
Her brother was lucky.
Her mother was clueless.
But not Jilian.

Maybe it was her freakishly white hair that spilled past her shoulders, her
small, weightless body, the little dog that followed her everywhere, or her big
smile, but Jilian McLoid was one of the two most popular girls at Soaring
Heights Middle School in Franklin, Ohio. The other was her best friend, Sydney
Watts. The kids at Soaring Heights loved Jilian and Sydney. That was the reason
she liked to stay late at school and join different after school activities and
try and be with Sydney as much as possible. That was because the one person who
truly hated her was at home, the one group of people who didn’t love her, the
one place she knew she wasn’t safe. Her dad, her family, her home.

Jilian was short for her age, and she really light hair had been something that
had made her stand out from the other kids at school. But at home, she wasn’t
admired for her beauty, or her smile or for the things she said that usually
people laughed at. Her brother either ignored or annoyed her and her father
either ignored her or tried to make her life miserable, but 99% of the time, he
flat out hated her. Her mom was different. It was obvious she loved her, but she
didn’t understand. Ever since her little brother was born ten years ago, they
both loved him best. He was always interested in the same things, and everyone
thought he was adorable. But only Jilian knew the truth. He would trip and say
she pushed him, or suck on his arm and come up with a bruise and say she punched
him, and the same thing always happened. He ran crying to their parents (who
acted more like his parents) and screamed and blamed her. Then her parents would
get mad at her and send her to her room for an hour. They always believed him
and never bothered to even listen to her. But maybe that was best. Especially
best that one night in early September, the night after the first day of school,
on that sleepover that changed her life.






Chapter 1

It all started that night Sydney had a sleepover at my house after the first day
of seventh grade.
"So, what now?" Asked Sydney. It was 10:15 and we had already watched two
movies, played three board games, and sat and talked for about an hour about how
we liked seventh grade so far.
"I don’t know, what do you wanna do?" I asked her. She giggled. This was
somewhat of a joke between the two of us. We sat in silence for a minute before
she looked at me and said in such a voice that I felt a little scared, "Let's be
spies!" I looked at her. Wasn’t that like, totally weird and immature boyish
thing to do?
"Uhhh.... isn’t that kinda.... like.... weird?" I asked her. She smiled a very
wicked smile.
"Yeah, I know! My brother had a bunch of friends over, so I spied on them, it
was so funny! You never know what you'll find out!"
Little did we know just what that stuff could be. I smiled.
"Ok, who first?"
"Your brother".

Five minutes later, we stood outside my brothers’ bedroom door, which had a sign
that said "Luke's room-KEEP OUT!" yep; my brother’s name is Luke. He got a
totally innocent name while I got stuck with Jilian. Sydney put her ear against
the door. After listening, she beckoned for me to do the same. I heard him
talking to someone, but I couldn’t here the response. Sydney held up her hand to
her ear. Ohhh. I get it. He's talking on the phone. "To who?" I asked her in
sign language. We had taken a sign language class last year.
"I don’t know" she responded. But it felt useless. He was only talking about
homework. After a few more minutes of that, Sydney moved back downstairs.
"Well?" She asked.
"That was pretty boring." I said.
"Lets go spy on your parents!" Sydney said, jumping up and rushing towards my
dads office. I shook my head. When Sydney got her heart set on something, it
happened.
Little did she know what her little plan would reveal.

