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The Akachi Prologue and Chapter 1



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Sun Nov 20, 2011 3:42 am
ArahAkachi1 says...



Prologue


People try to believe myths are just myths. Myths like dragons, fairies, vampires, werewolves, and anymore you could think of. They are as real as you are to your family. A group of teenagers known as the Akachi protect life as we know it. They do this by either exterminating these menacing creatures or relocating them somewhere where they can’t do any harm.
I am a member of the Akachi. I am Arah Akachi. I am nine with purple hair and blood red eyes. Plus, I’m a tamer. A tamer is a person who can tame creatures and can befriend the ones they want. This allows tamers to call upon them anytime they want. The rest of us are Keii, Heather, Rose and Emily.
Keii is a seventeen year old neko. A neko is a person with cat ears and a cat tail. Heather is a fifteen year old Gemini. A Gemini is a member of the top secret Gemini Organization. Rose is a sixteen year old shape shifter. Emily is a seventeen year old angelic warrior. An angelic warrior is an angel warrior.
Technically, you could call us “family”.

Chapter 1


“How long has it been since out last mission?” I asked flopping onto a nearby couch. “About five or six months,” Keii answered from the couch across from me. “Either they have stopped attacking or Vince is dead,” Rose stated. “Dead?” Heather asked shocked. “The last we heard from him he was being attacked by Valkaryot,” Rose explained.
“How could Vince just die? He was our mentor and the strongest person we know!” Emily argued as she typed furiously on a laptop that rested on her lap as her wings fluttered. “True, but we didn’t find any body or bones,” I pointed out. “Maybe Valkaryot kidnapped him or something,” suggested Keii.
“This is boring!” Heather suddenly exclaimed. “We could go back to school,” Rose suggested. “Yeah right!” Emily laughed. “What are you typing Emily?” Keii asked her his ears twitching. “A journal,” was her only reply. The plasma TV on the wall next to me flared to life.
“Reports of an army have been sighted in Bravec. Witnesses describe the creatures as black orbs,” a reporter reported before the screen died. “Grab your gear and report back here in three minutes for briefing,” Keii ordered.
I ran to my room and grabbed my leather jacket that was full of knives. I ran back to the living room just as everyone else was coming back. Heather had her Gemini jacket on that quadrupled her power. She also had her Gemini swords crisscrossing on her back with the hilts sticking about each shoulder.
Rose had hidden daggers strapped under her sleeves. Emily had a solid white sword in its scabbard strapped onto her belt. Keii had wristbands that increased his physical strength and his power to control fire. “We ready?” Keii asked. “Yes!” the rest of us shouted in unison.
“We are facing Venzels. They are like the Venzels we faced on Mount Drako. Do not allow them to touch you. If you come into contact with one, you will die a slow and painful death,” Keii told us. “That means I can’t summon our old friends,” I stated. “Correct! So you will have to use Bloody Vengence,” Emily told me. “Okay,” I muttered. “How will we get there?” Heather asked. “Flying of course,” Keii answered.
“Let’s go!” Rose shouted running out the door with us on her heels. As soon as we had exited the house, I saw we had made a terrible mistake. “So, you fell for my trap, eh Akachi?” a deep voice chuckled. A minotaur carrying an axe walked into sight. “Menorith! Did Valkaryot send you?” Rose demanded. “Yes. And he wants the angel,” Menorith explained chuckling.
“You won’t have her!” Keii snarled stepping in front of Emily protectively. “Venzels. Appear, destroy, and capture the angel!” Menorith shouted into the sky. The world seemed to vibrate as a strong force of negative energy spiked. “Heather! Help Keii protect Emily!” Rose shouted. “Got it,” Heather replied jumping to stand beside Keii.
Her Gemini swords were already in her hands. I removed a blade from my side and slid both wrists. Blood fell and formed a perfect circle around me. “Time to do this. Bloody Vengence!” I shouted. Two blades slid out from each slit and the blood around me was absorbed by the blades. “Now fuse!” I shouted. The blades slid completely out of the cuts and fused into one giant sword in which blood dripped off. I gripped the hilt tightly spreading my feet out getting ready.
Rose glowed a bright white before she was a demon with two big guns in each hand. “Destroy them!” Menorith shouted. Rose shot a few blasts at the enclosing Venzels but to no avail. “Retreat!” I shouted to Rose as she turned normal. I grabbed Rose by the arm and dragged her to where the others were. “Get us out of here!” Keii shouted to Emily as the Venzels neared. Black flames encircled us as the Venzels drew near. The black flames exploded into a beautiful, but dangerous giant circle of black flames when the Venzels were a few feet away.
Everything went black momentarily as we were swallowed up by the black flames. Few seconds later, we were standing on the beach of a deserted island. “Get out of here!” snarled Heather. “Not again!” Keii growled. “What’s happening?” I asked. “Get Arah out of here!” Heather screamed as blood red wings exploded from her back.
Emily grabbed me and flew over the ocean. Keii scrambled into the forest at the top of the beach. Rose followed him in the form of a wolf. “What’s happening to her?” I asked Emily. Heather was like a big sister to me. “If she over uses her powers like she just did, the Gemini Queen inside her awakens,” Emily explained.
“Oh,” I whispered. I drew a blade from my pants pocket and slit my palm. “Come and protect me! Exvector!” I shouted letting my blood drip from my palm. “Let go,” I told Emily. Nodding, Emily let go as I fell. There was an explosion before I landed on a dragon. I landed on the smooth spot between the neck and shoulder.
“Thanks for your assistance,” I told Exvector. We flew down near the water surface then. “Dismiss,” I told Exvector as he suddenly glitched before disappearing causing me to splash into the water. The cut on my palm healed leaving a faint scar. “A mere human is all they send?” a cold voice sneered.
I turned to see Heather standing on the surface of the water. But this didn’t look like the same Heather I know. She had blood red wings, red eyes, and a staff that radiated a strong negative force of energy. And the staff was pointed at me. “Heather? Are you okay?” I asked secretly sliding a knife into the palm of my hand.
“Arah…get...out…of...here,” Heather stuttered. I spun around and faked like I was swimming away. I suddenly was standing on the surface of the water not facing Heather. I spun around and threw the knife. The knife soared through the air toward Heather. Before she could react, the knife slammed into the staff breaking the dark glass orb which rested on the tip of the staff into tiny shards.
There was a breeze before Heather lifted me off the ground by my throat. I started kicking violently but couldn’t get down. “Don’t even try to live,” Heather taunted. Darkness started filling my vision from the sides as I started losing consciousness. Heather let go when everything went black and the last thing I remembered was sinking into the depths of the dark, cold ocean.
Writing your name can lead to writing sentences. And then the next thing you'll be doing is writing paragraphs, and then books. And then you'll be in as much trouble as I am!
  





