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May the World Burn, Chapter Four



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Mon Dec 19, 2011 2:32 am
Misfit says...



Spoiler! :
Hello, please read all previous chapters to prevent confusion. Please and thank you.(: ~ Misfit ~



4


I watch helplessly as he inches closer. My mouth slacks open dumbly, and I hear the small clicks as Brea’s feet continue to descend the ladder. Come on, Brea. Hurry up. I think to myself, for I find that I cannot speak once again.
“I told you I would be checking up,” he says so that only I would hear it.
I do not reply. Instead I continue to stare blankly at his advancing form.
“Come on now, Joy. Where on Earth are your manners?” he says as a smoky laugh escapes him. Still, he strolls steadily towards me.
I decide to play along. “Up there,” I say as I point up above ground.
“Well, unfortunately you’ll have to be without your manners for a little while then, eh?”
“Guess so,” I say as I add a shrug for effect.
“Jo, what the hell is going on?” Brea says from right behind me. Odd, I didn’t notice her.
“Umm, nothing,” I say hurriedly. “Nothing at all.”
“Then who’s your man friend?” Brea says, her mouth forming into a flirtatious smile.
“I think some introductions are in order, pet.” The man says. He is only feet away now.
“I don’t feel like it,” I say, trying to keep my cool. God, I hope he can’t tell how nervous I really am.
“Joy, don’t mess with me. Who is that?” Brea says impatiently.
I turn on Brea angrily. “I don’t know who the hell that is! But when I find out I’ll let you know, or is that too much waiting for you?”
Brea does not reply. Instead she looks away. Crawling into that imaginary shell of hers. I have hurt her and she wants me to feel sorry, but to tell the truth I am not in the mood right now. Brea can go deal with it.
“Tsk-tsk.” he says. “You really are disappointing me, Joy. I clearly told you to not bring anyone else into our little deal,” he says regarding Brea. “You find the way out and stay put here until I tell you to leave this place. Then do everything I say once you are up above. That was the plan, silly girl.”
“I don’t remember you saying any of that,” I say nervously.
“I didn’t?” he says as he pretends to be surprised at his forgetfulness. “Well, I am sorry for that. But I’m afraid your little friend is a big no-no,” he says as he shakes his finger from side to side, grinning.
“Fine,” I say. “I’ll make sure she doesn’t hang around me anymore,” I say with as much courage as I can. As if it will cover the lie I had just told.
“What do you take me for, Jo?” He says.
“What do you mean?” I say, playing dumb.
“Do you take me for some kind of fool?”
“Not at all,” I say coyly.
“Well then, maybe you should stop lying to me,” he growls. “We both know what has to happen to your friend here. And things would be so much easier if you didn’t try to stop me,” he says as his smile seems to grow, brandishing the knife precariously in his hand.
I feel Brea go rigid next to me. “Joy, please don’t let him get to me,” Brea says as she looks at me, her eyes pleading. I look back at my friend, who without my help, will surely be killed.
“I’m sorry, but I can’t let you do that,” I say strongly as I feel Brea grab onto my hand. I squeeze back to reassure her that I have things handled.
“I told you not to do that, pet. We have some obedience issues to work on,” He says as he holds up a remote of some sort.
“What is that?” I say quietly.
“Oh I would expect you of all people to know the answer to that question, pet.” He says playfully.
“I’m sorry to disappoint,” I say sarcastically.
“Well pet, it is the remote that controls the training dummies,” he says simply.
“Really?” I say holding back a laugh. “That is what you’re going to use to beat us?”
“Of course. You know what they say, ‘beat them at their own game.’ I am very good at games, pet,” he says simply.
“Why don’t you get off your lazy ass and fight us yourself? I mean, someone like you could definitely take a couple of inexperienced girls like us,” I say, hoping he will believe me.
“Really, pet. I don’t see why you bother to continue to lie to me. It’s pathetic,” he says as he pushes a few of the buttons on the remote. A few second later the clay dummies come to life. Instead of coming for Brea and I like they usually do, they turn the other way. I am confused as to what they’re doing until I realize that they are headed towards the weaponry.
I nod to Brea as we head in the same direction as fast as we can. She quickly grabs two swords, and I snatch up a handgun, unable to retrieve any daggers.
Brea and I run to the cover of the trees as we look around to see the dummies quickly advancing and that man holding the remote, controlling them. I look at Brea and whisper, “Up the ladder. Now!”
Brea gawks at me, unsure of what my motives are.
“Just do it.”
Silently we sink back and begin ascending the expanse of the steel ladder.
“Wait,” I hear him say below us.
“No!” Brea and I call back, stopped in the middle of the ladder.
As I look down I see all of the clay figures, gathered around the ladder. As if we were cats stuck in a tree and them, the enraged, frustrated canines. Then, my gaze rests on his unwavering sapphire blue eyes.
He stares at me coolly. “You may keep your friend, but I do not approve, pet.”
“I don’t really care.” I call down.
“Well, I’ll keep in touch then,” he says as he then looks at Brea. “With both of you.”
Next thing I know, he is gone and all of the dummies are returned to their they’re eerie stillness.
“Right,” I say quickly, climbing back down. “Let’s go back to bed.”


