z

Young Writers Society


Cadet Challenge Chapter Three: A Friends Best Friend.



User avatar
50 Reviews



Gender: Other
Points: 9000
Reviews: 50
Sat Nov 26, 2011 12:07 pm
KingLucifer says...



I put my back to the wall and slid down, exsuasted from the events so far. Amanda was willing to betray James secretly. But openly she would fight me, I took a deep breath and drew my pistols. I knew which strategy to use at this point.

“Death Ground” I mumbled to myself.

It was a last resort strategy, something I don’t use often I would only use it if I was pushed into a corner. But maybe I didn’t need to, if they were to try and use “divide and conquer” again maybe I still had a chance. It’s a long shot, but who knew? As I sat there in the darkness I heard a song a chorus singing a graceful song. There was a voice I recognized a voice among the combined were a friend of mines, her name was Amber she was a powerful voice within Hubbard High School’s Chorus her voice matched that of an angel’s she was a big boned girl that most people liked. She was easy going and carefree, I was one of her close friends circle. I heard the chorus singing a song I recognized from last year as a freshman.

“Give us hope.” I mumbled.

That was the song name, give us hope, a joyful song that brought out the best in people because of how it was. I listened in the dark as they sang.

Listen to the sound of my voice
Can you feel the beat of my heart
Listen to the questions I have
Listen to me
It’s all very simple
To see what we need
Give us hope
My voice is calling
Can you see
Look in my eyes
Can you feel
My hand is reaching

As I listened on it made me think of what brought me to this spot, did LTC Wargo place me against these three to play for my rank? Or did he do it to test me? Either way I stood up I felt renewed determination. Everything began to click in my head as if my brain was replaced with gears. I walked forward down the hall and in a powerful commanding voice.

“I will not be defeated, and I shall not back down! James I’m coming for you!”

I started to silently run down the hall, going back the way I cam and I heard footsteps in the last hall before the one lightbulb light room. I started running without being silent I slammed straight into whoever was in the cover of darkness I felt him grunt as his back hit the pipes that lined the halls, I backed up and he fell to the ground. I was working quick on whatever momentum I had, I pulled him back into the hallway I came from, and then stole his rifle and ran straight towards the one lightbulb light room and saw Valencia and James with there back turned away from me. I whistled loudly and quickly got there attention. I could still hear the chorus singing.

“Hey you been looking for me and now here I am sucka’s!” I yelled at both of them.

I turned and ran back down the hallway if I positioned Robert just right then they will discover him when they enter the second hallway. I turned off at the second leaping over Robert I ran down the hall and at the end of it I turned back and got on one knee. I positioned myself far enough from Robert that either one would get close to him I shoot that person and close enough where I can pull out my knife and go in for an offense. problem was the rifle would need to recharge after two shots so I would have no choice but to shot Velazquez and the second person, I heard the footsteps rushing down the hall and then a sudden stop, a smack, and a crash, then voices

“owwww, that really hurt.” I heard which sounded like Valencia.

“Sorry.” said James.

“What did we trip over? Ughhh light up some glows sticks that the colonel gave us.” Amanda said.

“That secretive old man.” I thought to myself.

I saw two medium size green sticks begin to light up after a crack, were shaken up and then placed a long the ground until it light up Robert’s legs the glow sticks finally came up to his face.

“Robert!” Amanda called out.

“Asshole must have slammed into him after we sent him off to find Stoddard.” James said.

I worked my way between the two silently trying to not be noticed and some how managed to cause James was looking down at Robert and Amanda was looking at him too.

“Correcto mundo my friend. Now two can either one of you tell me which way I’m coming from cause I got my gun pointing right at one of your faces.” I said arrogantly.

Both of them turned in the opposite directions of each other throwing there sticks down the hallway.

“Neither.” James said.

“Haha I’m closer than you think you know? They turned around and faced me and straight both of them separately knocking them both to the floor. I grabbed a glow stick from robert and light it up, just as Amanda got up I had shot Robert with the rifle then I turned it to her and shot her, then I heard.

