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Currently untitled, Prologue attempt!



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Tue Nov 22, 2011 6:40 pm
Benrobertringrose says...



Hi, this is my first ever attempt at writing fiction, really enjoying it so far! As I lack experience in writing all feedback would be appreciated. Also I'm aware I haven't reviewed much work yet, new to all this so if you would like me to read your work I would love to.

Ok here goes...


Shaki Okafur glanced hesitantly towards his partner and friend Imu Aguda as they strode up the broken muddy path. They were frustrated, exasperated and becoming desperate. Their previously immaculate black shoes no longer shone as they had before, their expensively woven suits were far out of place in this rough, filthy landscape. Yet these were the least of their worries. They were experiencing feelings that after years in the job they had become unfamiliar with. Their usual air of superiority had been replaced by an unnerving sensation of unrest and tension. They weren’t used to this, and they certainly didn’t like it.
“Boss what are we doing here?” Imu asked in his thick African accent, Shaki looked away considering for a moment, What are we doing here?
“Our job”, he managed to finally answer.
Truly he didn’t know. He had considered the same question far too many times. Never had a job caused him so much doubt. He ran a large hand over his lower face, rough and unshaven; he cursed silently, he could barely remember a time when he hadn’t been clean-shaven. What have I become? A defenseless women, next I’ll be killing children. The fact that he and Imu had been chosen for this job itself highlighted the importance that they get this done. No other crew would have been trusted with this, in fact that had been made crystal clear to them. Shaki and Imu’s continued tendency to get things done with little fuss had firmly established themselves as the “Go to guys”. Combined they formed an efficient unit they were ruthless but effective.
A bead of sweat formed on Shakis brow it grew heavy and slid down his face. He wasn’t comfortable with this, he was no monster.
“Im not sure I can do this boss”, Imu whispered from behind him, Shaki glared back, he had never seen weaknesses in Imu, he realized it angered him.
“We have no choice, you know that as well as I”, Shaki grumbled. He took a deep breath gazing at the cottage that faced him. The cottage seemed old and shabby, yet peaceful. The garden was well kept, the lawn had been neatly trimmed it shone a dazzling green in the lazy afternoon sun. It was also packed with flowers, their sweet scent rushed upon Shaki as he drew nearer. It was such a beautiful scene but the deed that was to take place here was far from beautiful.


Shaki pressed on towards the house his heart heavy with despair. He pulled his handgun from his holster and switched the safety off, he was greeted by the familiar soft click yet this time it felt wrong.
“Imu, take the rear,” Shaki commanded
‘Boss we cant do this, this isn’t right”, Imu begged, his fierce dark eyes radiating defiance, great bags lined his eyes. Shaki stared right back at the man who was without question his closest friend. He hasn’t been sleeping either.
“We have to, I wont hear any more Imu” Shaki answered softer.
“Concentrate now”.
With that Imu skirted round the back of the cottage hand gun drawn. Shaki now at the front door tentatively reached for the handle. It was ice cold to touch despite the heat of the day. Or was he just imagining the cold. A cruel chill swept over him. He lightly put pressure on the door; it obliged willingly opening all to welcomingly for him. Here goes Shaki thought.



Stepping lightly into the house something became immediately apparent to Shaki, the house was bare, almost unlived in. It was a startling contrast from what was apparent from the outside. The obvious care taken for the houses appearance clearly halted once you’d got inside. Perhaps she doesn’t have many visitors Shaki decided. He scanned the empty walls, the usual family photos were nowhere to be seen, all that greeted Shaki was torn wallpaper and a rotten damp smell. Will this make it easier? When it comes down to it, I wont have to look up to photos of her family looking distraught their eyes full of hateful accusations. Shaki pressed on hand gun outstretched poised to fire. He shuffled through to the next room, aware that his footsteps were far to loud in the dense silence of the house. Again he was faced with emptiness, the next room empty again. She wasn’t here, Shaki breathed a deep sigh of relief.


Why are you pleased Shaki you fool, this wont end here, for deep down he knew this was far from over. This would only end once Shaki delivered her dead body. It was this thought that Shaki couldn’t quite shake.


Thanks Ben
Last edited by Benrobertringrose on Tue Nov 22, 2011 10:41 pm, edited 1 time in total.
  





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Tue Nov 22, 2011 7:42 pm
KFMATA says...



GENERAL
I enjoyed reading your prologue! I definitely get the foreign-feel of the story. I'm not quite sure where we're at yet, but it's a life unlike my own. Where is this taking place? Is this now or in the future? This makes me curious -- I want to read more. I'm glad you didn't unload too many details in the prologue... sometimes, I see writers doing that, and it doesn't work too well.