+++


I crawl under the scratchy woolen blanket in a state of shock. I suddenly realize the trouble that Brea and I were just in. I saved us. I smile to myself, I know it’s selfish, but I feel really good that I was the hero and Brea the damsel in distress. It makes me feel more superior, even though I know I shouldn’t feel that way. I really did it! I stopped him from killing her. So why shouldn’t I feel good about it?

I wake up about an hour later to go to mess, and I couldn’t possibly feel any worse. With every labored step, my muscles scream in protest. I wish I could just go into a quiet corner somewhere and sleep forever. Since I can’t, I decide to continue walking. I suddenly feel a slap on my back. Ouch. I spin around to see Brea, “Oh, hey.” I say.
“Joy, you saved my life last night,” Brea mutters, completely serious.
“I wouldn’t say that. I just helped out. You definitely could have done it yourself,” I say, trying to be modest.
She looks at me stonily. “Joy, we both know he would have killed me.” Then she smiles. “And you really are the worst liar ever!”
“Oh shut it,” I say, trying to hold back a laugh of my own.
She laughs, giving me a playful punch on the arm.
“Ow!” I exclaim.
“Ow?”
“I’m sore all over. You have no idea how strenuous it is to save your sorry butt every five minutes,” I say quietly.
“I am, too, Jo. Stop being such a baby,” she jokes.
“I like being a baby,” I say. “Babies don’t get hurt and don’t have to save the life of their best friend from some kind of sociopath,” I state simply.
Brea looks as though she will crawl into her little shell again, but then replaces the expression with one of those bright smiles that makes you feel as if everything’s alright. “I’m glad you’re my best friend, Jo,” she proclaims with a wink and a coy smile.
“I may want to take that one back if I were you,” I say, playing along.
“No can do, Jo. Once you say ‘best friend’, it is never undone. You’re stuck with me forever,” she says.
“Then may heaven help me,” I say as we both start to laugh like maniacs--as if last night had never happened.
“I think I’m the one who should be helped! I’m stuck with someone who constantly attracts danger!”
“Danger attracts me,” I say as I wiggle my eyebrows playfully.
With that, Brea throws her arms around me and I feel like I finally have one person in the world I can trust.


+++


As always, Brea and I decide to work with the dummies in the training arena. Something’s odd, though. As much as we want to totally demolish anything in our path, we find that we just simply cannot. Every time one of the clay figures pops up behind a couple trees, instead of attacking like we should, we shrink away. I guess the fact that Brea almost got murdered last night because of those dummies is finally starting to take effect.
Brea makes another feeble attempt at defeating another dummy. It falls, but it is just as if it is falling in slow motion. The dummy doesn’t crumble with the same desired thud it used to. Instead it makes a painful thonk. Brea immediately stalks off to the changing area; I can tell that she is struggling with the concept that she is somewhat afraid of the gears and bolts embedded into the fake body. I’m sure she should be more scared of that man who had actually tried to kill her.
After completely missing a couple of targets, I decide to try and find Brea in the changing room.
I quietly enter to see her angrily putting on her boots, so I say, “Be careful not to ruin your shoes, Brea. You know they only give us a few pairs.”
She looks as if she hadn’t heard a single word of what I’d said. Awesome, if she’s going to be this sorry for herself I should just leave her to it. Just as I’m about to turn my back and get out of there she simply mutters, “I want to leave tomorrow.”
“Why?” I ask.
“I can’t take being here a second longer. You know I’ll leave without you if you decide to be such a spoil sport,” she says. Clearly the old Brea we all love so much is resurfacing. Oh what a joy.
“Then I have no choice now do I?” I say happily because I, too, want to get out of here as soon as possible. And now with means of escape, we can and I’m not letting some maniac deprive us of freedom.
“Really? We’re getting out? Tomorrow?” she says excitedly.
“Yes,” I agree, “tomorrow.”
The expected hug comes immediately, and like a good friend, I return it.

