Young Writers Society

I sat atop a cabin over looking a lake out in a forest, I began to think to myself the events that lead up to me being where I was. Nearly a thousand miles away from home, no parents around to guide me here, my friends were only a few miles away. Ever since the wolves came for me and waking up in the house surrounded by wolves, I shown no fear to them even if they had been growling at them the whole time. I was a tall guy no more than 5'5 I had sweats on with a yellow shirt with a design on it. My black straight hair was somewhat of a mess from sleeping on the ground. I drew my sword’s in preparation for battle then I heard the voice.

“Good, you are calm in the face of danger Luis” the voice said.

“I have faced the numbers game many times before at school, what makes you certain I will fear it now.” I questioned.

“If you are to show fear anytime now and until you complete your training my wolves will not hesitate to kill you.” The voice said.

A single wolf came out from the ranks and in a grayish black wolf sat before me. The wolf’s stare vigilant and demanding of respect. But I smiled at what she had said.

“Am I the only one who doesn’t fear death? trust me wolf if you are to attack me I shall do my damnest to destroy your pack.” I said sternly.

“Empty threat’s is all you can make against me for I am Lupa! The wolf who gave shelter to Romulus and Remus.” She said.

I held my swords in my hands in my right hand a short almost dagger like sword with a leather hilt and a a golden blade, in my left a long sword its hilt was black with its hand guard the blade itself is a bronze like black. I held the two swords at my sides remembering the feel of using both at once, it had been such a long time since I had held both at once.

“Bring it on Lupa I am ready for battle.” I said.

“Your fight is not with me young one your first test is right outside.” she said walking towards the door of the house.

For once I noticed it was dark here but it was bright enough to tell I was in a huge mantion and we were only in the flour of the place, I follow Lupa outside and noticed a tall man standing outside his shirt was tattered and ripped and so was his jeans he must have been homeless or something.

“You see that man over there?” Lupa said.

I nodded keeping quite something was not quite right about this guy.

“He is a cyclops one that roams the streets eating other cyclopes children and hurting and killing other demigods.” She said.


The moment she had said “demigod” my blood began to boil.

“Are you ready for combat?” Lupa said.

I nodded and I opened the door and walked outside, it was warm outside with a small town that seemed deserted. I noticed wolves were fighting the big guy must have been about five or six wolves all attacking at once, they backed off from the cyclops as I approached.

“Where is that coward goddess Lupa at! I demand a battle with her!” He bellowed.

I instinctively drew my small golden sword to my side and waited for the monster to attack.

“I have deemed you unworthy of challenging me to battle, instead you face my champion.” Lupa said.

“Coward goddess! Fight your own battles!” The cyclops bellowed.

As I drew closer I noticed changes in the cyclops he was taller than I first made him out to be and he had no shirt on and only a loincloth to hide his other parts I also noticed scars on his back. He looked somewhat like a caveman if it wasn’t for his big white eye and his grayish skin.

“So now I must face a shrimp demigod GWHAHAHA Lupa you have sealed your fate.” The cyclops said.

“Trust me, one eye I much more dangerous than you see.” I said.

His hands swatted me aside like a fly I landed on the grass hands first, I my vision blurred from pain of the swat he gave but shock it off. I got back up and charged after him I saw his hand coming back from the left I ducked and stabbed at his stomach I I barely pierced it before his hand grabbed me and picked me up into the air and his face came close to mine.

“Stupid mortal do you think you can defeat me?” He said.

“Yea one flaw to the fact you picked me up maybe you shouldn’t have came so close!” I said stabbing my sword right in his eye.

He let go and I pulled my short sword out and fell to the ground then I heard Lupa.

“End this Luis.” She said.

“On it.” I said.

I ran up to him and stabbed in the knee, he roared again getting down on one knee. The back of his head clear as day I took the short sword in both hands raised it above my head and stabbed downwards cutting deep into the cyclops skull, The cyclops dissolving into gold dust before me.

Hi there! Hawk here for a review.

All right, so I think you'd have a really good story here - but grammatically, it's very difficult to read. I had a lot of trouble following the storyline and knowing what was going on. Everything felt very jumbled and confused, and the story just didn't flow very well.

I'd suggest reading your story aloud; this should bring your attention to the parts that don't read very well. It should also help you with your flow; you've got quite a few run-on sentences that need to be broken up and punctuated correctly. For example, just your first sentence alone could be easily separated into two different ones, like this:

Before wrote:I sat atop a cabin over looking a lake out in a forest, I began to think to myself the events that lead up to me being where I was.

After wrote:I sat atop a cabin overlooking a lake out in a forest. I began to think to myself about the events that had lead led up to me being where I was.

I corrected a few grammatical problems I noticed, but you see how having a period in there also makes it flow nicely? It's much easier if you're reading it aloud; you don't have to take a massive breath just to fit it all in. So, read aloud and take note of those sentences that sound long.

Another issue I noticed was your punctuation, especially in regards to the dialogue. It's a tricky thing, knowing when you're supposed to place a comma in there or when you need to capitalize a letter - so, take a look at this post, which explains the rules beautifully.

Now, for the story itself, I think you've got something with real potential. I, for one, am a lover of Roman/Greek mythology. I like the fact that the wolf, Lupa, is mentoring Luis; that just gives her a certain gravity, a three-dimensional element to her, and I enjoy that in characters. I feel like Luis had too easy of a time with the cyclops, however; I think you could have extended that scene and shown more action. I felt like, just as I was gearing up for a good action scene, it was over, without much inconvenience to Luis. That was kind of a letdown, and I think you could have made it more of an epic battle. After all, this is where we get to find out what techniques Luis uses during battle and how perhaps cyclops have a certain trick they use, just little details that make it seem more realistic (well, as much as it can in a fantasy world).

The last thing I'd like to say is to set the scene with more descriptions. Right now, I don't have a great picture of the tableau you've painted, and I'd like to feel as if I'm immersed in the story, not looking at it all happening in a cramped, confusing tangle. The best way to work on this is to take a look through some of your favorite novels; pay attention to the way the authors describe the scenes, and what the characters are doing, details like that, and try to emulate it with your own writing.

All right, that's all I've got to say. I hope I've helped; please feel free to let me know if you have any questions or whatnot.

Cheers!
~Hawk

Thank you Ranger Hawk, It's been a headache with not being reviewed like I wanted and seeing other stories after mine getting replies. But I can finally get back to my writing edit this though and then post the next chapter, (I've only wrote three chapters so far.) But yea time to get back to work.

Again thank you,
MasterLHeart.