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What a lovely way to burn - Prologue + Chapter 1



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Thu Dec 15, 2011 1:54 pm
LegoHouse says...



What a lovely way to burn



Prologue

The small, narrow, out dated church situated between life and oblivion- on the edge of collapse- was his home. This abandoned house of God- exiled by every ‘modern’ man, only visited on Christmas Eve and Easter- was his haven, his sanctuary. Here he would come and pray to God.
But he hadn't prayed for a very long time. Honestly, he didn't know what to pray for anymore. He had lost his faith and believes in God, for He had turned his back to him. Yet knowing why he had fallen into disgrace, he still refused to give in; because he would keep his oath- unlike God- until the day he died.
Nevertheless no one could condemn him for not trying to be in God's mercy again. For years he had tried to turn the tide, to pray again, hoping God would hear him. But when he needed Him the most- when Joseph Avons had to raise a teenage girl- he was left to die. Numerous times he had asked for a sign, but apparently God was deaf to his voice.

There was one question that had haunted Joseph for a long time, maybe even his whole life, he couldn´t remember anymore. Why? Why had he chosen to leave his path? His fate was already set; all he had to do was follow it. But he had turned against God's ways. And now he was paying for it. Because of his actions people would die.
"How could it have come this far?" Joseph questioned himself. The perfect world had existed- not so long ago- a world where they all lived in peace and everyone was free to choose. Where Christianity was the only religion and where there was no war or needles bloodshed.

But that would have been a world, where she would never have existed.



Chapter 1

Five men, heavily armed with the most sophisticated means to kill- knives, guns, grenades, bombs…- everything they needed to give the person a horrible death and whether he would be given a fast or an elongated death would depend on the mood of the one that was given the honour of killing. Because in this world, the world of prisoners, there are no rules.
With the same pace and speed- as if they were one moving mass- they were entering the highly secured area where all prisoners were loose. A place where a person with enough intelligence would never ever enter, because this area was theirs. An area ruled by only one criminal, presumably the one that had killed most of his fellow prisoners, he swung the stick. And he didn’t like unannounced guests.
“Five.” He said, looking at him. His heart was racing against his chest, his knees were trembling and his hands were sweating. No one liked to go and tell the leader that there were soldiers on their way, surely not when they were heavily armed. This mostly meant that they were given the assignment to whether kill the leader, because he had become too greedy or that they had to shrink down the population, because there were too many criminals.
“They could be here any minute.”
Even though he didn’t like unannounced guests, he always knew what they were doing. So he knew that they weren’t here to kill, they were here to release.
“Let them in.” He spoke to the young man in front of him. The boy looked so afraid, but then again, everyone was afraid of him, like he had been afraid of the previous leader, whom he had killed with his bare hands. He considered himself as a good leader; others didn’t share the same opinion. But he couldn’t care less, he just eliminated them. He was too powerful and he knew, he knew soon they would come and kill him. Because he too had become too greedy, it was the price to be paid for power. And he would repay it with his life.
In the back of the enormous empty room- which the prisoners used as a fighting area, where the floor was covered with blood and saliva- they opened the door that leaded to the outside world. The door of which most of them would never see the other side.

The heavy wooden door opened in an effortless motion, blowing a warm spring breeze into the church. As if life itself had found his way back again. Joseph didn’t bother to look, he was here and he was late. He had been expecting him for a long time, but then again you never really know when the end is near. Joseph took a deep breath; he wanted to fill his lungs, depend on the earthly needs for the last time. Still thinking about his prayer, he decided that he would pray for her. Because she would need it more than he would.
The reverb of approaching footsteps filled the church, they sounded like drums which became louder as they got closer. And eventually they were so loud, deafening, that no one could hear the words that had been whispered, except for Joseph himself.
“You have betrayed us, brother.”
Brother, a word of recognition, yet it sounded so vicious as if being a brother had been his biggest crime. Joseph looked at the man that was standing before him, in better times he would have kneeled for Joseph, because the man simply was a murderer and Joseph was a servant of God. But this time Joseph had to kneel, so deep he had fallen.
“Have mercy on her soul.”
As loud as the drums had sounded, so silent had his prayer. As if the words had never left his mouth.