Throughout the day Brea and I can barely control our anticipation. For instance, during our survival course the commander had to keep saying, “Ladies! If you keep shaking like that while building a fire, you will likely be hurting your chances of surviving!”
“Oh really, we don’t really care!” Brea yells gleefully, but unfortunately, a bit too loud.
“What was that, Miss Stratton?” he yells back.
“Nothing!” I yell. I surely will not let Brea get us both in trouble.
“You girls are clearly not on task, I’m going to have to ask you leave for the day. And trust me, the general will be notified.” he says gruffly.
“Fine, I never did really like fire anyways,” Brea says softly.
“You don’t like fire?” I ask curiously.
“Not at all,” she says simply.
“Why?” I press on.
“I don’t know. It’s always been a phobia of mine, I guess,” she says. “Plus, when I was a little kid, I truly believed that fire was the only thing that could ever harm me. Of course I was being naive, but I guess I still kind of believe it,” she says more to herself than me.
“Oh,” I’m not really sure how to respond to that. “Alrighty then, want to head off to the mess for some supper?” I say, changing the subject.
“Nope, I’m too excited for tomorrow!” she exclaims.
“Same here!” I say, “But I’m still hungry.” I add.
“Oh fine then. Off to mess?”
“Of course! And after mess…” I say.
“Bedtime,” she says, mocking a yawn.
“And after that?” I ask mischievously.
“Umm. We wake up?” she says, confused.
“Then?” I press.
Realization finally finds her, thank God. “Oh! We get out after that!” she says almost jumping up and hitting her head on a pipe.
“Can’t wait!” I say as we leave and head out to the mess hall.

Dinner is spent with many hurried whispers and murmurs as Brea and I discuss what we will do after we escape. The one thing I really love about the mess hall is the lack of guards. They all wait outside the mess, leaving all of us to our own devises.
“I’m going to see my family, in New York,” I add.
“I’ll probably go with you, Jo.” She says sadly.
“What do you mean, what about your parents?”
“I have no family to go back to. Can we please not talk about this?” Brea states.
“Well then, I would be happy to let you meet my family.” I say quickly.
“Really? I can’t believe I am too meet the famous Wotcher clan!” she says, more than happy to change the subject.
“You should be,” I say sarcastically.
“So are we expecting any more late night visits from our mystery man?” Brea asks coyly, but I can tell she is somewhat frightened as well.
“I dunno,” I say quietly. “He just sort of, pops up I guess.”
“Bit stalker-ish wouldn’t you say?”
“Definitely!” I say as I start to laugh.
“Thank God that once we leave that creep can’t try to brainwash you, Jo.” Brea giggles.
I let Brea continue to jabber on as I concentrate on the other side of the mess. Where my dark brown eyes come across his sapphire blue ones. As he catches my eye, I immediately feel a cold wash over me. He then winks, and does a little wave. Not really a pleasant wave, more like a ‘hello there Mr. Turkey. Happy Thanksgiving! You sure would look fantastic next to a few carrots and potatoes! Can’t wait to eat you later! Gobble, gobble, gobble!’ It makes my stomach start to feel queasy. Then just as soon as he appeared, he’s gone. Just like that.


+++


Breakfast now, and Brea and I are even more excited. It’s gotten to the point where we are shaking so badly, some seven year old asks us if we are okay. I swear, if we have to wait much longer I’ll explode. There’ll be little bits of Joy for breakfast instead of the usual slop.


+++


During field training in the arena Brea and I aren’t even practicing. Instead, we continuously stare at the ladder that leads up to our little escape hatch. Our great little secret. I look at the dummies then to Brea.
“One more round for old time’s sake?” I say happily.
“I thought you’d never ask,” Brea says, brightly smiling as she brings up her sword and I push the button to bring fifty enemies upon us.