I glanced around. The light coming from my dad’s office illuminated Sydney’s
face. I could hear him inside, talking on his phone. My mom was nowhere to be
seen.
"Ok, I think it's safe" Sydney whispered, tiptoeing towards the door. I had no
choice but to follow her. "What ar.." Sydney held her finger up to my lips,
cutting my words of.
"Shhhhh" I could hear my dad's voice. "Yeah, I can’t believe the scores for that
game last Sunday" I rolled my eyes. My dad was a huge sports fan, no wonder he
was talking about sports with his friend.
"Oh yeah, they totally should have won" He replied to something I couldn’t hear.
"Lets go. This is going to be super boring,” I told Sydney.
"Wait" was her only reply. I listened some more. This was getting really boring.
I didn’t want to hear him talk about sports anymore. Wait...I don’t think he's
talking about sports anymore!
"My what? Oh, that! Yes, it’s going good. I don’t think anyone suspects a
thing." He paused, then said
"Oh yeah, she doesn’t know! She thinks she married the best Sports Writer in
the world! She doesn’t think she married a" He stopped; my mom was coming down
the hall.
"I'll meet you Tuesday night, 9:00 sharp, at Mitchs" he whispered quickly into
the phone, then hung up and I heard the clicking of his computer keys. Sydney
and I slunk into the shadow.
"Hi honey. How’s work?" asked my mom, coming into my dads office.
"Oh its fine, I think I'm gonna call it a night though" he replied, turning out
the light and heading up the stairs. Once they were both gone, Sydney and I
rushed back to my room.
"Wow" Sydney breathed. "Now, what does he mean 'she doesn’t know? Know what? And
what was he going to say when your mom walked in?" I didn’t know the answer to
any of those questions. I had thought my dad was just a boring old sports
writer, but it was beginning to become clear that he was a whole lot more.
  





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Points: 915
Reviews: 1
Mon Jan 02, 2012 9:04 pm
emilyg9 says...



If you guys liked it and would like more (I have written more) please comment and tell me :P
  





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Gender: Female
Points: 15440
Reviews: 245
Wed Jan 04, 2012 2:07 am
creativityrules says...



Hello there, Emily! Rose here to review!!

Overall, this is a very good piece. The best part about it, for me, is the style of your writing. I didn't find myself stumbling over it; it wasn't overly wordy and was beautifully simple. Great job there.

However, I'm not nearly as crazy about other aspects of the story. I'm going to point them out. Remember, at the end of the day, your opinion is what matters most. The most important thing to remember is that you need to stay true to what you like and how you write about it; in the end, your unique point of view and way of expressing it is what's going to set you apart from the thousands of other writers out there.

Let's start by taking a look at the prologue.

Her father was a traitor.
Her brother was lucky.
Her mother was clueless.
But not Jilian.


I'm truly not sure how i feel about this. At first glance, I wondered if it was some sort of poem, but reading on into the story convinced me that it was basically a synopsis. In some ways, I like it because I haven't seen it before; at the same time, I'm not a huge fan of it because it feels sort of poetic and I'm not sure that it fits with the rest of the story. So, yeah. If I were you, I'd probably omit this simply because I'm not crazy about it, but that's just me.

Maybe it was her freakishly white hair that spilled past her shoulders, her
small, weightless body, the little dog that followed her everywhere, or her big
smile, but Jilian McLoid was one of the two most popular girls at Soaring
Heights Middle School in Franklin, Ohio.


I wasn't sure if I was going to like this character when I first read this. I'm usually much more of a fan of the underdog than the popular people, and I was hoping this story wouldn't be all perfect. Going on into the rest of the piece, you definitely convinced me to like the character, so you saved her. I would definitely consider editing the above sentence so that I don't get the impression that Jillian is a human Barbie before I learn more about her and how awesome she is.

The last criticism I have of this piece is strictly technical. I noticed that the sentences of this are broken at some parts, like so:

"My what? Oh, that! Yes, it’s going good. I don’t think anyone suspects a
thing." He paused, then said
"Oh yeah, she doesn’t know! She thinks she married the best Sports Writer in
the world! She doesn’t think she married a" He stopped; my mom was coming down
the hall.


I would edit this so that the sentences are even and fill the browser. Also, I would leave a line blank between paragraphs to separate them completely. It will look much smoother to the eye.

All in all, amazing work! I would love to read more of this; in fact, when you post more, I would love it if you PMed me to let me know when it's up!

Always keep writing!

-Rose
“...it's better to feel the ache inside me like demons scratching at my heart than it is to feel numb the way a dead body feels when you touch it."

-Brian James
  





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Gender: None specified
Points: 915
Reviews: 1
Wed Jan 04, 2012 8:24 pm
emilyg9 says...



Thanks Rose!
Yes, I've had a couple people point out stuff like that about the character, and I'm currently trying to fix it! :)
Also, sorry about the spacing and such. I just switched computers and dont have the writing program I usually use and the new one is messing with my spacing :/
Thank you so much for reviewing it! I have 6 chapters, if you think I should post them~!
  








Imagination is the one weapon in the war against reality.
— Jules de Gaultier