With that said, I would also like to read more about your characters. They're doing these jobs. Naturally, I'm thinking ooohhh, what jobs? One of your characters seems very troubled, internally conflicted, with his life. He wants to believe he's not a monster -- this makes me, as the reader, wonder what he possibly did. This is awesome. I would like to see how you develop these characters in the next few chapters if you decide to continue.

CONVENTIONS & MECHANICAL ERRORS
Their previously immaculate black shoes no longer shone as they had before, [COMMA SPLICE - try a conjunction, a semi-colon, or start a new sentence completely.] their expensively woven suits were far out of place in this rough, filthy landscape.

They were experiencing feelings that after years in the job [on the job?] they had become unfamiliar with. [This sentence is a bit confusing, or it just doesn't flow right.The feelings they were experiencing, even years on the job, were becoming unfamiliar. I'm still not sure what you're trying to say.]

“Boss, what are we doing here?” Imu asked in his thick African accent, [COMMA SPLICE] Shaki looked away considering for a moment, What are we doing here?
“Our job”, he managed to finally answer. [I like this line a lot.]

Never had a job caused him so much doubt. I like this line too. He ran a large hand over his lower face [his lower face? Could you be talking about his jawline or chin?], rough and unshaven; he cursed silently, [COMMA SPLICE] he could barely remember a time when he hadn’t been clean-shaven. What have I become? A defenseless women [woman], next I’ll be killing children. The fact that he and Imu had been chosen for this job itself highlighted the importance that they get this done. [Read this out loud and see if it sounds right to you. Is this the easiest it could flow?] No other crew would have been trusted with this; in fact, that had been made crystal clear to them. Shaki and Imu’s continued tendency to get things done with little fuss had firmly established themselves as the “go-to guys”. Combined they formed an efficient unit. They were ruthless but effective.
A bead of sweat formed on Shakis brow it grew heavy and slid down his face [RUN-ON - Trying breaking sentences into shorter, more precises phrases. See how it sounds.]. He wasn’t comfortable with this, [COMMA SPLICE] he was no monster.

This is just an example of the conventions you need to watch. I really hope this helps! If not, please reply to this post or send me a message. I wouldn't be spending so much time on your work if I didn't see it as a good story. Comma splicing a run-on sentence in disguise. We sometimes think they're complete sentences, because we've included a comma, but they're not. It is important to realize that the length of a sentence really has nothing to do with whether a sentence is a run-on or not; being a run-on is a structural flaw that can plague even a very short sentence.

I would watch how often you use adjectives and adverbs. They enhance your writing, but if you're not careful, they can also destroy it. There is such a thing as too many adverbs. Everyone does it, and it's especially common in first drafts. When I am going through my draft, I make sure every word is necessary. If the sentence can stand without it, if it doesn't absolutely need to be there, take it out. Short sentences can be powerful, too.

I highlighted all of your descriptive words within the first paragraph:
Shaki Okafur glanced hesitantly towards his partner and friend Imu Aguda as they strode up the broken muddy path. They were frustrated, exasperated and becoming desperate. Their previously immaculate black shoes no longer shone as they had before, their expensively woven suits were far out of place in this rough, filthy landscape. Yet these were the least of their worries. They were experiencing feelings that after years in the job they had become unfamiliar with. Their usual air of superiority had been replaced by an unnerving sensation of unrest and tension. They weren’t used to this, and they certainly didn’t like it.


Great job! I would keep working on this. Play around with the sentence phrasing. I feel like it could blossom into a pretty awesome story. Underneath some of the mechanical errors, which can be easily fixed, I see a good story coming through. Keep writing, and let me know when you update!
NICE PERFUME -- MUST YOU MARINADE IN IT?
  





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Tue Nov 22, 2011 7:57 pm
Jalmoc says...



Hi there! I'm Jalmoc, and your story caught my eye! Honestly, I thought it was pretty good for being a first time fiction story! You left the ending where anything could happen, which is good, but I didn't really feel the story climax. I just felt like it was about two people that didn't want to kill someone, who turned out to not be home. A question I have is why are they doing it? Are they mercenaries? or thieves? or assassins?

Your details were really good and gave excellent imagery so good job there!! Overall it was a really good first attempt! I'm not the best at reviewing, so I'll let other people tear that apart. ;)

Well, keep on writing!!!

--Jalmoc
If you don't take a chance, you'll always live your life in regret, so let your heart show it's true colors and admit your feelings!

Tis not the blade that took your life, but the Assassin behind it.

When Reality has all but fallen away, recreate your own world
  





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Wed Nov 23, 2011 7:59 pm
Benrobertringrose says...



Hey, seriously thank you both for your feedback! :) Really helpful, will take on board all you've said!
Cheers Ben
  








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