He left his safe spot and walked toward the surprised men, never could they have dreamed that the leader would just open the doors and let them in. But they weren’t safe yet, they were inside, not outside.
“What do you want?”
None of them spoke they just gave him a photograph. He wondered what they looked like- hence they were wearing a helmet- were they brave men, or had they had the misfortune to draw the shortest straw? He smiled at them, they thought he was crazy anyway, and looked at the photo. She was young, but he couldn’t tell her age. Her skin was soft but marked by scars, she looked angry but her eyes told another story. Her hair was light, so she definitely came from the north.
“Never seen her.”
One of the soldiers took off his helmet and spoke to him.
“We can do this the easy or the hard way. Your choice.”
“If I say that I have never seen her before, then I haven’t. I wouldn’t even dare to lie to you.” He said with the slightest bit of irony.
Ending the conversation, they left him behind with the silly smile around his lips. They would search through the whole complex to find her.

There was a feeling telling here that those men where here for her. All she had seen was that they had given Assar a photo and that he had told them, that he had never seen her before. She was sitting with her back against the wall, looking at the bars that separated her from the men on the other side. She waited until she would hear the footsteps of a five-member army.

It was hot outside not only because of the extraordinary warmth for the time of year, but mainly because the church was ablaze. It didn’t hurt her when the fire touched her skin, she just ran inside.
“Joseph!”
The smoke obstructed her to breath, yet she called for him several times. Behind her the wooden construction was to fail, rapidly burning wooden beams fell down. Beside the altar she found the body of a dying man. He was given an elongated death.
“Joseph. Who did this to you?”
2 hands lifted her up and carried her outside. She struggled to free herself, but the person was too strong.
“You killed him.”
“I was trying to save him, but you stopped me.”
Last edited by LegoHouse on Sat Dec 17, 2011 3:36 pm, edited 9 times in total.
...and in that moment I swear we were infinite...
  





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Thu Dec 15, 2011 9:05 pm
21WhiteRoses says...



Wonderful! I really like the voice in this. It really makes me want to read more!
"But death and darkness in that instant closed the eyes of Argos, who had seen his master, Odysseus, after twenty years...."
  





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Fri Dec 16, 2011 2:07 am
NasaAliir says...



So interesting! I want to read more! The way "speaks" seems mysterious to me. Keep writing! Your friend, Nasarin!
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Fri Dec 16, 2011 8:29 am
LegoHouse says...



Thank you for reading and commenting!
(I am so exited ;), am going to continue writing)

LegoHouse
...and in that moment I swear we were infinite...
  





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Fri Dec 16, 2011 6:46 pm
dogs says...



Hello Lego! Dogs here with your review today! This is a very good piece and I really enjoy it because it does very well what a prologue aims to do. It captures the attention of the reader and draws them in, hungry for the next page. So props to you on that one. I can't really say anything about character strength yet because you haven't posted enough up for me to judge that. However I do have a few tiny nitpicks:


"was his haven, his place"

I don't like the use of the word "place" in this line, so I looked up haven in a thesauruses and I think that "sanctuary" would be a far better word in the place of "place".

So one more thing, you set up the scene well and how god has abandoned your character, but maybe talk about how it makes your character feel? How does it make him feel? If i were you I would talk about how it makes him feel hollow and alone and friendless as if he was the only man in the world.

Thats all I really have to say! Be sure to tell me the next time you post your next chapter!!! I'll be the first to review ;) Keep up the good work!!!

TuckEr EllsworTh :smt032
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Sat Dec 17, 2011 2:26 am
Stargirl101 says...



It was a totally cool prologue to a story I can't wait to read more of! The fact that the man in this piece is praying to God, and the man up top 'isn't answering' no matter how hard the man tries to get back into his good books. I love it as i personally think if the man just stopped being so self righteous, then God would probably answer him. It is a good start to a promising book. There were no typos I could see, or punctuation mistakes, so this post is in the clear. Just keep up the good work!
Presence is a curious thing. If you need to prove you’ve got it, probably never had it in the first place. It’s not an ostentatious, adolescent display. It should be something effortless. Somebody once said: ‘The whisper is louder than the shout.’ Well amen to that.
  








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