“Player eliminated.” I heard.

I moved over James and dashed towards the one lightbulb light room. Placing down the glow stick at the corner turning off to the room. I ran down the room and placed my guns in the middle of the room under the lightbulb itself, then backed off and hid behind some large boxes on the right side of the room.

“I’m coming for ya Stoddard!” James yelled.

I ducked down to completely hide myself under the boxes and heard.

Thump, thump, thump, thump.

Really loudly then stopping for a split second.

“Huh? Stoddard’s guns? Where is he?” James said.

I crept out from behind the boxes and slowly crept closer and closer to James. But then hell broke loose, James turned around and started firing on me with my own gun. I dodged left and began to run at him, his arm followed my movement’s and I dashed again back to the right, then left and right again. I leaped into the air and came down on him with much force missing his chest barely. I switched the positioning of the dagger so It would point downwards and I swung back at James face. I miss and he punches me in the stomach, then pushes me to the ground and I loss grip of the dagger. He picks it up and stands over me.

You were always second class to me, you know?” He said smiling.

my own pistol points down at me and I stare it straight in the barrel. And I knew this is how far my skills would take me. Then I heard it, a loud bursting sound and then.
Last edited by KingLucifer on Sat Dec 10, 2011 12:40 am, edited 1 time in total.
An angel, a knight, a man who will bring light to where there is only darkness, I am the Morning Star, the Bringer of Light, hail to me as I am King Lucifer!

Formerly: Avalon
  





User avatar
33 Reviews



Gender: Male
Points: 283
Reviews: 33
Sun Nov 27, 2011 4:47 am
davidechoe13 says...



okay a good piece i honestly haven't read the others so i dont know whats going on, so i noticed you sorta switched from past to present every now and then and i also saw a few spelling errors. but that was all, good job!!!!!!!!!!!
Think of the vastness of a story, What happens when the main character is not around?
  





User avatar
50 Reviews



Gender: Other
Points: 9000
Reviews: 50
Sun Nov 27, 2011 7:33 am
KingLucifer says...



It sounds like I did better than to what your saying.
An angel, a knight, a man who will bring light to where there is only darkness, I am the Morning Star, the Bringer of Light, hail to me as I am King Lucifer!

Formerly: Avalon
  





User avatar
33 Reviews



Gender: Male
Points: 283
Reviews: 33
Mon Nov 28, 2011 2:58 am
davidechoe13 says...



it was good i honestly just needed a few points and i just pointed out something or it wouldn't really be a review :)
Think of the vastness of a story, What happens when the main character is not around?
  





User avatar
50 Reviews



Gender: Other
Points: 9000
Reviews: 50
Mon Nov 28, 2011 3:19 am
KingLucifer says...



In tecnial terms you didn't reveiw it cause it's showing up on my end that this has zero reviews. Maybe you need to make your comment longer.
An angel, a knight, a man who will bring light to where there is only darkness, I am the Morning Star, the Bringer of Light, hail to me as I am King Lucifer!

Formerly: Avalon
  





User avatar
12 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 895
Reviews: 12
Sat Dec 10, 2011 12:24 am
Ghost42 says...



Actually to make a reveiw, it has to actually point out at least one specific mistake, I think you can't hold me by that though because I dunno. Anyway, yes I also noticed errors of commas, spelling, and tense confusion. For example, in some places you make lists, in a list you always seperate the items with commas; I noticed a few spelling errors that may just be regular typos like the one at the end where it just says 'Th', what is suposed to be anyway, I guessed it was with but I've got no clue; finally, tense confusion, this happens to me alot too and it is sometimes hard to avoid ,but near the end I noticed you start to swich between past and present tense between sentences. Work on these mistakes and even with out the corrected errors this is a very, very, good book.
If there is one thing I never go anywhere without, it's my pencil.
Another thing, if schools don't allow wepons, then why do they allow pens? Because, if the pen is mighter than the sword, doesn't that mean the pen is a wepon too?
  








I should infinitely prefer a book.
— Mary Bennet, Pride and Prejudice