+++



After dinner, Brea and I get into bed. The trick is that you pretend you are already sleeping, so that when they check to see if you’re asleep and leave you alone. Then after a few hours of napping, you get up and do whatever you please. It’s quite easy. Even in my dreams, I am impatiently waiting to go.

When I wake up, I know it’s time.


+++


I almost leap out of my bunk in anticipation for what is to come. As I pull my uniform over my underclothes, I look up at Nicole and decide to part with her appropriately. So I quickly write a note, simply saying: Good luck, I know you’ll do fine in life. And if ever you want to leave this place, just look in the Arena, You’ll find it, you’re clever. Please don’t come looking for me, it’s too dangerous. I wish I knew you better. Love always, Joy. I tuck the note into the pocket of her uniform; grab my daggers and whatever few possessions I have. This basically consists of three pairs of sneakers, a pair of boots, and only one uniform change (I’ll get some normal clothes once I’m home). Then with one last look over the room that had been my cell for the past ten years I realize that I won’t miss this place at all, so I quietly close the door and walk down the corridor to meet with Brea at the usual spot.
She leaps and hugs me as soon as she spots me. She’s that excited. For once, I act just as giddily, I am just as excited about leaving. We quickly zigzag our way through the corridors to the arena, excitedly whispering about how wonderful it is the entire way.
We were standing right in the doorway to the arena just as we were abruptly stopped by something—no, someone behind us. We both turn around, expecting a guard, but end up with much worse.
“Hello there, pets,” he says, smiling.
Brea and I respond with a stony silence.
“What’s the matter?” He asks, clearly amused.
“Let us go, you creep!” Brea says. “We need to get out! Isn’t that what you want?”
“Well, yes. That is what I want, but you can’t leave right now,” he says as a glimmer of desperation flashes across his face. He quickly tries to hide it, but I have other plans.
“Why not?” I ask, a smile of my own starting to make its way across my lips.
“Just don’t,” he says stonily. “Any night but tonight. Tomorrow, the day after. Anything.” He pleads.
“Well, since you seem unable to answer that question,” I say sarcastically. I intend to make him squirm. “Then will you at least tell us who you are. It’s good to know whose employ you’re in,” I say.
“Well, you seem like sensible girls,” he looks at Brea. “My name is Lucifer.”
“Are you a bad guy?” Brea asks, her own smile starting to show.
“Oh yeah, I’m the devil,” he says as he starts to laugh, as if he had just told the best inside joke ever. “No really, I’m only here to help you, Joy. And I guess, since the pretty one here decided to tag along, I’ll help her too.”
“So you’re a good guy then?” Brea asks, still messing with him.
“Let’s just say I’m extremely neutral.”
“Extremely neutral sounds suspicious, but if Joy is okay with it then I am too.”
“Oh I’m just fine with it,” I say purposefully giving him my best smile ever.
“Then we have a deal?” he says.
“Deal,” Brea and I say in unison.
“Good,” he pauses. “Yes, good.” He says to himself.
“We’re still going,” I say persistently.
“I really don’t want you to, pet.” He says hurriedly.
“You’re getting on my nerves,” I state.
“Well, you aren’t going anywhere, pets and that’s that. Now go off to bed and we can continue this conversation tomorrow, okay?”
“Stop acting like my father and ordering me about!” I proclaim. “I can do whatever I want, and so can Brea.”
“But you see, you really cannot,” he says simply.
“I can go out if I want,” I say, with no intention of going to bed.
“Or,” he says, “you can go and sleep like a good girl.”
“Nah,” I say boredly.
“Joy, stop messing around. Let’s go.” Brea presses.
“Listen to your intelligent friend here. Go to bed,” he says, smiling broadly as he odd as it is, snaps his fingers.
“Listen here! I don’t care if the worlds ending! I am going up that ladder, and getting the hell out of here!”


At that moment, the world did in fact, end.
“Destiny is usually just around the corner. Like a thief, a hooker, or a lottery vendor: its three most common personifications. But what destiny does not do is home visits. You have to go for it.”
― Carlos Ruiz Zafón, The Shadow of the Wind
  





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Mon Dec 19, 2011 5:57 am
dogs says...



"at his advancing form"

This is a good line but I think you could do so much better with it like maybe:

at his ghostly figure that sauntered ominously closer.