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Sun Nov 20, 2011 4:07 am
StoryWeaver13 says...



Hello there. :D

Well, I have some issues with the prologue. It's just too....blunt, in my opinion. Opening up fictional creatures to a novel can be difficult, especially in first person as it's hard to get them to naturally describe themselves. Yet it lacks a natural feel when a character just says "This is what everyone looks like."

“How long has it been since out last mission?” I asked flopping onto a nearby couch. “About five or six months,” Keii answered from the couch across from me. “Either they have stopped attacking or Vince is dead,” Rose stated. “Dead?” Heather asked shocked. “The last we heard from him he was being attacked by Valkaryot,” Rose explained. My issue with this is that the sentence structure doesn't change. You have a short dialogue from each person, followed by "---- said/answered/asked." Try to give it the natural beat and rhythm of a conversation, through both dialogue and paralanguage.


In general, the same issues continue. Honestly I couldn't even manage to finish this because of this same fact (this story isn't truly bad, but it's something I'm particular about). It needs a little more of an easiness to read, a flow that makes the sentences easily transition through the story. Right now it's almost jolting because of the fact that sentence structure never changes. Try playing with this, and your story will change dramatically.
Keep writing,
StoryWeaver
Reading is one form of escape. Running for your life is another. ~Lemony Snicket
  








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