"all of the dummies are returned to their they’re eerie stillness."

I would like this line better if you explained and described how the clay figures dragged themselves back to their stands.

“Then I have no choice now do I?' I say happily because I, too, want to get out of here as soon as possible. And now with means of escape, we can and I’m not letting some maniac deprive us of freedom.
'Really? We’re getting out? Tomorrow?' she says excitedly.
'Yes,' I agree, 'tomorrow.'
The expected hug comes immediately, and like a good friend, I return it."

Ok so this entire thing is missing one big part inside of it. This is a momentous decision that Jo has to take. You should tell the reader what is going through Jo's head. She must be weighing out the options as she has done before she goes out on her excursions with Brea looking for a way out, she contemplates her choices and this is a key time you should do it.

"They all wait outside the mess, leaving all of us to our own devises."

So I have nothing wrong directly involving this line but really the entire paragraph in it. I have just noticed that in your entire book so far you have not once mentioned anyone else in the entire prison other then Brea, Joy, and Joy's roommate. This is a big overall flaw for make this real and making a bigger emotional impact on the reader. To increase the kind of feel of the prison you need to add in more girls, you don't have to give them names or anything but they just have to be in the background and they have to be noticed by Joy.

Alrighty! So all and all this is again another fantastic chapter. There were a few snags but I think i caught most of them if not all of them. So this was again, suspenseful and I love the end of the chapter, it keeps the reader with anxiety and desperately waiting for the next chapter. Which I am ;). I like the entire character of Lucifer, how he's creepy and intimidating but still, nevertheless, afraid of Joy and Brea leaving too early. I really have tackled all the big problems above so I have nothing else left to say. Keep up the good work!!!!

TuckEr EllsworTh :smt032
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Tue Jan 10, 2012 3:10 am
Carina says...



review #10 - team yellow

Hi, Carina here again to finish your story!
However, I must say that I nearly jumped to the ceiling when I found out that the "devil" dude's name is Lucifer. (Let's just say I'm kind of writing a novel that involves him.)

Anyways, on to the highlights:

• I have to say, I got pretty excited myself when Jo and Brea were about to leave.
I liked how you divided up the day into choppy little time periods, drawing out their anticipation in each event the day before they were leaving.
• The plan on killing the girls with the dummies is kind of ineffective. I mean, I don't see much point here. Jo and Brea make it seem so scary, but as me as the reader, I just don't see it. Try using more sensory words and descriptions. Remember the five senses: sight, smell, taste, feel, and sound.
• Why didn't they leave when they had the chance? That's what I'm wondering. At first in the last chapter, I thought it was because Jo was wanting to follow Lucifer's advice. Though that's not the case, so try making it clearer to why she wants to stay.
• The suspense is killing me!
• I've noticed for a while that you use other words than "says" after the dialogue a lot. That's good (impressive, even), but at times it just seems too fancy. "Says" (or "said" if past tense, but that's not the case here) is the one you should mainly use. Use the other words like "states," "add," etc only when you feel like if using other words seem too repetitive. Also, keep adjectives to a minimum when you're describing how someone talks. For example, you don't need to say in every other line that Jo says something "simply" or "quickly." You get what I mean? It's not a big deal, though it might perk the reader after a while.

Nitpicks. (Red = I corrected it.)
Come on, Brea. Hurry up(,) I think to myself ...

Instead(,) I continue to stare blankly at his advancing form.

“I think some introductions are in order, pet(,)the man says.

Instead(,) she looks away, crawling into that imaginary shell of hers.

I have hurt her and she wants me to feel sorry, but to tell the truth(,) I am not in the mood right now.

“Tsk-tsk(,)” he says.

" ... I clearly told you to not bring anyone else into our little deal,” he says(,) regarding Brea.

“What do you take me for, Jo?” he says.

“I told you not to do that, pet. We have some obedience issues to work on,” he says as he holds up a remote of some sort.

“Oh(,) I would expect you of all people to know the answer to that question, pet(,)he says playfully.

“Well(,) pet, it is the remote that controls the training dummies,” he says simply.

A few seconds later(,) the clay dummies come to life.

Brea and I run to the cover of the trees as we look around to see the dummies quickly advancing and that man holding the remote, controlling them.
Awkward.

“I don’t really care(,)” I call down.

Next thing I know, he is gone and all of the dummies are returned to their they’re eerie stillness.

I smile to myself(.) I know it’s selfish, but I feel really good that I was the hero and Brea was the damsel in distress.

“Oh, hey(,)” I say.

“Oh(,) shut it,” I say, trying to hold back a laugh of my own.

As much as we want to totally demolish anything everything in our path, we find that we just simply cannot.

Instead(,) it makes a painful thonk.

And [i]Now with means of escape, we can(,) and I’m not letting some maniac deprive us of freedom.

Throughout the day(,) Brea and I can barely control our anticipation.

“Oh really, we don’t really care!”
Delete one of the really's.

“You girls are clearly not on task(.) I’m going to have to ask you leave for the day(,) and trust me, the general will be notified(,)” he says gruffly.

" ... Of course(,) I was being naive, but I guess I still kind of believe it ... "

“Oh(.)” I’m not really sure how to respond to that.

“Same here!” I say(.) “But I’m still hungry.” I add.

“Oh(,) fine then. Off to mess?”

“I’m going to see my family(no comma) in New York,” I add.
“I’ll probably go with you, Jo(,)” she says sadly.
“What do you mean(?) What about your parents?”
“I have no family to go back to. Can we please not talk about this?” Brea states.
“Well then, I would be happy to let you meet my family(,)” I say quickly.
“Really? I can’t believe I am too to meet the famous Wotcher clan!” she says, more than happy to change the subject.

“Bit stalker-ish(,) wouldn’t you say?”

“Thank God that once we leave(,) that creep can’t try to brainwash you, Jo.”

Where my dark brown eyes come across his sapphire blue ones.
Fragment. Also, I didn't know Lucifer was in the room. Try making it more clear.

During field training in the arena Brea and I aren’t even practicing.
Maybe move the underlined to the front.

The trick is that you pretend you are already sleeping, so that when they check to see if you’re asleep and leave you alone.
Awkward.

And if ever you want to leave this place, just look in the Arena(.)
Shouldn't arena be lower-cased?

I tuck the note into the pocket of her uniform(,) grabing my daggers and whatever few possessions I have.

For once, I act just as giddily(;) I am just as excited about leaving.

“What’s the matter?” he asks, clearly amused.

“Just don’t,” he says stonily. “Any night but tonight. Tomorrow, the day after. Anything(,)he pleads.
“Well, since you seem unable to answer that question,” I say sarcastically(,) I intending to make him squirm(,)then will you at least tell us who you are(?) It’s good to know whose employ you’re in,” I say.

“Oh(,) I’m just fine with it,” I say(,) purposefully giving him my best smile ever.

“I really don’t want you to, pet(,)” he says hurriedly.

“Well, you aren’t going anywhere, pets(,) and that’s that. Now go off to bed(,) and we can continue this conversation tomorrow, okay?”

“Joy, stop messing around. Let’s go(,)” Brea presses.

... he says, smiling broadly as he odd as it is, snaps his fingers.
“Listen here! I don’t care if the world(')s ending! I am going up that ladder, and getting the hell out of here!”
Underlined is awkward. It sounds like you're missing a few words.

At that moment, the world did(,) in fact, end.



Likeable moments.

“Then who’s your man friend?”

Brea looks as though she will crawl into her little shell again, but then replaces the expression with one of those bright smiles that makes you feel as if everything’s alright.

“Danger attracts me,” I say as I wiggle my eyebrows playfully.
With that, Brea throws her arms around me and I feel like I finally have one person in the world I can trust.

Clearly the old Brea we all love so much is resurfacing. Oh(,) what a joy.

It's not really a pleasant wave, more like a ‘hello there(,) Mr. Turkey. Happy Thanksgiving! You sure would look fantastic next to a few carrots and potatoes! Can’t wait to eat you later! Gobble, gobble, gobble!’

There’ll be little bits of Joy for breakfast instead of the usual slop.

Brea and I respond with a stony silence.

“Oh yeah, I’m the devil,” he says as he starts to laugh, as if he had just told the best inside joke ever.
Well...this is only funny if you get it, and I do. XD


Please drop me a message when the next chapter is released; I really want to finish this story. :)
(By the way, next time I'll stop with these dumb nitpicks and follow up with the story better.)

Keep writing! (Or the world will end.)
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